To expect DH to sort his own lunch?

[Glasshopper]

This is a recurring issue that I'm finding very tiresome. We both WFH, and every day come lunchtime DH appears downstairs and asks what we have for lunch. I take ADHD meds that suppress my appetite so I tend to skip lunch and pick at something later in the afternoon, and frankly rustling up his lunch is not on my radar whilst I'm sat at my laptop in the middle of something.

He gets very mardy and flustered if it's not immediately obvious what is available to eat, and seems unable to look in the fridge and assess what ingredients we have and come up with a plan. I had batched cooked a chilli at the weekend, and we finished it off yesterday. He's just appeared and asked in rapid succession, before even looking in the fridge, whilst I was in the middle of something (he interrupts me with impunity):

"What do we have for lunch?"
"Did we eat the last of the chilli?"
"There are no leftovers in the fridge then?"
"Do we have any bread?"

At this point I grew exasperated and snapped that yes, as I already said we ate all the chilli. Then I asked why I am the only one who is expected to keep track of the kitchen inventory at all times and plan out his lunch for him, and he huffed off up to his office as though I'm highly unreasonable.

I'm just tired of having to plan meals for an adult man as though he's a toddler. He gets in a mood with me if I show any frustration with this and it leads to an atmosphere, making me feel like I just need to make his food to keep the peace. AIBU?

I'd do exactly the same back to him so when he comes downstairs at lunchtime ask him what he's making you for lunch then get really annoyed if he says nothing or it's not to your liking.

Reading this thread, it seems like you have some pretty deep relationship issues here.

I couldn't live with a man like this, and I'm pretty easy going!

As something to think about.....
Is he doing this to encourage you to take a break? It sounds like your pretty much head down don't stop not even for lunch which isn't good for you. In an office even on a busy day people get up stretch their back to for coffee have a chat before sitting back down to work. Do you take a break and go for a short 10 minute walk? Could you suggest a joint lunch break have some air then he could eat his sandwich at work ...one he makes. It might help both of you.

You think bugging her to get up and make him a complex hot meal with multiple ingredients and then having a strop and accusing her of being ‘mean’ when she doesn’t comply is ‘encouraging her to take a break’? Cooking him food (when she hates cooking) is now a relaxing activity?

My DH occasionally suggests I need a break. Strangely, that's usually in the form of offering to make me lunch, or that we go out for a stroll, or just veg out watching TV. If he kindly suggested I have a break by cooking him lunch, I think he would end up wearing it.

Just sit him down and tell him you are not engaging with this for one minute longer.

Er, no. He’s very clearly not doing it to encourage her to take a break.

And as an adult I am sure the OP can sort herself out when it comes to organising her working day.

Just FYI ADHD meds do suppress appetite and create intense focus, so it’s normal to have your head down till they wear off.

YANBU but there was probably no need to snap which appears to be why they have huffed off. He’s told you he struggles so why be snippy about it.

Is DH neurotypical? I'm just wondering, if he is, why are you not in the office upstairs to help your concentration? Does he know much about the disorder? Sounds a bit upside down that someone who perhaps struggles with executive function is expected to organise and plan the food situation? I definitely think a conversation is needed. I find most squabbles between couples is probably more to do with how we speak to each other than what is being said. As frustrating as it is, remaining neutral is more beneficial as the point you are making has merit. Once you lose your temper and snap, it becomes about that instead. Always speak to someone how you want them to speak to you. Him getting mardy about not immediately finding lunch spinning attractively in the centre of the fridge as soon as he opens it is obviously something that gets to you. Have a conversation about it, away from the frustration. It might be something else that's actually the problem, e.g. short lunchtimes or blood sugar low etc

FFs another one trying to blame a NT diagnosis on the OP DH behaviour - OP acknowledge that her DH mother did everything for him and he still expects it when he goes home. Now he has a lady at home he expects the same. He finds it difficult as he is used to not having to do it and doesn’t see why he should as it’s ‘woman’s’ work.