To expect DH to sort his own lunch?

[Glasshopper]

This is a recurring issue that I'm finding very tiresome. We both WFH, and every day come lunchtime DH appears downstairs and asks what we have for lunch. I take ADHD meds that suppress my appetite so I tend to skip lunch and pick at something later in the afternoon, and frankly rustling up his lunch is not on my radar whilst I'm sat at my laptop in the middle of something.

He gets very mardy and flustered if it's not immediately obvious what is available to eat, and seems unable to look in the fridge and assess what ingredients we have and come up with a plan. I had batched cooked a chilli at the weekend, and we finished it off yesterday. He's just appeared and asked in rapid succession, before even looking in the fridge, whilst I was in the middle of something (he interrupts me with impunity):

"What do we have for lunch?"
"Did we eat the last of the chilli?"
"There are no leftovers in the fridge then?"
"Do we have any bread?"

At this point I grew exasperated and snapped that yes, as I already said we ate all the chilli. Then I asked why I am the only one who is expected to keep track of the kitchen inventory at all times and plan out his lunch for him, and he huffed off up to his office as though I'm highly unreasonable.

I'm just tired of having to plan meals for an adult man as though he's a toddler. He gets in a mood with me if I show any frustration with this and it leads to an atmosphere, making me feel like I just need to make his food to keep the peace. AIBU?

I'm the same way. DH grew up in a house where his mum made 3 hot meals a day and I am more the snack throughout the day type. He is very demanding of his mum when we visit her and expects the same treatment he got as a child. It's not a good look!

As such he wants hot meals with a variety of ingredients and plays up that he is feeling poorly if he doesn't get enough vegetables or eats a bit of processed food. Yet he is terrible at meal planning and can't seem to organise himself to cook without it becoming an ordeal with slamming pots and pans and cupboards. He also doesn't like to get takeaway or eat out as it's "not healthy". But who is supposed to be cooking these healthy meals? Me of course, and I have ADHD myself and don't enjoy cooking!

I annoy my husband if we are both wfh too. He gets very absorbed in his work, me not so much, I get bored and wonder in for a chat. He just ignores me. It irks me that if the dog wanders in with a toy and pokes his leg he'll stop and pay her attention....

He also asks me what is for lunch, as I tend to cook nicer lunches, if I'm not there he happily sorts himself out, and makes sure he either buys what he wants for lunch when he's shopping or it's on the shopping list if I'm the one shopping.

OP just tell him you've no idea what's for lunch, on repeat.

As such he wants hot meals with a variety of ingredients and plays up that he is feeling poorly if he doesn't get enough vegetables or eats a bit of processed food. Yet he is terrible at meal planning and can't seem to organise himself to cook without it becoming an ordeal with slamming pots and pans and cupboards. He also doesn't like to get takeaway or eat out as it's "not healthy". But who is supposed to be cooking these healthy meals? Me of course, and I have ADHD myself and don't enjoy cooking!

just no, I think, life doesn't work like that. You aren't a private chef.

I would (and have done) exactly this.

Only not just regarding meals.
My annoying week (as in a week I spent being annoying to DH ) included ..

Asking him what was for supper EVERY DAY.

Asking him what time the kids needed to be collected from school/club. Everyday.

Asking him if we needed milk whenever I was near a supermarket.

Asking him if the kids had play dates and where I needed to pick them up from ..

Basically I spent a WEEK being 'DH' .. included in my revenge week were 5 days of getting out of bed, into the shower, dressed and left for work . Without any kind of regard for the rest of the household.. (kids, dog cat etc)

We both work full time but he never took on any of the mental /household load .

He does now .!

Every day when you get up tell him not to ask you what’s for lunch and just be a grown up and sort it himself. If he goes in a childish huff then you are just going to learn to ignore him.
I find saying “I’m ignoring you now” takes all the pressure off as you have told him how it is. Same when he is interrupting you during working hours unnecessarily.

Why are you tolerating all this? Just say ‘no’.

OP you might like to read up on weaponised incompetence.

I have a similar issue with my dh and we haven't really solved it in twenty years. The problem seems to be that A: he really likes my cooking and I like to cook so if I haven't done it or prepped it or shopped for it its unusual and also he feels unloved. B: he doesn't realise he's hungry til it's too late and he's so hungry he can't think straight.

I find the adult toddler enraging and also he eats things that would last me three days and he doesn't even really like rather than think and prep for himself. I do a mix of a lot of the above responses. We've had non-confrontational appropriately timed chats. Repeated I don't know/I've had mine/look in the fridge responses from me. I've tried suggesting he makes soups. Adding easy soups to the shopping all temporarily fix but he is I think incapable and thr more I give solutions I just get more irritated. Recently I'm saying you are not a toddler and I am not your snack bitch.

I mostly do say no, and we have agreed to switch off cooking every other night but he attempts to weasel out of doing it most of the time. He is not imaginative at all with cooking and needs a recipe or he becomes very overwhelmed. Like he can't just look in the fridge and throw some things together to create a meal like I can. I really don't like cooking at all though, it's a massive chore and I'd happily just eat cheese on toast and soup for dinner.

I do stand up for myself and tell him off but his reaction makes me feel like I'm being a monster. It doesn't help that his mum and my sil indulge the other men in the family and cook all their meals for them. But I never advertised myself as that type of wife!

Mine does this too and it’s so annoying!

Last night he got home late and actually asked “have we got any food?”

me - “no, DH, the fridge and cupboards are all completely empty. Have you tried looking in the fridge?”

I've not read through all the replies, but you need to sit down together at the weekend and plan his lunch/your dinner for the following week. Then you can prep the meals together so that he knows exactly what he's having. I keep a whiteboard on the fridge with a weekly menu for this reason.

I use 2- or 3-compartment containers for home-cooked ready meals and then put them in the freezer. For days where there is no meal planned, or at the weekends, everyone is free to choose what they want from the freezer.

It also might be that he wants some company at lunch, and this is his way of trying to get you to interact with him. Can he not go back to the office a few days a week? I'd go crazy if I had to work in the same house as DH all the time. He wants to tell me all about his work issues, and I had to put a stop to it as he was passing all his stress onto me.

I feel like I am not unreasonable, but his reaction makes me second guess myself! I also find that when he does cook he tries to involve me in it somehow, and asks so many questions. I had to remind him we have some gammon steaks in the fridge and he is now asking me how long to cook them for. I dunno, how long does it say on the packet?

Stop second guessing yourself his entitlement & sexism (even if unconscious) is revolting.

As you have said he doesn't respond well if you try to discuss this calmly outside of meal/work times, I suggest you tackle it ad hoc, every time it comes up, with the Broken Record technique. Choose your own form of words - but by now, I'd be so beyond exasperated it would be something like "I don't know, but I'm not your maid or housekeeper, so wonder why you can't work out how to feed yourself like a grown man".
Whatever you say, put it on repeat.
To the point of absurdity: the idea is to stop him from prolonging his "but whhhhhhhy won't you feeeeeed me" nonsense. The repetition should eventually demonstrate to him how ridiculous he is being.

For the work interruptions, when he doesn't bother even checking if you are in the middle of something before demanding your 100% attention with his bloody monologuing - I'd do Broken Record again, but with an added extra.
Every time he does it, say "hold on a minute" then make a production out of saying to your colleague (or imaginary colleague, if he doesn't know if you are 'live' or not) -
"Excuse me, I'm being interrupted by somebody who keeps forgetting I'm at work"
then break off (or pretend to break off)
"I'm working - so unless there is an emergency, can you please remember & respect that?"
& make THAT, or something like that, your Broken Record phrase.

I suspect that up until now you've given in & answered his questions to shut him up. If so - you need to stop doing it, because all you are doing is rewarding poor behaviour. His helpless act must be enraging to live with, I'm sorry he thinks you are his mummy, & sulks if you refuse to baby him.

Get yourself to Costco or similar type place buy a catering box of 48 or whatever Pot Noodles and put the box beside his desk, he boils the kettle and then he has a hot lunch each day, job done. Of course if he wants to eat something proper he can cook it himself. If he doesn’t eat the Pot Noodles don’t worry they won’t be wasted they can be donated to a foodbank as they are welcomed there for clients without cooking facilities.

Also, saying very calmly and flatly "That's not my job" a lot has helped a bit with my formerly equally useless husband. Eg "Cooking your lunch is not my job", "Cooking meals to order is not my job", "Answering questions about what's in the fridge is not my job".

Did he move from his mother's womb home straight to living with you? If so, I don't think any man should be allowed to do this, they should all have to fend for themselves for a while before moving in with any woman.

Having said that even the guys that have been independent but have the over nurturing mothers, still seem to revert to being helpless once they move in with a woman. I didn't see it how it was happening imperceptibly in my relationship but it sure as hell kills the passion eventually. Nip this in the bud OP before it kills your relationship. There's nothing less of a turn on than a helpless-acting man-child.

What is his reaction and why/his does it make you feel like a monster? Can I ask if you’ve been married long?

This isn’t a ‘standing up for yourself’ situation, in my opinion. It’s a reasonable conversation: why is this your responsibility? You don’t want it to be, and you’d be happy with cheese on toast. Ask him. If he’s incapable of having a conversation with you like a reasonable adult, then you’ve got other problems, in my opinion.

Ditto the constant interruptions while you work. Have you asked him to stop? Stated how disrespectful and inconsiderate it is? If so, what’s his response? If not, then why not?

Brilliant examples of Broken Record technique.

OP - you CAN do this.
All it takes is forgetting the nonsense you have sold yourself about "feeling like a monster" every time you refuse to pander to him.

We've been married a few years. He acts like I'm being mean to him and will deny it if I say he's guilt tripping me. I usually end up apologising for being "mean" because there's an atmosphere that makes me feel very uncomfortable. I know I need to stop doing this and just let him be mad!

His moods and huffing and puffing are designed to induce exactly this = "He gets in a mood with me if I show any frustration with this and it leads to an atmosphere, making me feel like I just need to make his food to keep the peace"

He's being an arse, a lazy arse at that, imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and you behaved like he needs to sort your lunch and you huffed and puffed if he didn't, yip that would never happen would it.

He's a grown man, if he can't think of anything to make then Google is his best friend, plenty of lunch ideas to be found there.

It's so unattractive when adults huff and puff to get their own way, sympathies OP.

Tell him that you realise he likes a hot meal at lunch, so as you have cold snacks and you are working and not his lunch chef, you will help him get started.

At the weekend teach him how to bake a potato in the microwave and crisped up for 5 mins in the oven.

How to boil and scramble eggs.

A stir fry using a ready chopped stir fry veg bag, if he wants veg.

Cheese on toast, etc.

Then tell him to write up a 5 day lunch plan, and whoever does the shopping can make sure all ingredients for both your lunches are on the list.

Just be very clear that you will not be cooking a ‘hot meal’ for lunch on your work days.

What does / did he have for lunch when office or site based ?

This sounds exhausting. Tell him he’s sorting himself out from now on, end of story.

So he sulks and strops if you don't leap to attention as his every question...

Have you said, categorically, ‘stop doing XYZ’? If so, what is his response? You say he acts like you’re being mean, but what is he actually saying?

I’m sorry for repeating myself, but it’s not clear.

*DH grew up in a house where his mum made 3 hot meals a day and I am more the snack throughout the day type. He is very demanding of his mum when we visit her and expects the same treatment he got as a child. It's not a good look!

As such he wants hot meals*

Didn't you know this about him before you got married?
It's not normal to expect your wife to provide you with the lifestyle you had as a child. I presume he cherry picks though i.e. he's all modern and accepting of you working and contributing towards the household income.

Exactly this.

I have to say I would find it difficult to be attracted to him, if I were you, OP.