To expect DH to sort his own lunch?

[Glasshopper]

This is a recurring issue that I'm finding very tiresome. We both WFH, and every day come lunchtime DH appears downstairs and asks what we have for lunch. I take ADHD meds that suppress my appetite so I tend to skip lunch and pick at something later in the afternoon, and frankly rustling up his lunch is not on my radar whilst I'm sat at my laptop in the middle of something.

He gets very mardy and flustered if it's not immediately obvious what is available to eat, and seems unable to look in the fridge and assess what ingredients we have and come up with a plan. I had batched cooked a chilli at the weekend, and we finished it off yesterday. He's just appeared and asked in rapid succession, before even looking in the fridge, whilst I was in the middle of something (he interrupts me with impunity):

"What do we have for lunch?"
"Did we eat the last of the chilli?"
"There are no leftovers in the fridge then?"
"Do we have any bread?"

At this point I grew exasperated and snapped that yes, as I already said we ate all the chilli. Then I asked why I am the only one who is expected to keep track of the kitchen inventory at all times and plan out his lunch for him, and he huffed off up to his office as though I'm highly unreasonable.

I'm just tired of having to plan meals for an adult man as though he's a toddler. He gets in a mood with me if I show any frustration with this and it leads to an atmosphere, making me feel like I just need to make his food to keep the peace. AIBU?

Just say to him "from now on we sort our own lunches and you should plan what you're going to have - I don't really want to hear about it".

I remember on mat leave dh moaning that “all the other wives” made their dh’s packed lunch and he had to sort his own.

pissed myself laughing.

Of course he should be able to sort his own lunch out. My DH does that and rarely asks questions apart from if I would like to share something with him.

Yours seems to think that you are his mother.

He finds choosing his lunch overwhelming? Useless man child.

DH works from home a lot and I am part time and also work from home one day. We have an unspoken agreement that we sort our own lunch out, I’d be very annoyed if a grown man expected me to sort his meals.

What's the set up of your working spaces?

I'm just wondering if he has a decent office in a spare bedroom while you're at the kitchen table or something?

What a twat.

I would try not showing any frustration, just neutrally saying "I don't know, have a look" again and again.

Or scheduling teams calls back to back over lunch

agree that you need to sort out your work spaces so that he can't just wander in and ask.

I don't do any of the cooking. But we both make our shopping list (write on it when we know we need something, then check again before we or one of us goes) and we are both responsible for our own hunger if it's not dinner time.

Occasionally if we're both home for lunch one of us will make something for both. But.

Just one last time tell your DH that you are not responsible for his lunch, he is. And if it's overwhelming to eat the same thing every day, you don't care what it is and want nothing to do with it.

and then disengage from the topic

He sounds like my 2 year old.

Oh tell home to fuck off! He's being ridiculous.

Is he otherwise anxious or obsessive in his behaviours and has chores that he views as "his" and completes religiously, or is he a lazy git who doesn't pull his weight in general?

The best approach to alleviate the issue hinges on the answer IMO.

He's completely unreasonable, you know this.

But, since you love him, and his ADHD makes it hard for him, you could work towards a solution that makes it easier for him and you?

Can you add a batch cook and portion out 5 portions in the fridge for him? Chilli one week, whatever the next etc.?

How do you do your food shop? Is he involved??? He should decide on what he wants for his lunches - 5 simple hot lunches-and get them on the weekly shop. Five tins of soup if necessary. My adult son and I are home for lunch every day. We make ourselves toast usually.

Can't help but wonder what on earth is going on in the minds of the 2% of posters who think you are being unreasonable!

Of course he can get his own lunch. He is a capable adult, I presume, if he is able to hold down a job!

I would have to say something to make it clear that I was not responsible for feeding a grown adult!!

The OP is the one with ADHD, not the DH. She absolutely shouldn't start bloody batch cooking for him. He can batch cook for himself!

He doesnt just want a hot meal. He wants you to cook him a hot meal. Because, in the end, that's your role. In his head, you're job boils down to looking after him. You're at home so he expects you to do it. Never mind you have a job; that just isn't as important.

He might no actually be thinking that on a conscious level but so many men still have the built in misogyny and it just comes out. Your job is to cook for him.

He manages to work. I bet he manages to sort things with his mates or his hobbies or whatever. But cooking... that's on you. Because you're a woman.

I'd be coming down on him hard about this. It isnt acceptable.

My 13 yo son tried this on me yesterday when I was lying on my bed reading and he wanted a snack.
Let's just say, he'll think again before asking.
He's 13 - he's going to push it, and mine is going through the phase where they can't seem to think or find things.
I didn't tolerate it from my teenager and I would absolutely not tolerate it from an adult. Hopefully my son won't grow into one of those men who think they are above making their own lunch.

This sort of shit behaviour makes me so mad - why does he, as a grown man, think that you should make his lunch for be responsible for the contents of your fridge?? Just because you are a woman! It’s sexism whether it’s conscious or unconscious - his excuse of being overwhelmed is frankly ridiculous! If he can hold down a job he can bloody decide what to make for his own lunch!

Why should OP have to hide her frustration? This is a fully grown man we’re talking about not a SN child who has to be handled with kid’s gloves. OP tell him to fuck off and to never interrupt you while you are working again!

This was my first thought too - would he come into your office space to interrupt you or is it because you are working within sight of the fridge and kitchen?

Tell him to make a meal plan in advance if he struggles to choose.

How often does he cook for you?

Oh I used to have one of these men. I used to just say "I dunno" to everything. Everything. Bonus if it was something I clearly did know because I had done it myself the night before or whatever.

Luckily that worked a treat bevause he learnt to use his own brain v quickly and I married him 😉

YANBU. At all. My DH has similar tendencies but I've squashed them.

He needs to plan his lunches in advance if he finds it so stressful.

Why don't you divorce him and both live happy?

A few weeks ago I got the comment he was sick of me cooking the same old shit every day, which I actually don't..he decided he would make a list of things he wanted to eat each day...I didn't cook for 4 days..he ate toast..the list never appeared nor any suggestions about shopping ideas...now when he asks what's for dinner I tell him 'the same old shit'. He says nothing.

I think there's this, he does expect you to solve this for him, despite presumably being perfectly able to make his own lunch.
It's up to you really how you want to deal with this.
You either disengage and say that you're not eating lunch so he needs to sort himself out and not disturb you when you're working or maybe nudge him towards being more pro-active, meal planning, batch cooking, getting something out of the freezer in the morning, simple meals like pasta and pesto, etc.

What a strange thing to have to deal with.

what did you do before WFH? i cant imagine my H asking me what to eat for lunch.