To expect DH to sort his own lunch?

[Glasshopper]

This is a recurring issue that I'm finding very tiresome. We both WFH, and every day come lunchtime DH appears downstairs and asks what we have for lunch. I take ADHD meds that suppress my appetite so I tend to skip lunch and pick at something later in the afternoon, and frankly rustling up his lunch is not on my radar whilst I'm sat at my laptop in the middle of something.

He gets very mardy and flustered if it's not immediately obvious what is available to eat, and seems unable to look in the fridge and assess what ingredients we have and come up with a plan. I had batched cooked a chilli at the weekend, and we finished it off yesterday. He's just appeared and asked in rapid succession, before even looking in the fridge, whilst I was in the middle of something (he interrupts me with impunity):

"What do we have for lunch?"
"Did we eat the last of the chilli?"
"There are no leftovers in the fridge then?"
"Do we have any bread?"

At this point I grew exasperated and snapped that yes, as I already said we ate all the chilli. Then I asked why I am the only one who is expected to keep track of the kitchen inventory at all times and plan out his lunch for him, and he huffed off up to his office as though I'm highly unreasonable.

I'm just tired of having to plan meals for an adult man as though he's a toddler. He gets in a mood with me if I show any frustration with this and it leads to an atmosphere, making me feel like I just need to make his food to keep the peace. AIBU?

a week before 1st lockdown I had major emergency surgery. When lockdown hit I was back home along with 2 working adults, a uni student and a 6th form student. I sat them all down and said - I will sort dinner - breakfast and lunch and cups of tea are your responsibility - I will order anything you need on the weekly shop. It worked for us.

I'm set up in the lounge and he is in the spare room upstairs. He comes down numerous times a day and starts talking at me before he's even reached the bottom stair, with no concern that he is interrupting me. He talks about his work so much I feel like I work there too! He'll come into the lounge and just stare out the back window until I ask him what he needs, or he will play with the dog for a few minutes and then go back to his office. It really winds me up! Tbh I'm sure he has ADHD but he isn't diagnosed.

"I'll have whatever your making just leave it in the kitchen I'm not ready for lunch yet tonnes to do....oh and if your putting the kettle on...."

My husband used to come in saying how about a cuppa (his mum used to leap up everytime anyone came in) I'd say yes please.....he soon learned just to make one.

It sounds really irritating but I don't think you asking him what's for lunch repeatedly is the way forward. Passive aggressive only escalates the bad atmosphere (in any situation!).
Are you generally responsible for food? I just wonder, if he didn't ask you and just went ahead and made something, would you then comment that he'd used something you planned to use for dinner later, and so on. And therefore he's "trained" to ask.
Either way, a good resolution is meal planning. Sit down together once a week, once a fortnight, whatever works. Plan breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, drinks. Make your shopping list from that. Allocate responsibility for preparing each meal. Perhaps he can prepare lunch each day for both of you as he eats earlier but can leave yours ready for later, and you can prepare the evening meal. Or alternate.
But instead of just being annoyed about him asking, propose a change or solution.

I'm set up in the lounge and he is in the spare room upstairs. He comes down numerous times a day and starts talking at me before he's even reached the bottom stair, with no concern that he is interrupting me.

make him swap. That is out of order.

Why not try doing a weekly meal plan together on Saturday mornings.
Then order your groceries online.

It's a bit of effort at the time but then blissfully easy for the rest of the week. I find that we eat better and waste less when we do this.

It's not for everyone but might work for you?

I suggest you swap ‘offices’ then, on the basis that he takes more frequent breaks and he keeps interrupting you.

Don’t start making excuses for him. ADHD or no ADHD he is a lazy, sexist, self important pain in the arse who treats you like the inferior little woman with an inferior little job.

Tell him to stop asking you about lunch. Ever.

"I am not responsible for your lunch. Not today, not tomorrow, not EVER. You're not a child. FEED YOURSELF."

If he starts asking more questions about how to make blah blah tell him GO AWAY AND STOP BOTHERING ME.

Also this is a very effective tactic - all the questions in your OP could have been answered by ‘I don’t know’ or ‘No idea, have a look’. If you consistently do it, it will help.

Agree you need to swap offices, why should his male privilege bagsy the best space?

Also - swap work spaces. You work upstairs, he works in the lounge, so he has no excuse to come up and disturb you.

I thought this would be the case. You need to swap working rooms. He has the more private set-up but I bet you wouldn’t interrupt him anyway. As he’s incapable of leaving you the hell alone when you’re working, you should be the one working in the spare room. No need for him to come upstairs. I’d also advocate for a lock on the door wherever you are: set yourself up with your banana, crisps, water and a flask of tea, lock the door, and put a Do Not Disturb: DH This Means You sign up. Mute his texts. He won’t starve.

This post reminds me of the poor poster whose husband wouldn’t stop bringing her hot drinks, even when she said no, even when she had one in her hand: just kept coming in and interrupting work calls with his interrupty beverages. Not to paint with a sweeping brush but there are so many of these threads and it’s always the man interrupting his wife’s work and it makes me want to start my own business where I go around all the WFH homes and shout FUCK OFF JUST FUCK OFF AND LET HER DO HER JOB FUCK OFF FFS SHOO at them all. Has he ever worked in an office? How an earth did he manage his lunches there, by harassing colleagues what he should get from Pret?

This is just not a practical arrangement! Is there nowhere else in the house you could set up a desk?
You need to be able to work uninterrupted. He needs to be able to take breaks. It's healthy to take breaks when you are working, I also

You know yanbu. He’s very much out of order pestering you like this during your working day.
You’re wfh but you’re still working. You’re not available to chat to sort his lunch. If you were working on your employer’s premises, you surely wouldn’t be expected to organise and make a colleague’s lunch? If he was working on his employer’s premises, who would he be badgering to get his lunch?
Yes he may have adhd, but should still be able to get his own lunch. He’s abusing the wfh situation to use you as his servant/ mum, just because you’re there.
Can either of you work somewhere else? This sounds like an intolerable working environment for you. And he seems to not be the right kind of person to work alone at home, if he keeps needing to leave his desk and talk about work.

Sorry OP, but your OH sounds like a petulant, incapable child - what an absolute turn off
im assuming he has other, more redeeming qualities?

@pelargoniums I remember that poster and the interrupty beverages, and I remember all the He’s Just Being Nice And You Should Be Grateful You Nasty Witch replies that made me want to scream!

Direct approach - “I’m busy and can’t talk. I’m not hungry.”

Less direct approach - Put headphones on with white noise / music / podcasts. If he tried to speak to you just point to headphones as if you’re on a call.

Do not engage in any discussion of food in the day.

Do not respond to any resulting moods.

He wants you to make a hot lunch every day then is pissy when you refuse to comply. Ignoring the fact you aren’t hungry.

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

Yeah fanny snapped shut / Sahara desert territory.

Just buy loads of soups and say "soup".

Soup is hot. If you feel generous you could say soup and toast.

He does not respect you or your job. He is deeply sexist and misogynistic.

A few suggestions, not necessarily in this order:

Lose your temper at him - really let rip. How dare he just interrupt you! Would he just barge into his boss's office and start talking? And you are not his mum, he is not 6 years old, so he is to never, ever ask you about lunch again.

Give him a standard reply: "I'm busy. I don't know". Every single time. If he keeps talking when you have said these words, say "I'm busy, please don't interrupt". And say it again as often as needed until he goes away.

Leave the house each day at about 11.00 to go and work in a cafe, or into the office, don't return until 3.00.

Sit down one evening and have a mature conversation about how he sees your role and your work. Re-organise domestic responsibilities, e.g. you will do all laundry, house cleaning and household admin, he is 100% responsible for all food shopping, cooking, and tidying the kitchen. Then the next day go to his desk at 12.00 and ask what is for lunch.

Leave the sexist twat.

Whoever does the shopping gets 5 ready meals and puts them in the fridge for his hot lunch. Simple, no arguments, no questions required.

My husband asks about food too, however in our house I do all the food and he does all the washing. It’s a clear split and it works for us. But I don’t work Monday and I meal prep, box it and leave it for him to find/heat up when he needs it.

However - being a grown adult, if I haven’t done this and say ‘I don’t know’ then he takes himself to the kitchen and scrambles some eggs.

Lock door while working

every adult sorts their own food, at least temporarily while he learns how.

christ on a bike.

And it’s her job to do this because …….

Is there somewhere out of the house where you could work?

Your office / a shared office space in town / business centre / cafe / library etc? I think that not physically being there will massively help with the interuptions.

Prioritise yourself before you stab him!