To expect DH to sort his own lunch?

[Glasshopper]

This is a recurring issue that I'm finding very tiresome. We both WFH, and every day come lunchtime DH appears downstairs and asks what we have for lunch. I take ADHD meds that suppress my appetite so I tend to skip lunch and pick at something later in the afternoon, and frankly rustling up his lunch is not on my radar whilst I'm sat at my laptop in the middle of something.

He gets very mardy and flustered if it's not immediately obvious what is available to eat, and seems unable to look in the fridge and assess what ingredients we have and come up with a plan. I had batched cooked a chilli at the weekend, and we finished it off yesterday. He's just appeared and asked in rapid succession, before even looking in the fridge, whilst I was in the middle of something (he interrupts me with impunity):

"What do we have for lunch?"
"Did we eat the last of the chilli?"
"There are no leftovers in the fridge then?"
"Do we have any bread?"

At this point I grew exasperated and snapped that yes, as I already said we ate all the chilli. Then I asked why I am the only one who is expected to keep track of the kitchen inventory at all times and plan out his lunch for him, and he huffed off up to his office as though I'm highly unreasonable.

I'm just tired of having to plan meals for an adult man as though he's a toddler. He gets in a mood with me if I show any frustration with this and it leads to an atmosphere, making me feel like I just need to make his food to keep the peace. AIBU?

OP, just let him be annoyed.
Don’t apologise, you know he’s in the wrong, just leave him to stew in the atmosphere he’s created, carry on as normal and eventually he’ll forget he’s annoyed.

You apologising reinforces that he has a right to be annoyed and that you’ve done something wrong.

He will make a hurt face and huff and puff, perhaps he'll tell me I'm being nasty or rude. I'll tell him that I'm sorry for having a sharp tone but that xyz is frustrating me. He'll tend to focus on the tone rather than the content of what I said. Or he'll turn it into a joke and tease me for being moody. Very rarely will he admit he is being difficult without me having to offer an apology of some type as well.

You are doing a lot of the work here....

So he is really trying hard to get you to fall into doing what he perceives to be 'women's' jobs. I take it his mother did everything for him and seems to think you should be doing the same. His lack of respect for you is shocking, stomping down the stairs shouting about food without considering you may be on a work call. Can you go out and find a cafe to sit and work and leave him for a few hours during the day? I couldnt tolerate that

He doesn’t sound like a keeper even though you’re married tbh - why is it your job just because you have a vagina? Who does the shopping usually? If he wants something hot then he could get some microwave meals in - this shouldn’t be your job though

I'll give hi the benefit of the doubt and say that he just needs training. I've used the "wait, let me use my x-ray vision!" while dramatically squinting my eyes to comments like this in the past. And certainly, I am 100% responsible for meal planning and shopping overall so I am in the habit of making sure the sorts of things DH eats for lunch are there or I might pick him up a few extra bits and let him know they're there if he wants them, but I'm certainly not doing the food prep for him while I'm working and I'm not answering ridiculous questions like what's in the fridge.

But is this the ONLY area where he behaves in a way that is sub-optimal but when you try to address it he gets defensive and/or sulks so that you land up just letting it go/doing it yourself etc? Because if so, there's a bigger problem.

Jesus Christ. How can you put up with such a lack of respect?

Everything you wrote is a great idea Pies - for a reasonable H who is open to learning.

Sadly, I suspect that this H isn't reasonable, & it isn't about the food per se. It's about him wanting a wife who panders to him like OP's SiL & MiL do.

OP could take on the task of teaching a grown man how to fend for himself at lunchtime, & I reckon all that would happen for the rest of time would be "DW, what can I choose for lunch today? How long does a baked potato take again? There isn't any cheese! - why isn't there any cheese?" etc etc until she bats him over the head with a rolling pin & patios him.

If he wanted to learn to fend for himself, he'd have done so already. A cookbook or even a quick google would teach him how. Teenagers have more nous about How To Make My Own Lunch than he does. So it's not a lack of knowledge, it's a lack of will. Deep down, he feels OP OUGHT to be making his lunch. Shopping for his lunch. Menu planning for his lunch. Washing up after his lunch.
Just like, deep down, he feels her job isn't very important, & he can interrupt it at will. To talk about himself, while she OUGHT to listen. Because he's obviously more important than both OP and her employer.

The only explanation would be if he worked twice as much as you and you had more free time on your hands. With WFH he can jog on and make his own lunch. I admit, I make my husband's lunch, but only because I do mine and he eats the same, so it's not much difference to chop few more tomatoes or olives. When I was WFH (he also did) we were sorting lunches ourselves. He can always go with you to the shop and pick what he likes instead of relying on you to cater him.

Can you make a paddle/sign to wave at him whilst wearing your headphones. "On a call. Go away". You don't even have to look at him.

And another one "Would love a coffee/tea".
Not a spoken word needed & no huffing because of your "tone".

1. Stop apologizing. Placating a sulking manchild gets tired very quickly. This kind of behaviour will erode a marriage in the long-term. Tell him to grow up.
2. Get noise-cancelling earphones. If you are not answering him, that is why. If you are wearing them, then he is to take that as a sign that you are concentrating and don’t want to be interrupted.
3. Remind him that you are not his Mummy or his maid. While you’re at it, remind him that whiny man-children are not remotely sexy.
4. If he wants hot meals for lunch he can go and get ready meals at the supermarket and zap them in the microwave and not derail your work. He doesn’t need to involve you in the shopping process, the choosing process or the cooking process.
5. Think very carefully about whether he asks you about YOUR work. Is he interested in your day at all or are you there simply to listen to him and do the tasks he doesn’t enjoy?

6. Does he ever bring you a cup of tea or coffee? Think about bringing you little things that you might enjoy?

Recently I'm saying you are not a toddler and I am not your snack bitch.

@Tontostitis this made me laugh so hard!

You are not his mother
Everything should be equal
Take turns cooking
Thats what we do, ( although it took a while before my husband realised I am not his servant )

Youre perfectly reasonable being peeved
Time to sit down and share out the tasks.

He will make a hurt face and huff and puff,
"stop huffing & puffing like a spoiled teenager"

perhaps he'll tell me I'm being nasty or rude.
"No dear, what's nasty & rude is constantly interrupting me at work & constantly demanding that I be your maidservant."

I'll tell him that I'm sorry for having a sharp tone but that xyz is frustrating me.
Stop apologising. Use rebuttals instead.

He'll tend to focus on the tone rather than the content of what I said.
"Stop obsessing over how cross you are making me & start listening to me."

Or he'll turn it into a joke and tease me for being moody.
"If you could grow up enough to make your own lunch & stop interrupting me when I'm working my mood would be GREAT."

Very rarely will he admit he is being difficult without me having to offer an apology of some type as well.
Again - STOP APOLOGISING.
Also - you don't need him to apologise, you need him to stop being an irritating, needy, entitled twat.
You don't need an admission, you need a behaviour change. And you will only get one by sticking to your guns.

All this takes from you is a firm, internal decision, that you are more committed to phasing out his behaviour than you are in gaining his approval.

So, you tell your husband to stop interrupting you while you work or ask him why it’s your responsibility to cater to his lunchtime demands and you are dismissed, belittled or told you’re nasty. And you end up apologising.

You are clearly an intelligent woman. It must be clear to you that this is an intensely fucked up dynamic. Your husband is sexist and a bully. You know this. I’m fairly certain you knew it before you wrote this post.

So, I suppose the question is what you’re going to do about it.

You don't enjoy cooking. Time to draw a line in the sand. Tell him you're not cooking anymore on a regular basis, it's not something you enjoy and he'll have to pull his finger out and learn to cope with cooking if he wants hot meals. You're happy just to pick at whatever.

I think I'd treat it a bit like screen addiction in children. Go cold turkey until he's weaned off his overdependence on you.

I could not be ARSED with all this. I'd snap at him 'Go away, I'm working, stop interrupting me' each time he does it.

And as for the lunch? Tell him each morning that it's his responsibility to sort his own lunch, you will sort yourself out. Tell him he's being totally unfair to expect you to make lunch for a grown-ass man. Tell him it's very unattractive being married to a man-baby, and it makes you never want to have sex again.

He will make a hurt face and huff and puff, perhaps he'll tell me I'm being nasty or rude. I'll tell him that I'm sorry for having a sharp tone but that xyz is frustrating me. He'll tend to focus on the tone rather than the content of what I said. Or he'll turn it into a joke and tease me for being moody. Very rarely will he admit he is being difficult without me having to offer an apology of some type as well.

This is more concerning. He can't take responsibility for his own behaviour, and sulking and causing an atmosphere is emotional abuse. Can you and he discuss ANYTHING without him getting in a childish strop?

I get you, op. No advice though!

With mine it went : first his mum cooked for him, then University cooked for him, then his work canteen and Domino’s Pizza cooked for him and now I cook for him…but from day one, we’ve been married 22 years - I’ve refused to cook anything but his dinner. We do the supermarket shop together and I put all the stuff for the evening meals in the trolley and he puts in what he needs to make his own breakfast (he leaves for work three hours before me and I can’t face food first thing) and lunch/snacks if he’s WFH.

In reality this means he just makes sure there’s a shedload of bread, apples, full fat milk and peanut butter in the house at all times. He has never once cooked anything (thinks ‘fending for himself’ with yet more bread and peanut butter at dinner time is doing me a huge favour) but in extremis will take me out for a meal or get me a takeaway. All things considered I think I got lucky, I see all the threads on here about DH’s who are keen cooks/foodies and think I couldn’t stand that!

We don’t have kids so it works for us. I don’t think I’d want little ones growing up thinking it was normal though.

Christ. Gammon steaks and chilli for lunch. Stuff that. A sandwich or soup, or, as a treat a jacket potato should suffice surely. Made by himself obviously - or if you are making one for yourself and vice versa.

Ask him, how am I being mean (in a neutral tone)? Don't apologise, it's a tactic to guilt you. Is he really going to say, because you won't tell me what's in the fridge, surely even he would realise that sounds ridiculous. If he says it's your tone ignore that and just repeat that you're busy and he needs to sort his own lunch out.

Remember those kind of jokes are not intended to be funny, just unkind or manipulative. If he makes a joke about being moody, just say, I'm working and busy (again in a neutral tone). Ask him could he check what's in the fridge and let you know.

All these things he uses are tactics to detract from the very obvious point, that he is being really unreasonable expecting you to look after him when you're working yourself. Keep to that point, and don't be distracted. Once you realise what tactics he uses they lose their power.

I’m at home and I love cooking but even I would be annoyed with your situation. Well my DH also likes homemade hot meals more then takeaways and likes my cooking but if he is hungry and I’m
busy he will go and cook something for himself (and for me as well) He might ask me a question or two but he wouldn’t demand or sulk.
I wouldn’t expect your DH to cook something complicated but there are a lot of simple things. He can stock up what he wants in advance and proceed. He’s got very strange expectations.

Wow. Only read OP comments but gosh this sounds awful!

During lockdown I had 3 kids at home and got totally fed up of making lunches. They were aged 9-15. I was working more than full time hours.

I told them- in the middle of the day I will shout Lunch- which means you come and get lunch.
They all knew that whatever was in the fridge was available, and they had to have a carb, some protein, and some fruit or veg.

They all got their own lunch. We often ate together- or sometimes one or two went off to chat to friends on the phone.
But they were all capable of making their own lunch.

Push back OP. He's not a small child

How is the rest of the marriage OP?

these things are rarely isolated.