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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childcare- i need perspective

238 replies

NatMoz · 18/01/2023 08:47

When i was pregnant my parents promised childcare help one day a week. When i was young my grandparents looked after me 5 days a week so obviously much less in comparison and i was grateful for the one day a week and sorted nursery accordingly on other days.

My parents caught a flu over Christmas/NY so I've managed to arrange a short notice nursery slot on their day so i had childcare cover. Very stressful!

They are due to come tomorrow and my dad has now said if he catches another bug/flu/sickness like the last one they refuse to come for the rest of the winter. He also said he's mad at me for booking a summer holiday as they are there to save us money on childcare so it seems unfair that the money is instead being used to pay for a holiday.

I don't know if I'm in the wrong here or what to think. I didn't realise i wasn't allowed to live while they helped with childcare.

Please give me some perspective. I can see both sides but i'm already on tenderhooks with the nursery sending my baby home due to bugs and having to juggle work between my husband and me and now this!!

OP posts:
MyWillyBrokeTheDogBowl · 18/01/2023 08:49

If you can afford the extra day in daycare I would just do that and save yourself any stress or judgement! I can’t imagine ever offering my children childcare and then judging them on what they do with their finances! Of course you’re allowed a holiday and it’s mean spirited to suggest otherwise. Unless you’re up to your eyes in debt and barely getting by then they’ve really no right to tell you what to do with your money.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 18/01/2023 08:50

Your option is be beholding to them or use nursery.....
End of thread...

Lobelia123 · 18/01/2023 08:51

Your father has no rght to dictate how you may or may not spend any money you theoretically save on their one day of childcare per week. It starting to sound like there are all kinds of conditions and exceptions attached to this arrangement, and that you wont have any certainty or peace of mind over the arrangement. If I were you I would really relegate granny and grandad to weekends and special occasions and rely on fulltime care for your little one.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 18/01/2023 08:52

So you are supposed to sit in every night and holiday whilst they cover 20% of your childcare? Mental. Up the hours at nursery and leave them out of the equation.

Original poster
NatMoz · 18/01/2023 08:55

No debt, only mortgage and lots of savings in the bank! We don't live beyond our means and are frugal in our every day lives, we just like to splash out on a holiday (up until October last year we stayed in the UK due to covid- mostly camping or cheap Airbnb).

OP posts:
lifeinthehills · 18/01/2023 08:55

How strange that the begrudge you a holiday. They clearly think they get a say in your finances since they are caring for your child. It doesn't sound like they are the most reliable childcare either. I'd organise all care in daycare. They don't sound like they really want to do the childcare and they can't hold it over you then.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 18/01/2023 08:56

When they offered, did they say it was to save you money?

PinkPlantCase · 18/01/2023 08:56

YANBU at all!

My parents do a day a week of childcare, they do it because they enjoy spending time with my DC and love having a while day with him.

We still go on holidays etc. they don’t make any comments at all about how we spend our money.

If you can afford the full 5 days in nursery I’d do that and avoid the stress of the grandparents.

Also everyone knows toddlers come with lots of bugs!

Original poster
NatMoz · 18/01/2023 08:57

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 18/01/2023 08:56

When they offered, did they say it was to save you money?

Yes but also that they didn't mind because they got to spend time with their granddaughter. My dad did say that he could just come on my non working day and see her then instead

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 18/01/2023 08:57

This arrangement is already fraught with problems, even before your father's comments.

What other back up do you have when they go on holiday or are sick.

If none, I would honestly put the child in full time nursery, and leave your parents to the odd bit of babysitting, not a regular commitment.

Calphurnia88 · 18/01/2023 08:59

This is why I have gone down the paid childcare route when I return to work.

When DS was younger, MIL (very kindly) offered to provide childcare to help us save money. We said thank you but when we we explained that, in practical terms, this means commiting to provide childcare on the same day each week over a long period, we could see the cogs whirring and knew immediately that this wasn't going to work.

I think sometimes grandparents offer this with the best intentions, but don't realise what their signing up for.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 18/01/2023 08:59

I'd just say "we appear to have crossed wires - we can afford full time nursery, but that you both wanted to do a day a week, we've only booked her in for four days. If you can't commit to that, I totally understand, we will just increase our days at the nursery and you guys can just spend time with her when we are all home at the weekend"

Original poster
NatMoz · 18/01/2023 08:59

AhNowTed · 18/01/2023 08:57

This arrangement is already fraught with problems, even before your father's comments.

What other back up do you have when they go on holiday or are sick.

If none, I would honestly put the child in full time nursery, and leave your parents to the odd bit of babysitting, not a regular commitment.

So far we've been able to squeeze her into the nursery she goes to on a Monday and Friday. They have been accomodating. I have her tues and weds.

OP posts:
BridieConvert · 18/01/2023 08:59

I think others have hit the nail on the head here - it sounds like there are conditions attached to this childcare arrangement and it sounds like it causes more stress than it's worth. If you can afford the extra day in nursery I would do that and then you are not relying on your parents who seem to want to move the goalposts and then judge you for your choices made with your money.

LaSolitudine · 18/01/2023 09:00

I personally wouldn't go ahead with this arrangement and would sort the extra day in nursery - if you are working you need guaranteed childcare without all the conditions attached.

If a regular commitment of one day is too much for your parents, maybe you could arrange the extra day in nursery and DC can be off for the day on an ad hoc basis if your parents are able / want to look after DC on a given day. That doesn't help with the costs though unfortunately but means you have consistent childcare.

Toomanywaterwipes · 18/01/2023 09:01

I think full time nursery is your best option here too. Sounds like they (or your dad at least) don't really want to do the one day a week anymore. Or maybe they feel it's too much for them now. And the watching what you spend is ridiculous.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 18/01/2023 09:02

Also, off topic, but you appear to work Monday, Thursday and Friday which, if part time, is often the worst set up - nearly all Bank Holidays fall on a Monday, and nurseries usually bill for Bank Holidays, plus you likely have to use some of your annual leave to cover some of the Bank Holidays as you won't be entitled to them all.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/01/2023 09:02

I wonder if they are angling to be paid.

Original poster
NatMoz · 18/01/2023 09:03

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 18/01/2023 09:02

Also, off topic, but you appear to work Monday, Thursday and Friday which, if part time, is often the worst set up - nearly all Bank Holidays fall on a Monday, and nurseries usually bill for Bank Holidays, plus you likely have to use some of your annual leave to cover some of the Bank Holidays as you won't be entitled to them all.

Literally not my choice. Work wouldn't let me have Monday or Friday off.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 18/01/2023 09:05

Ah thats a gutter!!

Bananallamarama · 18/01/2023 09:07

It does sound a bit like your dad doesn’t want to commit to one day a week and he’s using illness as an excuse.

it’s much easier politically to have DC in nursery full time, as annoying as the increased cost is!

Coffeeandchocs · 18/01/2023 09:10

OP, while it’s not excusing your parents attaching conditions to them helping with childcare, are they hard up financially?

If for example they’re struggling to cover their heating bill at the moment, I can kind of understand why they’d be a bit snarky with you taking a holiday while they struggle given they are saving you money by looking after your child.

This wouldn’t be my thinking, just playing devil’s advocate.

dogdaydown · 18/01/2023 09:15

I'd feel very let down but I'd put the DC is nursery, I wouldn't be beholden to them.

Sad that a parent thinks that to save you money you must be totally on the breadline, not take pleasure that it allows you a family holiday, you may otherwise not get, very unkind imo.

Beseen22 · 18/01/2023 09:15

Too many strings attached, go with nursery. They can do adhoc if they want to (though it seems they'll be unlikely to cover for illness). No your father doesn't get to decide how you spend your money.

Chimna · 18/01/2023 09:15

God I know how you feel. My parents refuse to have my DC overnight ever as my Dad doesn't like being tired. I know, that's why I spent the majority of my childhood sleeping at grandparents! They insisted on having DC one day a week when small but would constantly change working days/book holidays and tell me the night before that they couldn't have DC when I was supposed to be working. They now complain they hardly see DC but I'm not committing to visiting every weekend. I definitely recommend only using paid childcare, much less stressful.