Childcare- i need perspective

[NatMoz]

When i was pregnant my parents promised childcare help one day a week. When i was young my grandparents looked after me 5 days a week so obviously much less in comparison and i was grateful for the one day a week and sorted nursery accordingly on other days.

My parents caught a flu over Christmas/NY so I've managed to arrange a short notice nursery slot on their day so i had childcare cover. Very stressful!

They are due to come tomorrow and my dad has now said if he catches another bug/flu/sickness like the last one they refuse to come for the rest of the winter. He also said he's mad at me for booking a summer holiday as they are there to save us money on childcare so it seems unfair that the money is instead being used to pay for a holiday.

I don't know if I'm in the wrong here or what to think. I didn't realise i wasn't allowed to live while they helped with childcare.

Please give me some perspective. I can see both sides but i'm already on tenderhooks with the nursery sending my baby home due to bugs and having to juggle work between my husband and me and now this!!

Well the obvious answer surely, is to arrange your own childcare with nursery. Do not rely on any childcare from your parents.

Parents can see their grandchild when it suits YOU, not them.

Don’t get swept up in drama. Pay for your required childcare and don’t be beholden to them for anything.

"One thing I would respond would be " I was greatful for your help but I though one day a week was a good opportunity for you to get to know your grandchildren and form a bond. But anyway no need for you to do this any more"."

Absolutely do not say this unless you are happy for your parents to resent you for the obvious guilt trip by you that the above is.

YANBU!
It seems they didn’t think through what they were signing up for when they offered to help and did not factor in the obvious things that comes with that - for example picking up bugs from a child that attends nursery weekly, it’s inevitable.
I would be upset that as your parents, they aren’t pleased to help you out which in turn allows family holidays etc to make memories with your DC. I would put them into full time paid childcare so you don’t have to rely on them.

Sadly we found ourselves in a very similar situation. The easiest thing would be for you and your OH to work 4 days condensed full time, then you can reduce childcare to 3 days, saving money, and you won’t rely on unwilling grandparents for help.

I get that they don’t have to help out, but when you remember them being helped when you were a child, or that helped more for your nieces and nephews, it’s hard to swallow. But also quite freeing, as you owe them nothing in return, and they get to miss spending some quality time with your child.

I'd just book her into nursery for an extra day and tell them you don't need their help. I could not be arsed with someone acting like they can tell you what you can do with your life because they have looked after your baby twice.

Do your parents not realise that it can actually be much cheaper to holiday abroad? We gave up trying to have a main holiday in the UK when the children were quite little as trying to entertain them when the weather was bad (we camped) seemed to cost a fortune. The weather was much more predictable in Europe.

definitely cancel the arrangement, if they’re making that kind of fuss after just two days it will only get much worse.

We were offered 1 day a week from grandparents but decided against it as knew in the long run it would become too much hassle for instance if the grandparents were ill, on holiday, wanted to make plans we wiuld be impacted. We said that we would politely decline the offer but said grandparents are welcome at any time to take our DS out of nursery any days they wanted. He's 4 now and grandparents have never taken up this option and last year went on holiday for 6 weeks so feel vindicated by our decision and happy that it hasn't stopped my mother in law being able to enjoy her retirement and have to plan around childcare provisions.

Have you organised the nursery day now?

You don’t need to be vindictive or resentful. Quite a bit of covert CF on here. I know they “promised” but reality bites.

Older adults putting in regular full day(s) of childcare and dealing with nursery illnesses isn’t fair to expect. I know many offer and enjoy it, some also struggle (and hide it).

You’re also in a solid position financially and don’t actually need their help. Unless you discussed all your savings they probably assumed based on your self reported frugal living this would help you not struggle to meet day to day costs.

Your dad is resentful of your holiday plans but you seem just as resentful of their involvement with your DB, irrelevant to your dilemma and just as much none of your business.

They offered and gave it a go but it hasn’t worked out. Better you have reliable childcare, your parents stay healthy and relationships are not strained.

I would just save yourself the hassle and book your little one into nursery for all days needed. No point waiting on your parents to give excuses to not take them and also means you don't have to feel guilty over your summer holiday as it's all your hard work.

When I had my first 13 years ago my mum had DD for 1 day a week and we had a regular pattern. After my second she continued to do 1 day a week. After my third her work situation had changed and we set up a working pattern of a day every other week which worked for us both. I accepted they would have holidays and was able to up the days at nursery where needed with notice and they understood we would have holidays and therefore wouldn’t need the childcare. I’m due number 4 this year and they’ve already said they won’t be able to commit to childcare on a regular basis - they’re older and both still working full time hours. They still do childcare if needed and between them and the in-laws we have just done a trip to the states as a couple for a week. I would never expect the childcare and appreciated what they were able to offer.
It’s all well and good saying we’re saving you money by doing childcare for you but you’ve covered their sickness and what if they want a holiday. It needs to benefit you both and you need to sit down and have a discussion on if this will work long term.

Put DC in nursery on their day, it sounds like they don’t really want to look after her and do you really want to have to justify what you’re spending your money on every time you make a large purchase just because they are saving you money by helping with childcare?

It sounds like they don't really want to commit to be honest. They enjoyed 5 days a week of childcare for you but now the boot is on the other foot, it doesn't suit. No matter, they aren't obliged. For reliability, I would organise childcare so you aren't stressing out when they inevitably let you down. It smarts a bit considering they wait on your brother hand and foot but what can you do? They probably enjoy a quiet house and adult conversation.