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Original poster

Childcare- i need perspective

238 replies

NatMoz · 18/01/2023 08:47

When i was pregnant my parents promised childcare help one day a week. When i was young my grandparents looked after me 5 days a week so obviously much less in comparison and i was grateful for the one day a week and sorted nursery accordingly on other days.

My parents caught a flu over Christmas/NY so I've managed to arrange a short notice nursery slot on their day so i had childcare cover. Very stressful!

They are due to come tomorrow and my dad has now said if he catches another bug/flu/sickness like the last one they refuse to come for the rest of the winter. He also said he's mad at me for booking a summer holiday as they are there to save us money on childcare so it seems unfair that the money is instead being used to pay for a holiday.

I don't know if I'm in the wrong here or what to think. I didn't realise i wasn't allowed to live while they helped with childcare.

Please give me some perspective. I can see both sides but i'm already on tenderhooks with the nursery sending my baby home due to bugs and having to juggle work between my husband and me and now this!!

OP posts:
Original poster
NatMoz · 18/01/2023 09:16

Coffeeandchocs · 18/01/2023 09:10

OP, while it’s not excusing your parents attaching conditions to them helping with childcare, are they hard up financially?

If for example they’re struggling to cover their heating bill at the moment, I can kind of understand why they’d be a bit snarky with you taking a holiday while they struggle given they are saving you money by looking after your child.

This wouldn’t be my thinking, just playing devil’s advocate.

Good point but no. They both get state pensions as well as company pensions which amount to £4k a month total between them. They also have rental income from various property and £150k in savings

OP posts:
TheChosenTwo · 18/01/2023 09:16

Put your dc in nursery for the day your parents usually cover. Problem solved.

sleepylittlebunnies · 18/01/2023 09:17

Did they never take a holiday while your grandparents looked after you 5 days a week? My DM looked after my DC when little and was glad that it meant we could afford holidays.

Original poster
NatMoz · 18/01/2023 09:20

sleepylittlebunnies · 18/01/2023 09:17

Did they never take a holiday while your grandparents looked after you 5 days a week? My DM looked after my DC when little and was glad that it meant we could afford holidays.

They did but not abroad. I think the point is going abroad is too luxurious.

They spend a lot on things like clothes, items etc. That's what gives them pleasure whereas i don't. My pleasure is experiences and that's how we differ. They spend their money differently

OP posts:
BrioLover · 18/01/2023 09:20

Surely the whole point of saving money on childcare means you CAN go on holiday?! Madness.

Tbh I'd try my best to use nursery for all the childcare DD needs after those comments.

WandaWonder · 18/01/2023 09:21

Simpler to just use nursery

sleepylittlebunnies · 18/01/2023 09:24

It’s a shame but it does sound like you might need to book nursery for the 3 days you’re working. They shouldn’t have offered the childcare and attached strings to it.

Lkydfju · 18/01/2023 09:24

I think some grandparents like the idea of caring for grandchildren one day a week but when they realise what a commitment it is then they get cold feet; I found my mil caring for my DC quite stressful as she’d give me little notice when she couldn’t come or arrive late without thinking it mattered.
also think it’s unfair for your dad to say that about a holiday.

wouldukissafrog · 18/01/2023 09:24

Our experience of parents helping with childcare was a disaster - use nursery

Iv never forgotten how let down I felt either and it's impacted my relationship with parents for sure - shame

Whatatimetobealivetoday · 18/01/2023 09:26

Wow sounds like they’re not thrilled to be doing the childcare if they have these conditions.

One of the downsides of GPS doing the childcare is you have to allow for them being ill etc and have a back up plan, which you managed to sort out. Obviously they can’t help being ill and they might get ill again, especially if they catch anything from the baby at nursery.

I don’t think it’ll be as easy ride with them as caregivers.

Whatatimetobealivetoday · 18/01/2023 09:28

Oh and the comment about the holiday is mean.

Sotiredmjmmy · 18/01/2023 09:40

I think that your own grandparents looked after you 5 days a week and the reasons for that is probably what is influencing your parents view, not appreciating these are a different set of circumstances for you and your DC now.

We had similar issues, they either cover the day because they want to spend time with DC or you add the extra day at nursery

Muu · 18/01/2023 09:44

I would ask the nursery for the extra day permanently and then the grandparents can have a day with her when they want to.

it sounds like they don’t really want to do it.

I had a similar (not identical) scenario myself and I had to arrange formal childcare in the end. I’m really grateful for the time my mum had looking after my child but it just didn’t work out.

CavalierApproach · 18/01/2023 09:54

Calphurnia88 · 18/01/2023 08:59

This is why I have gone down the paid childcare route when I return to work.

When DS was younger, MIL (very kindly) offered to provide childcare to help us save money. We said thank you but when we we explained that, in practical terms, this means commiting to provide childcare on the same day each week over a long period, we could see the cogs whirring and knew immediately that this wasn't going to work.

I think sometimes grandparents offer this with the best intentions, but don't realise what their signing up for.

We did the same for exactly the same reason. It was hard, childcare costs a bomb and we never take holidays ever (not that I begrudge those who do! Just saying, it’s not like we could “easily” afford ft childcare, it was a sacrifice) — however I just knew that there would probably be upsetting conflict over reliability and our expectations of consistency if we used PIL for childcare, which they did initially want us to do.

jessycake · 18/01/2023 09:57

What does your mum say ? I wonder if having the flu , the doom and gloom news and hands off health care have shaken him a bit .

notnowmonster · 18/01/2023 09:57

Book your child into nursery - it sounds like you can't rely on your parents - certainly not your father anyway. I'd be very annoyed - as nurseries often don't have availability for extra days at short notice .
My family helped with my daughter when she was at nursery - set days/times. They did it because they wanted to spend time with her as well as to save me money - the result is she is still very close to them now and wants to spend time with them - your dad is missing out

DrMarciaFieldstone · 18/01/2023 10:01

I used family at first - they offered (begged!) and we paid, but it was too hard. Also what happens when they want to have a break etc?

Nursery is so much easier and less stressful, even with the additional cost

DrMarciaFieldstone · 18/01/2023 10:02

And agree, I don’t think they really know what they are signing up for when they offer

Coffeeandchocs · 18/01/2023 10:03

The thing is, grandparents (on the whole) love their grandchildren and enjoy time with them. The downside to providing childcare so the parent can go to work is that it is a big commitment. They can’t plan holidays unless it’s a time you’re also on holiday. If they’re poorly they let you down. A toddler is hard work for a younger adult, once you’re getting to retirement age, running around after a little one is tiring!

Your parents should have gone about this in a better way. But maybe they’re just realising what they have actually committed to and now don’t feel they can do it.

Glittertwins · 18/01/2023 10:03

We went down the extortionate route of paid for childcare. MIL offered (we didn't want) various numbers of days which then reduced more and more over time so we went for 100% nursery. It just wasn't worth the hassle

SecretVictoria · 18/01/2023 10:05

Did you ask them to do it and say it would save you money? Apologies if I missed it.

Something a bit similar happened to me. A friend and I were going to flat share, but he told me he couldn’t afford his half of the deposit. I could afford my half but not all of it. My mum paid it in the end, on the understanding that when we left it was returned to her.

The first week we were in the flat, he went and bought himself an iMac. I left after 2 years and he was staying. He asked if the deposit would “just roll over with him”, until I reminded him that it was mine and my mums money 🙄.

JusteanBiscuits · 18/01/2023 10:10

Just a devils advocate kind of thing.

My nephew and his wife are struggling, so their grandmother (my Mum) offered to pay one days childcare a week (instead of looking after the child as she is too old and unable to do it herself, and felt guilty about this) to help them out. Nephew & wife have booked a week in the sun over Easter for them and the toddler and their school age child. My Mum is understandably pissed off. She's not wealthy, but has a little set aside from downsizing, and thought she was helping them out to be able to break even each month.

It depends if they offered to help to spend time with their grandchild, or offered to help out to make working affordable for you.

TolkiensFallow · 18/01/2023 10:15

for reliability I’d go down the paid childcare route. it will resolve bad feeling too.

this happens a lot where grandparents want to spend time with their grandchildren but then are a bit begrudging about how the saved money is spent.

if you pay nursery to do the routine childcare - then you might find more babysitting is more forthcoming if you need something

billy1966 · 18/01/2023 10:20

OP,

Save yourself a LOT of grief.

You have a controlling parent and your father is a PITA.

Pay for nursery and tell your father to mind his own business.

There is a type of parent that offers help and then doesn't actually want to do it, lets their children down, causes stress etc., thinks that their help means they "own" you and they can now pass remarks.

My gentle pal had this donkeys years ago, her MIL pushed to mind her child one day a week and then made a remark about how she spent their money, to her mother,......... that SHE was "funding" their lifestyle.
She said it infront of my mothers friend who was in company.
Her mother was furious at the rudeness.

A couple of other remarks and she had had enough and was done.

As dropping her daughter 20 minutes away and collecting was a PITA and it was HER not her husband who was doing it all, she told HIM that he could now do the drops to his mother or up the nursery days.

He tried to guilt her a bit on how good it was for their daughter but she stood strong, HE could do it for that ONE day...
....
Of course he wasn't prepared to be put out🙄for what HE'D earlier thought was such a good idea.
She was very annoyed with him and his mother and the scales dropped from her eyes a lot.
She toughened up a lot after it, and not a moment too soon.

OP, send your child for the extra days and don't be beholden to your parents.

It's really not worth it if it comes with digs and strings..

billy1966 · 18/01/2023 10:24

JusteanBiscuits · 18/01/2023 10:10

Just a devils advocate kind of thing.

My nephew and his wife are struggling, so their grandmother (my Mum) offered to pay one days childcare a week (instead of looking after the child as she is too old and unable to do it herself, and felt guilty about this) to help them out. Nephew & wife have booked a week in the sun over Easter for them and the toddler and their school age child. My Mum is understandably pissed off. She's not wealthy, but has a little set aside from downsizing, and thought she was helping them out to be able to break even each month.

It depends if they offered to help to spend time with their grandchild, or offered to help out to make working affordable for you.

THAT is vastly different and your mother needs to say she is no longer in a position to supplement their income.

She's not helping out people whom are struggling, she is giving them a stipend every month.

She can say she can no longer afford it.

THAT would annoy most people.

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