Childcare- i need perspective

[NatMoz]

When i was pregnant my parents promised childcare help one day a week. When i was young my grandparents looked after me 5 days a week so obviously much less in comparison and i was grateful for the one day a week and sorted nursery accordingly on other days.

My parents caught a flu over Christmas/NY so I've managed to arrange a short notice nursery slot on their day so i had childcare cover. Very stressful!

They are due to come tomorrow and my dad has now said if he catches another bug/flu/sickness like the last one they refuse to come for the rest of the winter. He also said he's mad at me for booking a summer holiday as they are there to save us money on childcare so it seems unfair that the money is instead being used to pay for a holiday.

I don't know if I'm in the wrong here or what to think. I didn't realise i wasn't allowed to live while they helped with childcare.

Please give me some perspective. I can see both sides but i'm already on tenderhooks with the nursery sending my baby home due to bugs and having to juggle work between my husband and me and now this!!

I think they're being really unfair. 'If we catch another bug then that's it for the winter'. How are you supposed to cope with work when there is the threat of childcare being removed at any given moment?

Secondly unless you specifically asked for help with childcare once a week to save money, then (assuming they offered) it's none of their bloody business how you spend your money.

I'd put your child in nursery 3 days and maybe use your parents for ad hoc childcare.

Also remember that (assuming your childs dad is still around) your child has two parents, it sounds like you're sorting illness / childcare etc on your own

it is possible your parents offered under a sense of duty and in the mistaken belief that you were really short of cash. In that respect they're not wrong to not want to come (if they were reluctant but had that sense of duty) if you can easily afford it.

Your DF isn't entitled to tell you how to spend your money though.

They clearly resent it and think they have the right to dictate your life choices because of it. If you can afford it just put her in nursery that day. This arrangement doesn't seem to be making anyone happy.

Yeah mines the same. It sucks.

Anyway, as PP said I would make clear to your dad that wires have been crossed and you were under the impression they wanted to look after DC to spend time with them rather than to save you money and that you can put them into nursery if that's what they would prefer

Put your child in nursery and the GP can have the DC one of the days you're at home.
That way if they bail,it won't matter.

I’m a childminder and see it not working out with grandparents as childcarers all the time. The thing is it really takes commitment from grandparents to make it work and more often than not, when it comes to it they don’t want to give up every Tuesday or similar. Most families seem to have a better relationship if childcare is ad hoc - in my experience!

if you’re happy with the nursery just get her in there full time. Can always meet up at the weekend and will keep resentment out of your relationship.

This basically. They sound controlling and annoying. Your finances sound in great shape and they need to keep their noses out. What’s wrong with going on holiday if you can afford it?! I would love to know by the way how you plan to stop children getting ill?!

He also said he's mad at me for booking a summer holiday as they are there to save us money on childcare so it seems unfair that the money is instead being used to pay for a holiday.

Sod that. What an ugly point of view.
I would do everything I could to arrange my life so that I did not need to be reliant on someone who wanted to care for their grandchild under these conditions.

I have a neighbour who was really pushed into looking after her grandchildren. Her son said she ‘owed her’ because her mother had looked after him full time.
She did it, but you could see she really struggled. She wasn’t prepared for what looking after a small child was like. She was initially excited but you could tell she didn’t enjoy it.

Getting sick kinda after but that doesn't help you
But
Dictating your life and holidays no f way.

I would end the childcare arrangement immediately. Help should not come with strings attached.

I gave adult children and can't imagine thinking like your dad. I'd rather you were spending your money on fun (holiday) than childcare.

No debt, only mortgage and lots of savings in the bank! We don't live beyond our means and are frugal in our every day lives, we just like to splash out on a holiday (up until October last year we stayed in the UK due to covid- mostly camping or cheap Airbnb)

You can well afford the extra day in nursery so pay it. That solves all problems and you are beholden to nobody. End of.

Sounds like your mum wants to do it and your dad doesn't. What does your mum say about it all?

My mum loves her but hates getting up early in the morning!

My brother still lives at home and she does everything for him, she has to plan an evening meal, makes sure his washing is done and lunch is made etc the night before so it's more work for her. Additionally my dad picks him up from the train station every evening so coordinating that is another thing.

Honestly save yourself the trouble and do an extra day childcare. This will not get better only worse and come with more issues.
Have your independence back of decision you make and spend your money, let them spend time with your daughter when you're not working.
Its a shame that they had support and no reciprocating a small bit back but you reep what you sow and one day they might find they need your help.

We look after our granddaughter, now 2 1/2, on Mondays. We have had her since DIL went back to work when she was six months old. I thought very carefully about what I could commit to and that is what I offered. When the arrangement started I will still working three days a week. I was asked if I could do another day and said no (knowing other grandma would say yes, but even if she didn’t I knew it would be too much for me). The deal is that if we can’t have her we either swap with the other grandma or pay for an extra nursery day. Luckily until now it has been easy to get extra days when needed. We are doing it to help financially, but would never begrudge her parents having a treat or a holiday. This is my son and DIL who I love, of course I want to help. I want them to enjoy life, not struggle. I do worry though about what will happen if my younger kids have kids, especially DD who is only 19. I am on long term medication post cancer that makes me very tired, I really don’t know what I will be able for by the time other grandchildren come along and would feel terrible if I couldn’t offer similar help.

Did they take holidays when you were young?
when your dad says he will just see baby on a non working day I’d be pretty crisp- when I have the time you mean dad, there is lots to do on those days. Not least panicking looking for childcare since my parents promised me to look after my baby and now are letting me down. What would you have done if grandma and grandpa had done that to you?

and sign your child up to childcare, you just have to pay rather than rely on your parents.

Yes holidays UK only.

I did ask him what he would have done if (my) grandparents had colds etc.

He said that back then there was no post covid terrible flu going around so it's different.

Yeah this is one of the (many) problems with family providing free childcare. Just book the nursery place and save yourself the hassle now!

The agreement isn’t working, they feel the way they feel and it’s just going to continue to cause arguments. I would thank them for everything they’ve done so far but due to their ill health and not being able to control whether your kids get sick or not, you now want to pay for the childcare and they can be the fun grandparents who visit when they’d like to. End of story.
They don’t sound very nice OP but it’s always hard to judge these things without walking a mile in their shoes. I do understand how much health matters when older so it might be their health anxiety talking. Either way, cut them loose from this commitment. Good luck

I can understand What They say about being ill. I usually look after my grandson one day per week but I haven't been able to since the end October. I caught this flu bug from them which turned into a chest infection then pneumonia. Its only this week that I've started to feel well again. But im not well enough to drive for an hour and look after a toddler all day. Instead, ive been paying for an extra day in nursery.

I think you should just arrange nursery for the days you need it and keep grandparents visits as visits.

I think they’d probably forgotten how hard a baby/toddler can be to look after, especially for an entire working day which (presumably) covers commuting.

Also - and granted this doesn’t gel with your situation but might also be a bugbear for them - it looks like they’re doing all the sacrifices here. They’re saving you money at the expense of not having a full week free in their retirement to go away or just arrange whatever on that day. And now they’ve got ill on top of it, which even if they’re hale and hearty probably takes longer to get over because of their age. And to them it looks like you’re sacrificing nothing as you’re still going on holiday?

Obviously I’m projecting a little because of a situation in my own family, but yes it can grate when it feels like the top priority is not upsetting your own personal apple cart in favour of putting out someone else.

A favour like this rapidly can turn into an obligation.

There is a lot of undercurrents in that statement about your holiday, and a shit load of resentment.

I would put your child in the nursery with immediate effect, and take your parents out of the equation, they don't want to do it op.

Blaming you for the flu, now saying they can't do it anymore if they catch one more cold....don't leave your child with anyone that doesn't want to be there.

Time to move on.

I don't think he's being unreasonable really, albeit he should have just said they don't want to commit to that rather than coming up with snarky comments, I would want to avoid winter child germs if I could. If they felt they were doing it to save you money then he probably doesn't see the point as much if you're not struggling. Invariably paid childcare is better for most families imo.

Perfect. Seems like a miscommunication. I certainly wouldn't be committing to regular child care for someone that could well afford tonpay for it or do it themselves.