Childcare- i need perspective

[NatMoz]

When i was pregnant my parents promised childcare help one day a week. When i was young my grandparents looked after me 5 days a week so obviously much less in comparison and i was grateful for the one day a week and sorted nursery accordingly on other days.

My parents caught a flu over Christmas/NY so I've managed to arrange a short notice nursery slot on their day so i had childcare cover. Very stressful!

They are due to come tomorrow and my dad has now said if he catches another bug/flu/sickness like the last one they refuse to come for the rest of the winter. He also said he's mad at me for booking a summer holiday as they are there to save us money on childcare so it seems unfair that the money is instead being used to pay for a holiday.

I don't know if I'm in the wrong here or what to think. I didn't realise i wasn't allowed to live while they helped with childcare.

Please give me some perspective. I can see both sides but i'm already on tenderhooks with the nursery sending my baby home due to bugs and having to juggle work between my husband and me and now this!!

I am a grandmother. We look after 2 sets of grandkids once a weeks. For both of my children the other grandparents also do one day a week. I love seeing my grandchildren, but as they also go to nursery/school they pick up loads of bugs. My husband and I seem to pick up these bugs! As the grandchildren are getting older they are building up some immunity and the bugs are getting less often . This has not stopped us wanting to look after our grandkids. I think your parents are being unreasonable not to expect you to have nice holidays. Our children have great holidays and we are very pleased for them. Don’t most parents wants their kids to be as happy as possible? My mother always put conditions on any help. She very occasionally baby sat for us and we would have to take her out the next day. I was determined not to be like my mother.
If you can afford it I wouldn’t put up with any blackmail and put your child in full time. This is a short period in your life and your child will grow out of having so many bugs.

What a shame this won’t work for you. They get to control their time, so you get to control yours. Be busy, a lot.

We had offers from both sets of grandparents, in order to save us money on nursery. We considered it, but ultimately decided that the consistency of nursery on set days through the week and that was it was the better option. Its better for DC and for us. Everyone knows where they are and the grandparents still get time with them but it's purely pleasure for everyone.

I picked up this phrase years ago on Captain Awkward, and it's been proved true over and over again on here when it comes to childcare:

Sometimes the cheapest way to pay is with money.

Professional childcare costs, but the terms of the contract and the relationship are clear, and it's reliable. Family childcare may save cash, but it often exacts a higher toll in terms of unreliability, resentment, and bonus judgement.

There’s definitely a bitterness there ! I would pay for the extra day and remove your reliance on them.

You think she should prevent her child from developing a relationship with his/her grandparents because the grandparents don't want to commit to regular frequent childcare?

Wow.

How old are you parents @NatMoz You say they are both on state pensions so that means over 65, but their son lives at home still and they are in full-on parenting mode for him! (all his meals and collecting him from the station.)

I think your dad is right to say that if they catch flu again this winter they can't be childminders. That is reasonable.

I don't think he's right to say you can't have a holiday from any money 'saved' by using them as a day of free childcare.

Surely he knew that anyway? That you aren't hard up ?

Have you told him this?

And, if you arne't hard up why use them anyway?

Book that extra day OP, otherwise every time you splash out on anything -jam instead of dripping for your bread - it may be held over you.

I think people who let you down and judge your choices don’t get to monopolise the precious day off you have with your child as a standing arrangement. If they want entertaining, go to the cinema!

My brother still lives at home and she does everything for him, she has to plan an evening meal, makes sure his washing is done and lunch is made etc the night before so it's more work for her. Additionally my dad picks him up from the train station every evening so coordinating that is another thing

Unless your brother has special needs of some kind this is outrageous.

65+ mum doing it all for her son.

Don't underestimate how bad flu makes you feel long term, maybe they're just starting to feel unappreciated and tire. Let them off the hook gently and book proper childcare.

It can work out (it did with my parents looking after both of mine) but both really enjoyed doing it (they offered, I didn't ask). There were only a few times when I took annual leave to cover illness.

However, your dad doesn't really want to do it and he also has no right to tell you not to take a holiday!!! I would find a nursery/childminder.

I definitely think they feel that doing childcare gives them some sort of right over your finances. And they don't actually want to help with childcare. I think that's a bit shitty, after they benefited from help in their time and they offered, but it is what it is, and you'd be better booking an extra nursery day.

Hey OP do you know if they caught this bug/flu from your DC? I wonder if so if that's why they are being a bit ratty from it not long having recovered and still fresh in the mind. Of course you can catch bugs anywhere, but trying to see what's annoyed them.

That's sad. I have a similar situation. Why wouldn't your parents want the bonding time ? It's not about the money, it's about building relationships. They clearly just see it as 'doing you a favour ' and aren't seeing the actual benefit of time with grandchild. I had the same problem and put my DD in nursery 5 days. 2 years on I now work 4 days and she does the same .

I started off with my parents having DD one day a week, but I was getting lots of comments about being tired, DD being hard work etc, etc. I ended up feeling guilty for dropping her off. I ended up moving her to 4 days a week at nursery to save the problems.

Very wise words and very true.

So far, they have just created more stress and uncertainty.

It sounds like they want all the kudos from their friends for being 'hands on' and 'helping' you but they are failing to see that childcare has to be consistent and reliable. They are neither. End the agreement and keep her in nursery. They can hang out with her when they feel up to it.

Your father has told you that you could be left in the lurch at any time if they get a sniffle. It seems to me you just can't afford to carry on with this arrangement, it's too risky.

I’d book them in nursery extra day. It’s stressful being let down and begging nursery for a day (been there)
They are obviously finding it too much.
See them on day off if it suits you then if not there’s weekends.

I think I would feel like your parents regarding the holiday.
If I was you I’d use paid for childcare on all the days you work.

They can do that though without having to commit to a full day a week. Plenty of grandparents have wonderful relationships with their grandchildren and don't have this arrangement.

I don't think YABU.
My parents helped me out with childcare when I went back to work, otherwise my entire paycheck was going just to childcare and we wouldn't actually benefit from me going back to work. my mum loved it, did ask for a few days off here and there but she did the majority of the work so of course it was fair. She even asked if we had any holidays planned so they could plan too. I am so grateful for her during that time.
My dad on the other hand would always make off hand comments about not knowing how much longer they could keep doing it and generally found it more of a pain then she did.
She told me not to listen to him and she wouldn't have it any other way but it does pile the guilt on to you! It would always be him that made comments, never her.
In the end, COVID happened and I was made redundant so I took on full time childcare and the guilt went away but shortly before it did I was about to sign up to full time nursery because I couldn't deal with the added pressure. It heavily affected my PPD, which didn't come on until I restarted work.
I'm sure that grandparents offer these things and quickly regret it when they remember what it was like having a little child around all day!

That's sad. You'd think they wanted to save you childcare money SO you can do nice things like go on holiday.

I'm sorry it's worked out this way. You're probably better of taking the childcare hit for a quiet life. Scrambling for childcare is the worst.

Surely going abroad is cheaper.

We cannot afford to holiday in this country.