Childcare- i need perspective

[NatMoz]

When i was pregnant my parents promised childcare help one day a week. When i was young my grandparents looked after me 5 days a week so obviously much less in comparison and i was grateful for the one day a week and sorted nursery accordingly on other days.

My parents caught a flu over Christmas/NY so I've managed to arrange a short notice nursery slot on their day so i had childcare cover. Very stressful!

They are due to come tomorrow and my dad has now said if he catches another bug/flu/sickness like the last one they refuse to come for the rest of the winter. He also said he's mad at me for booking a summer holiday as they are there to save us money on childcare so it seems unfair that the money is instead being used to pay for a holiday.

I don't know if I'm in the wrong here or what to think. I didn't realise i wasn't allowed to live while they helped with childcare.

Please give me some perspective. I can see both sides but i'm already on tenderhooks with the nursery sending my baby home due to bugs and having to juggle work between my husband and me and now this!!

I would go down the nursery route, definitely wouldn't want parents having her when they are throwing it back at you. Unless the agreement was they were to be paid for the 1 day, in this case I can see the point. But otherwise, definitely not.

I'm going to show this thread to my DH. He thinks my parents are dead stingy because they won't cover a day or two a week- literally every one of our friends has parents that provide childcare. However, DM is still working 4 days a week, and there's no way I'd be asking my DDad to look after DD on his own, it wouldn't be much fun for either of them.

DDad was always very firm and said that he and DM weren't going to provide childcare during the week; even when we were teenagers he used to comment on the next door neighbours who had four kids, who all produced multiple grandchildren that they provided care for every day. It didn't look like much of a retirement tbh. So when DSis and I started our families we both knew that when it came to weekdays we'd be on our own.

They did however also say that they would look after the kids on an ad hoc basis to allow us to go on nights out, short trips, etc. and they have completely stuck to their word. I know if I was in a real bind I could call my DDad and he'd be up to my house as soon as he could to help out. DM also recognises when I need a break and will call to tell me to drop DD off with them for the afternoon, or ask if we'd like her to stay over on a Saturday night. TLDR: full time nursery costs us a fortune but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Hi. This is maybe more complex than first sight. You have a mum well as a dad. They may have different points of view on how much they are happy to tire themselves out and reduce their free time to go places because they love you and love their grand children. So they are happy to help but it is a big deal when a lot of stress is created if they can't. Maybe they could help when you aren't in work so that you get time for chores and appointment or you do stuff together, and they see lots of the kids still. I would ignore the holiday comment, because sometimes people forget that the reason grandparents care for kids is that they grow and change so fast

I think if grandparents have volunteered to have children 1 day per week and then are making it about money they are saving then I sort of feel like that is a bit off

Either have your grand child one day per week and make that a nice day
Or don’t have your gc if you are going to make it about money and favours.

I look forward to when I have gc and can take them for a day out or even staying in and making it a fun day. The fact that Dd or Ds are working and I happen to be saving them money is irrelevant . It is about bonding with your gc.

I'm going to show this thread to my DH. He thinks my parents are dead stingy because they won't cover a day or two a week- literally every one of our friends has parents that provide childcare. However, DM is still working 4 days a week, and there's no way I'd be asking my DDad to look after DD on his own, it wouldn't be much fun for either of them
I am 53 and won’t be providing childcare if I have DGC. I’d love to offer babysitting but am not going to commit a whole day or two to childcare.

Oh it's one of those families. You're supposed to be the independent one, while your brother gets to be babied by your parents. Anything they do for you, even where they've offered it, brings resentment because you're supposed to be the one they don't have to make any effort for. It's totally unfair but it's unlikely to change as they won't ever acknowledge how unfair they're being.

In practice, it's going to cause you more stress than the cost of childcare would. I'd knock this arrangement on the head, don't expect anything from them going forward, as it will always have strings attached and don't give any headspace to any guilt they might try and foist on you going forward (e.g. we don't get to see the grandchildren as much as the other grandparents/you don't make as much effort to come and see us as other friend's children do/you don't take us to doctors' appointments like other children do, etc, etc.)

It is about bonding with your gc I had lovely bonds with my GP, they never looked after me when my parents worked.

You don't have to. Just don't volunteer and then renege on it.

They are probably finding it harder and more tiring than they expected and are finding excuses to get out of it.

i never said you couldn’t bond with your gp’s if they didn’t look after you.

I suppose I love doing things like going to Legoland, going to the park, soft play etc with small children and I miss that

I can’t get my mind round doing only adult type stuff. But there again I know a lot of people my age and a bit younger and I always think they are a bit too old for me

20 and 30 somethings these days fully expected their parents to do unpaid childcare. Baffles me. Your parents are generally still working or near retirement (or retired). Trust me when you get to 50 the last thing you want is to have that commitment tying you down. I would never dream of asking my parents to have my kids to save on childcare costs. They've done their parenting. It's your turn now.

Grandchildren should be enjoyed for sure. But looking after children full time is no picnic.

Sort out paid childcare. Let your parents be grandparents. Sounds like they wish they could take/pay for a holiday but instead they've being used as free childcare? (maybe that was what the dig was about?)

This is exactly what my parents are like and why I can't take them up on any offers of help.

The offers will be made freely but if taken up there is always some underlying resentment/record keeping/feeling that they are then owed control or authority over our lives.

People don't understand why I don't ask them for occasional help when they're available and appear willing, but it's just not worth it.

I would pay for the extra days nursery. I do think your your father is way out of line with his comments about holidays and the unequal treatment of your brother.

Maybe your parents are just fed up with being tied to this arrangement.

I have friends in their 60s who are grandparents. They are happy to do the odd day of childminding, when essential, but none of them want to commit to the same day each week.

It's a big commitment when you are retired.

They are clearly very well off with an annual pension of around £50K a year ( £4K a month) so maybe they would like to be enjoying themselves and not be tied to this arrangement.

I don't understand the situation with your brother.
Can't he afford to move out and rent/buy?
Why is your retired father picking him up from the station every day?
I know it will save money, but your brother must be in his 30s and need a push to leave home.

I think as well that perhaps that some men didn't really have a hands on relationship with their own kids were little so it is a real shock to be doing that with your grandchildren. My dad was great when he looked after mine as he was a hands on dad and was also very relaxed about things. I feel very lucky that my children were able to spend so much time with him when they were small. He passed away two years ago at a relatively young age but my dc have such happy memories of him.

Your parents are donating their time free (at some cost to themselves in energy, health risk) so that you can go to work and pay your household bills.

NOT

so you can spend one day a week at the spa drinking wine and having a massage. Or save up for a holiday for YOU.

No wonder they are cross.

sounds like they don't want to catch anymore nursery child germs to me. don't blame them.

The OP didn't say that though. She has plenty of funds to manage herself.

Hmmm but what if op can afford all bills and has savings and there was never a discussion about doing it in order to save OP money.

Also the op is going on a family holiday with her kids. Not going on spa days and only drinking champagne.

It's weird for a parent to begrudge their kid a holiday.

It simply sounds like op's mum is happy to be doing this and her dad is really not enjoying it so is being an arsehole about it.

Your dad is being very unfair. I would take him to task on it, together with your mum, and say it seems like it is too much them having the baby one day a week, as they don’t seem happy doing it and making you feel guilty wasn’t part of the bargain

I’ve already posted but I think grandparents are more reluctant to help out with childcare these days, and rightly so in my opinion.

Retirement is much later in life now, there’s less time to spend pottering around after your working life is finished. Of course, grandchildren bring joy and fun but it’s less so when you’re obligated. It takes away any opportunity for spontaneity, never being able to just go off camping because the weather is nice or book a holiday when you fancy it, as you always have to take into consideration you look after the GC on Tuesdays.

There’s also the element, I think, that we expect a lot of grandparents but also don’t care for them in the same way that happened generations ago. They might make sacrifices to help you go back to work, but when they become elderly and infirm, would you be in a position to drop to part time work and help care for them for a couple days a week? If the answer to that is no, and for many it would be reasonable to say no, then you can’t expect childcare from them, in my opinion.

With respect, do you discuss the ins and outs of your finances with your parents? I suspect OP has told us more here than she's told her parents. So it's not unreasonable for her parents to be thinking we're saving our daughter X amount of money every week, to the detriment of our health, AND we can't make any plans that day because we have the baby 7-7. And because of our sacrifice she's booked the first holiday abroad we've ever known her take?

It's likely a lot harder than they were expecting. I know it is for my mum who similarly does a day of childcare for my sister.

Your option is be beholding to them or use nursery.....

This really.

I do think some GP are well meaning and then get hit with the reality.

I had to listen to my IL - who never did any childcare - moan about DH uncle and aunt finding two days a week childcare challenging as they'd love to see more of their GC (news to us ) and then next breath complain their friends can't do things with them for certain days as the provide childcare for their kids - and why can't they miss a week - I think there's a lot of woolly thinking around it.

You may also find what ever you do you are in the wrong - so I'd prioritized reliable childcare so work ins't impacted.

Sort out proper paid childcare. Your parents are not obligated to give you free childcare. It sounds like it is causing them stress and you stress.

He has his own house, mortgage free and is rented off but it is cheaper to live rent free at my parents than pay electric/broadband etc. Also it's easier as my mum cooks/cleans for him and my dad picks him up from the station/sorts out his car MOT etc. Why give that up?

Yes he is 30.

Extra planning is required to make sure he's fed etc for my mum on the childcare day which i get.