Childcare- i need perspective

[NatMoz]

When i was pregnant my parents promised childcare help one day a week. When i was young my grandparents looked after me 5 days a week so obviously much less in comparison and i was grateful for the one day a week and sorted nursery accordingly on other days.

My parents caught a flu over Christmas/NY so I've managed to arrange a short notice nursery slot on their day so i had childcare cover. Very stressful!

They are due to come tomorrow and my dad has now said if he catches another bug/flu/sickness like the last one they refuse to come for the rest of the winter. He also said he's mad at me for booking a summer holiday as they are there to save us money on childcare so it seems unfair that the money is instead being used to pay for a holiday.

I don't know if I'm in the wrong here or what to think. I didn't realise i wasn't allowed to live while they helped with childcare.

Please give me some perspective. I can see both sides but i'm already on tenderhooks with the nursery sending my baby home due to bugs and having to juggle work between my husband and me and now this!!

@Chimna
I agree with you whole heartedly and all you mums recommending OP put DC in nursery and, May I say it? Bugger dad. He's being very mean hearted. My mum tried telling me what to do with my money. That didn't go down well. Nursery.

I’d be cross too. This is classic bollocks grandparenting.

gifts come with ribbons, not strings attached. His comment about the holiday would have enraged me. Who the fuck does he think he is?!

put your LO in nursery for that day and step back a bit. They don’t get to comment or judge your perfectly legitimate decisions.

I agree with others if you can afford childcare then it will save you a lot of hassle . If they ask why tell them .
ivd had it myself when I was growing up my parents worked the grandparents helped out . I was the eldest sibling I helped out too . I was told that’s what family do .
Oh it was a whole different ball game when I had mine I’d ask for help the odd couple of hours or an evening when I had a big occasion like a wedding . They made it really difficult for me they’d agree then forget then be off with me when the time came to take their grandkids saying like this is really inconvenient I’ve stuff to do . So I’d go off with this guilt but I’d asked in advance and they’d agreed . Also they would also pass comment about finances by saying you both work get childcare . It’s upsetting that you ask for help just the odd hour after school a bit of help in the holidays etc like they did when they brought up their children while working . my inlaws couldn’t be more different it’s a shame they are like that but some don’t want to help and that’s fine but they should either say will help or won’t not help with the comments like they are entitled.

This also sounds a bit like my folks. They thought one day of help meant control. Nursery all the way. Don’t burn your bridges, though, it’s not worth fighting about, just say now he’s raised it you’re also concerned about their health and can’t in good conscience risk them getting ill. He’s basically told you what he’s going to do (stop helping) and the holiday comment is a warning as well, your family life ain’t gonna be your own. We’re still close but I don’t count on them.

Seems a no-brainer to me.

If you can afford to pay for the extra day at nursery just pay it.

Your parents can then see your baby when they want to without the responsibility of it being child care for a whole day.
Maybe you underestimate how hard that can be for people in their late 60s.

Looking at it from the other side, I won't be able to offer childcare (and neither could my parents for me due to the distance.)

I'd love to be able to do that but it's not possible because we live too far away from each other.

What we are going to do is offer a small amount of early inheritance each year to help with childcare costs.

If they are doing the childcare primarily on the premise that it is helping you out financially then I would send the kid to nursery, if you can afford it. Being looked after by grandparents should be about the love and connection between them and the child, and if that is only a secondary consideration then it's not worth the complications.

On the basis that your Dad thinks he can have some level of control over you if he gives a helping hand with his grandchild then I would be using paid childcare.

It also sounds like he doesn't actually enjoy doing this for you either.

That's terrible of your dad judging you on how you are spending your money.
I would personally put your child in childcare full time so you won't have to put up with comments like that.
One thing I would respond would be " I was greatful for your help but I though one day a week was a good opportunity for you to get to know your grandchildren and form a bond. But anyway no need for you to do this any more".

Your parents aren't reliable and are already complaining- I mean what your summer holiday has to do with them looking after child I don't know. They either want to provide childcare or not- if your mum hates getting up and your dad is fed up getting ill I would sort out increasing the nursery hours. As they will likely start cancelling at short notice. It always amazes me that those parents who received free childcare from their parents don't want to offer it to their own DC. Interestingly my sister is a grandparent now and we never got support from grandparents when we were growing up but she supports her own children, takes the grandkids on holiday, regularly babysits over night and helps where she can during the day. I know folks shouldn't feel entitled but then parent shouldn't offer and then retract it

Most grandparents would love to do a days childcare and I know of grandparents who do childcare all week long, so I dont think you are asking too much. They also have absolutely no right to dictate how you spend your money and you would think they would want you to have a nice break from work.

I would really consider ending the childcare arrangement with them. It might be harder financially in the short term, but it sounds like they dont want to do it and are going to let you down. Kids have bugs all the time so if they are not prepared to be around ehat is normal with kids, just end it now and book another day in nursery.

Absolutely this. It looks like you will get tangled up in too much to save this money. It won't be worth it. Nor the effect on family relationships!

My mum used to have an opinion on how I spent my money, my mother in law does the same… Mother in law also insisted on having DC one day a week when I went back to work, then kept asking if I was going to look at booking an extra day in nursery and could I tell her when so she could plan her diary (retired)? I got that extra day as quickly as I could, meant that in-laws went from seeing DC once a week to maybe once a month on a weekend, if that. It’s the only way OP. And when your parents moan that they don’t see your DC enough, you’ll know what to say.

This. Just book the extra day.

"Dad, I completely understand that you and your mum already have your hands full caring for DBro so I've booked DD in for an extra day at nursery. I can't do anything about DBro, but the last thing I want is for you to have two children to look after when you should be enjoying your retirement."

mum not your mum 😁.

Grandparents can be a bit useless sometimes. If you can afford it, I would just pay for your extra childcare and just know that you don't have to answer to them or be made to feel guilty for having a holiday! I think the older generation forget that the world and the cost of living are far greater than it used to be in their time.
We rarely ask grandparents for any help now, because they never really seemed to want to come and interact with grandson. They came to babysit on a day I was working from home and they sat and read newspapers and looked at ipads and didn't take any interest in trying to read to or play with my son. Funny thing is, they give loads of regular childcare to my sister in laws kids. Work days, and just so they can have nights out. We only every ask if its an emergency work thing to cover and we get made to feel guilty for asking!
Do your own thing and take the moral high ground!

You are not being unreasonable at all but if this was me I would not rely on them as they clearly do not wish to do it anymore . Can you maybe find alternative childcare a bit less expensive like a childminder instead of a nursery and that way not be out of pocket more .

They don't want to care for your child. I wouldn't personally want to leave my child with anyone who doesn't want them. Your kid will get a million times more out of being in nursery/childminder. It really is that simple. Whatever your parents 'promised' you're a parent now. It falls on nobody but you to do what's right for your child. You're in a comfortable position it seems. Organise appropriate childcare and enjoy your summer holiday. Life is good x

I literally would just yell them to piss of. This is no help, just adds to your stress

They want you to have it as hard as they did.

It's just easier to put your little one in nursery op, and pay the money.

I can really understand your frustration. It was really unfair being judged for a holiday (I like to think I would not begrudge my children a family holiday if they have children 😁 (youngest is 2!). Everyone saying that you should say they can come over weekends/other days , I think it should be on your terms. Some days you will want time with just you , your dp/dh and your dc. Do not feel you must sacrifice family time for them .

What a weird thing to say about the holidays.
Perhaps they didnt really want to look after your child one day a week but kind of felt they should? And found it too much hard work later on? Its fine for them not to want to do it anymore but the comments are weird, especially if they are said in an angry manner.

Look, it sounds like the reality of minding her for a full day is not what they anticipated and very different to the warm fuzzy feeling when they offered to help beforehand.

Sounds like it's not going to work.

Sort out something else for their day or offer to pay them.

But I don't think it's the money they want, they just don't want a baby all day.

Just because they have your brother doesn't mean they 'should' look after your baby. Even if he wasn't there they still mightn't.

Your Dad could have found a better way to say it, rather than the blamey shite excuses he's coming up with.

Definitely buy an extra day at nursery. Grandparental childcare with strings is absolutely not worth it if you have any other option at all.

I know its sucks but they aren't obligated to provide childcare and they might just be getting older and feel less able to cope or getting sick so often and as most of use know exposure to young kids means you do get sick pretty often. I think its time to look at paying for all the childcare you need and then perhaps your parents will take them now and then but it looks like they no longer wish to provide regular childcare.

"Yes but also that they didn't mind because they got to spend time with their granddaughter."

If your own parents said this (especially if they have repeated it to you) then I think you have a point. Otherwise i think a lot of grandparents hear lines like the above and think it is a guilt trip/feel a sense of obligation (which they come to resent, especially if they find looking after children very tiring or they are sacrificing something they wanted to do for themselves in order to look after your child).
If you are paying for an expensive holiday for yourself it probably feels like a bit of a kick in the teeth for them that you are "utilising" them as free childcare.