Childcare- i need perspective

[NatMoz]

When i was pregnant my parents promised childcare help one day a week. When i was young my grandparents looked after me 5 days a week so obviously much less in comparison and i was grateful for the one day a week and sorted nursery accordingly on other days.

My parents caught a flu over Christmas/NY so I've managed to arrange a short notice nursery slot on their day so i had childcare cover. Very stressful!

They are due to come tomorrow and my dad has now said if he catches another bug/flu/sickness like the last one they refuse to come for the rest of the winter. He also said he's mad at me for booking a summer holiday as they are there to save us money on childcare so it seems unfair that the money is instead being used to pay for a holiday.

I don't know if I'm in the wrong here or what to think. I didn't realise i wasn't allowed to live while they helped with childcare.

Please give me some perspective. I can see both sides but i'm already on tenderhooks with the nursery sending my baby home due to bugs and having to juggle work between my husband and me and now this!!

I am biased though as I would hate to retire and then look after young children, even relatives.

I think you're probably right.

Without repeating my earlier post, this is why we spelled out for MIL what providing childcare really meant when she offered. When it dawned on her that it meant commiting to a set day a week (so no last minute day trips, for example) she said 'oh' and never raised the subject again.

I've a feeling that whilst she wanted to help us out, it was more about spending time with DGS, which she wants to on her terms. Entirely understandable!

You father is a dick.

I would definitely book the extra day at nursery, but let them know that you'd love for them to still spend time with your dc if they want one-on-one time. You can arrange a time to drop him off at the weekend for a few hours and you and your dh can have a lunch or go see a film or whatever, but it can be on their terms.

My mum never provided childcare (lives abroad), but when eldest was young and I was doing a course (so income was limited), she did sometimes help out with paying for nursery here and there when money was tight. She then used to point it out quite regularly that we clearly couldn't afford to pay for our own child.

Clearly, long term memory must not have been great because she didn't seem to remember that my grandparents had me 5 days a week 9-6 from when I was 3 months old until I went to school, and then they did the afternoon school run and had me at theirs/fed me dinner until 6. I spent at least 1 whole weekend a month with them as well. And to top it off, my mum 'bought' them a house when she was in her late 20s - as in, she got the mortgage in her name, put down the small deposit, and they paid her 'rent' from their pension - meaning that when they eventually passed 20 some years later, she had a mortgage free house that was hers with very little investment on top of 12 years of free childcare. But you know, I was really grabby for accepting a bit of help with nursery a few times when money was tight (dh and I have otherwise no family help)....but I digress. 🙄

YANBU

I don't think it's unreasonable to have health concerns. If you're catching bugs from grandchild more than you anticipated it's a fair worry.
It sounds like the GPs did think they were doing childcare to help out financially. I don't think they'd have agreed tosuch a rigid arrangement otherwise. Sounds like a miscommunication but the solution's clear.

You are not being unreasonable.
I could’ve written this myself. My parents were adamant they wanted to do 3 days a week for us (they offered, we didn’t ask). They were insistent.
then the pandemic hit and once things started to return to normal, they withdrew the offer.
it has devastated us financially but it has meant that we are not beholden to anyone elses goodwill or change of heart.

I would 100% utilise nursery as much as you can if you can afford to. Yes, the illness thing is a pain but you do manage.

I think when family embers are providing childcare for free you need to 1. agree the terms and conditions and arrangements up front and 2. be prepared to cancel it if things change.

It's not clear you fully agreed how and why this would work up front, but even if you did, your parents are obviously concerned and unhappy so it needs to be changed. I'd cancel it as a set arrangement and put your DC in nursery. If your parents want to come and take them instead of them going to nursery sometimes - great, that works for everyone but you still have reliable and consistent childcare.

My parents aren't able to offer childcare but when they are nearby, they're happy to be on standby for emergencies, but not as a proper full time arrangement.

I think they were obv in a position with your own GDP that they were willing and able to care for you a lot.They were lucky ,but sadly under no obligation to do the same.I would think about FT Nursery at the moment .One day a week is not really worth the hassle TBH. Your DF is being judgy about your holidays .This seems unfair .I do think he has a point about Flu and so on .Small children catch lots of bugs and older people can be at risk.Maybe see if they will babysit instead at WE/Evenings?

I can see both sides. They have now a massive commitment to look after your children.

He's just lashing out about the holiday. Sounds to me like it's too much for them if you can afford the nursery then do that

I find these comments so strange.

I agree that an extra day of nursery must be the solution but these things are rarely simple or transactional. One GP may desperately want it, they may be hurt if op makes other arrangements. They may want to say they do childcare, lots of GPs do, but the practicalities are harder.

I guess OP is mostly trying to navigate advice about how to approach the whole thing.

Does he expect you to just be available?

He can't just turn up and expect you to be free.

They're 100% entitled not to do childcare but they can't treat you like a convenience. Don't be available unless you really want to see them.

Honestly I can't believe how judgy some people parents are. Are you not supposed to have any kind of a life?
My parents would never have provided any kind of childcare under any circumstances even if they lived near me. I remember once years ago me and DS were hanging on by the tips of our fingers trying to make enough money to just survive and not lose our home. I couldn't even afford clothes for myself from a charity shop. I literally just had what I stood up in and luckily a work uniform.
I asked my mother if I could borrow an outfit for an interview for a better paid job as we weren't managing and she was furious.
She has hundreds of outfits some never worn and she took back the key to her house in case I decided to take one without asking. I'd never have done that.
I borrowed an outfit from a friend and got the job.
We don't have any contact now.

If you’ve only ever had cheap holidays and they’re helping with childcare, they probably assume you’re struggling and they’re helping you out.
I would do the extra day in nursery.

And to add to that when I was small I was farmed out to relatives every single school holiday so they could go away for a break!!!

OP this is why I use nurseries, child minders and eventually changed my hours so DH was home the hours I worked. In my experience childcare from family often comes with family either believing they now have a say in your finances, life or relationships or alternatively trying to take a lot of control over the child long term (worst cases I gave seen involve parents being undermined or vital information withheld). I have seen it and been through it with dc1. If you can afford to pay childcare go for it. It will only get worse not better so set your boundaries now.

We are gradually phasing out grandparent childcare. They used to have DC1 three days per week. When I went back from maternity leave after DC2 it went down to both on one day. DC1 (likely autistic) couldn’t cope with their lack of structure so he goes to nursery and they have DC2 one day per week. Once DC1 goes to school, we’ll knock it on the head entirely. Being beholden to them is a pain in the arse, and they always huff and puff like we’ve massively inconvenienced them (despite offering to do it). Plus they seem to pick up the kids various viruses constantly. I’d rather we all just visited on weekends and no one felt obliged. If you can avoid it I probably would tbh.

sounds like it will be simpler to stick to paid childcare. As pp have pointed out, it may 'only' be 1 day a week but when that's every week, it is a big commitment, and illnesses to do longer to get over at that age. It would be better if they were clear about their terms or if they want to stop the childcare - but as it is, they don't sound reliable so best to stick to nursery for now.

You have a get out too - say you agree and don't want them getting sick all the time (as your Dad mentioned) and put her into nursery.

I wouldn't share any finance decisions with them as being too judgemental. Holidays you can't really hide - but I wouldn't discuss any finances to do with that either.

They can see LO at weekend or weekday if your available.

It's not your business how much money your parents have or how they choose to spend it. It's irrelevant to their decision (which they're perfectly permitted to make) that they don't want to risk illness when caring for your child. It's irrelevant what their arrangements were when you were a child.

It's also not their responsibility to do your childcare or your entitlement to it (and nor is it their entitlement to question how you spend your money). So although it might be frustrating that they've seemingly gone back on a commitment, it's irrelevant whether you think they're justified.

You just need to take them out of the childcare equation and make your own arrangements I'm afraid.

I don’t blame him. My kids don’t see their grandparents when they are sick. I don’t want to make my mum and dad ill. I think you should put her in nursery for the extra day

I feel for you OP, this sort of thing is why I gave up on regular grandparental day care. I was very grateful but it became a strain on the relationship which wasn't worth it. Personally I'd rather pay for childcare and be able to choose what suits me rather than have it complicate personal relationships or be relying on what someone else feels they can manage! It's not worth the stress of worrying whether it's reliable or have it affecting your relationship with your parents/ in laws in my view. My children still have lovely relationship with all their grandparents and they still babysit sometimes, but their regular childcare is something we now keep separate.

It sounds like they offered and you accepted in good faith all round but it clearly isn't working. Perhaps they underestimated the energy they'd need, perhaps they resent the limitations on their time, perhaps they are anxious about becoming unwell (this winter has been one of the worst I can remember for the prevalence and severity of bugs).

You need to end the arrangement now and put your child into paid daycare before it does irreparable damage to your relationship with your parents.

It is more of a commitment than your parents realized. It doesn’t matter that they are doing less than a previous generation. The current arrangement doesn’t work for them.

put your child in nursery and tell your parents it would be much more helpful to have them be people you can call in a childcare emergency. That doesn’t mean they must always be on standby, just that they can be your first choice backup.

YANBU. If they've offered childcare that's up to them. I can see where they are coming from on the illnesses but surely they are aware kids get colds.....a lot!

They have no say in what you do with your money.

I used to get family help with childcare and still do in holidays. My family help so I'm spending all my money on childcare and can still afford things like holidays and days out.

I would look to pay extra childcare here and not use them to save the hassle.