To be annoyed she's selling on hand me downs?

[Terribleactor]

Asking to settle an argument with DH!

My SIL (BIL's wife) has a baby a few months younger than mine. They are the same sex so I have passed on quite a few bits to her over the past year, when my DC has grown out of them. I have recently discovered that she has been selling these things on various selling sites. I didn't give them to her expecting them back but I feel put out that she's profiting from the things I have given her! I could have sold them myself I suppose, but chose to give them to her.

My DH thinks I'm BU as I have given them away and so they are no longer mine. Is he right or am I ?!

Oh please! Helping you out massively or simply dumping the old clothes they have no use for anymore? Pay it forward with 3rd hand clothes, you're not some kind of saint.
What is wrong with people?

Ex-SIL used to do this with all the clothes I passed on to her. As others have said, once gifted on, it's theirs to do with as they see fit. However would prefer it that she doesn't go around telling all and sundry that we never did anything for her. Her memory is certainly lacking in that department!
What I did object to though, was being asked to give her my children's cot bed and changing table that had been very expensive and I was the sort of thing I would have liked to pass on to my own kids. Was not impressed when she sold that without checking if I'd like it back. Also sold all the expensive toys we had ever bought for the DN's and made them use any money made for redecorating their bedrooms 🙄

Why didn't you tell her you were only lending them?

This happened with a lot of my baby things, and it irked me.

I'd be much happier with someone passing things on that I'd given them or putting them in a charity shop. I don't know why someone selling things I'd given them bothered me, it just seemed cynical and ungrateful. I'd hoped they'd appreciate the gesture and pass it on.

Personally I think it’s awful. If someone thinks highly enough of you to want to help you out massively by giving you lots of clothing for the kids, very least you can do is pay it forward. (If not keeping them for a younger sibling)

I don’t think it is always someone thinking highly of someone. Ime, I would say usually someone simply wanting to clear their clutter and sometimes too lazy to take to the charity shops themselves so run through their mind what person they know has had a baby or is pregnant.

Well that's been an interesting read! I might keep the answers that agree with DH to myself 🤣.
Just in case anyone was interested, here is a little more information-
No I did not ask for them back. I am aware that they are now hers.
She didn't tell me she was selling them but she also didn't go out of her way to hide it from me, I happened upon her advertising something on Facebook marketplace.
She doesn't need the money any more than anyone else- our families are close enough for me to be aware if she was struggling I would think.
And I am definitely not going to call her out on it for fear of looking like a loon!

If she had given them away or donated them to charity I wouldn't be bothered, it's the selling that doesn't sit well with me.

If you're done with gifted baby clothes, is it more acceptable to put them on the dog's bed or rip them up for cleaning rags?

Well, yes, I’d say this also happens.
After having only girls, I fell pregnant with a boy. A friend gave us massive bags of stuff. Very gratefully received even though some of it had already been passed on to them, and some was obviously a bit of just “clearing out the clutter”
Saved us money, all the same. Some beautiful outfits. Anything I didn’t want (ended up with too much stuff) I passsd along to a local charity who work with people who literally have nothing.

Then you should have told her up front that there were conditions attached to the gift, and that you had an interest in what she did with them when she was done with them.

This happened to me. Gave sil an absolute load of baby stuff. Clothes, toys, even a buggy. To find that she was then selling it on.

I know that technically she was doing nothing wrong but it irked me. It feels really grabby.

Not worth getting worked up over but I decided not to bother giving her anything else.

She can do what she wants but that's is pretty cheap of her. She should have given them to someone else

Same here.

I understand you 1000%.

I think it's just the principle in it,

There's a woman I know really well and when she was pregnant, she was posting all over her own profile & in Facebook groups stating how she was in desperate need of XYZ for her baby,

I gave her all sorts, clothes, muslins, a bouncer, those little milestone cards, a Moses basket with the mattress sheets, absolutely all sorts because she'd explained she was struggling and needed certain stuff before baby arrived.

• 2 weeks later she was selling the stuff I'd given her on Facebook, and then a few weeks after that was asking again for the same things saying she was in desperate need!

She did it to a few other mums from our town too, nobody said anything (we didn't want the drama lol) - but we refuse to give her anything now.

My town also has this Facebook group where people trade or gift each other stuff for babies/kids, just to help each other out! A lot of times there's something one of us may need that another person has, and we may have something that they need, etc - I adore it and the sentiment of it is great, and when people are done using whatever it is, they put it back up on the group to help the next person!
This woman is in the group and is always the first person to ask for something but never puts anything on there herself, but has now been caught out so many times in selling things instead.

I fully understand the concept that once you give something away, it's no longer yours to keep tabs on blah blah,
But I think with there being so many people in need sometimes it's just shitty for people to sell things they've been given.

Why? If you give something to someone it’s up to you to say if you want it back or not.
If I give anything away I don’t ever expect it back and I would assume when given something that the person doesn’t want the items back unless they said otherwise.

Think highly? The op didn't couldn't be arsed to sell the used stuff she didn't want so she gave it to someone else. Items that people no longer need or want often become classed as junk but gets shoved in the loft or garage if it's not given away.

The stuff I received (didn’t ask for nor wanted, DH just accepted it because it was family), I rather they had put it in clothing recycling because I would have never given anyone baby clothes in such a state that I received. I spent hours, going through it and 90% ended up in clothing recycling, and 8% to charity, 1% I sold and put it in son’s savings accounts, and maybe a handful that was acceptable and they still didn’t end up wearing them because of their body shape. The time I spent for those few items was not worth it and I still cringe about it. DH knows not to accept anymore clothes without consulting me because I do not want to go through that again. I rather buy second-hand from Vinted or EBay than take the chance.

Strange outlook. I have a house full of stuff that we don’t necessarily “need”. It’s certainly not junk.

YANBU. Everyone always says on here that the things are now hers to sell, and they are, but to profit off hand-me-downs is weird unless you really need the money. Any hand-me-downs I have had have either been handed on again or charity. I wouldn't hand over any more things, I'd either sell them, charity or hand them to someone else but I'm a petty cow.

I was handed down a piece of play equipment and when we had finished with it I just offered it back. She didn't want it but we agreed I'd sell it and give the proceeds to a local charity. Neither of us needed the money but it seemed like the best way to get rid of it.

I bet you and the posters backing you up are all the type of people who think you would have the right to tell a beggar you give money to how they should spend that money!🙄

Call me heartless, but I do think it makes a difference what somebody's intentions are for a gift as to whether or not you give them a gift in the first place. If I gave money to a beggar and they spent it on a sandwich, McDonald's, bacon butty, pizza, cup of coffee, whatever, I wouldn't have any issue in the least; but if I realised/discovered that they'd spent it on drugs or similar, I won't lie and claim that I'd look on with a smile and a warm fuzzy feeling.

It's not just gifts, but favours too: I would view somebody needing a lift to hospital far more kindly than somebody who asked me for a lift somewhere that I wasn't going and it turned out they just wanted to avoid paying for the petrol or parking themselves.

YABU There used to be an old saying "once you give you don't get back" (unless you'd stated that clearly).

I think it's cheeky. A nicer thing to do would be to pass them onto someone else. There's loads of freebie Facebook groups

It's so funny how people have different definitions of rude, you can't win!

I think it probably comes down to how you see no-longer-needed items.

If you see them as valuable, then of course it's a gift to pass them on to somebody and I can see how people may feel the value should be retained either by passing forward as a gift or offering back.

If you see them as clutter/junk, then it's a favour to the giver for the recipient to take them away, and you certainly wouldn't want them back again afterwards! In fact I've seen threads where people are annoyed at having things "dumped on them". TBH, I definitely would have assumed this about a cot and changing table - these are bulky, annoying items to store and fashions/safety standards change. I wouldn't want to use a 30 year old cot and changing table for my children so it wouldn't occur to me that somebody would want to put it away for their children.

I think it's universally rude to ask for something for free and then immediately sell it without even using it, unless you disclose that you are doing that (e.g. charity shop model).

But if somebody has given you something without saying whether it's valuable/clutter to them, then I don't think it's necessarily intended as a grabby thing, if the recipient has thought oh, giving-person doesn't need/want these any more, it's doing them a favour to get rid of them.

Also I have found it can end up being a hassle if somebody tells me "You can have this but it has to be passed on within (certain group)" - what happened then was that COVID happened so no new people joined the group and nobody had any babies. I was stuck with this stuff for ages until eventually I just donated it. Likewise my aunt passed Brio train tracks down to my dad for his second set of kids and he then passed them to me for DS1, but with the idea that they will be passed back within the family, so one of my siblings or cousins in case he has children. But we have since moved country, had 2 more children, the train set has been added to so much it's unrecognisable. It's nice that it's been through so many children but honestly we could have just bought new and I'm wondering if it's going to end up being a huge hassle to try and ship it back to the UK when DS2 and 3 grow out of it!

And I have found it difficult to refuse things if they are not my taste.

Some people show a whole load of stuff and then I say oh yes please I'll have X, Y, Z. Other people say "Your baby would look lovely in this!!" and it's not my taste at all, but if I've said so they seem upset. It can be easier to just lie and say "Oh yes I totally agree, thank you!"