To be annoyed she's selling on hand me downs?

[Terribleactor]

Asking to settle an argument with DH!

My SIL (BIL's wife) has a baby a few months younger than mine. They are the same sex so I have passed on quite a few bits to her over the past year, when my DC has grown out of them. I have recently discovered that she has been selling these things on various selling sites. I didn't give them to her expecting them back but I feel put out that she's profiting from the things I have given her! I could have sold them myself I suppose, but chose to give them to her.

My DH thinks I'm BU as I have given them away and so they are no longer mine. Is he right or am I ?!

Well she’s shot herself in the foot really, as I imagine you will no longer be passing the clothes on to her.

Given that she is a close family member, I would have expected her to check that you didn’t mind first.

This. The hassle of selling things is enough for me not to care. I see enough people complaining on the local Facebook chat about selling items and people not showing up (even for free items), somehow not having money when they show up, trying to haggle, etc.

You gave them to her. If you don't want them to become her property to do with as she wants, don't give her stuff.

I had this with a few family members.

I could’ve sold them but as they were claiming poverty, I gave them to them.

after they used them, they sold them on.

never gave them anything again and if they want it, I sold it to them.

This is how I feel too.

we were given various hand me downs for both our children. The only things we handed back were things that were likely to hold sentimental value (eg a dress that SIL gave us for our dd which she had held on to for 6 years since her youngest was born, baby shawls that were hand-me-down items from previous generation) or high value items eg furniture, prep machine, etc.

Clothing - yes we got hand me downs, but our son moved from preemie up to 3-6 months clothes within 3 months, so it was absolutely impossible to keep track of who gave us what.

I did sell all his clothes on, but barely made any money on it to be honest. I figure people buying things online are probably in need of cheap clothes themselves, and maybe don’t have family/friends to pass thing a onto them. When I say really cheap, I sold my stuff at roughly 20p per item for sleepsuits etc., which IMO is basically passing it on (bundles of stuff via vinted)

I didn’t know anyone who was pregnant and I don’t have the space to hold onto stuff indefinitely - most of our friends are now “done” with babies too.

With our first baby, a friend passed on useful hand me downs, and said upfront that she didn’t want them back, but that that the etiquette was to pass on for free what you’ve received for free if still in good enough condition. So that’s what we did, adding some extra items we had bought to the collection that went to another family.

Whilst your DH is technically correct, many of us recognise that a spirit of generosity or paying it forward is what society needs. SIL’s attitude feels mean spirited, but to be generous, maybe they are struggling financially?

No problems imo. It is hard to sell most baby stuff and you need to be very selective about what you take to charity shops. Most won't take buggies cots car seats etc

I'd be annoyed too. Yes, as your DH says once given they were hers to do what she wanted with (unless you said you'd like them back), but its very cheeky. In my day baby hand me downs got passed round from person to person round the village.

I think now you know stop giving her things new or old. Especially if it is every item given maybe she doesn't have the same taste.

I had a similar situ my SIL was given me her unwanted gifts and things I told her I don't like / hate. She keeps doing it. So I do sell or regift to those I know who will enjoy the items.
E.g for my LO and myself I don't wear or dress LO in clothing that ia obnoxious (ahe knows this) big Disney characters and marvel etc etc. She keeps giving me said items for me and the LO so I just re gift or Sell.

If she's selling them after her baby has grown out of them then I don't see the problem. It's better than throwing them away.
If she's selling the sizes her baby hasn't worn yet, then it's a bit annoying. She shouldn't just accept stuff to sell.

I understand that it feels off, and maybe they were being CF, but if they were genuinely struggling to afford the basics, I would probably just let it go.

If her DC has now outgrown them, what would you rather she do with them? Maybe she’s strapped for cash. You gave them to her so it’s up to her. I’ve sold Christmas /birthday presents nobody wanted before.

I get why you’re annoyed. We’ve been given loads of hand me downs and I don’t sell them on. It feels morally wrong. Gifts yes, but hand me downs should continue circulating or be given to a charity shop.

It's DH's family and he says it's fine - presumably most of the baby clothes were bought by you as a couple or given to you as a couple, so his "it's fine" is equal to your discomfort.

If you (plural) don't need the money from selling them I'd just continue to give them and ignore what they do once their baby has used them. If you do need the money, work out how much you'd get and offer BIL and SIL first refusal.

As she's a family member it's a bit off ethically - she should have checked if it was ok and then said she'd give you half the profits such as they are. Not much you can do about it other than not give her anything else, or if you do ask her specifically to hand them on again/give them to charity/give them back to you.

I’ve been given a lot of Hand me downs and I always pass them on for free to someone else. If I was going to sell them I would always give the profit back to the person who had originally given them to me. I think your SIL is being very cheeky!

You didn't want them.
You gave them to her.
They're her property to do what she wants.
You don't know what their circumstances are - that money may be a help.
It's really nobody's business what she does with your discards.

Honestly I got given so many hand-me-downs I genuinely wouldn't have known who gave me what, what I bought myself etc etc. I didn't sell anything on but I did donate stuff to charity that could well have been given to me by someone else. If someone said at the time that something was precious and they wanted it back, I of course remembered that, but otherwise I think once you give someone baby clothes, you're accepting that they'll do with them whatever they see fit.

It would annoy me too, even though rationally I know that it’s unfair to be annoyed.

It is cheeky in my opinion. She could at least have asked if you wanted them back once she had finished with them in order to sell them, or to ask if you wanted them donated to charity. I wouldn't pass on anything else to her.

@Terribleactor I understand.
I think one good turn deserves another.
I would be frustrated that she didn’t have the mind to pay the favour forward and give them to another person in need. That said, she might be in need of money and I’d rather they sell them on than bin them.

It's only going to be a couple of quid for used (twice) baby clothes.

Why is it bothering you so much?

I have the same situation. I have been passed things from my sister and I sell most of the kids old stuff. However anything I sell that wasn't mine, I give the money back to my sister. I usually wait until it's a decent amount and just keep a note of it and then say there's £50 or £100 for some of the kids stuff I've sold on that was urs.

She wouldn't expect me to do that and tells me not to bother. However, I wld hate to feel I'm profiting out of her good will though. I say oh just buy the kids some new clothes with it or put towards something. I'm always selling lots of stuff so it's not a huge bother for me to do it.

Some folk think nothing of it though when they get given or borrow things. They treat it as though it belongs to them 🙄 A friend "borrowed" some baby items from me and I've never seen them again. She knows I sell it all on afterwards as I often tell her how much I've made and she's astounded. She can't be bothered selling anything and gives hers away. She sometimes says oh I need to get x back to you but given her youngest is now 2 I can't imagine I'm getting the baby bouncer or other baby items back now! I don't bring it up as it's just awkward. I think she just gave them away to charity without asking me as it was easier for her.

You could always stop giving her them but would you actually sell them on yourself or just give to charity. You could always start saying can you give me them back when your finished incase I have another baby or I want to sell them.

this does seem a bit cheeky. I try and sell on some things Iv bought myself but I’m lucky enough to have been given a lot of hand me downs and I always pass these to the charity shop or to someone who could use them I would feel guilty making money from them

I hate these threads.

What did you give them to her for?

I'm guessing a combination of - to make some space, to save you the bother of selling them/a trip to the charity shop. Which has been achieved whatever she does with them next. If you had donated them to a charity shop, they would have sold them. Would that bother you? Why not that but this does?

Maybe as a nice thing to her, to help her out. Which you could see that you're doing twice - helping her out with some clothing that she needed, and now she's able to get some money that she may need.

Maybe to see the clothes get used again - but they can't keep being worn forever, presumably they are now outgrown, they won't be worn again by her DC. This is the main reason that I can think of that makes sense to be upset by them being sold - if you'd hoped for them to be passed back or passed onto another family child or mutual friend, so you could see the clothes going on to another "life". But in this case you should have said so, not expected her to magically know that was what you wanted.

Used baby clothes do not have a high value especially once postage/petrol/public transport fees are deducted - the value is on somebody's work in collating them and listing them and documenting any variations in condition. It can sometimes be more hassle/expensive to give things away than to sell for a small fee on a local site or vinted etc.

Also I would find it really tricky and stressful to keep track of who gave me what and what all their various wishes for the clothing was. To me that's a horrible expectation to place on somebody and basically means you're not giving them something in good faith, you're doing it for some kind of selfish reason.

I think you should let it go :)