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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed she's selling on hand me downs?

201 replies

Terribleactor · 16/01/2023 11:39

Asking to settle an argument with DH!

My SIL (BIL's wife) has a baby a few months younger than mine. They are the same sex so I have passed on quite a few bits to her over the past year, when my DC has grown out of them. I have recently discovered that she has been selling these things on various selling sites. I didn't give them to her expecting them back but I feel put out that she's profiting from the things I have given her! I could have sold them myself I suppose, but chose to give them to her.

My DH thinks I'm BU as I have given them away and so they are no longer mine. Is he right or am I ?!

OP posts:
tattygrl · 16/01/2023 13:37

I really think it's a waste of time and energy to get annoyed about this.

Presuming they're no longer needed by her as her little one has grown out of them (as opposed to her selling them immediately/quickly after receiving them from you), I can see no issue at all with her selling them. Why would she offer them back to you? You gave them to her because you no longer needed them (and to be kind).

I don't think I would do it myself - it would feel a bit off to sell things I was given like this. On the other hand, I would potentially sell an unwanted gift, which I guess isn't that much different, ultimately.

On the whole it just seriously doesn't seem bothering about. You gave the items away, they're no longer your concern. Don't waste your time and emotions on this and don't give her any more if it niggles at you.

123woop · 16/01/2023 13:39

I too would be a bit peeved, but you did give them a gift and it's up to her what she does with them once they've been used.
My SIL gave me lots of bits and bobs but said "please pass them on when you're finished with them", either to a family I knew would need them or to charity etc

Elsanore · 16/01/2023 13:39

She's a CF for breaking the unwritten hand-me-down code. Passing on baby and child stuff is a lovely thing to do, saves waste and helps others in the same boat as yourself out. Spoils it if someone breaks the cycle of giving. Unless I suppose someone is really skint and a few quid will make a big difference.

I would find it off.

Maray1967 · 16/01/2023 13:41

mewkins · 16/01/2023 11:43

Yeah it's annoying. She should have checked if you wanted them back and asked what you wanted her to do with them.

Exactly this.
This has been mentioned before so I think we all need to make it clear what we expect people to do with stuff that we give them.
I had hand me down furniture. When I got a few hundred pounds for it on eBay I gave it back to the person who had paid for it in the first place.
I made it clear that my baby gear was to be handed on again to someone in need of returned to me. I know it has gone to two more families which is great.

Justalittlebitduckling · 16/01/2023 13:46

It’s a bit cheeky, I would be annoyed too. And if I were in her position, I would check whether the person who gave me the baby stuff wanted it back before selling it, or wanted to split the money. I would just stop handing stuff on to her and sell it instead if you can be bothered, or let it go if you can’t.

Miala · 16/01/2023 13:46

Elsanore · 16/01/2023 13:39

She's a CF for breaking the unwritten hand-me-down code. Passing on baby and child stuff is a lovely thing to do, saves waste and helps others in the same boat as yourself out. Spoils it if someone breaks the cycle of giving. Unless I suppose someone is really skint and a few quid will make a big difference.

I would find it off.

This. Always pay forward what you've been given for free. I'd usually start by offering them back to the giver too. It takes 1 minute, and quite often people will say they weren't expecting them back but actually they do have another friend who could use them.

CallTheMobWife · 16/01/2023 13:48

I think all those giving out are the same kind of people who give away their unwanted shit on FB but want it to only go to people they see as deserving somehow.
It's both patronising and narcissistic.

WineDup · 16/01/2023 13:50

Miala · 16/01/2023 13:46

This. Always pay forward what you've been given for free. I'd usually start by offering them back to the giver too. It takes 1 minute, and quite often people will say they weren't expecting them back but actually they do have another friend who could use them.

Show quote history

How do you keep track of who gives you what?

1000yellowdaisies · 16/01/2023 13:52

A friend of mine did this and it annoyed me too. You'll get a tonne of people on here saying its no longer yours if you give it away... but basically she's saved money on not having to buy the clothes and she's actively making money on stuff she was given free of charge.
If they were in good enough condition to sell she should have donated to them to someone else free and passed along the charity she received

Glittersparkle76 · 16/01/2023 13:52

It would piss me off too,so not only does she get free clothes and saves money on buying them in the first place,she makes a profit too.I understand what people say when they say you gave them to her so she can do what she likes with them but surely it's common courtesy to ask you if you want them back or can she sell them herself?
She's a cheeky cow and I'd be damned if I'd be giving her any more clothes!!

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 16/01/2023 13:53

Don't sweat the small stuff. This is incredibly small stuff.

jtaeapa · 16/01/2023 13:54

I think that if she sold them after you gave them to her, then she should give you half the money. Morally.

Of course, if you give someone something, you lose any right to it and she is free to sell it on as she chooses. Legally. However, you are then also free not to give her any more clothing. Instead of giving it to her, you could sell it.

Honestly I'd think she was a bit cheeky pocketing all the money and I wouldn't give her any more clothing. She's got free clothes, which she then makes a profit out of. Doesn't really sit right.

CentrifugalBumblePuppy · 16/01/2023 13:54

If I have given clothes to someone when my kid’s have grown out of them (and I did to various cousins), they are then theirs & they can do what they like with them.

Some of my kid’s clothing was passed on for free to others, some was sold… and fair play to them.

I’m lucky in that I have had the ability to give away rather than sell clothing, other’s don’t have that opportunity. As long as stuff isn’t just binned straight into landfill if it’s still wearable, I’m happy.

ReneBumsWombats · 16/01/2023 13:54

Glittersparkle76 · 16/01/2023 13:52

It would piss me off too,so not only does she get free clothes and saves money on buying them in the first place,she makes a profit too.I understand what people say when they say you gave them to her so she can do what she likes with them but surely it's common courtesy to ask you if you want them back or can she sell them herself?
She's a cheeky cow and I'd be damned if I'd be giving her any more clothes!!

You're acting as if it's a zero sum game that somehow costs the OP something. How has OP lost out?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 16/01/2023 13:56

I once gave a family member something my child had our grown then saw them up for sale too. It made me a bit annoyed I have to admit.

It's not just the giver that these people are doing over, it's also their own children. It may be that the odd thing doesn't look right or the child just doesn't take to it; but I get the distinct impression for a lot of them that the child is nothing more than an excuse to be given free goods to sell on and the child probably doesn't even get a look-in.

caringcarer · 16/01/2023 13:58

Once I have given something away I couldn't care less what they do with items. If there is a specific item I would like back I state so when lending them. My favourite uncle bought my DD a musical mobile. He died. I let my sister borrow it for her DD but told her I would like it back for second child just because it was from my favourite uncle and he was no longer around to buy second child a gift. I give most outgrown good quality children's clothing to the Salvation Army anyway.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 16/01/2023 14:00

Don't sweat the small stuff. This is incredibly small stuff.

So is most of MN, tbf. It attracted your attention, and mine; and we both took the trouble to engage!

misslonglegs · 16/01/2023 14:01

This is why I’ve never taken any second hand stuff from in laws I’m not very close to. I mean who has time to be annoyed about that and to be monitoring what she does with items she now owns.

SillySausage81 · 16/01/2023 14:03

It is a tad cheeky, but not enough so to kick up a fuss or let it affect your relationship with her IMO.

midsomermurderess · 16/01/2023 14:05

You made a gift or them to her and she’s free now to do what she wants with them.

KillingLoneliness · 16/01/2023 14:10

YABU, once given away you cannot dictate what someone else does with the items, they can keep them, thrown them or sell them.

GasPanic · 16/01/2023 14:11

Once you give something to someone it's theirs to do with as they wish.

What did you imagine was going to happen with them ?

Now if I received stuff and sold it on, I would probably check with the person who gave it to me, and maybe split the money as the diplomatic thing to do.

But I don't think that is an obligation.

Maybe next time you should say "can I please have them back after you have finished with them".

Or agree what it going to happen after they are used - because it's clear clothes like this are going to end up outgrown pretty rapidly.

LonginesPrime · 16/01/2023 14:14

It's a huge hassle to sell stuff - no-one sells stuff instead of donating it just for the fun of it.

She obviously needs the money and it's her stuff to sell so YABU.

unclebuck · 16/01/2023 14:17

Elsanore · 16/01/2023 13:39

She's a CF for breaking the unwritten hand-me-down code. Passing on baby and child stuff is a lovely thing to do, saves waste and helps others in the same boat as yourself out. Spoils it if someone breaks the cycle of giving. Unless I suppose someone is really skint and a few quid will make a big difference.

I would find it off.

This. No more hand me downs for her.

PollyPut · 16/01/2023 14:20

Terribleactor · 16/01/2023 11:39

Asking to settle an argument with DH!

My SIL (BIL's wife) has a baby a few months younger than mine. They are the same sex so I have passed on quite a few bits to her over the past year, when my DC has grown out of them. I have recently discovered that she has been selling these things on various selling sites. I didn't give them to her expecting them back but I feel put out that she's profiting from the things I have given her! I could have sold them myself I suppose, but chose to give them to her.

My DH thinks I'm BU as I have given them away and so they are no longer mine. Is he right or am I ?!

@Terribleactor it rather depends on whether you think that either you or SIL will have any more children. If so, then you should be asking for them back in future (or not lending/giving them to her). If not, then she has to do something with them

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