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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed she's selling on hand me downs?

201 replies

Terribleactor · 16/01/2023 11:39

Asking to settle an argument with DH!

My SIL (BIL's wife) has a baby a few months younger than mine. They are the same sex so I have passed on quite a few bits to her over the past year, when my DC has grown out of them. I have recently discovered that she has been selling these things on various selling sites. I didn't give them to her expecting them back but I feel put out that she's profiting from the things I have given her! I could have sold them myself I suppose, but chose to give them to her.

My DH thinks I'm BU as I have given them away and so they are no longer mine. Is he right or am I ?!

OP posts:
MilkyYay · 16/01/2023 12:41

Maybe, just maybe, she wouldn't have managed?Or maybe she is selling the clothes to help pay a cc bill, or to be able to afford to run the heating or whatever?

I reckon OP would know if they were hard up and would take that into account. I suspect they aren't.

I know loads of people with plenty of money (serious big earners etc) who are like this, they just sell everything that passes through their hands and never ever give anything away. Not a trait i like.

EasterIsland · 16/01/2023 12:42

YANBU, although I expect a lot of PPs will say "Well, you gave them to her."

It's grabby and cheap behaviour. I wouldn't want people to think of me as mean & greedy.

gamerchick · 16/01/2023 12:42

I know technically it's ok because they're a gift but it is cheeky to sell something you've been gifted. Especially baby gear which can be given back for the next lot of babies.

Reality is as it's technically ok, it's also ok not to give her fuck all else. Tell her you have shit for sale if she wants anything.

CecilyP · 16/01/2023 12:42

SpookyBlackCat · 16/01/2023 11:45

I doubt she’s getting a lot of money for them. I think it’s fine. I wouldn’t do it myself but surely she did you a favor taking the stuff off your hands.

Exactly, if she’s prepared to take the hassle of selling online, I don’t see the problem. It makes no difference to you if she sells them, gives to a friend or donates to a charity shop. No point in hanging on and sticking them in the loft. If you’re planning more children and want them back, you should have said. You obviously had a lot of stuff if it’s gone through 2 babies and still good enough to sell. The problem should resolve itself when children get older as they wear things for longer so are more likely to be worn out!

Emmamoo89 · 16/01/2023 12:43

YANBU

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 16/01/2023 12:44

I'm a bit surprised by people who seem to see gift giving as a binary option: give it and then more fool you or don't give at all.

Just theoretically, how would people feel if they gave money to a 'feed starving kittens at Christmas' charity appeal and then found that they had a sister charity dedicated to keeping Jeremy Clarkson's Range Rover full to the brim with diesel, which for some reason didn't get a lot of donations, so they had redirected your money there?!

Do people really believe that nobody should ever give anything and even expect to express a desire as to how the gift might be used?

CecilyP · 16/01/2023 12:44

I know technically it's ok because they're a gift but it is cheeky to sell something you've been gifted. Especially baby gear which can be given back for the next lot of babies.

Perhaps she assumed that there wouldn’t be a next lot of babies, so sold them to someone who actually has a baby.

Glorianna · 16/01/2023 12:45

YANBU, she should offer them back to you in case you want more kids or want to lend them to someone else.

Will you stop giving her things now? I would.

mousehousehiest · 16/01/2023 12:45

if she sold size 9-12 month clothes while her baby was still 6 months, so she definitely didn't use them and only accepted to sell them, then I'd be annoyed. But if she sold them after her child wore them I'd be happy that they'll be passed on again.

but if she's usually cheeky I'd be pissed off either way

Usernumber63636363 · 16/01/2023 12:47

I accidentally clicked YABU but I meant to click YANBU.

I would be annoyed too. I would be more than happy if she was passing them on again to someone who needs them but selling them would have been a step over the line for me.

CecilyP · 16/01/2023 12:48

Do people really believe that nobody should ever give anything and even expect to express a desire as to how the gift might be used?

Presumably, they were given for SIL’s baby to wear which has already happened so they are now redundant. They are now being worn by a stranger’s baby - maybe someone who couldn’t afford new clothes.

CallTheMobWife · 16/01/2023 12:48

What an awful load of waffle. No its not morally off, its not cheeky, its not rude.

Cheeky fuckery is thinking you can control what people do with their own stuff, because you gave it to them. Cheeky is bitching and moaning about them to others because they disposed of their property any way they choose.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 16/01/2023 12:49

Legally your husband is correct but morally it's a bit of a grey area.

She has already benefited from not having to buy them in the first place. Now she is actually profiting from them.

In that position I've always told the person what I was planning and checked if ok and offered them the money

Octopusmittens · 16/01/2023 12:49

wowwhydoesmybackhurtwaaah · 16/01/2023 11:40

You could have sold them but didn't. You gave them to her. They are now hers and she can give them away, sell them or set fire to them. It's not your business what she does and you are being ridiculous.

Stop being so sanctimonious.

WisherWood · 16/01/2023 12:49

IMO, morally-speaking, she should pass them on, offer them back or, at the least, sell them and go halves with you on the profits - although that's still not really fair, as you paid 100% to buy them initially.

It's an almighty faff selling things online and really not worth it unless you can get at least a tenner for the stuff. There's photographing it, advertising it, dealing with random and sometimes obnoxious requests, meeting people or posting the stuff. It's worth it if you can keep what you make, not if you're having to split it.

I can see both sides. OTOH it's annoying to do a good deed and feel you're being taken advantage of. OTOH once you've given it away, it is hers to do what she wants with it. So on the whole, I'd just shrug and move on. It really isn't like giving money to a kitten charity and then finding it's going to Jeremy Clarkson. There are laws governing what a charity can do, for a start.

Growyourowncrumpets · 16/01/2023 12:49

Maybe she didn’t want them and it was awkward to say, would it be better she gave them to a charity shop.

2bazookas · 16/01/2023 12:50

Better that used clothes are recycled and re-used as many times as possible, rather than tossed in landfill.

MavisMcMinty · 16/01/2023 12:50

It’s a bit cheeky, sure, but your thread brings to mind people giving/loaning friends/family money then being annoyed when they spend it on a holiday, or giving a beggar a fiver then being annoyed when they head for the off-licence instead of the whole-food shop.

Don’t give gifts if you disapprove of what people do with them. Sell the outgrown clothes yourself next time.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 16/01/2023 12:50

JanuaryBlues2023 - Why was people's response to a well-off family saying that their child didn't have enough clothes to give them clothes? Wouldn't you normally react by saying "Well, buy her what she needs, then"?

If somebody's child is going without basics when the family is financially stable, that's a clear sign of neglect, not need. If anything, a quick call to SS might have been a better response than giving them what they hadn't bothered buying for their child themselves - if they're (openly) neglecting her in that way, who knows where else they might be not providing her with what she needs?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 16/01/2023 12:51

Better that used clothes are recycled and re-used as many times as possible, rather than tossed in landfill.

That's still perfectly possible without money changing hands.

CallTheMobWife · 16/01/2023 12:53

Octopusmittens · 16/01/2023 12:49

Stop being so sanctimonious.

Show quote history

What is sanctimonious about that? It's just a normal response. You don't give people things and then think you can control what they do with them. It's fucking weird, if nothing else.

OnTheRoll · 16/01/2023 12:53

I felt a bit precious about some of clothes of my two and knew that I couldn't sell them to strangers - but would be happy for a family member to have. It would hurt me to know that they were sold on to someone unknown. Maybe it's irrational to feel this way.

Thesearmsofmine · 16/01/2023 12:57

I get it’s a bit annoying but I wouldn’t get wound up about it. When my dc were born I was given loads of hand me downs from various people as we had a lot of babies born within a few months of each other in the family and there was no way I could keep track of who gave me what item.

Skyeheather · 16/01/2023 12:58

Yes I would be annoyed but I would assume she doesn't like or need them and not give her anymore.

Mari9999 · 16/01/2023 12:58

If you specified that you were loaning those items to her , then she would be doing something wrong by selling them.

If you were gifting her with the hand me downs, it is up to her to dispose of them as she chooses to do.

If you had some sentimental attachment to the items , you should not have given them to her.

A gift once given becomes the recipients to do what they will with the item. She is selling some third hand baby clothes, maybe her family needs the money. If that is the case, you have in a sense gifted them not once but twice.