Page 2 | To be annoyed she's selling on hand me downs?

Terribleactor · 2023-01-16T11:39:20+00:00

Asking to settle an argument with DH! My SIL (BIL's wife) has a baby a few months younger than mine. They are the same sex so I have passed on quite a few bits to her over the past year, when my DC has grown out of them. I have recently discovered that she has been selling these things on various selling sites. I didn't give them to her expecting them back but I feel put out that she's profiting from the things I have given her! I could have sold them myself I suppose, but chose to give them to her. My DH thinks I'm BU as I have given them away and so they are no longer mine. Is he right or am I ?!

Desmondthedragon · 16/01/2023 11:57

In the current climate I think my automatic reaction wouldn’t be ‘she’s a cf’ but would in fact be ‘she must be struggling financially’

BliainNua · 16/01/2023 11:57

I agree with PPs that they're no longer your clothes so she's free to sell them on. However, it isn't something I'd do it I was given them for free. If you don't want her to do that you could ask her to pass them back when she's done as you want to use them for your next child. Then either keep them for that, or sell them yourself.

yorkshirepudsx · 16/01/2023 11:58

Frabbits · 16/01/2023 11:52

You can afford to give the clothes away, maybe your SIL can't.

YABU.

Which would make sense if the SIL bought the clothes originally, but she got them for free, so she can afford to give them away, she's not exactly at a loss is she?

monitor1 · 16/01/2023 11:58

Agree - I sell my kids old stuff that I bought but I give away stuff I was given

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 16/01/2023 11:58

If you wanted to sell them, you could’ve (as you say yourself!) but given that you chose to give them to your sister in law with presumably no request to return them when finished with them

I'm presuming that OP didn't choose to pass the items on just because she didn't want/couldn't be bothered to sell them, but because she wanted to help her SIL & BIL.

As for the 'no request to return them', I think most people would be expecting them to be given on to somebody else when they were finished with/outgrown.

That kind of reminds me of the people on FreeCycle and similar platforms who treat it like they're doing you a massive favour taking things off your hands, when it's actually decent stuff that you just thought you'd do a kind deed by passing on free to somebody who needs/wants it and maybe couldn't afford to buy it.

Rachaelrachael · 16/01/2023 11:59

This happened to me and it was a bit annoying especially as I saw them on sale about a week after I gifted them! However on the flip side, I was given sacks of baby clothes from various friends. Way too much stuff for us to possibly use. I honestly couldn't tell you who gave us what and needed to get rid of half of it quickly. Maybe she's in the same situation and can't remember who gifted what?

SeasonFinale · 16/01/2023 12:00

In theory she can do what she wants. In reality you did her a big favour but could have sold them yourself so have in effect lost out on some cash which could have helped you.

Going forward I would say to her I am about to sell some baby clothes/toddler clothes online. Do you want first dibs and let her ow the prices.

SeasonFinale · 16/01/2023 12:01

know not ow

Frabbits · 16/01/2023 12:02

Aleaiactaest · 16/01/2023 11:54

It is off morally speaking. She should have checked with you first.
The lesson for you being to never pass anything on again but sell it yourself or give to someone else. Personally though I can’t be bothered to sell stuff so I happily pass it on, no questions asked.
There are now some good quality second hand clothing sites where you can sell stuff easily directly though but not much return on your initial outlay. So if you would rather help someone you know or family passing on can still be better. Trouble is sometimes people don’t want stuff really and take it reluctantly…

Why is it off, "morally"?

Once you give something away you don't get to attach strings to what someone does with it. What is off is thinking you get to dictate terms on what someone does with their belongings.

If OP can afford to give away unwanted items, that's up to her. Maybe SIL needs the money more than she needs the clothes, so if OP keeps them out of spite that's a pretty shitty thing to do.

Frabbits · 16/01/2023 12:03

yorkshirepudsx · 16/01/2023 11:58

Which would make sense if the SIL bought the clothes originally, but she got them for free, so she can afford to give them away, she's not exactly at a loss is she?

Show quote history

Yes she is.

The clothes now belong to SIL, if she sells them she maybe gets a few pounds to help with paying for heating or whatever.

nokidshere · 16/01/2023 12:04

You gave them away. They are no longer yours and you have no say in what happens to them. Being annoyed about it is just stupid, you didn't want them so what's the problem?

Blossomandbee · 16/01/2023 12:05

If she's used them and finished with them then, although it would be polite to ask if you want them back, I don't see a problem with her selling them on.
If she's just profiteering from them then I would be annoyed.

chipsandpeas · 16/01/2023 12:05

yabu - its annoying, but unless you said you wanted them back and they were just a loan then they are hers to do what she wants
learn from it and dont give anymore stuff to her or tell her you want it back

blebbleb · 16/01/2023 12:06

It's a bit cheeky. My friend did this when I gave her some of my old clothes. I didn't say anything though as it's not a massive deal She's quite tight fisted so it didn't surprise me. Some people are just a bit odd and stingy.

Summersolargirl · 16/01/2023 12:08

You can’t apply retrospective conditions to gifts. Which is what these are.

Poppyblush · 16/01/2023 12:08

I’d find it cheeky and annoying and woukd give away or sell stuff myself or charity shop stuff rather than give to SIL.

Tessasanderson · 16/01/2023 12:13

You have no right to be annoyed. They belong to her the second you gave them to her.

However you have every right to never offer her anything again. Or just tell her that you are selling your stuff in future rather than giving it away. Its your perogative

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 16/01/2023 12:14

Once you give something away you don't get to attach strings to what someone does with it. What is off is thinking you get to dictate terms on what someone does with their belongings.

Out of interest, would you feel the same if she had asked for baby clothes because she 'collects' them, even if she hadn't got a baby herself? How about if she sold the clothes even whilst they would still fit her baby, because she saw pound signs?

It makes a big difference, imo, if you're giving something away to get rid of it as opposed to giving it to somebody whom you're trying to help and do a kindness for, even though you could have benefitted from it yourself.

If you gave a homeless person with a 'Hungry, please help' sign a tenner and told them to get themselves a sandwich/McDonalds/breakfast butty and a hot drink and they dashed immediately into the off licence and bought booze with it, would you not feel a little put out - or would you reconcile it that you gave away the money so it's none of your business?

What if a parent gifts tens of thousands to an adult child who has been stressing about never getting on the housing ladder and they book themselves a 6-month world cruise?

Smartiepants79 · 16/01/2023 12:16

Did you want them back?
Would you have bothered to go through the extra work to sell them??
If the answer is no to either of those things then get over it.
You gave them away. She’s making good use of them so good on her in my opinion.

Minniem2020 · 16/01/2023 12:17

I find it cheeky. I've had hand me downs before and always ask the person if they want them back afterwards. If not then I usually pass them on to someone else, ask the nursery if they need anything for spares or give to charity.

Butchyrestingface · 16/01/2023 12:17

Is she using them at ALL or selling them on the moment you hand them over? Is it possible she doesn't share your taste and rather than offend you by refusing them, or throwing them out, this seems like the path of least resistance?

Unless she were in dire poverty and desperately needed the money, I think I'd be annoyed. Although strictly speaking, as people say, once they belong to her, she can do what she likes with them.

But the solution here is obvious - just stop giving her things.

whatkatydid2013 · 16/01/2023 12:17

If it really bothers you next time you pass something to her just say when you are done with it can you pass back whatever is still useable to me as I've a friend with a younger one that yours who I can pass on to. I don't think that's unreasonable. We have a bit of a pass on cycle among our friends. My eldest's stuff comes from a neighbor then goes to youngest's best friend who is in middle size wise, comes back for youngest and then goes to a couple of neighbors/friends. We have a lovely monsoon party dress bought second hand by my neighbor and passed to us years back that has so far been through 7 kids we know of and is still looking fab. We all know each other so make a point of periodically buying some nice new stuff for the neighbor with the oldest girl though she's now got big enough feet some of the adults have passed on shoes to her. I can understand if that's your approach it feels a bit off for someone to sell but it sounds like SIL has just sold bundles of used clothes and I doubt she's kept track of what came from you vs from elsewhere. Maybe she's passed on other stuff.

Shinyandnew1 · 16/01/2023 12:19

Wouldn’t bother me. Stop giving her stuff and sell it yourself if it bothers you.

MegaClutterSlut · 16/01/2023 12:19

I had a friend do this to me about a week after giving her the items. I could've sold them myself but thought I'd give them to her to help her out a bit. She then had the cheek to ask if I had anything else, to send them her way.

Never gave her anything again

Frabbits · 16/01/2023 12:20

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 16/01/2023 12:14

Once you give something away you don't get to attach strings to what someone does with it. What is off is thinking you get to dictate terms on what someone does with their belongings.

Out of interest, would you feel the same if she had asked for baby clothes because she 'collects' them, even if she hadn't got a baby herself? How about if she sold the clothes even whilst they would still fit her baby, because she saw pound signs?

It makes a big difference, imo, if you're giving something away to get rid of it as opposed to giving it to somebody whom you're trying to help and do a kindness for, even though you could have benefitted from it yourself.

If you gave a homeless person with a 'Hungry, please help' sign a tenner and told them to get themselves a sandwich/McDonalds/breakfast butty and a hot drink and they dashed immediately into the off licence and bought booze with it, would you not feel a little put out - or would you reconcile it that you gave away the money so it's none of your business?

What if a parent gifts tens of thousands to an adult child who has been stressing about never getting on the housing ladder and they book themselves a 6-month world cruise?

Once you gift someone something then it's up to them what they do with it.

Let's face it, usually people dump old baby clothes on their friends because it's easier than taking to the the charity shop or because they feel a bit guilty about the waste, so it's hardly a selfless act. If the person who takes them values the money more than the clothes, then why does it matter to the original owner what they do with them?

Same goes for your homeless person example or your child example. You either give a gift freely or it's not a gift at all.