To be annoyed she's selling on hand me downs?

[Terribleactor]

Asking to settle an argument with DH!

My SIL (BIL's wife) has a baby a few months younger than mine. They are the same sex so I have passed on quite a few bits to her over the past year, when my DC has grown out of them. I have recently discovered that she has been selling these things on various selling sites. I didn't give them to her expecting them back but I feel put out that she's profiting from the things I have given her! I could have sold them myself I suppose, but chose to give them to her.

My DH thinks I'm BU as I have given them away and so they are no longer mine. Is he right or am I ?!

I understand how you feel. I passed on a lot of things to my friend for her baby (she asked me for it so it wasn’t like I was passing it on and she didn’t want it) and I found out she was selling it all straight on. It was really annoying because we could’ve done with the money and selling it on ourselves, but my people pleasing came out when she asked. I felt like I couldn’t not give it to her.

Why not?

That's just spiteful as fuck.

If OP wanted money for the items she should go to the hassle of selling them themselves.

If they don't want money for them, what difference does it make what the person you are gifting the item to does with it? Some people will need the money more than they need clothes. Other people will just take stuff out of politeness when they don't actually need it and don't have anyone to palm it off on so they may as well make a few quid out of it.

If you are giving something away you don't get to assign conditions to what they can do with it.

i would be annoyed but unless you said yu wanted them back not alot you can do

i wouldnt pass on anything else if she asks why say youre selling them instead

No I wouldn't be happy at all. Something every sneaky and sly about selling on and making a profit on something a relative gave you for free.

@Frabbits you seem very emotionally invested in this are u ok?? Have you been selling hand me downs?🙈🤣

If I've been given stuff I've passed it on for free. Or if something has been worth something I've sold it on and given the money back to whoever (my mum or sister usually). I wouldn't sell on for my own profit unless I had asked the original giver if they mind.

But she/they might be in a dire financial position and selling stuff to pay the bills at the end of the month.

Mmm I think for clothes that I'd have given away anyway I'd be ok with it. Although yes ideally she should have asked you first. I'd be annoyed if it was an item I could have sold for a decent price, but I don't think I could get too worked up over clothes.

Wouldn't bother me at all. If I gave someone something I no longer wanted and then they sold it after they had used it that's none of my business. Op you should have either sold it yourself or asked to have it all back after you 'loaned' it to your SIL. the people she has sold this stuff to are probably grateful to get affordable baby stuff. I doubt your SIL Has made that much from doing it. If it bothers you just don't hand anything else down to her.

YANBU to be annoyed, but there's not really anything one can do or say about it. My policy was to give away anything we were given that was not expected back, as it didn't seem right to me to sell it; I only sold on stuff I had bought myself.

That's a shocking attitude to have. She should have checked with OP if she wanted them back first, if OP said no, then fair enough - sell them.

Hand me downs shouldn't come with conditions.

My SIL gave me a bag of stuff for DC3 and told me she'd want them back when they had DC2 themselves so I just gave her the bag back. Life is too short for me to keep track of her hand me downs to then store and give back to her at some indeterminate time in the future. I wasn't rude but I did tell her I couldn't be sure I'd keep the stuff in good condition so it was safer she took it back.

I tell anyone I give hand me downs to to pass them on after if they can / make use of them in anyway possible. This would include selling them.

YANBU. We've been really lucky to receive a ton of hand-me-downs for DD. I never sell them on. I either pass them onto a friend or advertise them on Facebook as free to collect.

Hand me downs shouldn't come with conditions

I tell anyone I give hand me downs to to pass them on after if they can / make use of them in anyway possible. This would include selling them.

I realise I contradicted myself there, I meant hand me downs shouldn't come with specific rules other than to pay the favour forward (ideally)

It's not at all shocking, its a normal attitude that most people would share! If someone GIVES you something, you don't need to give it back or ask if they want it back. That would be LENDING not giving.

You don't give something and then monitor them with it afterwards. That's weird as fuck.

It's not shocking. If you want something back, it's on you to make it clear when you hand it over that you're only lending it. If you're giving it away, it's theirs and it makes no difference to you what they do with it.

I probably wouldn't have accepted baby clothes if they were only borrowed. No way I was going to keep track of which clothes I had to return and I'd be worried that after all the wearing, soiling and washing, they wouldn't be in great condition by the time I was finished with them.

Of course YABU! Why on earth did you not make your expectations clear in the beginning?!

I bet you and the posters backing you up are all the type of people who think you would have the right to tell a beggar you give money to how they should spend that money!🙄

That is annoying and seems quite mercenary. You donated them so her DC could wear them. When I've donated to my SILs or vice versa we usually pick out what we want with the giver saying, I'll drop the rest at the charity shop. I wouldn't mind if they sold them on AFTER their DC had worn them but otherwise it seems like making money out of your generosity.

I sometimes sell on good quality hand me downs to fund the next size up.

I donate or pass on others.

I don't sell on to add to a holiday fund, in my head there's nothing wrong with it. Bundle of 0-3 months girls for £20, I can use that £20 to get a 6-9 month bundle

Just because you don't need the money for them so can give them away doesn't mean she's not struggling a bit and so sees selling them as a way to benefit her child.

You weren't willing to go through the hassle so made your choice and now she's making hers.

Personally I think it’s awful. If someone thinks highly enough of you to want to help you out massively by giving you lots of clothing for the kids, very least you can do is pay it forward. (If not keeping them for a younger sibling)
Yes, theoretically they’re now hers and “it’s not your business”, however it’s very poor form. I’d like to assume that she must really need the money…

No, I just have a different opinion to you. That ok hun?

No, what is a shocking attitude is attaching conditions to a gift.

Agree.

People are not mind readers nor does everyone know all these supposed “unwritten” rules.

Be clear what you want people to do with the things you pass to them instead of expecting them to know what “unwritten” rules you have for the items.

I gave all my baby stuff away when I had my last child and I can honestly say it had nothing to do with thinking highly of anyone. Some of them were total strangers. I was done with them and needed the space and couldn't be bothered to sell for the pennies I'd get.

If you want to make sure people only do what you consider "good form", then interrogate people before you give then stuff. That's not how gifts work. It's not yours any more, end of.