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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed she's selling on hand me downs?

201 replies

Terribleactor · 16/01/2023 11:39

Asking to settle an argument with DH!

My SIL (BIL's wife) has a baby a few months younger than mine. They are the same sex so I have passed on quite a few bits to her over the past year, when my DC has grown out of them. I have recently discovered that she has been selling these things on various selling sites. I didn't give them to her expecting them back but I feel put out that she's profiting from the things I have given her! I could have sold them myself I suppose, but chose to give them to her.

My DH thinks I'm BU as I have given them away and so they are no longer mine. Is he right or am I ?!

OP posts:
ancientgran · 16/01/2023 12:21

I think it is irritating and I wouldn't give her any more but I'd leave it, what's done is done.

JenniferBarkley · 16/01/2023 12:21

Wouldn't bother me at all. I've passed all my baby clothes to my sister - delighted to get them out of my house and see them being used on my niece. Couldn't care less what my sister does with them after.

Selling baby clothes on in bundles is an easy way to pass them on, and she won't get much for them.

Different story if it was something like a buggy or cot that she was getting "real" money for.

Tinkerbyebye · 16/01/2023 12:21

He is right, however now you know I wouldn’t be passing anything in and selling it myself, or making it clear you want it back

IglesiasPiggl · 16/01/2023 12:23

Are you likely to be having any more babies? If so, then I guess she might have clarified whether they were a gift or a loan, but otherwise YABU. I pass on my youngest's stuff to my SIL because I want them out of my hair but can't be bothered selling them. I don't want them back so what she does with them is up to her.

ethelredonagoodday · 16/01/2023 12:23

I think it's cheeky OP. We are lucky in that we have had lots of things passed on to us over the years. I haven't ever sold any after, I've passed them on again.

Eyeofthestorm7 · 16/01/2023 12:24

I can’t believe your SIL wouldn’t ask you what she should do with them and either return them to you or pass them on to another relative/friend/group without trying to profit from your kindness and generosity. She has the opposite attitude to paying it forward, though maybe she’s struggling financially? I would stop giving her things in future or be clearer about what you want her to do if she no longer wants things you have given. Maybe in future you could donate instead to someone who is also generous hearted and will continue the cycle?

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 16/01/2023 12:24

I can understand why it annoys you as you gave them to her free and could have sold them yourself

I'd look at how much she is selling them for and ask for a donation next time you give any clothes to her , if you're short of money and regret that you didn't sell them.
Or let it go as your niece / nephew benefited from them and it was a kind thing you did and you no longer needed the clothes. It's a pain to sell childrens clothing , not much profit in it and is a hassle. I tend to only sell the expensive items or give those to favourite friends. I don't even notice what they do with them afterwards. But then I only give to people that are kind / helpful to us too in someway. Anyone that isn't, doesn't get any more hand me down clothes! Those that have passed on lots of clothes to my family always get a bottle of wine or a larger gift at Xmas or some help from us.

I suspect it's hard to keep track though if what you've been given by whom, as once the clothes are in your DCs wardrobe they all get kiddies together.

StarsSand · 16/01/2023 12:25

Were you giving her Gucci and Burberry baby clothes? Is she making a fortune?

Honestly the resell value of third hand baby clothes is so low I would be concerned about her. Are they struggling?

It's a lot of effort to sell baby clothes for little reward.

She might not remember who gave her what at this point.

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 16/01/2023 12:25

*muddled together not 'kiddies together' silly phone

JanuaryBlues2023 · 16/01/2023 12:26

Its a bit cheeky of her yes. But now you know you have the choice of not passing anything else onto her, passing things onto her and not being upset by what she does with them, trying to sell them on yourself or giving them away to charity.

My DS had a friend with a much younger sister and the mum was forever mentioning how few clothes her children had, not enough clothes for a weeks holiday, no warm clothes, no summer clothes, no smart/party clothes etc. As both her children were smaller than mine in height (so I passed on some clothes my two had grown out of). Some of which they wore as I saw them wearing them. Then one day I saw the mum walking into town carrying two fairly heavy looking black bin liners. I said I had seen her on X day walking into town carrying big bin liners and she was quite up front that a lot of parents had kindly given her children clothes and she’d ended up with too many so she took the rest to somewhere that pays you by the weight for used clothes. After this I stopped passing clothes on. Her husband was a solicitor and she also had a good job. Within in 6 months her son was taking the Micky out of my son as he couldn’t believe we were taking him to X in the UK for his holidays as they were going on a cruise, going to America the Caribbean etc etc.

Rowen32 · 16/01/2023 12:26

I think that's awful and would be really upset. You could easily have sold them but did a nice thing and gave them to her, the least she could have done was offered them back if she didn't want the hassle of trying to get rid of them herself.

MilkyYay · 16/01/2023 12:28

You are both unreasonable and reasonable imho.

You gave them to her, they are hers now.

But:

I also hate when people take things they've been given, out of kindness, for free, and sell them on to make money. Its miserly and grasping. To me, the appropriate thing to do is to pass them on again for free.

On here you will get people insisting that maybe she needs the money and can't afford not to sell them.... in which case how would she have managed if she'd never been given them at all?

Kisskiss · 16/01/2023 12:30

This is a bit weird one: yes you’ve given them to her, but it does (understandably ) feel strange knowing she’s making a profit off them after , when she could also give them to charity or someone else for free in a pay it forward sort of way.
im in the position of Receiver as a I have a few friends with older children but I always try and give back when I can ( in terms of treating them to meals or buying spontaneous presents ) .. does your sil reciprocate in any way at all?

user147283190 · 16/01/2023 12:30

Wouldn't bother me at all! If you wanted to sell them then you could have done so instead of passing them on. I'm delighted when I know someone I can pass my baby things onto as it feels better than just dumping them all at a charity shop. I work full time and honestly can't be bothered trying to recoup a bit of money from selling baby clothes. If the people I pass it to can be bothered to sell once they've used it then good for them!

Coffeeandcake15 · 16/01/2023 12:31

Whenever I’ve been gifted something and it’s not often, I’ve never sold on, I’ve gifted on, I personally couldn’t imagine profiting on something that’s been given to me for free but I realise not everyone thinks the same way as me. I wouldn’t say anything though.

Frabbits · 16/01/2023 12:32

MilkyYay · 16/01/2023 12:28

You are both unreasonable and reasonable imho.

You gave them to her, they are hers now.

But:

I also hate when people take things they've been given, out of kindness, for free, and sell them on to make money. Its miserly and grasping. To me, the appropriate thing to do is to pass them on again for free.

On here you will get people insisting that maybe she needs the money and can't afford not to sell them.... in which case how would she have managed if she'd never been given them at all?

Maybe, just maybe, she wouldn't have managed?

Or maybe she is selling the clothes to help pay a cc bill, or to be able to afford to run the heating or whatever?

Believe it or not, to some people a few extra pounds here and there makes a huge difference, and what is miserly and grasping is to give somebody something and then get upset if they don't fall over themselves with gratitude and behave according to some invented moral code as to what they can do with the items.

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 16/01/2023 12:33

It's not always about the profit though some people are just like that. My bff sells everything that she isn't using anymore on local Facebay selling pages - all her DCs old toys , clothes , her old clothes and boots unwanted gifts etc she always has a pot of money on the go that they then buy treats or a takeaway with to make her week easier.

Whereas I tend to drop off at my favourite charity shop or give away to good friends, as usually I can't be doing with all the hassle of no shows and random people turning up on my doorstep.

I sometimes think I've missed a trick and have spates of selling on some items (bikes, coats, football boots, toys and scooters etc )- it's surprising how few pounds here and there add up- to £30-50 after a few weeks of selling. My mum often takes some of the items and sells them for me as they are home more often than I am and she likes a good sale but she moans about the no shows or the CF buyers who try to scam her. She loves it when someone gets excited with their bargain from her! I guess it's become one of her hobbies!

Cherrysoup · 16/01/2023 12:34

I think that’s dead cheeky. She should have offered them back or said ‘I’m thinking about selling this. I’ll give you half.’ Presumably you bought them in the first place.

LT2 · 16/01/2023 12:35

Has she used them first do you think? If so, YABU, she can do as she pleases to pass them on when she's done with them.
But if her child hasn't worn them, YANBU. She should have told you she didn't need them.

Bookworm20 · 16/01/2023 12:35

I think it depends on if shes selling them when her child has outgrown them or as soon as she gets them. If used and outgrown, I can't see the issue. if they are still good and she has no one to pass them onto, then why not. I doubt shes getting much for them tbh unless they are hugely expensive designer gear.

If they are things that are no good for her anyway (don't fit etc) then again, I can't see the issue.

I've handed down plenty over the years and couldn't give a monkeys if the person I give them to sells them on, bins them, donates them, if they are no use to them.

yorkshirepudsx · 16/01/2023 12:36

@Frabbits or she's using the money to fund something that isn't even essential? We don't know this do we? Regardless of what that money goes towards,
Somebody kindly gave her clothes to help her out and she's chosen to sell them,

But I genuinely don't think that if the SIL gave the clothes away, it would mean SIL is at a loss. She didn't pay anything for them, so financially she wouldn't have been at a loss, she's only made a gain.

If OP hadn't of given her the clothes, she wouldn't have anything to sell or give away - therefor, SIL literally cannot lose either way 🤷‍♀️

neighboursmustliveon · 16/01/2023 12:39

I personally think it's cheeky to do this and she should also give them away or at least offer to split the profit.

I once gave a family member something my child had our grown then saw them up for sale too. It made me a bit annoyed I have to admit.

I do get when people say they were given to her.

You could ask her to give them back in future for you to sell on or just sell them right away.

OnlyFannys · 16/01/2023 12:39

I think YABU, people often give stuff away to others as an easy way to declutter without the hassle.of FB marketplace or having to drive round charity shops. I dont think you can then get fussy over what happens to them. You can always choose to sell them on yourself if it's a problem.

bellswithwhistles · 16/01/2023 12:40

Cheeky AF. Not if it's a stranger who you got them from, but you're own SIL!

Don't ever give her anything again. If she asks for hand me downs, say yes you've got this bundle for £10 or whatever.

Rule is - if you're gifted it, you gift it back on. If you bought it, you can sell it. IF you got gifted it from a stranger, I would say the rules are relaxed a little, and yes it's up to you what to do with them> But who on earth is brazen enough to sell something they were gifted by family!

Hidingawaytoday · 16/01/2023 12:41

Hmm, tricky. Technically, she's not doing anything wrong, but in my mind, it depends how long she's had them before selling.

If she's had them, used them, and now selling, then I'd feel less annoyed than had she stuck them up on Facebook marketplace a few days after you gave them to her. I was given (lent?) a lot of stuff from a friend when dd was born, we haven't discussed what will happen with it, but once we've finished with it but I'll talk to her and see what she wants to do.