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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to say my partners nephews annoys me

199 replies

GirlMamaxo · 16/01/2023 00:17

Before I start this, I just want to state I know this is a child.

My partners 2 year old nephew really really annoys me, slightly angers me. So we've recently moved to be closer to family. My little girl, who is 8 months old has been has to my friends babies around her, or just adults around her. All gentle playing and just nice surroundings. Now we've moved closer she sees her cousins a lot more which she isn't use to. They are all older, apart from one who is 9 days older than my little girl. There is a 3 year old and a 2 year old. The 2 year old is a boy. Now I'll get into the why he annoys me.

First occasion my little girl was in her jumper and I was watching her, he went over and ragged my little girls hands from what she was holding onto. I said be gentle and I just kept watching, he did it again so I removed my little girl to hold her away.

Second occasion, she was playing with her toy. He comes right in her face and again rags her hands off the toy. Again have to remove my little girl away.

Third occasion, Christmas Day. I was changing her and he came over to her so I kept close eye. I then put her on the floor so I could bag up the nappy, he was so close to pushing her over before he was stopped by his parents who told me "just don't trust him around her" he then comes over a few moments later when she's on my partners lap, cuddles her, then looks me dead in the eye and pinched the back of her neck. To which she screams.

Fourth occasion, I went to the retail park with my sister in law (his mum) and she offered to drive. So my daughter is in the car seat by the window, he is in his car seat in the middle and the baby same age as my little girl is next to the other window. Firstly soon as I strap her in his shoving his hand in her mouth, which I said "don't do that she has teeth she'll bite you" so we start driving and I can see him corner of my eye trying to touch her. I look round to try and speak to him to distract him. We get onto the motorway my sister in law chatting away. I then hear my little girl scream (which she never screams, happiest little soul) so I turn, he's again ragging her arms and shaking her car seat. Only so much I can lean from the front seat to the back to comfort her, she's screaming still. Still on the motorway and my sister in law is telling him stop. I get her out and her face is bright red from screaming, I comfort her before putting her in the pram. Once I've put her in her pram her eye is just streaming with water, so take a closer look and he's poked her in the eye good and proper. Hence the scream. Her eye was bloodshot. I was furious in all honesty.

When I say how I feel about this I get the "oh he's only 2" which I get completely. But it's like he guns for my little girl soon as he sees her. He's in her face, grabbing her arms, squeezing her hands. And it's got to the point now where he just comes near her and she'll cry and it breaks my heart because all she wants to do is sit and play nicely but I have to keep removing her before he seriously hurts her.

I really don't know if I'm being dramatic and I feel awful feeling this way towards a 2 year old child, but he really really infuriates me

OP posts:
OhwhyOY · 16/01/2023 00:26

It sounds like he's deliberately trying to get attention. I would speak to his parents about it- saying 'don't trust him around her' suggests they know there is a problem. Whilst two year olds are too young to fully understand what they are doing and properly misbehave, they are testing boundaries. So sounds like someone needs to get some boundaries in place with him pretty quickly. In the meantime, I'd just try to keep them apart, and if something does happen try not to give him any attention. Hopefully he will grow out of it soon, with some parenting to help him understand why he shouldn't do it and addressing the underlying cause (attention seeking, experimenting etc etc).

Original poster
GirlMamaxo · 16/01/2023 00:30

@OhwhyOY when I've spoke to my partner about it I've said the obvious, he's 2. He doesn't mean it with intent. But also my little girl is petite for her age, she's use to gentle play and not someone ragging her arms about or in her face. Which I get children do, but he takes it that step to far.

I've witnessed him push his brother (the baby 9 days older than my little girl) he was just sitting up playing and he went over and just pushed him. So god knows what he does at home for them to say they don't trust him

OP posts:
NameChagaiiiin · 16/01/2023 00:35

Yeh tbh there's not much that you can do other than keep on at his parents. Obviously only you know the family dynamics and how much impact this will have within your wider family.

You're right he's only 2, but as PP said he's testing boundaries. Potentially some jealousy of his younger sibling but his own parents, knowing what he's like, don't let him near her much, so your DD is secondary "target"

YANBU. I'd be furious, my DD is the same age as yours and this would break my heart. Hopefully he gets bored of it soon, or his parents intervene a bit more.

PeekAtYou · 16/01/2023 00:37

He's going through sibling rivalry/jealousy at home and extending that to your dad because she's also a baby.
2 year olds seem massive compared to babies but they don't have control over their impulses and emotions. Emotional regulation is what kids learn at age 2/3 and until then you just need to protect your dd and hope that your family are understanding when your dd is mobile and possibly physical with others.

PeekAtYou · 16/01/2023 00:38

I would feel most annoyed about the parents not keeping a closer eye on him.

Original poster
GirlMamaxo · 16/01/2023 00:40

@NameChagaiiiin it so breaks my heart. Because she's at the age now where she gets excited, wants to play and interact. And I feel awful just hovering over her ready to sweep her up from getting hurt. The other day we had a play date and towards the end she just cried even if he walked past her and I just wanted to say right, go now. And to add more to the retail park Incident, we were in the line in the coffee shop and he has his hand on her pram and she touched his hand and be slapped it away, then grabbed her coat and pulled it on her neck. I had to just move his hands away and turn the pram from his reach. It Infact ended up with me not going home with them, obviously didn't have my car so got the bus home. I just couldn't do that journey of her screaming the whole time sat next to him

OP posts:
Icanflyhigh · 16/01/2023 00:42

My nephew same age did similar to my 3 month old baby, he was jealous of her and the attention she got and I'll never forget the day he held onto the handle of her carseat and stood on her in the carseat (it was on the floor). I got the same reaction from my sister- ah he's only 2 he doesn't mean it.
I never left my daughter anywhere near nephew again. They're in their 20s now and I've never forgotten.

Original poster
GirlMamaxo · 16/01/2023 00:43

@PeekAtYou I said exactly this to my partner, I feel like I can't engage in conversation because I'm watching both him and my little girl. The mum can see exactly what I'm seeing infront of her and just saying "stop" I'm by no means a parent who knows it all. But if my little girl was doing that to someone I would remove her and tell her why I've removed her and her actions aren't nice

OP posts:
magma32 · 16/01/2023 00:44

Nope the first couple of times I would’ve kept my kid well away from that child. Not his fault but my job is to protect my own child. I think you spend far too much time with them considering the shit your daughter gets from him. A close relative of mine is asd but I have zero tolerance for
the violence. I don’t apologise for protecting my vulnerable children.

Original poster
GirlMamaxo · 16/01/2023 00:45

@Icanflyhigh oh my, gosh no, it's something you never forget. When he was shaking my little girls car seat while driving down the motorway my heart was just sinking because she was screaming, he would stop. I couldn't comfort her. It's the scream she was doing that got me most because she never cries so it's how I knew she was uncomfortable and secondly hurt from him poking her in the eye

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlMamaxo · 16/01/2023 00:51

@magma32 all incidents above have not sat right with me, but the retail park one has really tipped me over the edge. I've said to my partner if we don't need to be near them then I really won't be

OP posts:
magma32 · 16/01/2023 01:11

GirlMamaxo · 16/01/2023 00:45

@Icanflyhigh oh my, gosh no, it's something you never forget. When he was shaking my little girls car seat while driving down the motorway my heart was just sinking because she was screaming, he would stop. I couldn't comfort her. It's the scream she was doing that got me most because she never cries so it's how I knew she was uncomfortable and secondly hurt from him poking her in the eye

Honestly you can decide if you need to be near them or not, don’t feel pressured by your partner to be near his family if it just stressful for you. yes the incident should never happen again. Especially the car one. It gave me anxiety just reading it. Put your dd first, next time something more serious can happen, the boy doesn’t know what he’s doing which makes the situation more dangerous in my opinion, unpredictable. With my asd relative his mum does not discipline him as that’s how his brain is wired and he doesn’t understand which i completely understand but doesn’t mean I will allow my kid to be a punching bag. They are my own family
though. It’s hard when it’s not your own immediate family, it’s almost like you feel you have to play it down around in laws for fear of being seen as dramatic but until
it’s happening to their own kid they won’t understand. I don’t think they’d be very tolerant if it was your dd doing the attacking.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/01/2023 01:43

I don't care if he's "only two." He is harming your baby. I had an identical issue with my cousin's child. The visits and playdates stopped.

Patineur · 16/01/2023 01:44

What do you mean by "ragging"?

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 16/01/2023 01:53

Aquamarine1029 · 16/01/2023 01:43

I don't care if he's "only two." He is harming your baby. I had an identical issue with my cousin's child. The visits and playdates stopped.

What a Ridiculous reaction. It’s a phase, he won’t be doing it when he’s 21. It’s up to the adults to keep an eye on the kids.

As a PP compared to babies 2yo’s seem massive but they’re learning all the same and have juvenile emotions. Your nephew doesn’t hate your baby. And in a year or 2 it could well be YOUR baby who’s the ‘annoying’ one

Aquamarine1029 · 16/01/2023 02:07

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 16/01/2023 01:53

What a Ridiculous reaction. It’s a phase, he won’t be doing it when he’s 21. It’s up to the adults to keep an eye on the kids.

As a PP compared to babies 2yo’s seem massive but they’re learning all the same and have juvenile emotions. Your nephew doesn’t hate your baby. And in a year or 2 it could well be YOUR baby who’s the ‘annoying’ one

Show quote history

Not ridiculous when the parents do fuck all to monitor their child. No surprise, my cousin's child continued to be a problem for years and years to come, and still is. Some "phases" last for a lifetime.

User11122 · 16/01/2023 02:24

Yes this would annoy me, poor baby! Since the parents are not going to keep a proper eye on him, if I was you I would not allow him near her unless you are there, and just remove her if you need to. Better than letting her get poked and prodded and hurt.

Beseen22 · 16/01/2023 02:45

I had a 3yr gap and my eldest DS is v gentle so I never experienced it with my 2 but at my toddler group there are two sets of siblings with only a year in between and even though they are the loveliest little boys on their own they both can be just awful to their sisters. One went through a stage of biting his DS and his mum couldn't even nip to the toilet without one of them because if she came back DD would have big teeth marks up her arm. The other little boy when the DD was learning to sit up he would spend his whole day trying to push her back.

They are trying to cope with sharing their mum and not really able to communicate when they are feeling a bit down about that and so they often use their hands rather than words. Your DD is probably on the receiving end because of his feelings about his own DB.

The good thing is now the little sisters are up on their feet and will push their brothers back the balance is a little restored.

There probably is an element of overprotection of first baby, I can understand why your SIL is a bit more relaxed about it because she can't keep her two apart all day long but then again we have all been there and if you don't feel your child is safe then separate them or make it clear to your DN to keep his hands off or reduce contact if you feel thats necessary. I think the situation will settle over the next year when the little ones start fighting back.

Crimsonripple · 16/01/2023 02:53

He's doing it to wind you up!

Crimsonripple · 16/01/2023 02:54

Why isn't your sister in law having a firm word with him when he's doing it? Just saying stop is weak and he's clearly ignoring it.

stopthebarking · 16/01/2023 02:56

I'd avoid any situation where he'll have access to her without you there to fend him off, tbh. If that means seeing your partner's family less often for a while, so be it. Presumably he'll eventually grow out of it, but I'd not leave my child vulnerable to his horrible treatment in the meantime.

I'd also take it upon myself to , if he hurt her again. If his parents can't be bothered, someone else will have to step in.

Grimreapers · 16/01/2023 03:52

Good luck when yours turns two.

HappyMeal564 · 16/01/2023 03:54

I'd stop going out with them. If his parents aren't going to stop him or remove him to protect their own baby they certainly won't do it to protect yours.

Craver · 16/01/2023 05:11

Sounds like a little horror, avoid all contact, parents will hopefully get the message to discipline him properly. I don't understand what you mean by ragging?

OptimusPrime31 · 16/01/2023 05:21

What's ragging? I've never heard this word before

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