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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say my partners nephews annoys me

199 replies

GirlMamaxo · 16/01/2023 00:17

Before I start this, I just want to state I know this is a child.

My partners 2 year old nephew really really annoys me, slightly angers me. So we've recently moved to be closer to family. My little girl, who is 8 months old has been has to my friends babies around her, or just adults around her. All gentle playing and just nice surroundings. Now we've moved closer she sees her cousins a lot more which she isn't use to. They are all older, apart from one who is 9 days older than my little girl. There is a 3 year old and a 2 year old. The 2 year old is a boy. Now I'll get into the why he annoys me.

First occasion my little girl was in her jumper and I was watching her, he went over and ragged my little girls hands from what she was holding onto. I said be gentle and I just kept watching, he did it again so I removed my little girl to hold her away.

Second occasion, she was playing with her toy. He comes right in her face and again rags her hands off the toy. Again have to remove my little girl away.

Third occasion, Christmas Day. I was changing her and he came over to her so I kept close eye. I then put her on the floor so I could bag up the nappy, he was so close to pushing her over before he was stopped by his parents who told me "just don't trust him around her" he then comes over a few moments later when she's on my partners lap, cuddles her, then looks me dead in the eye and pinched the back of her neck. To which she screams.

Fourth occasion, I went to the retail park with my sister in law (his mum) and she offered to drive. So my daughter is in the car seat by the window, he is in his car seat in the middle and the baby same age as my little girl is next to the other window. Firstly soon as I strap her in his shoving his hand in her mouth, which I said "don't do that she has teeth she'll bite you" so we start driving and I can see him corner of my eye trying to touch her. I look round to try and speak to him to distract him. We get onto the motorway my sister in law chatting away. I then hear my little girl scream (which she never screams, happiest little soul) so I turn, he's again ragging her arms and shaking her car seat. Only so much I can lean from the front seat to the back to comfort her, she's screaming still. Still on the motorway and my sister in law is telling him stop. I get her out and her face is bright red from screaming, I comfort her before putting her in the pram. Once I've put her in her pram her eye is just streaming with water, so take a closer look and he's poked her in the eye good and proper. Hence the scream. Her eye was bloodshot. I was furious in all honesty.

When I say how I feel about this I get the "oh he's only 2" which I get completely. But it's like he guns for my little girl soon as he sees her. He's in her face, grabbing her arms, squeezing her hands. And it's got to the point now where he just comes near her and she'll cry and it breaks my heart because all she wants to do is sit and play nicely but I have to keep removing her before he seriously hurts her.

I really don't know if I'm being dramatic and I feel awful feeling this way towards a 2 year old child, but he really really infuriates me

OP posts:
kirinm · 16/01/2023 09:06

Crimsonripple · 16/01/2023 02:53

He's doing it to wind you up!

He's 2. He doesn't understand that he's winding the OP up.

Original poster
GirlMamaxo · 16/01/2023 09:07

@StarsSand I just don't think it's fair to constantly be holding her. She wants to play with her toys her stuff where she lives. That's why I let her play and watch her until it's time to remove her. I don't want her to see other children playing and think she has to stay on my lap.

And trust me if I could turn back time and use my tongue I would. It's all just change as of this minute and I had my little girl and was comforting her so that was my focus there and then. Hindsight is a funny thing

OP posts:
GerbilsForever24 · 16/01/2023 09:09

@GirlMamaxo I feel your pain. I get on very well with SIL except for this one issue and there was a long period where it caused a lot of problems as DD didn't want to go there and we didn't feel we should force her. We distanced ourselves a LOT and I think that caused SIL a lot of pain. But the problem was that whenever we tried to talk about it, she just can't or won't hear it. She has this total blindspot when it comes to her DS.

I used to be infuriated as he would hit DD in the face and she would get down and TALK to him. He was about 2. Honestly, he didn't understand a word and would just sit there and then as soon as she walked away, he'd do it again.

I constantly remind my children that if I kill someone while driving, even though I didn't do it on purpose, I might have to go to jail or whatever as I have to be responsible for my mistakes. And that it's no different for them. SIL simply doesn't seem to see this. So she'll shout at him sometimes, but there are never any actual consequences. If he's RUDE on the other hand, she sees that as deliberate and then immediately puts consequences in place. It's completely bizarre.

Original poster
GirlMamaxo · 16/01/2023 09:09

@kirinm I agree, I don't think he's on the wind up whatsoever. He doesn't know how to for one. I also don't think it's for attention, it's like he has intrusive thoughts and then acts on them. He can be peaceful one minute and the next he's throwing a toy across the room or I've witnessed him run across the room and push his 9 month old brother over for no reason

OP posts:
GCWorkNightmare · 16/01/2023 09:10

What’s the plan for getting your own place so you can be a grown up and establish your own boundaries?

kirinm · 16/01/2023 09:11

This is down to the parents and if they won't do anything, I'd stay away. You'd be surprised at how many parents don't seem to be able to properly see their kids behaviour.

BUT he is only 2 and when your DD is 2, you'll think she's a baby still because she is. 2 is so young and they don't really understand what they're doing or the emotions they're feeling.

I've been genuinely shocked at how some toddlers treat their baby siblings but it does seem pretty common.

I also don't know what ragging means.

kirinm · 16/01/2023 09:13

I don't think you're qualified to claim this 2 year old has intrusive thoughts. I certainly wouldn't be suggesting that to the parents because rightly, they'll kick off (I most certainly would).

AngelDelightUK · 16/01/2023 09:14

So does she just let herself into the house when you’re there? I’m not sure I could cope with that

Are you in a position to move out? I wouldn’t want to be spending any time with them at all

ZekeZeke · 16/01/2023 09:15

You need your own place.

TerraNostra · 16/01/2023 09:15

I constantly remind my children that if I kill someone while driving, even though I didn't do it on purpose, I might have to go to jail or whatever as I have to be responsible for my mistakes.

Bloody hell @GerbilsForever24 that’s a bit much!
My son (6) is terrified of me going to jail, he thought I would get banged up the other day because I climbed a low wall to retrieve a ball. And if I constantly reminded him that cars could kill people he’d never want me to get in one again.

Original poster
GirlMamaxo · 16/01/2023 09:16

@GCWorkNightmare as stated I'm from Liverpool, my partner from wales. We met when he was in uni in Liverpool, been together since. We lived in Liverpool of course for years. He worked there, he got offered a job promotion in their office near where he is from. It was a very very back and fourth situation for me to move. Leave my job, my friends, not family as my mum sadly passed 3 years ago and my brother lives in Sheffield with his partner who he also met in uni.

My huge thing was savings. Most our savings were on the baby when that time come, we were also renting so basically throwing money away. Also used my savings while on maternity so I could take longer off. So therefore we've moved into my mother in laws to save to buy as rent here is just shockingly expensive so would be pointless renting as it wouldn't be worth moving. So we are saving, they live in Spain 6 months of the year. So that's our plan, save to buy. I'm still on maternity, well holidays as end of my maternity. So saving isn't in huge amounts currently. We hope to be in our own place by 2024

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlMamaxo · 16/01/2023 09:17

@kirinm I've commented about explaining what ragging means. As have others

OP posts:
TerraNostra · 16/01/2023 09:18

OP, are you sure that your SILs don’t use MN? This is very identifying.

GerbilsForever24 · 16/01/2023 09:20

TerraNostra · 16/01/2023 09:15

I constantly remind my children that if I kill someone while driving, even though I didn't do it on purpose, I might have to go to jail or whatever as I have to be responsible for my mistakes.

Bloody hell @GerbilsForever24 that’s a bit much!
My son (6) is terrified of me going to jail, he thought I would get banged up the other day because I climbed a low wall to retrieve a ball. And if I constantly reminded him that cars could kill people he’d never want me to get in one again.

Grin. My children are a bit older now and understand - this wasn't an example I used when they were 3 and 5!! DS did spend a lot of time worrying about jail when he was younger! But he's more sensible now.

Original poster
GirlMamaxo · 16/01/2023 09:24

@TerraNostra no she doesn't

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 16/01/2023 09:25

That's awful. I know he's only 2, but can still hurt your child badly. I wouldn't have them together anymore, and avoid them. My child comes first and her safety is so important to me. I wouldn't consider other people's feelings as more important than my child's safety.

sunflowerdaisyrose · 16/01/2023 09:30

I think almost every parent tries to teach their child to be kind and gentle - I have two who were/are always lovely and wouldn't ever hurt anyone or snatch but one was really hard work between 1.5 and 3.5 and I had to be next to her all the time. It was a nightmare with her and her cousin for a while but now they're best of friends at 10 and 11 (and mine is now kind and gentle as she's grown up and developed impulse control/patience)

Don't burn your bridges because you perceive yourself as a perfect parent and them failing. It sounds like it is is necessary for both you and the toddler's parents to be extra vigilant (and not put them next to each other in a car or anywhere else they're trapped together) for a while and that may limit the activities you can do together.

Your language is very melodramatic.

OCDmama · 16/01/2023 09:34

I'd be bloody livid.

Don't take your baby around them til he's gotten older or learned not to hurt babies.

Original poster
GirlMamaxo · 16/01/2023 09:34

@sunflowerdaisyrose I'm sorry, but I disagree with the melodramatic comment. That's exactly why I don't speak up or say anything because it's "you're a drama queen" "you're to protective of your little girl" which I don't think is either of those things at all when someone is hurting my child for her to scream

OP posts:
SerialFaffer · 16/01/2023 09:34

StarsSand · 16/01/2023 08:39

Honestly the people on this thread projecting some kind of criminal intent onto a two year old is ridiculous.

Two year olds are cognitively incapable of understanding on a moral level that it is wrong to hurt someone.

The two year old is being two. The adults need to adult.

Absolutely this.

Genuinely concerned about some of the views on here.

Original poster
GirlMamaxo · 16/01/2023 09:41

@SerialFaffer I'm more concerned some people think children hurting children enough to make them scream cry, or become Injured is okay? So what happens when he's 3/4/5 and still does this? Can you still use the 2 excuse then?

OP posts:
123woop · 16/01/2023 09:49

It seems from your OP that at least the parents are doing something and knows he's "testing boundaries" to put it politely - my friend has a dreadful time with her partner's nephew where there's a similar age gap and he's extremely rough (I've witnessed it and it's alarming to say the least!) and the parents just laugh and go "oh isn't he funny!" Whilst he's trying to scratch the baby's face. You have my sympathy!

SerialFaffer · 16/01/2023 09:50

GirlMamaxo · 16/01/2023 09:09

@kirinm I agree, I don't think he's on the wind up whatsoever. He doesn't know how to for one. I also don't think it's for attention, it's like he has intrusive thoughts and then acts on them. He can be peaceful one minute and the next he's throwing a toy across the room or I've witnessed him run across the room and push his 9 month old brother over for no reason

“It’s like he has intrusive thoughts and then acts upon them”.

… I really suggest that you start reading up on normal toddler behaviour because, genuinely, you’re in for a nasty shock - either when your (now) ‘gentle’ 8 month old hits the same stage, or when you go on any future play dates.

Honestly, adjust your expectations of toddlers, or I worry you’ll be going around trying to get them all convicted and sent to juvenile prison.

This is on you, the adults (yes, all of you), to correctly manage and do the adulting.

www.babycenter.com.au/a1021978/aggression-why-it-happens-and-what-to-do-about-it-age-2#:~:text=Some%20degree%20of%20hitting%20and,you're%20raising%20a%20bully.

Prinnny · 16/01/2023 09:52

Sounds like my friends little boy, when his sister was born they couldn’t let him near her as he was constantly trying to attack her. He’s just been diagnosed ASD and was removed from normal school after incidents including throwing chairs and stabbing a child in the eye with a pen, he’s in a special school now at just gone 5.

I would avoid as much as I can, if the parents won’t disapline I think you need to say something next time anything happens. It’s absolutely unacceptable for them to be so passive!

StarsSand · 16/01/2023 09:53

GirlMamaxo · 16/01/2023 09:34

@sunflowerdaisyrose I'm sorry, but I disagree with the melodramatic comment. That's exactly why I don't speak up or say anything because it's "you're a drama queen" "you're to protective of your little girl" which I don't think is either of those things at all when someone is hurting my child for her to scream

Your language is melodramatic. Stay with me though.

Eg:

'My little girl is my pride and joy and I'm bringing her up to be gentle and kind.' Describing the boy as 'smirking' 'looked me dead in the eye' Your 'sinking heart' and long descriptions of her crying and screaming. It's unnecessary.

I totally get why you feel that way, but just think about toning it down if you talk to SIL. It sounds a bit superior and very judgemental of her parenting and that's not the tone you want to go for.

Key here: You don't need flamboyant emotional language to get your point across. That will possibly burn bridges in the tight knit family, as you fear. You can use really paired back, emotion free language to make the same points. It's just common sense and stating the obvious that a baby shouldn't be getting hurt. You don't need to convince anyone of how much she cried, or how your heart felt, or whether you are bringing your child up to be 'gentle and kind' or whether the boy meant to do it. That's irrelevant. It's going to cause a row.

No one is going to disagree with you when you say simply your DD shouldn't be getting hurt.

'Nephew stepped on DD, could you please move him away?'

'I think Nephew scratched DD in her eyes while we were driving here, I'm going to take the bus home.'

'Sorry SIL I'll make my own way there, don't want DD in arms reach and getting poked in the car again'

'Nephew, I'm taking you back to mum because we need to be gentle'

'Nephew, DD is too little to play with you. SIL, could you please find a toy to occupy Nephew?'

'SIL, I didn't realise you were coming today! DD is just having some tummy time with her toys, could you take Nephew outside for a play for now and then we can have a cuppa later once DD is on my lap.'

'SIL, could you please hold onto nephew while I change DDs nappy?'

No judgement or hyperbole necessary. Your point is made and your daughter is safe.

Make sure you say how cute nephew is and how much fun they will have playing together WHEN THEY ARE OLDER and closer in size.