AIBU to say my partners nephews annoys me

[GirlMamaxo]

Before I start this, I just want to state I know this is a child.

My partners 2 year old nephew really really annoys me, slightly angers me. So we've recently moved to be closer to family. My little girl, who is 8 months old has been has to my friends babies around her, or just adults around her. All gentle playing and just nice surroundings. Now we've moved closer she sees her cousins a lot more which she isn't use to. They are all older, apart from one who is 9 days older than my little girl. There is a 3 year old and a 2 year old. The 2 year old is a boy. Now I'll get into the why he annoys me.

First occasion my little girl was in her jumper and I was watching her, he went over and ragged my little girls hands from what she was holding onto. I said be gentle and I just kept watching, he did it again so I removed my little girl to hold her away.

Second occasion, she was playing with her toy. He comes right in her face and again rags her hands off the toy. Again have to remove my little girl away.

Third occasion, Christmas Day. I was changing her and he came over to her so I kept close eye. I then put her on the floor so I could bag up the nappy, he was so close to pushing her over before he was stopped by his parents who told me "just don't trust him around her" he then comes over a few moments later when she's on my partners lap, cuddles her, then looks me dead in the eye and pinched the back of her neck. To which she screams.

Fourth occasion, I went to the retail park with my sister in law (his mum) and she offered to drive. So my daughter is in the car seat by the window, he is in his car seat in the middle and the baby same age as my little girl is next to the other window. Firstly soon as I strap her in his shoving his hand in her mouth, which I said "don't do that she has teeth she'll bite you" so we start driving and I can see him corner of my eye trying to touch her. I look round to try and speak to him to distract him. We get onto the motorway my sister in law chatting away. I then hear my little girl scream (which she never screams, happiest little soul) so I turn, he's again ragging her arms and shaking her car seat. Only so much I can lean from the front seat to the back to comfort her, she's screaming still. Still on the motorway and my sister in law is telling him stop. I get her out and her face is bright red from screaming, I comfort her before putting her in the pram. Once I've put her in her pram her eye is just streaming with water, so take a closer look and he's poked her in the eye good and proper. Hence the scream. Her eye was bloodshot. I was furious in all honesty.

When I say how I feel about this I get the "oh he's only 2" which I get completely. But it's like he guns for my little girl soon as he sees her. He's in her face, grabbing her arms, squeezing her hands. And it's got to the point now where he just comes near her and she'll cry and it breaks my heart because all she wants to do is sit and play nicely but I have to keep removing her before he seriously hurts her.

I really don't know if I'm being dramatic and I feel awful feeling this way towards a 2 year old child, but he really really infuriates me

@SerialFaffer if my little girl is a devil when she's 2 I'll come back to this thread then and hold my hands up. I'm not saying she's perfect, I'm not saying she will be perfect, I'm not saying I'm a perfect parent. But do you really think every 2 year old kicks random kids in their hand in soft play because they won't give him their dummy is okay? Do you think him shaking my little girls car seat while on a motorway is okay? Or poking her in the eye while it becomes bloodshot is okay? All while she's screaming and he still then doesn't stop? I don't think that's normal! And shoot me down for thinking that. So if you're child came to you in a soft play and said a little boy kicked her in the head and belly to the point she was crying and couldn't talk? You'd tell your little girl "oh hunny he's only 2 that's what they do" so then your little girl thinks it's okay to do that? NO! I'm sorry, no

My DD was fine when she was 2 and 3 - when she left nursery in august last year we were told she was so gentle and kind. She's not aggressive now but she's certainly not as gentle as she was and she's nearly 4 and a half. Things change, kids change. Your 8 month old daughter will change and I suspect you'll stop being so insistent there is something wrong with your nephew.

No one said it's ok for a child to be hurt. Where are you getting that?

Two year olds have limited impulse control, they have no conscience, their brains can't understand moral right and wrong.

That's why they have adults- to protect them from themselves.

You've seen how he acts. Stop setting him up for failure by repeatedly giving him access to your DD.

The adults need to be responsible here.

He will be completely different when he is 3/4/5. Don't fret about that just deal with the problem in front of you.

& Congratulations on raising a gentle and kind 8 month old. The toddler years will be a shock to you if you don't adjust your expectations a little.

@StarsSand I haven't said I would say this to my sister in law. I've simply wrote this thread how I felt to describe it. I also haven't said I'm a perfect parent and they are failing. Haven't said that at all. Also saying I'm raising my daughter to be kind and gentle isn't wrong. Also not saying that haven't raised him kind and gentle. No one is gunning for the 2 year old and I'm certainly not going to think every child is the same. Some people really are getting words twisted

Tell the little shit off every single time if his parents refuse to parent him. His behaviour is not normal or acceptable. Put your daughter ahead of keeping the peace and don’t let them into your home for him to torment her.

@StarsSand if you think every child is the same then maybe you're in for the shock? If my little girl does any of those things to put a child in harms way then I will be telling her that's not okay. Do you just let toddlers run riot because they are a toddler? I don't agree

Again, he’s two years old. It’s extremely unlikely that his behaviour will be the same when he’s 3,4 and 5. He’s two and doesn’t have impulse control, executive function etc etc - he literally hasn’t developed those skills yet because he’s two years old, it does not make him inherently evil, as you seem to be making out.

He’s a normal boy who sounds like he’s had to go through a lot of (unsettling) change recently - and is concurrently also exhibiting normal toddler behaviour.

It’s up to both his parents and yourself to manage the situation and protect your daughter from the (normal) two year old. I’d also question how much he notices your aversion to him and responds to that.

Of course children hurting other children is not ok, goes without saying, surely? But hey, maybe if you alienate your SIL enough (rather than speaking up with an appropriate tone when your daughter gets hurt), perhaps your nephew’s parents will finally see what a little Damion they’re raising and choose to crate train him or something…

I came on to say exactly this; this poster has put it perfectly!

Basically yanbu to feel upset, but save your anger/irritation for the parents. The 2-year-old is doing exactly what he's supposed to be doing (pushing boundaries that is, not the hurting specifically). It's up to the parents to manage his behaviour. If they are not doing this, pull them up on it, or limit contact for a little while. Your baby seems tiny now and you are rightly very protective of her. But one day, in a few months, it'll be your baby who seems enormous and will be pushing the boundaries.

Because they definitely listen the first time when you tell them it’s not ok…

Update us with how you’re getting on in 18 months or so, won’t you.

Where did I say every toddler is the same?!

Where did I say it was ok to do nothing while a toddler runs riot?

No one has said it's ok for your daughter to get hurt.

Honestly, some of your responses.

What pretty much everyone on this thread has said is that toddlers can be unpredictable, and the adults need to take charge. So do that.

The two year old is being two. The adults need to adult.

This is exactly how I feel. He's not going to grow up a convicted felon because he was rough at 2 years old. Some PPs are being very dramatic here.

But his parents need to parent him which involves age appropriate discipline for behaviour like this. It's a phase, one that parents need to guide their children through so the learn appropriate behaviours.

If his parents aren't parenting him then you'd be within your rights to avoid seeing them. But he's not necessarily doing anything abnormal for a two year old, it's not him that's the problem and maybe you'll see that one day with it's your daughter pushing another child etc..

If my little girl does any of those things to put a child in harms way then I will be telling her that's not okay

And I'm sure she'll just do exactly as she's told the first time she's told no 🙄

Look, as most posters here have said, the parents absolutely should be doing more about this behaviour. But don't think for a second that your precious 8 month old won't be on the giving end of some rough behaviour with another child at some point in her life. She probably will! Hitting, pushing, biting, snatching, whatever, are all normal phases for toddlers to go through. They do not yet understand that it's wrong, they need to be taught.

It's not the child that's the problem. It's his parents.

@StarsSand I think your advice re language is very good. We did similar but one challenge was we constantly got the response of, "oh, but he loves your DD - he just wants to give her a cuddle" or whatever. So it can be a bit of a tricky line to walk. I think Op should try it though and yes, use that sort of matter of fact language.

@SerialFaffer unfortunately, if the parents aren't willing to address the behaviour now, which it sounds like they aren't, then yes, it will be the same when he's or 6 or 7. Or worse. That's the problem. The 2 year old is not some evil mastermind but he's not being taught correctly and everyone, including him, is suffering and will continue to suffer. SIL got into a huge altercation fairly recently when her DS hurt another child. The parent of the other child pointed out that at this weekly activity they all go to, her DS is disruptive, causes problems and often gets into the physical space of the other children in an unnecessary way. SIL thinks the parent is being mean. [shrug]

Also - laughing at simply telling a toddler not to do something.

Maybe wait until you've had a toddler before you pontificate any further on it.

Congratulations on raising a gentle and kind 8 month old. The toddler years will be a shock to you

Quite 🤣 I always find it slightly amusing when parents of tiny babies think they've got it cracked...

@StarsSand I didn't say she'll listen, but as her parent I'll tell her that's not okay and teach right from wrong. I'll be sure to update you in 18 months. By no means do I think I'm a perfect parent, but I do know what's okay and what's not as a human being

Surely if you know he gets physical why didnt you sit inbetween them in the middle. If sil was driving then that would be difficult for her to intervene. I remember 2 and half year old dd slapped ds2 who was about 2 months old across the face. I had to manage the situation and they absolutely adore each other now aged 9 and 6

@YourPositionInTheQueueIs10292 didn't say I had it cracked. Simply said how I'll raise my little girl, again not saying they haven't raised him kind and gentle. I've got it far from cracked, come spend a day with me and you'll realise that😂

@Starlitestarbright it wasn't a moment where I really thought he's terrorise her in the car since he had his iPad on his lap so usually distracts him. My partner takes the car to work in the week so I had no car, she offered to drive, I said I'll meet her there. Which she demanded no I'll drive, it's a 5 minute drive from home to there so I didn't think much havoc could be caused or would be. This was the worse incident of them all. I didn't travel back with them, I sat with a coffee and gave my little girl lunch and we shopped around ourselves and made our own way back. So it was a learning curve for future. I won't be doing it again

I have a good friend whose dd, after many years, has finally been diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. When I met her, what struck both DH and I was that her dd's behaviour was challenging. She would (try to) grab or hit other children when they didn't do what she wanted. She had no sense of her own strength and ws often inappropriate or hurtful etc. But her mum was 100% aware of this and was always close by, watching, removed her when necessary etc. This contrasted very much with another family we were close to who seemed to think their little darling could do no wrong and that if he hit another child, it wasn't his fault.

Needless to say, she's become one of my closest friends. The other family is one we have distanced ourselves from significantly. I never blamed her dd - she simply didn't know better - but as a result, it is 100% up tot he parents to monitor and manage.

Why does he need to be mean and rough with his new sibling

It's sentences like this though that make it clear you don't yet get it. Because he's two. He's not being mean for goodness sake, it doesn't understand mean enough to even be mean, not I the true sense. You will see one day with your own toddler. Yes you may discipline more appropriately than your SIL does and that's good, but you'll understand then that your two year isn't just mean, they are learning.

I can’t get past how many times you’ve written ’my little girl’.

But yeah, he sounds like a horror.

I don't see any dilemma here, OP. You just keep your DD away from him all the time.

Given the incidents you'd already seen, I'm amazed you had them in the back of your car without an adult. SIL should have sat in the middle, esp as she has admitted what he's like.

You're not responsible for everyone else's feelings about this, or fixing his lack of attention/consequences. Take your emotions out of it and keep DD away from him.

Many toddlers are like that, your little girl might be too.

I think the fact you say you never blamed the DD is what is different here. Because OP may say he doesn't blame the 2 year old but it's clear from her posts she just thinks he's a mean child for the sake of it and that her baby will never display the same behaviours. As you say, it's not the child, it's the parents.