AIBU to say my partners nephews annoys me

[GirlMamaxo]

Before I start this, I just want to state I know this is a child.

My partners 2 year old nephew really really annoys me, slightly angers me. So we've recently moved to be closer to family. My little girl, who is 8 months old has been has to my friends babies around her, or just adults around her. All gentle playing and just nice surroundings. Now we've moved closer she sees her cousins a lot more which she isn't use to. They are all older, apart from one who is 9 days older than my little girl. There is a 3 year old and a 2 year old. The 2 year old is a boy. Now I'll get into the why he annoys me.

First occasion my little girl was in her jumper and I was watching her, he went over and ragged my little girls hands from what she was holding onto. I said be gentle and I just kept watching, he did it again so I removed my little girl to hold her away.

Second occasion, she was playing with her toy. He comes right in her face and again rags her hands off the toy. Again have to remove my little girl away.

Third occasion, Christmas Day. I was changing her and he came over to her so I kept close eye. I then put her on the floor so I could bag up the nappy, he was so close to pushing her over before he was stopped by his parents who told me "just don't trust him around her" he then comes over a few moments later when she's on my partners lap, cuddles her, then looks me dead in the eye and pinched the back of her neck. To which she screams.

Fourth occasion, I went to the retail park with my sister in law (his mum) and she offered to drive. So my daughter is in the car seat by the window, he is in his car seat in the middle and the baby same age as my little girl is next to the other window. Firstly soon as I strap her in his shoving his hand in her mouth, which I said "don't do that she has teeth she'll bite you" so we start driving and I can see him corner of my eye trying to touch her. I look round to try and speak to him to distract him. We get onto the motorway my sister in law chatting away. I then hear my little girl scream (which she never screams, happiest little soul) so I turn, he's again ragging her arms and shaking her car seat. Only so much I can lean from the front seat to the back to comfort her, she's screaming still. Still on the motorway and my sister in law is telling him stop. I get her out and her face is bright red from screaming, I comfort her before putting her in the pram. Once I've put her in her pram her eye is just streaming with water, so take a closer look and he's poked her in the eye good and proper. Hence the scream. Her eye was bloodshot. I was furious in all honesty.

When I say how I feel about this I get the "oh he's only 2" which I get completely. But it's like he guns for my little girl soon as he sees her. He's in her face, grabbing her arms, squeezing her hands. And it's got to the point now where he just comes near her and she'll cry and it breaks my heart because all she wants to do is sit and play nicely but I have to keep removing her before he seriously hurts her.

I really don't know if I'm being dramatic and I feel awful feeling this way towards a 2 year old child, but he really really infuriates me

@zmq3Zm96uijcs2c this is exactly how I'm trying to put my point across. And I agree 100% with this, gentle and kindness is taught. But have people jumping down my throat "you think you have it cracked" "come back in 18 months when your child doesn't listen"

My youngest is nearly 2 and an absolute terror. The most loving, sweet child then will just randomly bite or rag your hair. I would never leave her with a baby without me RIGHT there, just would never risk it. She's got 2 baby cousins and she's never hurt them. Your sister in law sounds useless and annoying. Some kids are wild and if you have a wild one you have to supervise them more, not make excuses. If my DD behaved like your nephew I'd be absolutely mortified

I’ve just had a quick scroll through the whole thread, since posting earlier on the first or second page, and there’s been a lot of back and forth and debating the whys and wherefores of this little boys behaviour but essentially it still just comes down to the fact you cannot control other people. You can’t make your sister in law parent the same way as you think is right, and you can’t make her discipline her son in the exact way you think is right, so you must simply focus on that which you can control, which is keeping your little girl safe and taking steps to mitigate risks. If that means being a bit of a helicopter parent while your nephew is around, so be it.
There’s no need to ‘bite your tongue’ over things as straightforward as your nephew standing on your daughters hand, a simple ‘do be careful, Bruce, that was Jolene’s hand!’ and then, if necessary, just move her away.
It’s very hard when your first is so small, it can be quite difficult to understand the behaviour of older children and it can be very easy to judge the parenting of those older children, but again, it just comes back to focussing on your own and that which you can control.

Frankly? you need to get back to earning money and not relying on the goodwill of MIL so much. Because when she's back SIL will be there all the time.

I’m not normally one to say “pay for childcare “ as the answer to every in-law story, but you are spot on here.

You are right, gentleness and kindness is taught. That means it’s not abnormal appalling behaviour, it’s a child learning. Decide what you want to do about spending time with the in laws/ cousins, but don’t flatter yourself that if your baby is “gentle” (haha) then that’s because you’ve done a better job than the parents of toddlers.

@User359472111111 I don't need to pay for childcare as me and my partner are lucky enough our jobs work around her not going to nursery just yet. When I go back to work my partner will be here to look after her. Then I'll be here. We aren't asking or relying on anyone to have our child (I'm still on maternity leave which I'm not cutting short for others and also had 36 days holiday to use or I'd lose them)

Aren’t all babies gentle?

Quite.

Exactly, two year olds are unpredictable - and freakishly strong - they will do things that can hurt others. They don’t always listen. But they are small and portable; the parent removes them when they are being aggressive in the same way that they would physically step in to stop them running in the road or similar. Your nephew is being allowed to repeatedly hurt his cousin by his parent and that is unacceptable!

@Brefugee we aren't relying at all. My mother in law lives in Spain 6 months of the year, holidays in between that so she's in this house 3 months of the year basically. We aren't depending on her good will. We pay our way for the bills we use while here. We are here to save, which we are because the bills aren't as much as we did pay renting.

This, I agree with. Some of these incidents could have been prevented by either parent being more careful. And certainly would have had consequences in my house.

For people now going for the fact I now live at my mother in laws while we save to buy. Do you think if we lived here or had our own place (which we will once we save and it'll be this time next year or not far off) so if we lived in our own place this situation wouldn't happen? We'd still see them. They'd want to pop round, be in family gatherings ect. It's not where we live that's the problem here. People really do go in for the ankles don't they

@User359472111111 this is why I'm saying what I'm saying. I put it down to his age like everyone is saying, I watched, I've learned and the car incident was my limit. So as an adult I've now removed my little girl from his company when she doesn't need to be

Two year olds can be right little shits.
I wouldn’t bite my tongue, or leave it up to his mum to deal with. Be firm and loud without shouting: ‘NO, you DO NOT do that. It’s unkind’ and physically remove him. When he approaches your dd tell him in advance ‘be kind X. No ragging or pinching’
I wouldn’t blame you if you did stay away from him if he isn’t being properly parented. At this stage it isn’t him, it’s the parents not dealing with his behaviour. But that doesn’t mean your dd has to suck it up.

We aren't depending on her good will. We pay our way for the bills we use while here. We are here to save, which we are because the bills aren't as much as we did pay renting.

you really are depending on her goodwill though. and if she says "it's my house and SIL can come over whenever she likes"?

But your life. I wouldn't want to live like that

@Brefugee as I've said, she's here 3 months out of the year. She's basically our landlord. We are both helping each other really. That was our solution to my partner taking his new job and moving here so we can buy. She doesn't say what we can and can't do while she's not here and she doesn't do that while she's here either. Can I just say we've lived here for a month, not years.

If you have to spend time with him I'd make a HUGE fuss of him when he does something nice and a HUGE fuss of your dd if he does something horrid to her. Or show him how to be gentle (by taking his hand and patting your dd with it and making a huge fuss of him while he's doing it, and every other time he pats her gently too). But in all honesty, it's his own mum who needs to step up and intervene. (Although I have no regrets about telling my nieces and nephews off/ praising them when they were that age.)

One of your previous comments: “As for spending time with them, as we have moved from where I'm from in Liverpool to where my partner is from in wales we are currently living at my mother in laws while they are in their holiday home in Spain. So my sister in laws pop on, sometimes tell me prior, sometimes just walk on in. So that's the catch I have with the time now it's getting closer to my mother in law coming back when summer starts as she babysits both 2 year old and the 9 month old sibling as the 2 year old isn't being accepted into nursery.”

You’ve posted on a board called ‘Am I being unreasonable’. People aren’t ‘going for the ankles’, they’re posting comments with responses that are based upon the information that you’ve already given.

And yes, you’d still see them, but it wouldn’t be in the same arena/on the same terms as you living at your MIL’s. Your SIL is entitled to see her MIL, who also provides childcare for her children (her grandchildren). While it is your home for the time being, your extended family is clearly used to visiting the home too.

YANBU, he sounds like a little sod.

And what will all the ‘oh don’t be unreasonable, he’s only two, he has to learn’ brigade say when he puts another child’s eye out? Who cares? Just make sure it’s not your daughters eye.

No one has said they don't care he's hurt OPs DD or that he should be allowed to continue because he's 2. Not one posters.

All people are saying is that he's also not a sadistic bully, who's abusing OPs daughter because he's just a mean, horrid child with intrusive thoughts. That is just utter dramatics and over the top ridiculousness when we are talking about a 2 year old child. It's fucking scary actually that people think 2 year olds are knowingly capable of being sadistic bullies.

This child isn't doing anything abnormal is what posters are saying, and the fault doesn't lie with him, he's not a horrid child just because he is displaying very normal and common toddler behaviours. His parents need to deal with and OP to an extent too if she insists on having her DD around them.

I have a larger than average family. Currently, they range in age from adults to single digits.

And the wide range of toddler behaviour... hoo boy.

One of my kids was the most reasonable toddler EVER. They'd start to get frustrated, and would go to their room for alone time. AT TWO. Put themselves down for a nap. Freakishly well behaved in so many ways. Same kid I had to chase barefoot through the snow while his sibling was still nursing, b/c they decided they had to go to the park, rightthisverynow. That's how I found out they could flip the deadbolt and open the outside door.

I've had toddlers who hit, bit and spit. Who climbed counters and cupboards to get at nail polish remover to take a swig while I was in the bathroom. Who painted the dog, stood naked on the porch singing to neighbours, who stood on a sibling's head. (Fun thing: I put the kid on time out, and the OTHER kid told me I was the meanest Mommy ever for putting their sibling on time out. I was like, "THEY WERE STANDING ON YOUR HEAD!" and the kid was all, "YOU'RE SO MEAN!"). One of my kids had a complete ever loving meltdown b/c "Daddy made me ugly" when their outfit didn't match.

So far, none of them have gotten into crime, drugs, or other addictions. Compliments from adults in their lives about how well behaved they are, how polite and considerate. And the kid who lost their snot over not matching? Ha. Rarely even wears matching socks now, completely has their own sense of style, and is an artist.

Kids are weird. Toddlers are chaos. As a parent, you do your best to guide and mold that chaos. As my husband puts it, "Children are feral. You just do your best to turn them human."

@GirlMamaxo

Message the boys parents and say u til his behaviour improves you feel it would be better if you didn't meet up

Job done ✅