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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say my partners nephews annoys me

199 replies

GirlMamaxo · 16/01/2023 00:17

Before I start this, I just want to state I know this is a child.

My partners 2 year old nephew really really annoys me, slightly angers me. So we've recently moved to be closer to family. My little girl, who is 8 months old has been has to my friends babies around her, or just adults around her. All gentle playing and just nice surroundings. Now we've moved closer she sees her cousins a lot more which she isn't use to. They are all older, apart from one who is 9 days older than my little girl. There is a 3 year old and a 2 year old. The 2 year old is a boy. Now I'll get into the why he annoys me.

First occasion my little girl was in her jumper and I was watching her, he went over and ragged my little girls hands from what she was holding onto. I said be gentle and I just kept watching, he did it again so I removed my little girl to hold her away.

Second occasion, she was playing with her toy. He comes right in her face and again rags her hands off the toy. Again have to remove my little girl away.

Third occasion, Christmas Day. I was changing her and he came over to her so I kept close eye. I then put her on the floor so I could bag up the nappy, he was so close to pushing her over before he was stopped by his parents who told me "just don't trust him around her" he then comes over a few moments later when she's on my partners lap, cuddles her, then looks me dead in the eye and pinched the back of her neck. To which she screams.

Fourth occasion, I went to the retail park with my sister in law (his mum) and she offered to drive. So my daughter is in the car seat by the window, he is in his car seat in the middle and the baby same age as my little girl is next to the other window. Firstly soon as I strap her in his shoving his hand in her mouth, which I said "don't do that she has teeth she'll bite you" so we start driving and I can see him corner of my eye trying to touch her. I look round to try and speak to him to distract him. We get onto the motorway my sister in law chatting away. I then hear my little girl scream (which she never screams, happiest little soul) so I turn, he's again ragging her arms and shaking her car seat. Only so much I can lean from the front seat to the back to comfort her, she's screaming still. Still on the motorway and my sister in law is telling him stop. I get her out and her face is bright red from screaming, I comfort her before putting her in the pram. Once I've put her in her pram her eye is just streaming with water, so take a closer look and he's poked her in the eye good and proper. Hence the scream. Her eye was bloodshot. I was furious in all honesty.

When I say how I feel about this I get the "oh he's only 2" which I get completely. But it's like he guns for my little girl soon as he sees her. He's in her face, grabbing her arms, squeezing her hands. And it's got to the point now where he just comes near her and she'll cry and it breaks my heart because all she wants to do is sit and play nicely but I have to keep removing her before he seriously hurts her.

I really don't know if I'm being dramatic and I feel awful feeling this way towards a 2 year old child, but he really really infuriates me

OP posts:
StarsSand · 16/01/2023 08:29

GirlMamaxo · 16/01/2023 08:10

@StarsSand I'm not powerless with my own child, that's why I remove her. I'm powerless with him as he's not my child to discipline. So that's why the situation is the way it is and the way I feel. I'm aware he's 2. He's also not my 2 year old

He's your nephew, he's visiting your home. You can tell him no, you can walk him back to his mother, you can pick your daughter up off the floor until he leaves, you can say 'Bobby, no touching DD she's too little.' 'Bobby if you touch in again Mummy will have to take you home' and then you can say in a clear voice 'Sorry SIL, Bobby is being a bit rough today, let's call it a day for now. Shall I help you carry the baby to the car?'

You can fuss and fume about what SIL should be doing but it won't solve your problem.

You have control here, use it.

SerialFaffer · 16/01/2023 08:30

No prizes for guessing what the divide is between these comments.

So does nephew’s parents have both your nephew have both nephew and the baby who’s a few months older than yours? If so, so they’re responsible for the care, safety etc etc of both children, PLUS yours too? Sure, they do need to be keeping an eye out, but equally you need to understand the situation too. Just keep an eye on your daughter, pick her up when needed and remember that he’s 2 - he looks much bigger and has more ability than your daughter, but he’s still very, very young and doesn’t yet have the capacity to understand that these things are not ok.

You do sound very precious. You’ll understand once your daughter is two…

TerraNostra · 16/01/2023 08:30

we are currently living at my mother in laws while they are in their holiday home in Spain. So my sister in laws pop on, sometimes tell me prior, sometimes just walk on in. So that's the catch I have with the time now it's getting closer to my mother in law coming back when summer starts as she babysits both 2 year old and the 9 month old sibling

I hate to break it to you, but it’s only 16th if January. Summer is not remotely close!
All the kids involved will be very different in 6 months’ time.

You said that the 2 year old wasn’t being accepted into nursery. Is this for behavioural reasons?

I think your only solution is to keep your daughter and the boy apart, but as tactfully as you can so as not to fall out with your SIL. That might mean you are less able to bond with her over cosy chats but time will probably improve this and will get better as they get older. Maybe MIL can help with the behaviour when she eventually gets back?

YourPositionInTheQueueIs10292 · 16/01/2023 08:31

Okay I think in this situation I'd be more annoyed at the parents for not stepping in and age appropriately disciplining their child.

There does need to be some understanding though here that this is likely a phase (and one your own DD may also go through), 2 year olds aren't mean, they don't yet fully understand and pushing/snatching/hitting/biting is a common phase until they start to learn or be taught more appropriate behaviour. As I say, you may find your own daughter is the one 'ragging' other kids in no time at all.

PPs suggesting they stopped cousins from every being together again even as the kids grew up is a ridiculous to me. The child is 2. I wouldn't base future interactions on a 2 year olds behaviour.

You're absolutely within your rights though to remove your DD if your nephews parents aren't doing enough to tackle this behaviour.

My youngest went through a bit of a pushing phase, never terrible but he would push sometimes. It was me who used to hover over him, I wouldn't expect other kids parents to have to hover over their children.

Justalittlebitduckling · 16/01/2023 08:33

I think you need to reduce the amount of time you spent with them if it’s hurting your daughter. Or if the parents don’t respond to his behaviour, respond instead and risk falling out over it.

OfCourseChangs · 16/01/2023 08:34

See I can clearly remember being 2 and how I felt at the time. We moved house and I was forced to go to a nursery at one point where they made me sit on a potty to my horror. Most people apparently don’t have memories that go back to such a very young age and in such detail. I also remember when I was 3 and my younger sister arriving home hating her on sight. I think toddlers are more conscious of what they are doing than people think.

That same little sister had two sons and as much as MN will not like this from very small children there was something massively off with them. I used to babysit and they were just incredibly manipulative and not nice even as tiny children. They are now both convicted criminals and that part of my family was cut off by me many years ago.

Hoplesscynic · 16/01/2023 08:35

Silentsalamander · 16/01/2023 08:20

Yes, abused. She is being pinched and poked in the eye until it is bloodshot. That’s abuse. I don’t know why everyone is saying “he’s 2” that’s no excuse. If the parent of him got mad enough, he wouldn’t do it. He’s tested boundaries and seen his parents don’t do anything. It’s not just jealousy of “new child” the OP already said he’s kicked a random child in the head at soft play. He’s clearly got some issues, why won’t anyone discipline their children??!

I feel so bad for OP’s little girl, she’s being bullied horribly.

This
OP you need to stop having the nephew around your baby. He is "only 2" but surely he sees that what he does hurts and makes children cry. I can't believe he kicks and hits other children (softplay incident) and his mum doesn't care to properly punish him. Even admitting he had a "smirk", wtaf?
I have children and friends with children, honestly never seen any of them behaving this way. But if they did I'd be horrified and making it a priority that I discipline this kind of nastiness out of them.

Weddi · 16/01/2023 08:37

I would see red, honestly and I wouldn’t want my baby to be near him again. Not until he learns boundaries anyway. I have a 2 year old and I’d be mortified if he hurt a little baby.

euff · 16/01/2023 08:39

Yes he's only 2 however if they said he can't be trusted around your child then they fully know what he is like. They are making it your responsibility to protect your child from him rather than them making sure he isn't a risk to your child. This would piss me off no end. If you are trying to change her nappy and he's approaching call out for someone to keep him away. Can someone deal with x so I can get on with this?

I would do exactly what they are making you do and make sure you are not in the same car with him or going on outing with them where it is all on you to watch both children like a hawk to make sure your child doesn't end up hurt. You will be called unreasonable and overreacting but who cares. Also put her in some kind of martial arts/ self defence class as soon as she's old enough Wink

StarsSand · 16/01/2023 08:39

Honestly the people on this thread projecting some kind of criminal intent onto a two year old is ridiculous.

Two year olds are cognitively incapable of understanding on a moral level that it is wrong to hurt someone.

The two year old is being two. The adults need to adult.

Ruffpuff · 16/01/2023 08:41

I would be irritated with him, it’s natural because she’s your child and still just a baby. However, this is quite typical for a 2 year old and doesn’t menan he’s a demon child (even if you feel that way- haha I would). Also, if a 2 year old can successfully shake a car seat then it’s not installed properly.

NormalNans · 16/01/2023 08:43

StarsSand · 16/01/2023 08:29

He's your nephew, he's visiting your home. You can tell him no, you can walk him back to his mother, you can pick your daughter up off the floor until he leaves, you can say 'Bobby, no touching DD she's too little.' 'Bobby if you touch in again Mummy will have to take you home' and then you can say in a clear voice 'Sorry SIL, Bobby is being a bit rough today, let's call it a day for now. Shall I help you carry the baby to the car?'

You can fuss and fume about what SIL should be doing but it won't solve your problem.

You have control here, use it.

Show quote history

I’m quoting this as it is probably the most sensible post on this thread and want to make sure the OP sees it

Original poster
GirlMamaxo · 16/01/2023 08:44

@TerraNostra they are back in March, so maybe summer was a bit of a stretch. Let's say spring time

OP posts:
GerbilsForever24 · 16/01/2023 08:46

Yes, he's only 2 and doesn't know any better. However, using that as an excuse simply allows the behaviour to continue and 5 years later, you will find yourself in a situation where he hurts her again and it will be chalked up to an "accident" or "rough play". Again.

I'm sorry. You will need to distance yourself a bit I suspect. At some point, you can try what we did which was that we agreed that if our DD was hurt we would leave. we were absolutely accused of being drama queens etc but the child involved learnt the lesson: hurt our DD and we will all leave. Which he doesn't like as he likes us being around.

Unfortunately, parents like this don't seem to have the ability to separate intent and consequences. So if they don't MEAN to hurt you, then it doesn't count. I'm not sure DS, who was kicked in the face last week, would agree.

Original poster
GirlMamaxo · 16/01/2023 08:54

@GerbilsForever24 that's exactly my thoughts. It's all "he's 2 now" "he's jealous of a new sibling" which I find bizarre btw. Why does he need to be mean and rough with his new sibling. They put the new baby to bed at midnight so they can spend time with him and so he can play freely. They are living their life around the 2 year old. The day is about him from the moment he wakes up till he goes to sleep. My sister in law has them all day as my brother in law works away and is home on the weekends. My brother in law actually tells him off when he's been there. My sister in law actually admitting he's her favourite child says it all really. She knows he's naughty but he can also do no wrong in her eyes.

My little girl cried the other day when she was on the floor playing because the 2 year old stepped on her hand. She saw it and said "why are you crying, no one is near you" and o have to bloody bite my tongue

OP posts:
NormalNans · 16/01/2023 08:56

You don’t have to bite your tongue. What an odd thing to say. In this situation you say ‘actually Charlie stood on her hand. Charlie, you need to be careful’ and if he does it again you follow the advice given upthread, warning then play date finishes if Charlie can’t play safely

Original poster
GirlMamaxo · 16/01/2023 08:57

@NormalNans I've tried all these tactics. I've got on the floor with them both, showed him how to play gentle with the baby. Played with toys myself so he can watch and hopefully learn. It goes over his head and he just what's to chuck a toy or throw it. We even tried putting him on his own playmat with toys and he had my sisters in law phone to watch. He stayed all of 5 minutes, saw the babies were playing and he got up and screamed, chucked the phone directly where the babies were playing. To which I stood up and I said "that's not nice and we don't do that" my sister in law picked up the phone and gave him the phone back

OP posts:
GCWorkNightmare · 16/01/2023 09:00

So that's the catch I have with the time now it's getting closer to my mother in law coming back when summer starts as she babysits both 2 year old and the 9 month old sibling as the 2 year old isn't being accepted into nursery.

what’s the “not accepted into nursery” about?

GerbilsForever24 · 16/01/2023 09:00

Yes, agree, biting your tongue is a mistake. However, you have to accept that they will not see it your way. But prepare a few stock phrases in advance - i wish we'd thought of this much earlier than we did. eg, "DD has been hurt, it doesn't matter if he did it on purpose or not, I need to keep her safe" as you remove her. And DO remove her while making it clear why. We removed DD but didn't make it clear and were mostly just treated like we were a) over reacting and/or b) allowing DD to be rude.

NormalNans · 16/01/2023 09:00

So you explain to her, away from him, that this isn’t working and agree a strategy between you. He’s two, and he’s not going to behave perfectly but you and your sister in law aren’t actually dealing with it.

Original poster
GirlMamaxo · 16/01/2023 09:00

NormalNans · 16/01/2023 08:56

You don’t have to bite your tongue. What an odd thing to say. In this situation you say ‘actually Charlie stood on her hand. Charlie, you need to be careful’ and if he does it again you follow the advice given upthread, warning then play date finishes if Charlie can’t play safely

I'm trying to avoid falling outs with family. As I've said they are very close knit. I do bite my tongue for now, but not forever. I just comfort and remove my daughter in that situation. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place currently. Living somewhere new, fitting into this family who is so in each others pockets almost which im not use too at all. Along with being a first time mum, adjusting. It's a lot of change

OP posts:
StarsSand · 16/01/2023 09:01

GirlMamaxo · 16/01/2023 08:54

@GerbilsForever24 that's exactly my thoughts. It's all "he's 2 now" "he's jealous of a new sibling" which I find bizarre btw. Why does he need to be mean and rough with his new sibling. They put the new baby to bed at midnight so they can spend time with him and so he can play freely. They are living their life around the 2 year old. The day is about him from the moment he wakes up till he goes to sleep. My sister in law has them all day as my brother in law works away and is home on the weekends. My brother in law actually tells him off when he's been there. My sister in law actually admitting he's her favourite child says it all really. She knows he's naughty but he can also do no wrong in her eyes.

My little girl cried the other day when she was on the floor playing because the 2 year old stepped on her hand. She saw it and said "why are you crying, no one is near you" and o have to bloody bite my tongue

Why on earth did you bite your tongue?

You could have used your tongue to say 'Shes crying because Nephew stepped on her. Please keep him from getting close again.'

And stop putting her within reach of him, how many times does the same thing have to happen to you?!

Just treat him like a puppy that hasn't been trained, assume he'll be boisterous, and keep her in your arms while they visit.

Alexandernevermind · 16/01/2023 09:03

Why did you bite your tongue? You are your baby's voice, and this is not the time to be polite.
I don't think the toddler is a little shit, I just think he is too big and rough for your baby girl, and not supervised or corrected enough. He is jealous because he has a new sister and new cousin who are getting attention now. I would tell the family he isn't allowed near her until he can be trusted to be kind.
Having the 3 babies on the back seat together was a huge mistake. You can't supervise properly from the front seat and the distraction of babies poking each other and screaming could have been fatal on the motorway.
In future you need to put your foot down.

Original poster
GirlMamaxo · 16/01/2023 09:04

@GerbilsForever24 trust me we've already been called over dramatic and it infuriates me. My little girl is my pride and joy and I'm bringing her up to be gentle and kind.

I honestly feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Mainly because I felt like I couldn't say something, just protect my daughter and remove her. But taking on all advice saying something might not be the worse in the world. But again, I don't think I'll choose to be in their company if I don't have to be. My partner feels the same. He's not witnessed it as he's in work when they come round. But I sure as hell tell him about it and I do expect him to say something if he sees it as he's their blood uncle, I'm just by law

OP posts:
StarsSand · 16/01/2023 09:05

@GirlMamaxo

I relate, a new family, new place and finding your feet as a mum can be hard.

Can I suggest you reframe it and see that it is also their job to fit in with you. If you're not comfortable, then say so. You think it's your job to be keeping the peace but it isn't peaceful for you. It's making you very stressed.

Your first duty is to DD. You don't need to be rude, just clear.