AIBU to say my partners nephews annoys me

[GirlMamaxo]

Before I start this, I just want to state I know this is a child.

My partners 2 year old nephew really really annoys me, slightly angers me. So we've recently moved to be closer to family. My little girl, who is 8 months old has been has to my friends babies around her, or just adults around her. All gentle playing and just nice surroundings. Now we've moved closer she sees her cousins a lot more which she isn't use to. They are all older, apart from one who is 9 days older than my little girl. There is a 3 year old and a 2 year old. The 2 year old is a boy. Now I'll get into the why he annoys me.

First occasion my little girl was in her jumper and I was watching her, he went over and ragged my little girls hands from what she was holding onto. I said be gentle and I just kept watching, he did it again so I removed my little girl to hold her away.

Second occasion, she was playing with her toy. He comes right in her face and again rags her hands off the toy. Again have to remove my little girl away.

Third occasion, Christmas Day. I was changing her and he came over to her so I kept close eye. I then put her on the floor so I could bag up the nappy, he was so close to pushing her over before he was stopped by his parents who told me "just don't trust him around her" he then comes over a few moments later when she's on my partners lap, cuddles her, then looks me dead in the eye and pinched the back of her neck. To which she screams.

Fourth occasion, I went to the retail park with my sister in law (his mum) and she offered to drive. So my daughter is in the car seat by the window, he is in his car seat in the middle and the baby same age as my little girl is next to the other window. Firstly soon as I strap her in his shoving his hand in her mouth, which I said "don't do that she has teeth she'll bite you" so we start driving and I can see him corner of my eye trying to touch her. I look round to try and speak to him to distract him. We get onto the motorway my sister in law chatting away. I then hear my little girl scream (which she never screams, happiest little soul) so I turn, he's again ragging her arms and shaking her car seat. Only so much I can lean from the front seat to the back to comfort her, she's screaming still. Still on the motorway and my sister in law is telling him stop. I get her out and her face is bright red from screaming, I comfort her before putting her in the pram. Once I've put her in her pram her eye is just streaming with water, so take a closer look and he's poked her in the eye good and proper. Hence the scream. Her eye was bloodshot. I was furious in all honesty.

When I say how I feel about this I get the "oh he's only 2" which I get completely. But it's like he guns for my little girl soon as he sees her. He's in her face, grabbing her arms, squeezing her hands. And it's got to the point now where he just comes near her and she'll cry and it breaks my heart because all she wants to do is sit and play nicely but I have to keep removing her before he seriously hurts her.

I really don't know if I'm being dramatic and I feel awful feeling this way towards a 2 year old child, but he really really infuriates me

He* not it obviously!

Yes, I agree with you, it’s up to the parents to be parents/the adults in all this - and, where needed, the OP too. My point is that the OP is coming at this from the “it’s like he has intrusive thoughts” angle, rather than a proportionate ‘my nephew is being a two year old and his parents need to do a better job of parenting him’ angle. Maybe if the whole post could be reframed as a ‘AIBU to find my SIL/BIL’s parenting irritating’ perhaps…

@YourPositionInTheQueueIs10292 please tell me again where I have said my child won't display the same behaviours? I've simply said if she does I'll correct them. Christ, have a cuppa, it's okay😂

The two year old is being two. The adults need to adult.

yep. The problem i had with older children and my babies was the parents weren't parenting.
It is EXHAUSTING having a toddler and an 8 month old. Absolutely relentless, the toddler, the baby, the toddler, the baby, the toddler, the baby...
and if something happens (toddler pinches another baby) you have to intervene. But the parent of that baby also need to do their part.

This batshit reluctance to even speak to another person's child is harmful. We all have a part to play. In this case? you can head toddler off at the pass if you see them homing in on the baby, take them back to their parent, remove your baby - remove yourself and baby with a "it's too much today, see you ... whenever". There are lots of things you can do.

And when yours is 2? You'll be exhausted to - but hopefully you won't have forgotten how stressful it is to be the mother of the baby.

As a mother, I couldn’t care what age he was this behaviour is awful and his parents need to step up. If my daughter was doing this I would be mortified and I’d certainly never use the age excuse!

I knew two boys like this (completely unrelated to each other) when they were two. Every time they were near my child, they were very aggressive towards him, for example one of them slammed a wooden brick on his head, the other would hit him and push him over.

I still know them both now and they are lovely teenagers; polite, kind, gentle. Two year old "bully" doesn't equal adult psychopath.

Toddlers have no impulse control. This develops later.

Keep your daughter safe from him for now, but don't burn your bridges.

Incidentally, I remember the horror when my first born was bitten at a baby and toddler group. It's awful and I understand who upsetting this is for you.

Your daughter? Surely you meant to say ’my little girl’? 😂

Maybe if the whole post could be reframed as a ‘AIBU to find my SIL/BIL’s parenting irritating’ perhaps…

Yes, fair point. DH and I have spent a lot of time reminding ourselves it's not nephew but SIL (and BIL - but that's another story) that are the problem.

What?

The next time he does it- you need to speak up and tell his family to start saying 'no' in a form voice and time outs. He knows what he is doing. He is looking for your reaction. If they don't tell him, you be firm and shout at him 'no- go away you're not being very nice' and if they have a problem with that, they can leave. My nephew used to really hurt my son who was 3 months younger than him. Proper testing boundaries and I actually had enough and shouted at him and removed him from my son's way.

@PatientlyWaiting21 the petty people are awake🫠 apparently I say "my little girl" to much. God forbid

Op has written ’my little girl’ so many times it’s hard to count. Instead of just ’my daughter’. Sorry, I just found it a bit annoying..

Jeez, some people have too much time on their hands!!

Do I think strapping your daughter into car seat next to each other when you and his parents KNOW there is a problem is ok? No.

Do I think that having your daughter’s car seat incorrectly installed so that it can be shaken is ok? No.

Do I think that it’s ok for his parents to be doing lax job of parenting him and managing his behaviour? No.

Do I think that children hurting other children is ok? Again, no.

Do I think you criminalising a two year old due to the failure and lack of responsibility of the adults around him is ok? No.

@SerialFaffer omg now I'm an incorrect car seat installer😂😂

@Hyggetur when you get annoyed then, stop reading. That's okay

@PatientlyWaiting21 I agree😂 she is my little girl. Shall I call her something else to not annoy others? She's little, she's mine and she's a girl

You know what is also annoying? The hysterically laughing emoji you put after your own bad 'joke'.

Oh I've just re read and seen the comment about a 2 year old having intrusive thoughts. Christ alive.

Seriously OP you don't have a clue. Your not wrong to be upset your daughter is hurt, and you wouldn't be wrong to say something to SIL / age appropriately to your nephew.

But yes, criminalising a 2 year old for normal 2 year old behaviour when you are allowing it to continue (i.e. setting the poor kid up to fail) is ridiculous. And you can say 'when have I said my daughter won't behave the same' but it's clear as bloody day you don't think she will and that this particular two year old is just mean and abusive with intrusive thoughts.

You're not wrong*

Hitting, pushing, biting, snatching, whatever, are all normal phases for toddlers to go through

Calling this sort of behaviour a phase may be one of the issues in raising kids that bully others.

It is not a ‘phase’ as that implies something we as adults have no influence over. As parents we should have huge influence over our children’s behaviour.

Setting and enforcing clear boundaries over what behaviour is acceptable and what isn’t is our job. Allowing children to hurt others because ‘it’s just a phase’ or ‘he is only two’ is not ok.

You are not being unreasonable op, you are rightly protecting your child from a boy who clearly has inadequate boundaries set by his parents.

I disagree saying it's a phase means adults don't have to do anything at all to influence or guide said behaviour.

A phase is a period of development which this is for lots of normal 2 year olds.

The point being that just because he does this now doesn't mean he's just a horrible boy who's mean and always will be. It's a normal phase, stage, developmental period or whatever else you want to call it. And we as parents are the ones responsible for guiding them appropriately through it.

I would care too much about you snatching as that's normal and your child will be doing that too. It's very much, I want this, I grab it at 2.

In regards to poking, pinching etc, it's like everyone here makes your nephew to be out to be naughty and you're saying you're annoyed by him but he's 2 and every child's character is different. He obviously has to fend for attention when there are already 2 of them at home. This should be all about his parents and how they manage the situation. The child should receive 0 blame or judgement. A 2 year old is absolutely innocent, not a bad bone in a 2 year old.

I have quite gentle souls but if you don't, it doesn't mean your child is bad. It's all about how you manage it.

I think one of the problems is that living in your MiLs home, you can’t keep your SiL away. I would seriously think about looking for somewhere to rent, and tell everyone why. This child may be only 2 but he is deliberately targeting your daughter and it’s only a matter of time before he really hurts her. And SiL sounds like a waste of space regarding her precious boy….
Its really hard in close families but he sounds like a bit of a pampered prince, and he knows that he’s going to get away with it.
I hope you are not planning to leave your daughter with MiL and this horrid child when you go back to work?