AIBU to say my partners nephews annoys me

[GirlMamaxo]

Before I start this, I just want to state I know this is a child.

My partners 2 year old nephew really really annoys me, slightly angers me. So we've recently moved to be closer to family. My little girl, who is 8 months old has been has to my friends babies around her, or just adults around her. All gentle playing and just nice surroundings. Now we've moved closer she sees her cousins a lot more which she isn't use to. They are all older, apart from one who is 9 days older than my little girl. There is a 3 year old and a 2 year old. The 2 year old is a boy. Now I'll get into the why he annoys me.

First occasion my little girl was in her jumper and I was watching her, he went over and ragged my little girls hands from what she was holding onto. I said be gentle and I just kept watching, he did it again so I removed my little girl to hold her away.

Second occasion, she was playing with her toy. He comes right in her face and again rags her hands off the toy. Again have to remove my little girl away.

Third occasion, Christmas Day. I was changing her and he came over to her so I kept close eye. I then put her on the floor so I could bag up the nappy, he was so close to pushing her over before he was stopped by his parents who told me "just don't trust him around her" he then comes over a few moments later when she's on my partners lap, cuddles her, then looks me dead in the eye and pinched the back of her neck. To which she screams.

Fourth occasion, I went to the retail park with my sister in law (his mum) and she offered to drive. So my daughter is in the car seat by the window, he is in his car seat in the middle and the baby same age as my little girl is next to the other window. Firstly soon as I strap her in his shoving his hand in her mouth, which I said "don't do that she has teeth she'll bite you" so we start driving and I can see him corner of my eye trying to touch her. I look round to try and speak to him to distract him. We get onto the motorway my sister in law chatting away. I then hear my little girl scream (which she never screams, happiest little soul) so I turn, he's again ragging her arms and shaking her car seat. Only so much I can lean from the front seat to the back to comfort her, she's screaming still. Still on the motorway and my sister in law is telling him stop. I get her out and her face is bright red from screaming, I comfort her before putting her in the pram. Once I've put her in her pram her eye is just streaming with water, so take a closer look and he's poked her in the eye good and proper. Hence the scream. Her eye was bloodshot. I was furious in all honesty.

When I say how I feel about this I get the "oh he's only 2" which I get completely. But it's like he guns for my little girl soon as he sees her. He's in her face, grabbing her arms, squeezing her hands. And it's got to the point now where he just comes near her and she'll cry and it breaks my heart because all she wants to do is sit and play nicely but I have to keep removing her before he seriously hurts her.

I really don't know if I'm being dramatic and I feel awful feeling this way towards a 2 year old child, but he really really infuriates me

He is 2, still a baby himself and seems huge compared to your baby
It's the parents not the toddler who are at fault.

What do you do?
Simple:

1. stop spending time with them. It sounds like you spend way too much time with them.

1. When in their company, don't leave your DD alone with nephew.

1. Remember this situation when your DD is 2 and interacting with a smaller child/baby.

Honestly, 'don't trust him' is sound advice when dealing with a toddler, imo. Tiny agents of whirling chaos and destruction, who have zero sense of self preservation. If they're not attempting to do something dangerous to another child or pet, they're figuring out inventive ways to do themselves in.

Toddlers simply don't get it. They have no empathy, generally speaking. The world is an ongoing science experiment to them, and everyone, including themselves, are lab rats. "I pinched her and she screamed. Will she do it again?" "Oh, the adults paid attention when I did that, what happens if I do this?"

That's why parents and caregivers exist. To keep the toddlers from destroying themselves and others, and hopefully not end up in a cardiac unit themselves by the time the kid hits school age.

He's not a bad kid. He's not malicious. He simply needs to learn what's okay and what isn't.

I'm NOT saying your kid should be his learning tool, however. It's perfectly reasonable to not do playdates for a while, and allow his parents some time to teach him not to hurt babies. He will get there (unless they're completely useless, which it doesn't sound like they are).

Just keep in mind, your daughter isn't going to be tiny forever. One day, she may be the one poking, biting, or deciding that sticking a fork in a microwave and turning it on is a good idea (even though she'd never paid any attention to the dang thing before, and you'd have sworn she didn't know how, and couldn't even reach it).

Have a little grace, is what I'm saying. It's perfectly reasonable to not like the child's BEHAVIOUR, but don't confuse that with the child himself.

What is 'ragging'?

Honestly, with compassion, you're getting really worked up about this as though you're powerless- he's two!

You know what he's like, why did you strap your daughter into a seat next to him? What did you think would happen?

Have a frank talk to his mother- please watch him, he's too rough and seems to be going for DD at the moment. I'm sure he'll grow out of it soon and they can all play together then.

Don't put her down near him. Just don't.

If he's coming up to her, take his hand 'no Billy, she's too little to play' and walk him back to his parents 'please keep an eye on billy, I just intervened before he got to DD'

Don't get annoyed at a two year old. He's two it makes you seem ridiculous. Also that's exactly what he wants.

Just be frank with the parents.

But don't burn bridges over this. In the blink of an eye they will be four and five, and DD might be the one tormenting him, knocking over his Lego or poking his cat.

This is temporary. Just keep her on your lap while you visit for now.

YANBU this it's completely unacceptable. Either you need to stop seeing them or you need to have a conversation with your sister in law about what she is going to do to protect ur daughter. Lots of posters saying its normal but actually its not, most toddlers do not prod other children in the eye to hurt them and if they did their parents wouldn't allow them to. Keep her away.

What is ragging? The other mum needs to be more hands-on with her child. Yes, she can't keep her two kids apart all day, but what she can do is she can be teaching her older child how to play gently with the younger child. Poking other kids in the eye is something that some kids do at this age. They want to know what happens when you touch the shiny part or something. You don't have to take it personally but you do have to prevent it. Just as you have to prevent them breaking each other's eardrums by screaming in each other's ears, or feeding each other their grandma's heart medication because it's such a pretty pink color. Just think of it as another aspect of babyproofing. One tool you can use, is instead of "Don't do x," you use, "Do Y." So show how to give gentle touches and reward him with attention when he does that. Reduce/eliminate opportunities for rough play and if there is roughness then remove baby without giving attention to the child who did the rough behavior. Minimise giving of orders and instructions as it may activate strong-willed behavior. Instead, reward behaviors you want to see, by noticing them: Oh I saw how gently you played with your baby sister, she likes when you pat her gently; and you showed her your red car, what a bright red car it is!

I made a habit of checking in on my children and their friends when they thought no adult was looking. This would give me clues as to what they were likely to do when I was out of sight, and what they would admit to when they saw me. That way I could plan in advance to avoid those hazards.

In your case, the older child will poke the other kids if he is next to one in the car seat, this means you can't share cars to get somewhere. You have to take separate cars so there can be an empty space (or an adult) between him and the next kid.

Exactly this

I do get his behaviour can get on your nerves, there is normal 2 year old behaviour and there is worrying behaviour

But I also think you are coming across as 'my poor little precious princess who is so delicate'

As he grows she will grow and may not be the doll she is now

If I am with the 2yo and he did something I thought was over the top to a baby I would say something then an there but maybe minimising time with him if he is causing more worrying behaviour

@OptimusPrime31 I think it must be a scouse term since this is the third comment asking what ragging means😂 ragging means shoving, pulling, slamming her hands away

My niece was the same, I just didn't take my eyes off my DD when she was around her. Now they've grown up they get on amazingly.

A lot of mixed opinions here. First off I'm not silly enough to not know one day my little girl might be the same. I would like to hope not because I would teach her to be gentle, as I am now at her age. That's just my parenting, again I don't know what I'm doing I'm just winging parenting in all honesty. But I will always teach her kindness and to be gentle.

As for spending time with them, as we have moved from where I'm from in Liverpool to where my partner is from in wales we are currently living at my mother in laws while they are in their holiday home in Spain. So my sister in laws pop on, sometimes tell me prior, sometimes just walk on in. So that's the catch I have with the time now it's getting closer to my mother in law coming back when summer starts as she babysits both 2 year old and the 9 month old sibling as the 2 year old isn't being accepted into nursery.

I've stated I know he's 2, I am aware that is behaviour overload. But in my opinion I just think his behaviour is over the mark. I'll now tell a story my sister in law told me the other day. They were in soft play and a little girl came running out screaming and almost couldn't talk. She told her mum a little boy kicked her in the head and belly because she wouldn't give him her dummy. My sister in law saw the little girl point to her son, the 2 year old. Who was smirking at the top of the slide. She called him down and told him to say sorry and he didn't, so she took him out the play area. The mum of the little girl then had a go at my sister in law and she left, my sister in law then let my nephew back in the play area. She also admits he's her favourite child. Also thinks he has ADHD. So for me personally "my precious princess" is exactly that because I won't let her think that behaviour is okay

@Snowwhite83 I agree! This is my first child so don't get me wrong she might grow up and be the same. But I'll always teach her to be kind and gentle. But i have friends with children and not one of them has showed this behaviour. That's why it's taken me back a little bit and thought he just constantly goes for her and I've given it chance after chance for the reason people are saying, he's 2. But he's so bloody forceful

@aloris I've tried this, I say with them the other day and my daughter was playing with her ball and he again whipped it away from her. So I took it back and said "show her what to do, you teach her" interacting that. Or if she's on my lap and he grabs her hand I instantly say "be gentle. Okay nice she's only a little girl you're a big boy" I've tried all of that. Still will look me dead in the eye and pinch her or squeeze her hand. Again I say no. But what else can I do past saying no? He's not my child to discipline

You need to protect your little girl, a bloodshot eye? Are you serious. Even if that means family bonds being stressed. Your little girl needs you, she’s essentially being abused and if not protected may grow up with social anxiety amongst other problems if she doesn’t feel “safety” as one of her core memories. That two year old boy needs discipline

I think it is a Scouse term my family are all from Liverpool and I knew exactly what you meant it’s a word you hear a lot round here but I guess not everyone has heard of it before.

@StarsSand I'm not powerless with my own child, that's why I remove her. I'm powerless with him as he's not my child to discipline. So that's why the situation is the way it is and the way I feel. I'm aware he's 2. He's also not my 2 year old

Must be a northern term, we use it in Yorkshire as well

You have never forgotten? You say this as if you hold a grudge against a 20 year old for his behaviour when he was TWO?!

OP he’s a baby himself and has had to adjust to all the attention turning to his new sibling and now your daughter.

He will have picked up on the fact he gets a reaction from you too. Toddlers love reactions and don’t care whether they are good ones or bad ones!

I understand you wanting to protect your daughter that’s normal and that should be your focus but don’t feel cross towards a child who is still so little himself and can’t make sense of all his emotions. He’s not a monster. Toddlers do all sorts. And I hate to say it- wait til it’s your DD who is poking someone’s baby in the eye or biting another kid at playgroup!

Just keep her off the floor when he’s about and maybe gently ask his parents to keep an eye on him when the baby is about as you think he’s a bit jealous. Don’t frame it as him being naughty or aggressive as he really isn’t. You could try reading him a book when you have your DD on your lap to do something nice when they are together to try and help his jealousy.

Abused?! This thread is insane.

@Silentsalamander again, this is my fear. I don't want her thinking every social interaction is like that. She loves the car, loves being in the car watching out the window. Yesterday was the first time she was back in her car seat since the incident and could of just been a one time thing. But do you know what she did? Cried. I don't know if she thought "oh god this is where I got poked in the eye" but it really took me back. Again before anyone says, I know it could of just been a coincidence

I'm not powerless with my own child, that's why I remove her. I'm powerless with him as he's not my child to discipline.

In your shoes i wouldn't let my DD be in a position where i wasn't able to whip her away (so never ever being next to him in the back of a car.

If he pinches her like you describe: Don't do that again, you hurt her. Nobody likes being hurt, do they? If he is reaching out to touch her - move her away, if you can't, stop him touching her. If his parents won't do it, who will? You don't need to be rough, you need to speak firmly, move his arm gently etc

you just have to keep plugging away at it. But he sounds jealous and attention seeking, he went from only child to suddenly 2 babies around him a lot. It's a big change.

@Pinkyandtwerky I've tried showing him how to play with her. I've tried saying "she's a little baby so we have to be more gentle" and I also realise she's going to grow up and not be my little dolly. But I also won't allow her to think doing that to other children or her future siblings or cousins is okay. My friends have children and not once have any of them did this behaviour. That's my issue. Let me stress enough, it's not the little boy, it's the behaviour I have the problem with. And again I don't think this is normal 2 year old behaviour to constantly hurt others.

I think this is really sound, solid advice. Toddlers are little heathens sometimes, he’ll get through this phase.. and one day, to some extent, your little girl will be in this same phase too.
I would just limit any situation where you can’t be on top of this behaviour, like in the car. You knew she was well within his reach, you knew you couldn’t easily get to either of them and now you know for the future not to do that again. It’s all learning, for everyone involved.

Yes, abused. She is being pinched and poked in the eye until it is bloodshot. That’s abuse. I don’t know why everyone is saying “he’s 2” that’s no excuse. If the parent of him got mad enough, he wouldn’t do it. He’s tested boundaries and seen his parents don’t do anything. It’s not just jealousy of “new child” the OP already said he’s kicked a random child in the head at soft play. He’s clearly got some issues, why won’t anyone discipline their children??!

I feel so bad for OP’s little girl, she’s being bullied horribly.

Honestly I wouldn’t be letting them just pop in. Lock the door and don’t answer it.

If you have to let them in honestly to hell with pleasantry’s. He shakes your child, you remove his hands firmly not aggressively and tell him firmly we don’t do that we don’t put our hands on other people like that. Everytime he acts and hurts your child firm voice no we don’t do that, we don’t do that here, that’s not a kind thing to do etc.

yes he is only two years old so needs watching a lot but he should also be being taught how to behave by his parents and told off for less than desirable behaviour.

My children’s cousins are like this and they are younger than my child but they are whirlwinds of destruction and madness of which is mostly never reined in by the parents so I wouldn’t also expect that by 3/4/5 that it will of actually stopped or be better either. My children don’t actually like to be near them for much more than 5/10 minutes as the more time together the worse they seem to behave.

Fuck this be kind excuses. Remove and stop. We need I talk about Kevin (and possibly DH and family as they're doing FA).