It’s important for me to date intellectuals

[TheRightDecisions]

So I’m in a lesbian fledgling relationship, just a few months.

Today, my partner said that it had always been extremely important to her that she date what she called “intellectuals”. The thing is, I’m certain not one and never claimed to be…

She also said that her friend had told her she was being shallow to put an emphasis on that and that she should consider an emotional connection and some who is good and kind and sweet to her… basically her friend encouraged her to open her mind to dating me, my partner said.

I feel mortified and have ended the relationship today. I told her I did not want to be settled for, and that I didn’t want to be anyone’s compromise.

Apparently her former partners were high flying career “intellectuals”.

I feel deeply wounded and made to feel as though I’m not good enough or lesser than.

Am I being unreasonable?

My partner has said this is an extreme over reaction and I have said awful things and am being very harsh and judgemental, and she herself feels deeply hurt now.

Please help with some of your view points, or some comforting words. Thank you!

I do think perhaps you’re overreacting, but only you know how it was delivered. When I first met my Dh, I would have certainly said it was very important to me to date men with established careers who have tattoos and goatees.

When we met (I’m a bit older), Dh was still in uni, not especially career driven at the time (though he is now director of a very successful company that he started a few years after we met), has never had facial hair and no tattoos. He couldn’t have been more opposite ‘my type’. I’m sure we probably had this conversation because I found it just amusing to start that we somehow ended up together as he was complaining not what I’d been looking for. But I would have hoped I said it in a way that made it clear I knew how shallow and stupid I’d been. I was definitely really grateful that I gave the relationship a chance even when on the surface, we seemed an odd fit for each other.

Obviously only you know if she was being intentionally cruel or just didn’t say things as delicately as she should have.

*completely

Lucky escape imo

She sounds insufferably pretentious. I would have done exactly what you did.

I’d be more concerned that she told you this rather than her previous ideals.

Why did she tell you this? It's a cruel thing to say to your partner. I would have reacted the same as you. I'd feel she was basically telling you she doesn't think you're that intelligent. I agree with PP, lucky escape.

I would have taken it as a clumsy compliment myself. She has called you good and kind.

I mean, they mightve been intellectual but they werent right for her, were they? Surely she has qualities that are right for you that your exs didn't have too?

I think if you are this sensitive then you should work on yourself first before entering a relationship with anyone.

Are you sure she wasn’t implying you’re an intellectual too, but who is also good and sweet and kind to her?

I feel deeply wounded and made to feel as though I’m not good enough or lesser than.

Are these the ‘awful things’ she says you said that show you are ‘being very harsh and judgemental’? If yes, she is overreacting and sounds manipulative.

It's one thing someone saying that you weren't immediately obviously their type for whatever reasons rather than someone saying I used to date intelligent people.

That's as backhanded as can be

Oh bit harsh of your ex in that delivery imo. Is she an "intellectual" too that she set herself this bar?

Don't think any less of yourself for this harsh comment, I'm sure you have plenty to offer the RIGHT person.

you done the right thing! What an odd thing to say to someone. She sounds like a right plonker, hardly an intellectual herself.

Honestly anyone uttering the that phrase "I only date intellectuals" is clearly a nob. To then follow up with nonsense about how they are dating you despite you not being up their standards is at best rude and at worst starting off with the subtle put downs that preclude an abusive relationship.

I’ve in the past told friends that they are being too judgemental when considering dating but I would never expect them to say “I’m only dating you because …”

For someone who thinks she's an intellectual she's not very smart is she. You can end a relationship for any reason you like, she can't tell you you're wrong about your own feelings. Hopefully she can learn from this. It's not thinking it, it's saying it as it comes across as insulting your intelligence. People who describe themselves as intellectuals rather than academic tend to be boring and have quite dull interests. Lucky escape.

It sounds like a good idea that you broke up.

She's completely within her rights to have an intellectual type, but it wasn't nice at all to tell you that she was giving you a chance, as it were.

For me, I do need someone who will keep up with my pseudo-intellectual rambling, and I need to not have to mask my vocabulary in private. Those things don't make me better, just different, and nobody has to date anyone who makes them feel uncomfortable.

I'm suddenly reminded of the Adrian Mole quote 'I am an intellectual, but at the same time I am not very clever.'. Maybe your ex is an Adrienne Mole.

I have a close friend who tells everyone who will listen that she will only date (male) intellectuals. (She has been single (barring a few flings) for over 20 years and I can’t help wondering if the two things are connected).

Anyone who puts up that kind of a pretentious and arbitrarily judgmental barrier to meeting someone who is right for them is telling you more about themselves than about the people they date.

it also shows a remarkable lack of emotional intelligence. Relationships and love just don’t work like this.

Why do you feel you're a 'compromise' and have been 'settled for'? Aren't you rather diminishing yourself? This idea that you're somehow not as good because you're not an intellectual seems to be your issue in your head, not your partner's.

Of course, only you can know the tone of her conversation, but it does not read to me that she was in any way putting you down.

A similar experiences from the other side: before we started dating, dh's friends told him he had no hope with me because I would not date outside my religion. But I decided to open my mind and try with him. Have I put dh down in any way, or settled for something less because I rejected people like him in the past?

If the partner saw her at being of the correct intellectual standing there wouldn’t have been a conversation

Hard to judge without knowing more about the relationship tbh. Did you have fun together? Did you make each other other laugh? Did you share similar values and goals? To me, these are the things that make a relationship wo rk.

This is exactly how I read it… that she thought me not on her “leve”, that I should feel lucky to be allowed the great honour of approaching her lofty position, and that I should never forget our respective standings and status in life.

It was really like a punch to the solar plexus… even if someone felt that way… why on earth say it???

I’m still cringing from embarrassment and hurt.

Intellectual doesn't equal smart and your ex dp proves that. You either accept that she's emotionally thick and therefore didn't mean it, or walk away.

She sounds like a dick, tbh. I say that in a very intellectual fashion, of course.

I'm suddenly reminded of the Adrian Mole quote 'I am an intellectual, but at the same time I am not very clever.'. Maybe your ex is an Adrienne Mole.

This is exactly what I came to say!

Honestly you’ve dodged a bullet there. How utterly pretentious, shallow and up herself.

don’t go back op. You can do better. Let her go off and find some intellectual. She will soon find that doesn’t keep her warm in bed or laughing.