It’s important for me to date intellectuals

[TheRightDecisions]

So I’m in a lesbian fledgling relationship, just a few months.

Today, my partner said that it had always been extremely important to her that she date what she called “intellectuals”. The thing is, I’m certain not one and never claimed to be…

She also said that her friend had told her she was being shallow to put an emphasis on that and that she should consider an emotional connection and some who is good and kind and sweet to her… basically her friend encouraged her to open her mind to dating me, my partner said.

I feel mortified and have ended the relationship today. I told her I did not want to be settled for, and that I didn’t want to be anyone’s compromise.

Apparently her former partners were high flying career “intellectuals”.

I feel deeply wounded and made to feel as though I’m not good enough or lesser than.

Am I being unreasonable?

My partner has said this is an extreme over reaction and I have said awful things and am being very harsh and judgemental, and she herself feels deeply hurt now.

Please help with some of your view points, or some comforting words. Thank you!

Please don't feel embarrassed. She's the only one who should. Shes clearly lacking in emotionally intelligence to even think it's an acceptable thing to say to you.

I couldn’t be with someone so pretentious and superior either. It’s good that you found out now and not later. That she doesn’t understand how off putting her statement is shows that she doesn’t have much empathy.
I knew someone who put on their dating profile that she was an intellectual looking for another intellectual. Unfortunately she misspelled intellectual both times.

I think you are better off without her. She sounds hideous. How would you feel of She had said, "usually I only date really beautiful women, but I'm trying to make an exception with you"?

What does intellectual mean anyway? One can be smart and witty without being intellectuals. Most intellectuals are neither smart nor witty.

She's a frog op. 🐸 🐸 🐸. There are better people out there- keep kissing.

As an intellectual, I think you should say back to her, 'Sorry, I only date hot people usually, but I thought I'd be generous and give you a chance.'

She’s negging you. She’s a patronising narcissist who sees nothing wrong with putting you down to make herself feel big.

Who even thinks in those terms?! And who would even say that to a date? What a wanker, you’re well out of that one.

“Sorry but I only date polite caring people so clearly this isn’t going to work.”

She has apologised this afternoon and said she said it because she felt insecure about how she looks and so likes to put her intellect at the forefront. She said she “chats shit” sometimes and is very sorry to have hurt me.

I didn’t want to lie to her by saying I was over it and we could totally forget about it… it created a big doubt about what she really thought of me and why she was with me.

Then later she backtracked and tried to say she didn’t really say it like that… she did! And more than once! Including how her friend helped her change her mind!

She finished today with saying was it really a mystery or a secret that we had different lives and couldn’t we enjoy it or work through it somehow?

Well, you see, I never had a problem with our differences, I never actually dwelled on them really, they were a non issue to me, if anything, when her career came up, I just felt immensely proud of her and pleased, and she knows that! I have told her so several times.

I don’t really get this… what the hell happened!?

she sounds like she has disappeared up her own arse

She doesn't sound that intellectual to me. She sounds extremely childish.

And gauche and crass and insensitive.

Find someone who is more empathetic.

Anyone using intellectual in that context is a pretentious arse, and ime not the brightest. To some extent relationships do only tend to work long term if you’re relatively equal intelligence wise, but intelligence isn’t going about telling everyone how intellectual you are. Dp and I have deep, complex conversations and debates but as we’re evenly matched we’re also capable of reaching an impasse and solving it with childish insults and a food fight.
I would say you’ve had a lucky escape.

Yes! These are the so called “awful” things!

Bearing in mind, I never called her hurtful statements awful, I just said how I felt.

Now she is the one who is upset and has gone and is silent.
I would have continued a polite conversation, it’s not my style to ghost.

I think you're well rid for two reasons. First, she basically told you she thinks you're thick. Second, she has a very one-dimensional view of intelligence which suggests she has the unfortunate combination of being none too bright herself whilst also being an intellectual snob.

This made me laugh, and I didn’t think I was in a laughing mood tonight. Thanks!

Ugh. People describing themselves as intellectuals gives me the ick. It just sounds so elitist and patronising. I really don’t like that she can’t manage you expressing feeling hurt without making about her. She sounds very weird and I think you should run !!!

'Pandora! I adore ya! I implore ye, don't ignore me'.

'I wrote it with my left hand so she wouldn't know it was from me ...'

Is she Dutch? Her perception of what intelligence should look like sounds very Dutch - one dimensional and everyone should only date people at their 'level'
I say this as a Dutch person who moved away

Either way, you're well rid, what a manipulate twat.

Nope, I wouldn't be happy with that, and there is no explaining that makes it better. I only date intellectuals, but my fiends advised me to dumb down my criteria and I met you, aren't you lucky....... that wouldn't sit well with me, and I'd find it highly insulting.

I don’t blame you, OP, the fact she told you this smacks of trying to undermine you and damage your self esteem so you can feel ‘’lucky’’ to have her. It wouldn’t have ended there. Well done for ending this so quickly.

She said I had insulted her by suggesting she was settling if that’s how she feels. She said she was definitely not the type of person to settle.

She sounds gaslighty and manipulative. Who needs a person who “just chats [hurtful] shit”, in their lives?

I think there’s possibly a more positive conversation that could be had in which person A says something along the lines of:

I was so stupid, before I met you. I put so much store in being with people who were intellectual that was really all I focused on and I didn’t care whether they had other important qualities - I was way too tunnel vision and shallow about what was important. When I met you I was totally drawn to you despite that it was outside my comfort zone, and I was surprised how much I wanted to get to know you better. I’m so glad to know you and that you’ve (unwittingly) helped me realise how shortsighted I was being. Being with someone smart who is also funny, kind and caring - but who doesn’t constantly go on about their intelligence because they are happy in who they are, and recognise so many other things are way more important than status and how the world perceives you… Well that’s just SO much more important. I’m so glad I met you - you saved me from myself.

I realise even the above is still skating on thin ice and could rankle a bit with the recipient (person B) and make them feel crappy on some level. But in this kind of case the issue could be talked through productively because the impetus for the above is for A to highlight one of their own failings and to point out how glad they are to know B, rather than denigrate B in a cavalier and thoughtless way.

It doesn’t sound like that was the conversation that was had. In which case I wouldn’t waste any more time on her - she sounds cruel and emotionally deeply unintelligent.

She deserves to be with one of those “intellectual” types - many of whom are also emotional fuckwits, so they’ll probably be equals in that regard as well.

Anyone who describes themselves as an intellectual will almost certainly be insufferable.

Good for you for knowing your worth.

Don't let her talk you round, you've made the right decision.

I don't blame you for not wanting to date someone who only ever dates intellectuals usually, and who has kind of snubbed you by pointing out that you aren't one.

Let's imagine that she'd said that she usually only dates beautiful people normally but her friends persuaded her to try dating a kind but plain person. It's just not very nice to categorise people like that based on attributes. Like they were objects.

Is your partner a female Adrian Mole? I couldn’t contemplate going out with someone so pompous. Does she mean intelligent rather than intellectuals? Unless her former partners have all been leading philosophers…

She's now backtracking and trying to blame you 😁
Lucky lucky escape there OP

🤣🤣 suggesting that someone might feel they are settling and that you don’t want to feel settled for or put someone else in that position, is NOT an insult! That’s a discussion. What it is is reversing, manipulative and narcissistic.

I take it back - she’s not going to find an “intellectual”. She’s not smart enough