It’s important for me to date intellectuals

[TheRightDecisions]

So I’m in a lesbian fledgling relationship, just a few months.

Today, my partner said that it had always been extremely important to her that she date what she called “intellectuals”. The thing is, I’m certain not one and never claimed to be…

She also said that her friend had told her she was being shallow to put an emphasis on that and that she should consider an emotional connection and some who is good and kind and sweet to her… basically her friend encouraged her to open her mind to dating me, my partner said.

I feel mortified and have ended the relationship today. I told her I did not want to be settled for, and that I didn’t want to be anyone’s compromise.

Apparently her former partners were high flying career “intellectuals”.

I feel deeply wounded and made to feel as though I’m not good enough or lesser than.

Am I being unreasonable?

My partner has said this is an extreme over reaction and I have said awful things and am being very harsh and judgemental, and she herself feels deeply hurt now.

Please help with some of your view points, or some comforting words. Thank you!

Do people here think I might have unwittingly hurt her when I compared her insecurity about her how she looks to an insecurity about being an “intellectual”?

Not at all. She deliberately fished for you to say something nice to her and that gave her exactly what she could use to belittle and control you. When it backfired because you fucked her off over it, she tried to manipulate you into being the Bad Person putting poor little her down.

You have escaped a total headfuck there. Own your intelligence, common sense and self worth, because you have all of those in abundance.

While I wouldn't date a complete dope, I know few real intellectuals. Is she Margaret Atwood?

She's mad at you because you made her feel bad for being/acting like an arsehole. How dare you give her hurty feelings by holding her to account for her own behaviour, wah.

You're well rid OP. Don't be drawn back in, you'll just be setting yourself up for the same realisation again in another few weeks/months.

Also, the most intellectual people I know are the ones who realise who crass it is to use that term about themselves and thus never do.

I think she expected you to be grateful that she had kept an open mind and that enabled you to have your chance with someone who usually only selects the best of thinkers for a lover. Lucky you. 🙄🙄🙄

I wouldn't want to be someone's social experiment to see whether they could tolerate a lower grade of person (in their opinion!) than they usually went for.

Good for you for not putting up with such toss.

So, she said that it was a massive u-turn and extremely harsh to end our relationship over one small thing….

To be honest, the thing that made it easier, is that she had this habit of whenever we were talking or texting or spending time, she would leave in the middle of it… initially I just thought it was a hectic time for he.
Now, months later,I simply found very very frustrating. The last straw was when we had arranged a date but she postponed it because she wanted to watch something on TV! I would never postpone a hot date for something I can watch whenever. I thought then she was just not that into me, and was okay to end it with this final hurtful statement.

Now, after posting my thoughts here, I wonder if it was a strategic move… give them only a little to leave them wanting more sort of thing… it would make sense if she is coming from a deeply severely insecure place.

I don’t know what to think. Maybe I just never knew her well enough.

Any intellectual person would never say what she sad but those who "act" to be intellectual would say! You've been very smart to walk away! Well done!

This. Nobody secure and confident Says this.
Intelligent secure happy people see different things in different people.

The fact she is angry with you for 'making her feel bad' when 'she knows she's a good person' is mad.
Good people can make mistakes, and hold their hands up, and apologise sincerely and accept that feeling bad is what happens when you upset someone. It's that feeling which inhibits us from wanting to do that again.

If she feels bad, she did that not you...

But she blames you because you had the audacity to object to her belittling you, and as she's too good to feel bad, that's not fair and she's angry about it.
Batshit
You've dodged a bullet op!

I think so, but not of these very old well respected ones you mention above.

Wow! What an unbelievably condescending thing to say. Honestly in her eyes you would never have been good enough….lucky escape.

I disagree. To be an intellectual is a kind of intelligence, you can't help being one. You can help being a mannerless clod which is what the OP's partner is.

narcissistic behaviour, run

& she felt ok to say that to you?

Ignorant and pretentious, you wouldn't have lasted. You dodged a bullet there, she thinks shes better than you. & as for:

Apparently her former partners were high flying career “intellectuals”

So where are all these high flyers then? Maybe they saw she was a pompous bore and bailed out. I suspect she's nowhere near as clever as she thinks

Agree.

I’m far from being an intellectual. But one thing I’ve noticed about those who claim they are, is that they’re often as far from being one as I am. Perhaps even more so.

For an example of this behaviour: see Mumsnet.

She sounds like a snob. A slightly stupid one.

She said she was proud to be a snob about certain things. At that time, I didn’t know what those were or that I was included.

Proud to be a snob?

I know a few of those. Insufferable, superior but ultimately vacuous arseholes every one.

She sounds like a total knob.

Don't think either of you is in the wrong, but you don't seem right for each other.
I wouldn't class myself as intellectual but I'd find it a turnoff if someone was much less intelligent than me

She sounds insufferable tbqh. Definitely not an intellectual by the sounds of it. That’s the most basic b*tch statement I’ve ever heard

It’s fine to only want to date people of a similar level of intelligence to you. It’s not fine to upset your partner and then tell them they have upset you by being upset by their comments. Good god.

(And, sorry, being 'an intellectual' isn't a thing. That is to say: people may say 'Jean-Paul Sartre was a French intellectual,' but unless you are Satre and/or French and posh, you don't use 'intellectual' to refer to yourself. It's a purely self-selecting category, and anyone with any decent amount of modesty would cringe at the idea of calling themselves 'an intellectual'.)