It’s important for me to date intellectuals

[TheRightDecisions]

So I’m in a lesbian fledgling relationship, just a few months.

Today, my partner said that it had always been extremely important to her that she date what she called “intellectuals”. The thing is, I’m certain not one and never claimed to be…

She also said that her friend had told her she was being shallow to put an emphasis on that and that she should consider an emotional connection and some who is good and kind and sweet to her… basically her friend encouraged her to open her mind to dating me, my partner said.

I feel mortified and have ended the relationship today. I told her I did not want to be settled for, and that I didn’t want to be anyone’s compromise.

Apparently her former partners were high flying career “intellectuals”.

I feel deeply wounded and made to feel as though I’m not good enough or lesser than.

Am I being unreasonable?

My partner has said this is an extreme over reaction and I have said awful things and am being very harsh and judgemental, and she herself feels deeply hurt now.

Please help with some of your view points, or some comforting words. Thank you!

^^

She's such an utter wanker, it's like she's a man.

Such an intellectual but can't filter what comes out of her pie hole.

Then has to talk a loud of bullshit, lies, gas lighting, backtracking, manipulation and weirdness to try to recover & not be dumped.

I think the appropriate response was "Yeah I usually only date hot people but I thought I'd give you a chance".

I admit to being a misandrist but I really thought only men came this dick-heady.

@TicketBoo23, you’re hilarious!

She finished off her “apology” by telling me that I had also done and said things that made her uncomfortable, but she still wanted to continue.
When I asked what those were, she said if I reflected on it long enough, I would know.

She said “people get triggered, that’s life, you work through it, or not.

She said it wasn’t her that didn’t have time for us, that it was me.

High lesbian drama here.

She's a self loathing train wreck. You sound smart in a rounded sense (i.e. not merely educated and ok at your job), confident and emotionally switched on. All the things she is not.

She reminds me a lot of someone (male) whom I posted about several times last year. He started putting me down after a few weeks' dating. My looks, intellect, culture, interests, dress, upbringing, views. This all happened in a flash and I had no idea what was going on. Like your ex he obfuscated, denied, lied outright, claimed he didn't mean things that way and i was making a big deal out of nothing much.

The point is that he, and she, were trying to affect our self esteem because they didn't see why we might want to be with them. And being with them cheapened us in their eyes because their self esteem is low. Yours thought she had found a weak spot because you'd mentioned intellect. Mine was casting around for one.

You're not here to bolster some sad case's self confidence at your own expense. You deserve someone lovely who feels lucky to have you, and is secure enough to show it. Please don't entertain her anymore, she is toxic. She will never give you a straight explanation or apology. It will be more blaming you.

Probably blocking is the simplest solution.

Seriously please tell me you are breaking up with her. It’s only downhill from here and you’ll end up worn down and then spat out. You have to end it. She is very manipulative and trying to get you to lower your boundaries. You have to get out

First of all she's intellectually dishonest for saying what you do makes her uncomfortable. She's responsible for her own feelings.

Leaving you to guess what it is you do? Tosser.

I'd bin her off for the "trigger" alone, a lazy catch-all word for many these day.

At the beginning of our relationship, said she wanted to be with me because she felt I was more emotionally intelligent than she was She's nir wrong there!! Bullet well dodged.

Not*

Explain the lowering of the boundaries a bit more please…

I’ve ended it already today, it’s done. The attempt at a decent apology changed when she realised I wasn’t changing my mind, then the throwing dust in my eyes began.

This is so deeply insightful, thank you very much shedding further light.

It is so very sad, she’s lovely as she is without all these extra shenanigans.

She’s self aware what her issues are, she told me the other day that being in a relationship for her was like not wanting to be in a club that would accept her as a member… this was the beginning of my realisation of the magnitude of the problem we’re dealing with… one more thing thing that made me run.

…Run as fast as her mouth.

but unless you are Satre and/or French and posh, you don't use 'intellectual' to refer to yourself.

Or Adrian Mole.

sorry, OP, sounds like you're well out of it.

Good for you! You won’t regret it. Lowering your boundaries by telling you you have no right to be upset by what she has said, that people get triggered by a lot of things and you have to accept it…that’s the way people like that go on at you. Telling you you unreasonable for not being treated whatever way they see fit to treat you

Sounds to me there like she is laying the groundwork for her having other partners, which absolutely would have followed and then she would say well I told you that relationships weren’t for me 🤷‍♀️

Ah.

So, she said it was okay for me to express my pain, but she’s apologised and she can only apologise. S

In this same conversation, she said that she has sometimes thrown things if she is upset. I don’t think I’ve thrown anything since I was an infant. I couldn’t imagine the dignified person I knew doing this… but it must be true, as she felt it necessary to pre warn me… also that she shouts and she thinks it’s normal for that to happen sometimes.

@TheRightDecisions , please don't give time and headspace to this person's opinions. They are very fucked up and their fucked up ness will just mess with you

Move on

I haven’t read the whole thread so this may have been pointed out already but if your partner thinks that she should ‘only date intellectuals’ and then her friend advises her to reconsider that and date you (because you’re nice) then your partner reiterates all this to you then she herself is far from an intellectual!

You were right to end it.

@TheRightDecisions ah the classic totally non apology. And yes she was forewarning you that she would be chucking things at you in the future if you pissed her off - after all she has told you that before and yet you still got her angry with one of your perfectly reasonable requests. Of course it’s not normal but again all part of you lowering your boundaries to accept that it is. Thank god you are well out of it. Please make sure you block her from every messaging app, email, everything. You have to make sure there is no chink where she can get in

She invented a new discourse on a currently very popular topic.

being in a relationship for her was like not wanting to be in a club that would accept her as a member

These were the exact words I thought about him at the time and her reading your post!! I'm glad to hear she's now barred from your club. There would have been no end to this bullying and game playing.

Knowing myself I’d probably laugh at the unwitting insinuation rather than go ballistic and break up, but I assume if that was enough for you the relationship wouldn’t have lasted anyway, so no harm done.

Oh, she's violent when she doesn't get her way, too. She's saying that so when a book or shoe/mug hits you, it's your fault for getting in the way when she's already warned you it happens when she's 'very upset' (ie, raging).

Invented the discourse is utterly pretentious wank, though. Bet it's more she claims to have created it and looking in more detail, most of it was happening when she was about 12.

I wouldn't be surprised if there's some shit about drink and prescription drugs as well. More likely cocaine. Because that's what 'everybody does, darling'.

Keep the pompous knob binned.

Yay her. And she's a judgemental gaslighter

Let's weigh it up, shall we ? 🤣

I took this more as she would devalue/diminish any partner, purely because of the fact they want to be with her - that the fact they want to be with her shows they aren’t worth very much.