It’s important for me to date intellectuals

[TheRightDecisions]

So I’m in a lesbian fledgling relationship, just a few months.

Today, my partner said that it had always been extremely important to her that she date what she called “intellectuals”. The thing is, I’m certain not one and never claimed to be…

She also said that her friend had told her she was being shallow to put an emphasis on that and that she should consider an emotional connection and some who is good and kind and sweet to her… basically her friend encouraged her to open her mind to dating me, my partner said.

I feel mortified and have ended the relationship today. I told her I did not want to be settled for, and that I didn’t want to be anyone’s compromise.

Apparently her former partners were high flying career “intellectuals”.

I feel deeply wounded and made to feel as though I’m not good enough or lesser than.

Am I being unreasonable?

My partner has said this is an extreme over reaction and I have said awful things and am being very harsh and judgemental, and she herself feels deeply hurt now.

Please help with some of your view points, or some comforting words. Thank you!

I rode that rollercoaster already, I’d much rather have a chilled evening with some calm and enjoyment and some treats.

I haven’t got time for unnecessary emotional anguish.

I have done my share of dating and relationships, and I can say that I have never encountered a woman as emotionally unstable, immaturely, and negative as her.

None of these things were apparent when we were friends or in the earlier bit of our short lived relationship. She is triggered by something to do with being in a relationship. All this push/pull, avoidance/approach, triangulation (she often spoke about the other intellectual / high flying women she knew), inability to speak about needs/wants.

She said she hadn’t experienced a truly loving relationship where the couple took care of each other before… now I understand why, she want allow it, she cannot sit “still” for love, she doesn’t think she deserves it. And she’s angry about that and wants to lash out punish because she doesn’t know how to love or trust or be vulnerable, or indeed to comfortable within yourself.

Only two who are unlike and have made an unhappiness pact with each other could build a foundation of a relationship with all those things missing.

I shall only miss my friend who I used to know at the beginning.

she doesn’t think she deserves it

No, she believes that she is entitled to an unequal relationship where she has all the power and control. She sees somebody being kind and caring as being fundamentally weak and to be held in contempt for being so weak and foolish. She was pissed off because she didn't want somebody else to have wants, needs and feelings along with a sense of self and of intrinsic value and intelligence - you challenged her self claimed authority, especially when you refused to bow to her demands even when she did the headfuck push and pull shite and said 'actually, I'm worth more than this, fuck that shit, we're done'.

It's not a fragile, wounded bird that just needed scooping up and shown what true love is that you dumped. You dumped a spider who would have left you a hollow shell wondering what just happened. And because she hasn't got laid since, she's laying out a few sticky threads to get you trapped within range again.

Thank you for the reminder.

My mistake from the beginning until now even has been overestimating her, while she was busy underestimating me and trying to put me down.

I think you’re right about the sex thing, that seems to have been of grave importance to her. I have to admit too that there was a lot of chemistry, but not enough to justify a gruesome soap opera. I’d pay good money not to be exposed to THAT!

Some Valentine’s Day celebration! Hehe

Gosh, you explain things so well! That analogy between the bird and the spider really hit home.

At the moment you are wasting your energy playing with a rope, she rugs and you go towards her. Push you away and pull you back. She is a problem that you can only solve by removing her from your life. Just take her out. Honestly you can give the same poem to 100 different people and have a 100 different takes.

I went to university and there was a girl on my corridor doing English - she had some assignment due in but got drunk and woke up realised she hadn’t done the assignment and wrote the first non thought out thing in her head and took it to her seminar - everyone had to dissect everyone’s assignment and hers was apparently astounding and had depth in multiple different layers - ok she might have been a genius and she certainly got 3 A grades at A level and might have been the next Sylvia Plath - but I don’t think that example highlighted her ability. Many great artists for example pushed frontiers but if you look at their traditional portraits that really were talented.

Either way I could probably outplay most people on here on planes - I have three degrees and know a great deal about projectiles - I know diddly squat about nursing or Spanish - absolutely nothing - does that make me clever or stupid - it makes me neither. Never ever argue with something or someone that makes you look or feel stupid. Your ex is a nasty manipulative person and she needs to get lost. Intelligence comes in many many forms - emotional intelligence is just one.

I have absolutely no doubt she is displaying narc tendencies and you can not argue with a narc or someone deluded with self importance they just aren’t and will never be on the same wavelength.

the only way to win is to disengage

see dr Ramona I think she is on YouTube

So, I received a Happy Valentine’s Day text. I replied with a simple “And to you”.

I wanted to keep things amicable without overly engaging.

The following day, I got an email with a link to something I used to be interested in, I thanked her, there was a brief pleasant back and forth about the link, then she ended it abruptly. That was fine with me. Nothing since.

Another curiosity, I had assumed she’d blocked me, and was surprised to get a message from her on WhatsApp. Her profile had disappeared and was blank after our last “don’t contact me again” run in… I thought fine.

Anyway, she was texting me now, still with profile picture blank, so I assume she removed her profile pic back then for her own purposes.

These baiting and switching games… I’m realising I had no idea who I was dealing with…

As my 4 year old nephew would say… “she nawt a niiiice girl!”
….well sometimes, she used to be extremely lovely! She has done a couple of extraordinarily kind things for me at the beginning of the relationship, that is hat has carried a lot of this.

She's tapping her web. Don't be fooled, it's a trap.

Of course she did nice things at first - how else would she reel you in? I would honestly stop engaging with her - it's only drawing you both back in.

She is!

I’m actually feeling a sense of dread after the initial surprise wore off.

She expects me to be reeled back in so easily. She’s underestimating me again.

I honestly think she expected an apology, and a me begging for her back, since she’d had the “generosity” of spirit to send gifts back and send me weird trauma books in the post, finishing off with late Valentine’s flat text greeting and a link to media content.

I mean the charm and romanticism and effort put in is simply astonishing.
I have no idea how I resist.

A lovely poster some time back said her issue is with “awareness”… absolutely true.

It’s amazing to think someone of that age and education has less awareness than some of my young nieces and nephews. My very little niece made me the most gorgeous homemade card that she’d spent all day personally colouring and glueing together and beautifying and with a beautiful loving note she had written herself. And she didn’t want a thing!

All this was in aide of a last minute bootycall. Perhaps it was all supposed to be resolved quickly on Valentine’s evening, after I had asked forgiveness, at which point she’d be invited to hot makeup sex.

Why haven’t you blocked this woman yet? You are inviting more and more dysfunction in to your life.

I am baffled as to why you are still giving her brainspace.

I am going to leave the thread now as it seems repetitive.

It’s not an airport, we don’t need to announce our departures.

There is every chance we will bump into each other at various things in the near and distant future and I would like to keep things drama free.
I think there’s every chance of that if you treat people with respect… from a distance.

We’re not teenagers to be blocking each other. I’ve never been blocked and neither have I ever found it necessary to block anyone. I don’t want to change who I am and how I do things because of my ex.

You’ll have to learn the hard way then 🤷‍♀️ you are mad not to block her, it will end in tears and unfortunately they will be yours. You still think you are dealing with a reasonable person, it’s clear to anyone who has dealt with a person like this before that you aren’t. You would be sensible to block her and to avoid her at all costs, she is toying with you and you are loving the tiny bit of attention you are getting from her.

Obviously I haven’t encountered something like this before… this is a genuine question, but what sort of actions could possibly follow that would upset me? I’m already weeks into moving on, and there is no thought in my mind about rekindling anything.

She has a respectable job and a respectable reputation, I don’t see her ruining that after all this time at her age by doing mad crazy stuff!

Yep and all it takes is a totally unnecessary happy Valentine’s Day text to get you replying, wondering why you hadn’t been blocked, thinking about her profile pic, getting emails, replying and getting abruptly cut off. It’s really clear from reading your posts that she still has a hold on you. Anyone else would have rolled their eyes at a happy Valentine’s Day text from a very recent ex who was a prick to you, not carefully drafted a reply of appropriate weight and breeziness. You are posting here about it. She is living rent free in your head. You are kidding yourself, you think you are in control but all it will take for her to reel you back in is a few more texts, a drink or a coffee and you’ll be back on the hook, guaranteed. She is already playing mind games with you and believe me that will only escalate if you entertain any further contact. Characters like this are very very predictable. That’s what narcissists do. Why would she be ruining her reputation? You’ll be the one ending up gaslit, on edge, chewed up and spat out, not her.

i see what you mean now.

To be honest, I’m not even sure blocking would make much of a difference. I’ve been receiving a handful of silent calls from unknown numbers. One was 5am the other day. My phone was silent at that time thankfully. Another one was earlier this evening. This doesn’t usually happen with any regularity. It may, or may not be her. I’m not discounting it if she’s already been emailing.

Knowing her, she wants to hear what’s going on a Saturday night and whether I’m dating again yet.

I did have a lovely date with a great girl last week, and we’ll be going out again soon.

Of course blocking makes a difference. She can’t contact you and she knows that you do not want her to contact you. People like her are slippery. They will get in any way they can. You are still enjoying thinking she is interested enough to want to know what you are up by making frankly sinister silent phone calls, which you appear to be misguided enough to take for plaintive romantic signals that you are still on her mind. I can only reiterate that is sinister af. It’s up to you OP but it’s hard not to draw the conclusion that your failure to just block her means you want her to keep contacting you and that you are getting a kick or ego boost out of it. A healthy secure person would have blocked this woman weeks and weeks ago and actually moved on with their life, not leaving a little chink open for them to re-enter your life.

Another genuine question, what are the calls signalling to you that is sinister?

I’m just reading it as immature curiosity, boredom, maybe a gin or two.

Are you serious? Silent phone calls are by design meant to unsettle you and/or harass you. I think you’ve got a few mixed up ideas when it comes to what falls within the realms of normal behaviour. That’s the kind of behaviour that people report to the police. It’s creepy not the result of boredom or immaturity. You are talking about a professional adult not 14 year olds at a sleepover. I also think you do get a thrill that she is making these calls, that’s the kind of negative attention you accept as a tribute to you when you’ve had disordered relationships in the past, particularly your childhood. Literally that any attention is good attention. It isn’t.

It must be great to be so intellectual that you even have to speak about. Lucky escape she sounds like an absolute nightmare 😫

If her ways were thrilling or interesting or normal to me, would I have ended it so resoundingly with no warnings, no second chances, just bang, finished. I’ve never ended a relationship so quickly or even thought about doing so… that’s how unsettled I was by what had happened.

Silent calls are not normal, not even for teenagers. If it’s anything, it’s a bit tragic. I’m not scared or intimidated, I just hope she’s okay. I would rather she were doing something healthy and good with her Saturday. I don’t believe she’s set out to creep me out, she’s just being nosy. It’s totally messed up. Isn’t that what I’ve been saying this is?

Yanbu x

Sorry it IS creepy, not nosy. That’s like saying stalkers are just interested in what people are up to. Normal people don’t do these things. You don’t need to feel sorry for her, it was a short relationship that you sensibly ended when she showed you she is pretty narcissistic. It’s just concerning you keep leaving this door open for her when you should really be slamming it shut. Keeping communication going by text, emails and silent phone calls isn’t a resounding end. She is the one choosing when to pop up again in your life and when to cut you off again. The abruptness isn’t an accident it’s a tactic. You can’t even see how she is wedging that door open and now you are even taking pity on her. I’ve seen this play out many times before OP and it always follows the same pattern. Block and delete is your only way with narcissists, if you give an inch next thing you know you are a mile down the road with them. No contact is the only way to go. You do you though as you are determined to keep this woman in your life despite her really abnormal behaviour. She isn’t a healthy person to have in your life.

Thank you for your support and patience throughout this, @Eyerollcentral, I really appreciate it. It’s very helpful to see it from your objective point of view.

I’m going to go to bed and prepare for the busy week ahead which from Sunday through to Sunday will keep me run off my feet. This will be very fortunate timing and just what I needed. Couldn’t have planned it better if I knew this were coming… when something/someone like this happens, make yourself as busy as heck!