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Original poster

It’s important for me to date intellectuals

379 replies

TheRightDecisions · 15/01/2023 20:42

So I’m in a lesbian fledgling relationship, just a few months.

Today, my partner said that it had always been extremely important to her that she date what she called “intellectuals”. The thing is, I’m certain not one and never claimed to be…

She also said that her friend had told her she was being shallow to put an emphasis on that and that she should consider an emotional connection and some who is good and kind and sweet to her… basically her friend encouraged her to open her mind to dating me, my partner said.

I feel mortified and have ended the relationship today. I told her I did not want to be settled for, and that I didn’t want to be anyone’s compromise.

Apparently her former partners were high flying career “intellectuals”.

I feel deeply wounded and made to feel as though I’m not good enough or lesser than.

Am I being unreasonable?

My partner has said this is an extreme over reaction and I have said awful things and am being very harsh and judgemental, and she herself feels deeply hurt now.

Please help with some of your view points, or some comforting words. Thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheRightDecisions · 15/01/2023 21:54

JudgeRinderonTinder · 15/01/2023 21:48

I don’t blame you, OP, the fact she told you this smacks of trying to undermine you and damage your self esteem so you can feel ‘’lucky’’ to have her. It wouldn’t have ended there. Well done for ending this so quickly.

This was my worry.

I thought in which other ways will she put me down to make herself feel better every time she feels “insecure”.

She said I had made her feel like a “bad person” and she knew she wasn’t one.

When we first started dating, she complained about how she looked and and I said I looked at her to enjoy her, not to find flaws. She said she wasn’t sure that we should be dating… I thought she was talking about herself… so I reassured her that I could also feel insecure on the “intellectual” front and I’m sure she would find that ridiculous and I felt the same about her and how she felt about how she looked.

I wonder… was it me that provided her with the gun to shoot me with?

And why would she want to shoot me?! I thought we were still in that lovely blissful honeymoon phase.

OP posts:
samqueens · 15/01/2023 21:54

Her response (that should have said) is reversing, manipulative etc etc

clutchingatpearls · 15/01/2023 21:55

No emotional intelligence, apparently.

I think you've done the right thing.

DarkShade · 15/01/2023 21:55

My DP, in the first few weeks of dating, asked me what my IQ was, and clarified that he wanted to know because he only dates women with a higher IQ than him. I told him that IQ was a meaningless metric for intelligence, and the fact he thought otherwise showed that I was more intelligent after all, so he had nothing to worrt about. I was only 18 and felt very pleased with myself for such a clever reply. 15 years of hindsight and I now know that I was not clever at all, I was a complete fucking idiot. The only good response to a partner who tries to use their supposed intellect as a tool to establish power and rank in the relationship is the one that you gave: 'so long, pal'.

Eyerollcentral · 15/01/2023 21:55

@TheRightDecisions she sounds like she is trying to undermine you and chip away at your confidence. Then she blamed you for her being upset. Not a good combo. You’ve only been going out a few months. I would end it now

NeverDropYourMooncup · 15/01/2023 21:55

She sounds thick as mince. So thick that she thinks she's the smartest person in the room when she's not even the smartest person in the room when she's taking a dump.

She was negging you - wanting you to feel that she was being oh, so benevolent and amazing in lowering herself to consort with the likes of you and falling over yourself with gratitude that she chose to bless you with her existence. She'd have to be the expert on travel, on food, on literature and currents affairs (all taken off social media/whatever she thinks that 'intellectual'/upper class people think). After that, it's not far to go before you're first presented as a charming, exquisite little creature and then constantly being put down in front of others, a figure of mockery and ridicule and hissed at for 'embarrassing her' in front of her very special and important friends.

Fuck her off and you will find your life is immensely improved whilst she'll go off in pursuit of another toy.

whatadoodledo · 15/01/2023 21:55

I think it's a real put down and you've dodged a bullet there. She sounds really pretentious and full of herself. You've done the right thing. Don't go back either.

whatadoodledo · 15/01/2023 21:56

NewNameNigel · 15/01/2023 21:01

Honestly anyone uttering the that phrase "I only date intellectuals" is clearly a nob. To then follow up with nonsense about how they are dating you despite you not being up their standards is at best rude and at worst starting off with the subtle put downs that preclude an abusive relationship.

That's what I thought. This is stay away territory as it will only get worse.

JudgeRinderonTinder · 15/01/2023 21:56

MadelineUsher · 15/01/2023 21:25

As an intellectual, I think you should say back to her, 'Sorry, I only date hot people usually, but I thought I'd be generous and give you a chance.'

This 🤣🤣

boringingoring · 15/01/2023 22:00

Now she is the one who is upset and has gone and is silent.

I'd have been prepared to give her the benefit of the doubt based on the first part of what you said, but the way she reacted when you told her it had upset you is an absolute classic red flag for emotional manipulation at best and narcissistic abuse at worst. You're well rid. Do not let her back in!

samqueens · 15/01/2023 22:03

DarkShade · 15/01/2023 21:55

My DP, in the first few weeks of dating, asked me what my IQ was, and clarified that he wanted to know because he only dates women with a higher IQ than him. I told him that IQ was a meaningless metric for intelligence, and the fact he thought otherwise showed that I was more intelligent after all, so he had nothing to worrt about. I was only 18 and felt very pleased with myself for such a clever reply. 15 years of hindsight and I now know that I was not clever at all, I was a complete fucking idiot. The only good response to a partner who tries to use their supposed intellect as a tool to establish power and rank in the relationship is the one that you gave: 'so long, pal'.

100%

This advice should be printed in bold on the inside cover of school homework diaries so the information is disseminated in a timely fashion.

I wish someone had told me where the 🚩’s were

JudgeRinderonTinder · 15/01/2023 22:03

TheRightDecisions · 15/01/2023 21:54

This was my worry.

I thought in which other ways will she put me down to make herself feel better every time she feels “insecure”.

She said I had made her feel like a “bad person” and she knew she wasn’t one.

When we first started dating, she complained about how she looked and and I said I looked at her to enjoy her, not to find flaws. She said she wasn’t sure that we should be dating… I thought she was talking about herself… so I reassured her that I could also feel insecure on the “intellectual” front and I’m sure she would find that ridiculous and I felt the same about her and how she felt about how she looked.

I wonder… was it me that provided her with the gun to shoot me with?

And why would she want to shoot me?! I thought we were still in that lovely blissful honeymoon phase.

Show quote history

She wants to to shoot you because the only way she feels better is by keeping others down.

Dontevenstart · 15/01/2023 22:05

Who actually says shit like that with a straight face?! You’re best off out of it OP -fair play for doing so!!

MMMarmite · 15/01/2023 22:05

She sounds very emotionally dysfunctional.

clutchingatpearls · 15/01/2023 22:06

Yes, people are right about the negging, and the narc traits. Phew, OP!

Original poster
TheRightDecisions · 15/01/2023 22:07

samqueens · 15/01/2023 21:50

She sounds gaslighty and manipulative. Who needs a person who “just chats [hurtful] shit”, in their lives?

I think there’s possibly a more positive conversation that could be had in which person A says something along the lines of:

I was so stupid, before I met you. I put so much store in being with people who were intellectual that was really all I focused on and I didn’t care whether they had other important qualities - I was way too tunnel vision and shallow about what was important. When I met you I was totally drawn to you despite that it was outside my comfort zone, and I was surprised how much I wanted to get to know you better. I’m so glad to know you and that you’ve (unwittingly) helped me realise how shortsighted I was being. Being with someone smart who is also funny, kind and caring - but who doesn’t constantly go on about their intelligence because they are happy in who they are, and recognise so many other things are way more important than status and how the world perceives you… Well that’s just SO much more important. I’m so glad I met you - you saved me from myself.

I realise even the above is still skating on thin ice and could rankle a bit with the recipient (person B) and make them feel crappy on some level. But in this kind of case the issue could be talked through productively because the impetus for the above is for A to highlight one of their own failings and to point out how glad they are to know B, rather than denigrate B in a cavalier and thoughtless way.

It doesn’t sound like that was the conversation that was had. In which case I wouldn’t waste any more time on her - she sounds cruel and emotionally deeply unintelligent.

She deserves to be with one of those “intellectual” types - many of whom are also emotional fuckwits, so they’ll probably be equals in that regard as well.

It was said in a very blunt clumsy way, without much explanation, the explanations came when the hurt had already been caused.

Bute, even then, at the end, she dug in again by going on about was it a secret how different our backgrounds were… if I didn’t know better, I would think she was deliberately trying to hurt me. I think of one earthly reason why though???

At the beginning of our relationship, said she wanted to be with me because she felt I was more emotionally intelligent than she was… I didn’t quite see it like that at the time… but after this debacle…..!

OP posts:
smileladiesplease · 15/01/2023 22:07

She sounds a pompous insufferable idiot op.

Ponderingwindow · 15/01/2023 22:10

I find that I am only attracted to extremely intellectually intelligent, slightly arrogant men. I know this about myself and accept it. I would absolutely never tell someone that he wasn’t dating material because he wasn’t smart enough to fit that attraction template. There is just no reason to do something like that. You either are a good match for a person or you aren’t and there is no reason to detail the reasons why a person isn’t perfect.

or in simpler terms, you Ex is an idiot and you are better off without her.

it’s perfectly fine if she wants to only date intellectuals, but she clearly lacks emotional intelligence and relationship skills and you deserve better.

HeddaGarbled · 15/01/2023 22:11

I’m full of admiration for you. You recognised the negging for what it was and know you are worth more than that and were assertive about standing up for yourself.

LexMitior · 15/01/2023 22:15

Ugh, when you posted again and she talked about your backgrounds. That is a very bad sign.

I think you dodged a bullet. Whenever someone has the background conversation early on it's a massive flag that this will not work. The person who raises it is insecure and the person who has to consider and respond is on the back foot.

Count yourself lucky. People who claim to be intellectual but do not have the skills of tact or kindness will hurt you like this a lot.

thewinterwitch · 15/01/2023 22:18

Oh, she's a mess. Good that you uncorked the crazy sooner rather than later. She sounds very unpleasant. Being unable to own your stuff and apologise sincerely is a dealbreaker, if all she was was clumsy and unkind.

samqueens · 15/01/2023 22:25

TheRightDecisions · 15/01/2023 22:07

It was said in a very blunt clumsy way, without much explanation, the explanations came when the hurt had already been caused.

Bute, even then, at the end, she dug in again by going on about was it a secret how different our backgrounds were… if I didn’t know better, I would think she was deliberately trying to hurt me. I think of one earthly reason why though???

At the beginning of our relationship, said she wanted to be with me because she felt I was more emotionally intelligent than she was… I didn’t quite see it like that at the time… but after this debacle…..!

Show quote history

Some people do just want to hurt other people. It’s usually because they are absolutely emotionally stunted and full of self loathing on a deep, deep level. But it’s really little help to know that when they are performing their “hurting you” actions, because it still bloody hurts.

Original poster
TheRightDecisions · 15/01/2023 22:27

thewinterwitch · 15/01/2023 22:18

Oh, she's a mess. Good that you uncorked the crazy sooner rather than later. She sounds very unpleasant. Being unable to own your stuff and apologise sincerely is a dealbreaker, if all she was was clumsy and unkind.

She did apologise very thoroughly at first, but then began to back track and dig in when I said something like that was hard to unsay or forget and that it would create an ongoing doubt.

Do people here think I might have unwittingly hurt her when I compared her insecurity about her how she looks to an insecurity about being an “intellectual”?
I have told her how attractive I find her and that I think she’s beautiful and have specifically complemented her about various things about herself.

OP posts:
samqueens · 15/01/2023 22:29

TheRightDecisions · 15/01/2023 22:27

She did apologise very thoroughly at first, but then began to back track and dig in when I said something like that was hard to unsay or forget and that it would create an ongoing doubt.

Do people here think I might have unwittingly hurt her when I compared her insecurity about her how she looks to an insecurity about being an “intellectual”?
I have told her how attractive I find her and that I think she’s beautiful and have specifically complemented her about various things about herself.

Show quote history

Nobody here thinks you’ve done ANYTHING wrong. You’re a total winner - claim your prize by never communicating with her again. Your life will be better because of it.

Suzi89 · 15/01/2023 22:34

Is she really an “intellectual” though? What does she do? My guess is she doesn’t m have a Medicine/Economics/Physics degree.