It’s important for me to date intellectuals

[TheRightDecisions]

So I’m in a lesbian fledgling relationship, just a few months.

Today, my partner said that it had always been extremely important to her that she date what she called “intellectuals”. The thing is, I’m certain not one and never claimed to be…

She also said that her friend had told her she was being shallow to put an emphasis on that and that she should consider an emotional connection and some who is good and kind and sweet to her… basically her friend encouraged her to open her mind to dating me, my partner said.

I feel mortified and have ended the relationship today. I told her I did not want to be settled for, and that I didn’t want to be anyone’s compromise.

Apparently her former partners were high flying career “intellectuals”.

I feel deeply wounded and made to feel as though I’m not good enough or lesser than.

Am I being unreasonable?

My partner has said this is an extreme over reaction and I have said awful things and am being very harsh and judgemental, and she herself feels deeply hurt now.

Please help with some of your view points, or some comforting words. Thank you!

She finished off her “apology” by telling me that I had also done and said things that made her uncomfortable, but she still wanted to continue.
When I asked what those were, she said if I reflected on it long enough, I would know.

Why do I have the feeling she had nothing on you.

But being such a smart arse (though not smart enough to filter offensive verbal diarrhea) she thought she'd buy time and throw it back onto you to ponder what you could have said and how it could possibly have made her uncomfortable.

If she truly had anything in mind, I think she would've spat it out there and then. Doesn't seem like the type not to.

There'd a real "go and think about what you've done, faux parental, authoritarian, superior vice to that too.

*There's a real "go and think about what you've done", faux parental, authoritarian, superior vibe to that too.

Get rid.

You deserve better.

She said “people get triggered, that’s life, you work through it, or not.

Yeah people get triggered when filrerless, arrogant, tactless people with no internal monologue say offensive things .. Especially even they're their intimate/life partner.

Incapable of taking responsibility for her actions/words, isn't she.

One wonders how she would've been "working through it" if you'd said "looks are usually really important to me but I thought id try a different tack this time" ..... Or not. I think it would be the "not". Just like you've decided to "not".

Well done you for not falling for it!

She told you this to make you feel less than her and to establish herself as the powerful one in the relationship. Basically saying 'I wouldn't normally date someone like you, so you should be very grateful that I spend time with you'.

It's one thing for her to feel that way, but to voice it is a mind game.

I honestly did laugh when she first said it, I actively thought it was a cute misguided way of trying to impress me (I was already impressed, I didn’t need more impressing, it’s a pity she couldn’t see that).

After she reiterated it several times, stressing how extremely important it was to her for her partner to be an intellectual, and detailing the professions and accomplishments of her former partners… and how much she enjoyed a similar knowledge base of the literary greats like Dostoevsky… I knew who this was but hadn’t personally read his works…

I just found it all too much and realised she was actually actively putting me down whilst elevating herself! It didn’t leave a very nice taste in the mouth, to put it mildly, it actually hurt me enough to feel a bit nauseas. I had trusted her and admired her so and really thought she respected me, too.

She's a self loathing train wreck

An arrogant self loathing train wreck.

Ah well-theres your answer! She's terribly insecure about her looks so she does the classic negging tactic to bring you down to her (perceived) level. This is text book and is a common tactic men and women use when they feel a partner is "out of their league". Instead of dealing with their own feelings of self worth (which if she is a true intellectual, you'd think she'd be aware of) they criticise and belittle their partner to fill the gaping void of their own insecurity. Do NOT go back to her, she hasnt dealt with the underlying issue so even if she apologises, this issue will come up again and again whenever she feels "unworthy" or people tell you you are attractive etc.. It will damage your self esteem long term and its a completely dysfunctional, selfish and cruel way for people to compensate for their own insecurities.

detailing the professions and accomplishments of her former partners

Note how they're all former partners.

People who are her supposed intellectual equals can't stand her as a partner either.

Apparently her former partners were high flying career “intellectuals”.

And those worked out so well, didn't they? Find someone who values you for who and what you are.

She said it wasn’t her that didn’t have time for us, that it was me.

You didn't have time for her bull shit; slightly different from not having time for her/a relationship with her.

I agree, this shit is likely to continue.

She needs to get herself some help.

She sounds too arrogant to do so or change her behaviour however.

In this same conversation, she said that she has sometimes thrown things if she is upset. I don’t think I’ve thrown anything since I was an infant. I couldn’t imagine the dignified person I knew doing this… but it must be true, as she felt it necessary to pre warn me… also that she shouts and she thinks it’s normal for that to happen sometimes.

How very intellectual.

She sounds like someone who'd be being called intimidating and potentially violent if she was male.
Throwing things and shouting is pretty much DV.

I think I know why all her intellectual exes are exes.

I bet it's a load of pretentious bollocks.

"Invented a new discourse"; are those the words she used?

I'm curious what that actually refers to.

Wow, there's more than one of these out there then! I dated one several years ago who was falling over himself to tell me how intellectual/wealthy/attractive/sexually adventurous his previous partners had been. As PPs have said, this was a prelude to 'I must have all my needs met and you don't meet them all so it's not unreasonable for me to want an open relationship'.
Fortunately I was more fascinated by than infatuated with this dude (in a 'what the hell is he going to come out with next' kind of way) and wasn't invested in it, but the chipping away at your self esteem, railroading your boundaries and then gaslighting about what was said and how you felt about it all sounds so familiar.

You've done exactly the right thing breaking it off - love and the finding of it should be fun. It doesn't have to be dramatic, or terribly serious, or even about finding someone who ticks every single one of your boxes. Have fun, go on many many dates and kiss everyone you like, only see them again if you genuinely had fun, and enjoy the experience. Invest time and energy only into things and people that genuinely delight you - life is too short for anything else.

Love, a poor, slightly unattractive woman of average intelligence who met the absolute love of her life shortly after breaking up with aforementioned jerk.

Everyone can have preferences, but they can be expressed in a better way, and also not several months in.

You are better off without her but understandably upset.

I dated a guy once who had a massive chip on his shoulder about never going to university (he could have, he just chose not to). He constantly went on about how unfair life was and how he could have easily have got a degree but life "got in the way" etc. I had studied and got two degrees. He constantly made belittling remarks about my universities, how I wasnt as "smart" as I thought I was (I didnt think that at all, I actually had very low self esteem at the time) etc. Then, he moved on to criticising my height (5'10")- how I was too tall (he was a tiny bit shorter than me) which to me was ridiculous considering he asked me out and its not as if I hid my height lol. It just went on and on and on. He told me I was being "too sensitive" about his nasty remarks and criticisms. I dumped him in the end. Absolute bellend and I dont regret it for one moment. You deserve someone better too.

If it was all some strategic game to be the more powerful one in the relationship (I didn’t realise we were in competition, I thought we were a team, her successes were my own), or at least to even some kind of imaginary odds going forward…

What will she think now of the effectiveness of these manoeuvres of hers?

…Because she dug in so much when her apology didn’t make it all go away, I think she was actually still getting off on this because my reaction may have reinforced the dynamic she wanted to create… i.e. she is an intellectual roughing it with a pleb. She may be feeling some satisfaction that I have also accepted that as a truth. Maybe feeling that way is so important it doesn’t matter to her if it ultimately ended the relationship?

@TheRightDecisions she doesnt feel "powerful" though- thats the point. She feels inadequate which is why she's trying to belittle you and cast aspersions on your intellect. If someone was truly happy and content with themselves they wouldnt feel the need to criticise someone and insult them. I would bet my mortgage that those other supposed "intellectuals" she previously dated were also de-valued and put down in other subtle ways. If they were so amazing compared to you, then why did they all break up?! You. deserve. Better.

Surprised by the reaction here and the poll results too. I think you overreacted and let your insecurities get the better of you. You may not consider yourself an intellectual but she clearly thinks you’re smart so that’s surely all that mattered? Anyway, it’s done now so no going back.

that I have also accepted that as a truth

Have you though? There are lots of different types of intelligence.

My h is extremely intelligent, he has a very responsible, demanding job, he manages a lot of people and he's early 40s, he's surpassed many colleagues older than him in his company .... Would you ever catch him resting Dostoyevsky..... I can safely say no.

He watches football, reads about football, reads about sports psychology, a bit about evolution/anthropology/general psychology and corporate psychology. That's it. He's never heard of and never read lots and lots of books, films, history etc that I would know straight off the bat. Anytime a classic novel film or TV series comes on he asks me "what the fk is this actually about?" and I try to explain it.

You sound intelligent and articulate.

She sounds pretensious.

I don't think she could assume that you've "accepted" that you're not intellectual because you've finished with her. She could equally think that you don't agree with her and thinks she's full of shit and is deluded in her feeling of intellectual superiority.

Have you read the updates? it wasn't an overreaction, the partner was a headfucker.

It's not an over reaction to end a relationship with someone who warns you they throw stuff in a temper, can shout a lot, and implied you're not what they really want/go for but they're giving you a go anyway.

There are lots and lots of things there that are not desirable partner qualities. She sounds like an ass hole.