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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was it OK to ask family for help in this very stressful situation??

583 replies

JumpingFrogs12 · 15/01/2023 08:46

We had an emergency this week. One year old dc2 had to be ambulanced to hospital. It was very sudden and terrifying. We have another child who has special needs and stayed with one set of grandparents while we were at the hospital. Dc2's condition took a while to stabilise but we were discharged the following day. Had to go back in a few hours later unfortunately but then discharged again. Dh and I were absolutely exhausted.

Whilst in hospital, we asked the other set of grandparents if they'd be able to come to us and help at all. Especially with dc1 to give myself, dh and his other nan a break, get some sleep, look after dc2, etc. These grandparents live 130 miles away so not local. However, they do drive, are retired but in good health to our knowledge. They said they'd come the next day for a few hours.

When they arrived, I could just tell there was an edge to them. Fil asked a bit about about dc2 but MIL didn't. She wasn't empathic at all, no hugs, nothing. I felt like we'd put them out for the day. She was also very eager to leave once they'd done their help with dc1.

We appreciated them coming. They've driven to us in a day and back before but on their terms, not because we've asked. After the week we've had, I've been an emotional wreck and maybe I'm just being sensitive but it puts me off asking for help in that way again. I really felt like they resented coming even though their grandchild had been seriously ill in hospital. When they come to see us, they come for the arranged well in advance nice bits.

But if you can't ask family to help when there's been an emergency and everyone's struggling, when can you?
Were we wrong to ask? Should we never ask again?

OP posts:
HotPenguin · 15/01/2023 08:49

No you weren't wrong to ask but your DH needs to speak to them and find out what was up. Maybe your MIL was upset and reacting strangely to the situation. I wouldn't assume she was put out without asking her. I hope your child is ok it must have been awful.

Xrays · 15/01/2023 08:50

Families are very odd. If I was the grandparent in that situation I’d drop everything and rush over to help. But not everyone is like that and sadly you seem to be lumped with people who aren’t made that way - we are no contact with all of dhs family for similar reasons (very toxic, long story) and my only relative died in 2019 so we just literally have me, dh and two dc one of whom is disabled. It’s hard isn’t it. I think for your own sanity and to stop yourself getting hurt further I’d stop asking them for help.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/01/2023 08:50

Your MIL sounds like a world class twat. I wouldn't be calling on her for anything, ever. I also wouldn't be spending any time with her from this day forward. Has she always been this cold and detached?

Polarbearyfairy · 15/01/2023 08:52

You weren’t unreasonable to ask, they weren’t unreasonable to feel some kind of way about it. I think you can ask them to be present but you can’t stipulate that they must behave and feel a certain way about it all.

But at the end of the day you asked, they came?

I think I’d chalk it up to experience - it was obviously extremely stressful and frightening to have that happen to your child and that’s probably heavily colouring your thoughts about it all.

unless there’s a massive back story? I’m sure they were terribly worried about their grandchild.

Bunce1 · 15/01/2023 08:52

What does your partner say about it?

Are they juts like this normally? Why didn’t they stay over? 260 miles in one day is a lot, I’m surprised they didn’t stay either with you or at a hotel.

Glad your little one is ok.

trampoline123 · 15/01/2023 08:54

Of course you should have asked for help.

Families are strange things sometimes.

I think your DH should speak to them.

Original poster
JumpingFrogs12 · 15/01/2023 08:55

Aquamarine1029 · 15/01/2023 08:50

Your MIL sounds like a world class twat. I wouldn't be calling on her for anything, ever. I also wouldn't be spending any time with her from this day forward. Has she always been this cold and detached?

@Aquamarine1029 no not always but she's very moody. Sometimes lovely, sometimes not. But she had a much harder style of parenting with her children. And an attitude of, well we didn't get any help when ours were little.

OP posts:
Weddi · 15/01/2023 08:55

People are honestly really weird. Some grandparents can’t do enough to help and would drop anything to assist. Others feel like it’s a chore even visiting you. Our parents very rarely help out because they very much have their own busy schedules and we don’t really fit into it so we just have to get by without. When DS has been hospitalised in the past I’ve just had to go with him alone and DH stayed home with other DC.

Original poster
JumpingFrogs12 · 15/01/2023 08:57

Bunce1 · 15/01/2023 08:52

What does your partner say about it?

Are they juts like this normally? Why didn’t they stay over? 260 miles in one day is a lot, I’m surprised they didn’t stay either with you or at a hotel.

Glad your little one is ok.

@Bunce1 because of their dogs, they had to get back. Their dogs are priority in all situations it seems.

OP posts:
thunderstruckk · 15/01/2023 09:00

Oh that's horrid - glad your DC is okay!

Tbh they were probably extremely stressed (as you all were) 260 miles is a lot in one day for me and I'm no where near retired, especially if they have dogs to get back to (who they might not be able to care for).

I'd say you were right to ask if you genuinely needed the help, and they were right to come and help. Everyone was stressed and on edge by the sound of it, but I'd just focus on the fact they came and helped.

CheshireDing · 15/01/2023 09:02

Tbh I can’t believe you asked someone who was 130 miles away. Could you not have rotated between you and your DH as to who was at hospital and who at home ? It’s a long way to ask anyone to come for a day, especially older people

One if our DC was in hospital for the whole Easter weekend when they were still at nursery and we had others at home. We just had to share the hideousness between us

winterpastasalad · 15/01/2023 09:07

If you were all at home, what help would you need? I have a disabled ds and wouldn't dream of asking anyone to drive 120 miles for a few hours. Also, why did you both stay overnight in hospital?

ProserpinaProserpina · 15/01/2023 09:07

DH’s parents would (and have) do this at the drop of a hat. Despite being 2.5 hours away, they will always help out in an emergency if they can.

I do think it’s a bit dickish to do it and then be stroppy about it but I don’t think you were unreasonable to ask for help. If they couldn’t, they should have said.

SomethingLessIdentifiable · 15/01/2023 09:07

There were already 4 adults involved, I’m not entirely sure why you needed another 2 adults there tbh.

Surely you and your DH didn’t both need to be at the hospital the whole time, our local childrens hospital have had to put a stop to that.

HelenHywater · 15/01/2023 09:08

I also don't know why you and your H didn't do shifts in the hospital. I had many trips to the hospital with mine when they were young and overnight stays and just used to go alone, leaving my H at home with the other child(ren).

Similarly I'm not sure why your FIL and MIL had to come together - if they have dogs (which is a perfectly valid reason to have to get back btw), then one could have stayed with the dogs.

And 130 miles is a long way to drive to help out in a non-urgent situation. (I'm assuming your baby had a high temp that needed getting lower rather than a serious illness).

Original poster
JumpingFrogs12 · 15/01/2023 09:10

winterpastasalad · 15/01/2023 09:07

If you were all at home, what help would you need? I have a disabled ds and wouldn't dream of asking anyone to drive 120 miles for a few hours. Also, why did you both stay overnight in hospital?

@winterpastasalad because dc2 was in a serious situation and we were both scared for her. Wanted to be with her. Every other child in hospital that we saw had both parents there looking equally terrified.

OP posts:
Original poster
JumpingFrogs12 · 15/01/2023 09:14

HelenHywater · 15/01/2023 09:08

I also don't know why you and your H didn't do shifts in the hospital. I had many trips to the hospital with mine when they were young and overnight stays and just used to go alone, leaving my H at home with the other child(ren).

Similarly I'm not sure why your FIL and MIL had to come together - if they have dogs (which is a perfectly valid reason to have to get back btw), then one could have stayed with the dogs.

And 130 miles is a long way to drive to help out in a non-urgent situation. (I'm assuming your baby had a high temp that needed getting lower rather than a serious illness).

@HelenHywater I said this too to dh. Why did they come together?! Fil was the more reasonable one anyway. He did all the arrangements and contact with us beforehand and did show some concern. Nothing from mil.

She couldn't breath and it was an emergency. Extremely frightening so please don't belittle it. Not a long term serious illness, no.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 15/01/2023 09:14

Going with all your additions I don't know why you both asked them to come? (Not asking you to tell us this)

Take turns at the hospital

You asked they came I would leave it and not ask again

I don't see what there is to say to them just dont ask again

Original poster
JumpingFrogs12 · 15/01/2023 09:15

ProserpinaProserpina · 15/01/2023 09:07

DH’s parents would (and have) do this at the drop of a hat. Despite being 2.5 hours away, they will always help out in an emergency if they can.

I do think it’s a bit dickish to do it and then be stroppy about it but I don’t think you were unreasonable to ask for help. If they couldn’t, they should have said.

@ProserpinaProserpina exactly this! They should have said instead of acting resentful.

OP posts:
Summersolargirl · 15/01/2023 09:15

Personally no I’d not habe asked two people With dogs to do a 260 mile round trip so you could both go to bed, we’d have taken it in turns.

Hidingawaytoday · 15/01/2023 09:17

You did nothing wrong in asking OP - my mum and in-laws live closer than yours, so it's slightly easier, but they'd all drop everything to come and help if we needed them too - especially in a medical emergency situation like this. Ignore those saying it was unnecessary - yes, you technically could have done it without help, but why struggle if you don't need to? At the end of the day - they could have said no!

Tigofigo · 15/01/2023 09:17

Summersolargirl · 15/01/2023 09:15

Personally no I’d not habe asked two people With dogs to do a 260 mile round trip so you could both go to bed, we’d have taken it in turns.

This. Or I'd have asked a local friend to help.

Tigofigo · 15/01/2023 09:18

Anyway it must have been very scary and I hope dc2 is ok now. Was it asthma?

Justalittlebitduckling · 15/01/2023 09:18

If they didn’t want to come, they shouldn’t have come. It’s not your prerogative to second guess their passive aggression.

HelenHywater · 15/01/2023 09:19

I'm not belittling it. One of mine was rushed to hospital in an ambulance in a similar way and ended up in resus because she couldn't be revived, but I went on my own and left my husband with other children. In any case you already had grandparents helping out, so I can't see why you needed the other set, particularly when your baby was out of danger and back home.

Your feelings are of course very valid, so I'm not questioning how you feel.