Was it OK to ask family for help in this very stressful situation??

[JumpingFrogs12]

We had an emergency this week. One year old dc2 had to be ambulanced to hospital. It was very sudden and terrifying. We have another child who has special needs and stayed with one set of grandparents while we were at the hospital. Dc2's condition took a while to stabilise but we were discharged the following day. Had to go back in a few hours later unfortunately but then discharged again. Dh and I were absolutely exhausted.

Whilst in hospital, we asked the other set of grandparents if they'd be able to come to us and help at all. Especially with dc1 to give myself, dh and his other nan a break, get some sleep, look after dc2, etc. These grandparents live 130 miles away so not local. However, they do drive, are retired but in good health to our knowledge. They said they'd come the next day for a few hours.

When they arrived, I could just tell there was an edge to them. Fil asked a bit about about dc2 but MIL didn't. She wasn't empathic at all, no hugs, nothing. I felt like we'd put them out for the day. She was also very eager to leave once they'd done their help with dc1.

We appreciated them coming. They've driven to us in a day and back before but on their terms, not because we've asked. After the week we've had, I've been an emotional wreck and maybe I'm just being sensitive but it puts me off asking for help in that way again. I really felt like they resented coming even though their grandchild had been seriously ill in hospital. When they come to see us, they come for the arranged well in advance nice bits.

But if you can't ask family to help when there's been an emergency and everyone's struggling, when can you?
Were we wrong to ask? Should we never ask again?

Hi op, my own parents are very similar to how you have described your in laws. We had a situation where my young ds needed to go to hospital and as we don’t drive asked them for a lift. Big mistake the fallout after wasn’t worth it. I think that they hate being asked for favours as well as being anxious about ds and showing it in a funny way. They also have very strict boundaries set about looking after ds it’s very occasional and all on their terms. Bottom line is we will never ask for anything again even in an emergency situation and just accept the very occasional help that is offered. It’s been a learning curve and the positive aspect is we have now learned to be completely self sufficient. Good luck

When my DC are older, if they have children and a situation like this, I would of course drop everything I could and help them. That's just being a loving parent.

Hope your DC are OK now OP, it's terrifying and exhausting.

You weren't unreasonable to ask. Their manner be just their manner. Some people are like this particularly in stressful or illness situations. I wouldn't be going over it with them now.

Honestly it does sound that she thinks ye were overreacting and that she had been dragged a long journey for a poor reason.
I think I'd also not have asked when there were two of us available plus your dhs parents particularly when it doesn't sound like it was a life threatening situation if your dd was released again the next day.
Kindly you might have jumped the gun a little.

Having said all that they could have said no too If they resented it. They knew you weren't really stuck instead of your mil coming abs sulking.

*You asked they came I would leave it and not ask again

I don't see what there is to say to them just dont ask again*

This. To be honest, it sounds like this was a predictable response from them. They struggled through alone and expect you to do the same.

My in-laws wouldn’t come if we called them for anything relating to children, they don’t do childcare, but they wouldn’t come alone either. MIL even came when FIL was helping us plaster a wall… she didn’t help, or even come into the room we were in, but she came with him to loiter awkwardly.

They wouldn’t be on my list to ask in future.

Well yes it does sound like they resented it.

Maybe they had plans adhad to cancel them? Maybe they had disagreed about whether they should have helped you or not

They don't sound especially lovely but at the end of the day, they did help you out.

I hope your DC is better now

But what were they supposed to do? They have dogs, bringing them was impossible if you needed help, it's short notice and arranging pet care takes time. They were also in a tricky situation.

Personally no I’d not habe asked two people With dogs to do a 260 mile round trip so you could both go to bed, we’d have taken it in turns

The dogs do have to be a priority so that is understandable. Unfortunately many couples wouldn't have family responding and I probadly wouldn't ask in future.

But they did come. They make a long journey to come and help so I do think your being a bit unfair.

it was stressful all around. There where already 4 adults sorting things anyway so their help wasn’t essential but it was good they came anyway.

I agree with some pps that it was a long way for them and they couldn’t leave the dogs for a long time so it was probably a lot to ask of them.

Given that you already had one set of GPS there, and the emergency bit of the situation was over, I wouldn't have asked them to drive that far just to give everyone a break, no. I had the most lovely in-laws who loved that far away, but wouldn't have dreamed of asking when I had friends nearby who could help.

We didn't have any family near, so yes, we tag teamed when our daughter was hospitalised late at night. Once she was discharged after 24 hours, we just got on with life as normal.
I get that those few hours were very scary, but by the time you called the further away grandparents, the drama was over.

I don't get it.

You asked for help. They came to help.

You assumption that they didn't want to be there was based on "feelings" I.e. you felt... and MIL didn't hug you.

Do you have form for panicking about your DC's health and do you regularly go to A&E? I've been to A&E myself with my DCs for crap reasons based on panic and Dr Google so I'm not judging here.

Perhaps she was a bit put out because she had nice plans for that day and you dragged her out for what turned out to be nothing?

But in the end, they did come and it doesn't look like they whinged about it so I don't think you can complain TBH.

I can see why you are quite emotional over this as it's awful when your dc is seriously ill and you are in panic mode.

But I think it was a bit much to ask and they did really well coming at all.

I've had a DC in ICU so I'm basing this on our experience of that. We also had an older dc at the time. All GP lived close enough for day trips/ in 50s60s active etc. we would never even have considered asking for this help.

I stayed overnight at the hospital, DP stayed at home with older DC. This seemed normal to us and the hospital staff certainly weren't up for both of us staying overnight. I'd assume the only ones who do have no other DC.

I can see why you are upset but your PILs will be of a generation when no parents stayed with DC in hospital so they probably couldn't relate to your situation.

Also asking them to come not your your home but to your parents home adds an additional awkwardness. How well do they know each other?

Plus driving 260 miles in dark winter weather in your 60s+? Isn't something I'd ask of anyone.

But I hope dc is on the mend now.

Perhaps MIL was anxious about looking after DC1 if she’s not been involved with little ones for a long time - routines, food etc etc. and came across as a bit cold.

You asked and they came which is a positive! Hope your DC is ok now.

On balance, considering it's maybe a 3 hour drive, DC2 was out off danger and you have parents locally, I think it probably was a bit unreasonable. You may have been expecting them to say if they thought it was though, not to just turn up grumpy, and I would say YANBU for that.
FWIW I've been in a similar situation except we have no local family and 3 DC, 2 with SEN. So only one of us can ever go to the hospital in an emergency (we've had to make four 999 calls in the last 18 months for two different children, all respiratory issues).

They came. That’s the key bit. You asked they came. Don’t be pissed off with them, be grateful.

You haven’t told us anything of what is going on in their lives - maybe they cancelled stuff that seemed trivial to you but that they would have liked to do. And petrol is expensive. Of course, if it is an emergency then that’s one thing. But if they got there and found it wasn’t an emergency then, yeah, I can see why they might be a bit frosty and tired.

And your post is a bit ‘just dogs’ about their responsibilities - which slightly implies you don’t think their lives and needs really count in this situation. They do, even if it doesn’t feel that way when a small DC is in hospital.

I'm also going to say that in the circumstances you describe I wouldn't have asked the in laws to help.

I know this because we've been in a similar situation and managed between us with one child in hospital for two days. Friends looked after the uninjured one while we had the first checks done. Once the emergency surgery was done, after a few hours, my husband went home and looked after our eldest and I stayed in the hospital. It worked well and the last thing the hospital needed was a hoard of relatives cluttering up the place. What would all your relatives be doing?

If I was the in laws I might or might not have come anyway, depending on circumstances. I also might have thought you had it covered if you had your parents there and that we would be in the way if we turned up.

So she wasn't pissing rainbows at driving 260 miles and finding emergency care for two dogs - so that you and your dh could catch some sleep at the same time, even though your DM is on hand to help, but she did it anyway and, she is the bad guy?

Your dd was taken to hospital one day and discharged the next, during which time your other dc was being looked after by both your parents.

I can understand why your MIL was irritated to be honest. 4 adults ought to have been able to manage that situation over a 48 hour period without having to ask 2 more to get involved. Especially if it meant them doing a 260 mile round trip. Your dig about their dogs being a priority shows a lack of empathy. Presumably they had to organise someone to look after them at short notice which may not have been easy.

I’m sorry you’ve had such a stressful time.

You need to reframe this.

You asked for help and they dropped everything and came. A long way. When you needed them, they were there and did what needed to be done.

Maybe they were tired from the drive, worried about their dogs (who they can’t just leave for hours and hours, just like you can’t leave your dc), worried about you all, wondering why the 4 adults who were much more local couldn’t just take turns…

Regardless, they came. If you confront them over the way you perceive they behaved, you risk them never coming again. At least give yourself some distance from the immediate stress and don’t do anything in haste while your emotions are still so heightened.

Some people are not just gracious helpers.

IME these can also be the people who expect help themselves - and sulk when it's not offered and they have to ask!

But only you can know what happened. They may have been tired from worrying. My mum often explained to me when DS was unwell (he's also disabled) she'd worry about me as well as him and that meant she had to take a step back sometimes.

They may have felt awkward if you were all there as well as your mum about her place in the care.

She may have been worried to cuddle DC2 in case she passed something on and made them unwell again?

Unless your DH asks her specifically if she was ok because she seemed uncomfortable you won't have a clue about what was going on in her head. But I'm pretty sure someone who drives what must have been at least a 5 hour round trip in a day didn't care enough and didn't want to help.

You do t drive that distance if you don't want to.

But they did drop everything and come.

They walked into a stressful situation with little preparation. You and DH were exhausted and stressed so were not acting as you normally would, (understandably). Instead of thinking how kind they were you think how unpleasant they were - and they'll have picked that up straight away. They'll know you didn't want them there.

They drove 130 miles and you have no idea what that "cost" them. You assume they are in good health but they may well have the sort of health problems that people get and don't talk about. They may have had things arranged that they had to cancel - maybe not. But whatever ... they came.

I'd put this behind you - it seems like there's a nice relationship there at the heart of things. Focus on that and your little boy getting better.

Of course you can ask and of course you both want to be at the hospital. It was down to your ils to decide what they wanted to do. They could have arranged care for dogs and stayed over. 1 could have come or they could have said no. I'm guessing they maybe didn't see the seriousness of the situation or the impact so it has less meaning or they feel like an afterthought/unnecessary extra. Maybe your dh needs to speak to them.

Having dogs is a commitment. You can’t just leave them all day but they could’ve brought them or just one of them should’ve come. Perhaps they were concerned about the other one driving all that way in a day alone. I think more likely they thought you should just get in with it like they had to. It’s often a generational thing. I’m that situation I would imagine being on the phone recounting what had happened and them offering any help. I’m not sure I would have asked them to come all that way so we could catch up on sleep, but that’s probably my own guilt.

They did drop everything and come though.

Although I don’t quite understand why you needed six adults to look after two children for 48 hours, even if one is poorly