Was it OK to ask family for help in this very stressful situation??

[JumpingFrogs12]

We had an emergency this week. One year old dc2 had to be ambulanced to hospital. It was very sudden and terrifying. We have another child who has special needs and stayed with one set of grandparents while we were at the hospital. Dc2's condition took a while to stabilise but we were discharged the following day. Had to go back in a few hours later unfortunately but then discharged again. Dh and I were absolutely exhausted.

Whilst in hospital, we asked the other set of grandparents if they'd be able to come to us and help at all. Especially with dc1 to give myself, dh and his other nan a break, get some sleep, look after dc2, etc. These grandparents live 130 miles away so not local. However, they do drive, are retired but in good health to our knowledge. They said they'd come the next day for a few hours.

When they arrived, I could just tell there was an edge to them. Fil asked a bit about about dc2 but MIL didn't. She wasn't empathic at all, no hugs, nothing. I felt like we'd put them out for the day. She was also very eager to leave once they'd done their help with dc1.

We appreciated them coming. They've driven to us in a day and back before but on their terms, not because we've asked. After the week we've had, I've been an emotional wreck and maybe I'm just being sensitive but it puts me off asking for help in that way again. I really felt like they resented coming even though their grandchild had been seriously ill in hospital. When they come to see us, they come for the arranged well in advance nice bits.

But if you can't ask family to help when there's been an emergency and everyone's struggling, when can you?
Were we wrong to ask? Should we never ask again?

Dh and I both needed/wanted to be at the hospital. My mum had dc1 who was also poorly and has special needs. Although my mum was able to help, she has health problems and she has limitations. I have severe anxiety (I was only at the priory myself a week ago, things aren't good) and the whole situation with dc2 on top of that has been awful. I wanted to be with her but needed dh there too. I had her during covid with all the restrictions and she was on special care. We had to be on our own and that was just horrible. Traumatising. Still haven't got over all that.

So maybe that explains things to people.

This is how I see it. The emergency was over. They wanted them there so they could go to bed together and sleep and she’s now slagging them off as they didn’t do it graciously enough.

As a GP I didn’t think twice about driving 60 miles in an emergency to look after an under 2 while the young baby was seriously ill in the ICU for a week. Both parents were never with the baby though, they did ‘shifts’.

I would have seemed a lot more sensible for the OPs ILs to book a hotel for the night - was there a particular reason why they didn’t? E.g. hard up or just tight?

I couldn't easily do a hotel with my dog. Most don't take dogs.

How serious can it be if she was discharged the next day? I'm also wondering why there were so many adults involved. I never would have thought to involve my inlaws if my parents were already helping. Not Christmas gone but the Christmas before ds2 became unwell with a nasty viral infection which really affected his breathing. I took him to the doctors who gave him a nebuliser and he deteriorated and was taken up to the hospital, I stayed with him all day and night by myself and had dropped my other 2 dc with my parents. My dh had finished work and swapped so I can could have something to eat at home a coffee and a shower then went back up and swapped. He then picked the kids up and I stayed in over night with ds and then was discharged home with him.

I think you ABU to criticise them for this, but you’re tired and emotional.

You had 4 adults and yet they still dropped everything and drove a 260 mile round trip. You know she’s not that maternal and to be fair dogs are relevant they either left them for long a time or had to arrange for someone to check on them.

With a child with SEN many parents wouldn’t have the luxury of both being at the hospital. I hope your DD is well very soon but did it really need 6 adults to deal with this situation?

It does seem a bit OTT, there were already enough adults there to take it in turns giving eachother a rest. The fact is they did come and your MIL was then funny about it which is really off, They should have said no, they are 130 miles away and have dogs and you were not alone, you already had help, so it would have been a good enough reason. What I do find unreasonable on your part is your comment about their dogs taking priority. What did you expect them to do with their dogs? Just leave them overnight? They already left them all day to come and help you. All that being said I am glad your daughter is on the mend and try to clear the air with your husbands parents

I am sorry that you have mental health issues and that must make things difficult for you. Are you getting ongoing support from the priory?

I get it OP. Out of the three sets of GPs my DC have (my DPs divorced and remarried), only my DM would drop everything and come and help us (and has done in the past). My DF needs notice and also has dogs and MIL is in another country, but even when we lived in her country she would never have seriously put herself out for us (also has a precious dog who she loves more than anything - do I detect a pattern here???).

But no, YWNBU to ask your family for support when your DC was seriously ill. If not at a time like that, when? Things like that don't happen on a schedule and sometimes we all have to put ourselves out a bit to support those we love in times of need.

It may not even be a consideration for many families, but is your DC1 their biological grandchild?

I’m sorry your dc was ill, that must have been terrible for you.

However. Two children, three adults. Why in earth did you feel the need to ask your in laws who live a 260 mile round trip to help out? For god’s sake!

@strumpert yes, I have to say I saw a brilliant psychiatrist last week. Best I've seen yet. And I've seen a lot of people!

Try reading the OP's first post. The GPs had dogs they'd left at home in order to join the 4 other adults, in order to let the OP and her DH sleep at the same time. Strangely although dogs aren't human and can be left alone a few hours they need a certain level of care and it's not always easy to find someone to care for them at short notice.

Am o correct on think you were in the hospital for 24 hours?

I was sympathetic, and indeed would have done the trip to help my DC, but then when I read about your in laws "prioritising their dogs" you lost me.

Seriously, and in the nicest possible way, what were they meant to do with the dogs at such short notice.

They would have weighed up the ask against the dogs being left, the distance, the existing support available etc. and possibly deemed it a teeny weeny bit unreasonable, but came anyway.

YABU.

Did your in-laws arrive after your child had been discharged?

@Sodamncold that's just spiteful

Op I don't think you're unreasonable to have both gone to hospital. If you're frightened for your child's life, of course you don't want to be at home napping when the worst happens.

Also don't think youre unreasonable to ask if you need help. HOWEVER . What was is you actually wanted them to do? I think, dep on their age, taking in sole care of a poorly child and a disabled child whilst both parents slept might have felt too much responsibility? How long were they with you and were they able to eat etc? Did you offer to up them up overnight?

That's a huge drip feed.

Of course they have commitments to their dogs. They came to help, they did what they could.

You sound a bit ungrateful, TBF.

for you. That all sounds awful. Your in laws were being arses. I've been at the hospital with my son not able to breathe, it is terrifying and you must have been exhausted. All the more stressful by you not being 100% too.

You were completely valid to ask for and in these circumstances, expect their help. My mum regularly drove that distance to help me when ours were little.

Hope you all get some rest.

Doesn’t explain with you thight they could do with their dogs op? Lock them outside for two days a night? Lock them inside for two days and a night?

It’s a very tight balance on here that you have to negotiate.
Don’t put out anyone by asking for help while simultaneously not allowing yourself to be a martyr and not ask for help when you’re exhausted.

They obviously don’t care enough to want to help. That’s all is boils down to.

It’s up to you where you go from here. I’d probably not care enough to make any trips to help them out in the future as they become older.

I do feel for you but I think your anxiety is colouring your expectations of others.

What do you expect them to do with the dogs when they come to you?

My inlaws are similar. They won’t stay away from home ever, they will only ever drive up and back in a day (around 150 mile round trip). They have adored dogs (as do we) that can’t come up to visit here with them because one of ours is dog reactive (but lovely with people). They are what they are - they can’t be relied on in an emergency situation and we have to accept that. I guess what I’m trying to say is, wanting your in laws to be something they are not is always going to lead to upset and disappointment. You can use this information to decide on your relationship and how to manage things in future.

Did that trolley need regular feeding, walking and general looking after?