Was it OK to ask family for help in this very stressful situation??

[JumpingFrogs12]

We had an emergency this week. One year old dc2 had to be ambulanced to hospital. It was very sudden and terrifying. We have another child who has special needs and stayed with one set of grandparents while we were at the hospital. Dc2's condition took a while to stabilise but we were discharged the following day. Had to go back in a few hours later unfortunately but then discharged again. Dh and I were absolutely exhausted.

Whilst in hospital, we asked the other set of grandparents if they'd be able to come to us and help at all. Especially with dc1 to give myself, dh and his other nan a break, get some sleep, look after dc2, etc. These grandparents live 130 miles away so not local. However, they do drive, are retired but in good health to our knowledge. They said they'd come the next day for a few hours.

When they arrived, I could just tell there was an edge to them. Fil asked a bit about about dc2 but MIL didn't. She wasn't empathic at all, no hugs, nothing. I felt like we'd put them out for the day. She was also very eager to leave once they'd done their help with dc1.

We appreciated them coming. They've driven to us in a day and back before but on their terms, not because we've asked. After the week we've had, I've been an emotional wreck and maybe I'm just being sensitive but it puts me off asking for help in that way again. I really felt like they resented coming even though their grandchild had been seriously ill in hospital. When they come to see us, they come for the arranged well in advance nice bits.

But if you can't ask family to help when there's been an emergency and everyone's struggling, when can you?
Were we wrong to ask? Should we never ask again?

Those people saying only one should have come - i imagine they shared the driving, which makes a 260 mile round trip a lot easier. Just one of them doing all that driving would be an even bigger ask.

They dropped everything and came to help.

I honestly can't imagine being cross with them for this. Is there something specific they asked them to do? Did they even really know what you needed?

When we have had emergency situations with DS2 we just have to take it in turns to catch up on sleep.

Well - did you expect them to just leave the dogs for amwho
day and night??

that would be animal cruelty - it wasn’t prioritizing the dogs to go back home and not leave them alone for a full day and night and then a lot of the next day!!

Sorry I'm of the - you probably shouldn't have asked them camp.

We have more than one child and take turns doing things. When my son was admitted this year I went and DH stayed at home holding the Fort.

You are very lucky that your parents helped out. But the other GPs are not local, they are not used to doing the childcare. They may be nervous too about the extra care you SN child requires. And their dogs are definitely their priority.....you can't just leave dogs overnight. It doesn't work like that.

I really hope your LO is back to full health.

YANBU, when my baby was in the hospital, I rang my Mum for help (over an hour away), she abandoned a half full trolley in the middle of an aisle in Tesco & high tailed it up the motorway.

Sometimes it takes situations like this to find out who you can really rely on in an emergency.

Hope your little one is recovering well & things have calmed down for all of you.

Given that you already had one set of GPS there, and the emergency bit of the situation was over, I wouldn't have asked them to drive that far just to give everyone a break, no

Agree. There was already a ratio of 4 adults to look after 2 children. I have 2 dds , one with SEN and she was taken to hospital by ambulance several times as a child, in status epilepticus which can have pretty serious repercussions.
There were no grandparents or friends around who could help, so I did the hospital stays and dh looked after the other at home. Yes, it was tiring while it lasted. Yes, it was very stressful. But I wouldn't have asked anyone to do a 260 mile round trip so we could both have a nap at the same time. Especially if I already had emergency help on hand. And it surprises me that anyone would.

You had four adults to swap in and out?

I have dogs and I couldn't leave them all day without paying for care for them

It was only two days?

i do get what you mean I’ve had this with my parents over the years . Don’t get me wrong they’d be there in an emergency but my dad especially would through it back in my face with comments afterwards such as you need more help etc . When it’s been literally can you just pick up dc from school he’s ill and I can’t get there .
it was always difficult asking my mum for help with the dc because my dad was extremely moody . It was literally I wasn’t allowed to ask my mum .
the thing was I was brought up that families help each other as the eldest sibling I looked after my younger siblings. I was told that the eldest helped out and looking back i an actually went above and beyond for a child . So you can imagine my dismay when I had mine that no my dad did not want to help out because he had more important stuff to do .
get your dh to ask what’s up but you are right you should be able to ask family in a emergency.
I hope dc is better now .

I would just say thank you and that you appreciate that they travelled all that way and back in one day. That's a helluva lot of travel and unless dc1 needs someone awake at night to provide care, I'm not sure why it required all of you. I've been in your shoes when dd had scarlet fever and it's terrifying, but dh had to stay home with our eldest and I called him to update. Hope lo is well.

I don't understand why it would take 6 adults to look after 2 children.
I think yabu you called they came , mil probably couldn't understand why you needed 2 more adults.

I wouldn't ask this of anyone. Especially as your DD was back home.

DS had several incidents like that as a baby and we just took turns. You have to when you have other DCs sometimes.

Equally though if asked and I didn't want to come, I wouldn't. I wouldn't come then sulk.

Sorry but I don't think they've done anything wrong. They came when asked and found there were 4 adults there already. I'm surprised you seem to think their dogs shouldn't be a priority, of course they should.

My Mum (who is amazing) sometimes tells me that when I ask her to do something that is out of her comfort zone or really is out of her way etc she will do it in an instant because that is what family do - but that I have to allow her not to be happy about it and just have a moment of moaning about it.

They came that is all that is important here. And you have to respect that you asked them a lot and to put themselves out and that they are allowed that emotion

I felt like we'd put them out for the day. She was also very eager to leave once they'd done their help with dc1.

You had done though - it didnt need two parents overnight (and I have never seen two parents overnight at the times I have been in with DS) and you had one grandparent.

And yes I imagine they did want to get back before it was too late.

To be honest, if you know this is what MIL is like, I'm not sure why you asked. My in laws live about 30 miles away but I would not expect them to come and help, especially when I already had it from my own parents. I've been there and it's stressful but realistically what could they have done additionally to help? Sounds like they came but didn't actually do much anyway!

I don’t think you should have asked them, it’s a really long way to drive to give just a few hours help, what exactly did they do?
Why didn’t you suggest they bring the dog and stay overnight it might have made them feel they actually added valuable support instead of probably feeling they drove all that way and didn’t contribute much.
I would just be thankful that they came at all and certainly wouldn’t be uppity about it.

But they can be relied on.

it wasn’t an emergency but they still dropped everything to drive 130 miles each way to help out. How on Earth are they the bad people here?

op I hope you and your husband thanked them for the help.

Do you think it’s possible they felt they weren’t really needed? 5 adults for 2 children is quite a lot. And they did travel quite a long way. Did they know your mum was helping out as well?

Our toddler DC1 spent 5 days in hospital as an emergency admission when DC2 was 6 weeks old. We were so lucky that my mum was staying with us when DC1 fell I’ll, so Mum stayed home with DC2 while DH and I spent 24 hours in the hospital with no sleep. After that we did a rotation with DH sleeping at the hospital with me relieving him during the day. Mum was at home and helped whoever was there with caring for DC2. It was quite a stressful week but we didn’t feel we needed more people.

I wouldn’t make a big thing of it or feel offended. Might be worth your DP letting them know to please speak up if it’s not convenient to help in the future.

What do you expect them to do with their dogs?

Hope your little one is recovering well OP and you've all managed to bounce back.

I don't think you're being unreasonable asking and neither are they being unreasonable in being in a rush to get back.

However I have to agree with the above posters my second dc had meningitis at two weeks old - we spent a long time in hosptial. My husband and I took turns - one would stay with him whilst the other nipped home to take the eldest to nursery/ clean the house / wash and the days my dh worked I looked after the eldest whilst my mum stepped In and sat with him at hospital then once my dh came home I'd go to the hosptial and swap with my mum. It's really hard and I sympathise.

You were discharged within 24 hours

and you already asked the other set of grandparents to come and give you and the Nan a break?

somewhat ott

I can see this both ways op as a mother and 60 something MIL (no gc yet).

When ds was little he had chronic asthma after a bout of bronchiolitis for about a year. The first hospital admission was for five days. I took him immediately after a trip to the Dr and she told me to pack a bag for a few days. DH carried on going to work. It was fine. My mother came the following week for a few days so I could go to work. No other babies at that time.

When ds was about 6 he broke his arm badly and was admitted to hospital. Quick call to nursery who kept dd for the afternoon session and dh had to adjourn a case and collect her at 3.15pm.

We would never, ever have expected grandparents to drop everything to help in those circumstances as we could manage. To be honest I can't imagine the luxury of having one set on hand to help.

I think, like your MIL, I'd have been a bit put out at being called to help in what was actually not an emergency as there were 4 adults on hand. I don't see why both you and your dh had to be at the hospital. I'd have rolled my eyes a bit in the circs if you were my dil.

My MIL has never hugged me; I have never hugged DIL. We aren't that type and it bears nothing about the relationship.

I think it was fine to ask, they could have said no. But maybe felt they couldn’t. If it was me in their situation I would probably have arranged to stay over. That’s a long way to drive in one day. But then they would have to arrange a dog Walker etc.
I think grandparents as they get older like their routine and plenty of notice. I have realised.
I no longer have any grandparents nearby to help they all moved further away.
I have learnt to ask friends for help in these situations.
I don’t know your child’s hospital situation but I would have been tempted to swap between you and dh, doing the hospital shifts.

I think you were unreasonable to expect elderly grandparents to drive such a long distance to help. 6 adults to look after 2 children is complete overkill. Of course they would be keen to rush back to their dog, as would any responsible dog owner. It's to their great credit that they came when you summoned them, but I can understand why they may have felt is was an unreasonable request, even in such serious circumstances.

Most parents would be capable of managing this situation as a couple. I have a child with serious complex health issues and generally it's me that goes to the hospital with him, whilst my husband cares for the other children at home. There's absolutely no need to involve 4 other adults in the situation.

Op you were discharged within 24 hours and you were already scrounging around for “a break”

and the nan in the equation had had dc1 for a few hours by this point!

As a single parent I'm finding this situation mind boggling. 6 adults to look after 2 children?! I would think you were a total drama lama