Was it OK to ask family for help in this very stressful situation??

[JumpingFrogs12]

We had an emergency this week. One year old dc2 had to be ambulanced to hospital. It was very sudden and terrifying. We have another child who has special needs and stayed with one set of grandparents while we were at the hospital. Dc2's condition took a while to stabilise but we were discharged the following day. Had to go back in a few hours later unfortunately but then discharged again. Dh and I were absolutely exhausted.

Whilst in hospital, we asked the other set of grandparents if they'd be able to come to us and help at all. Especially with dc1 to give myself, dh and his other nan a break, get some sleep, look after dc2, etc. These grandparents live 130 miles away so not local. However, they do drive, are retired but in good health to our knowledge. They said they'd come the next day for a few hours.

When they arrived, I could just tell there was an edge to them. Fil asked a bit about about dc2 but MIL didn't. She wasn't empathic at all, no hugs, nothing. I felt like we'd put them out for the day. She was also very eager to leave once they'd done their help with dc1.

We appreciated them coming. They've driven to us in a day and back before but on their terms, not because we've asked. After the week we've had, I've been an emotional wreck and maybe I'm just being sensitive but it puts me off asking for help in that way again. I really felt like they resented coming even though their grandchild had been seriously ill in hospital. When they come to see us, they come for the arranged well in advance nice bits.

But if you can't ask family to help when there's been an emergency and everyone's struggling, when can you?
Were we wrong to ask? Should we never ask again?

You already had one set of grandparents involved so 4 adults in the situation. You are lucky to have that so no asking them to drive 260 miles is ridiculous.

Im glad dc is better.

The PILs did fucking turn up. They did 'care enough' to drive 120 miles and join the other two GPs so the OP and her husband could rest at the same time.

I’ce read your update, you still sound ungrateful and selfish. What did you expect them to do with their dogs, leave them at home? You don’t need that many adults to look after 2 children, it’s ridiculous to have them drive that far. You need to send them flowers, but you won’t because it seems you can’t see anyone elses perspective but your own.

Spiteful?

Forgive me if I regard your view on people’s behaviour on the basis of this thread as not one I’m inclined to agree with!!

Appreciate it was a stressful situation etc, but what more did you want from your in laws?

OP, you are very self-absorbed: you are prioritising your anxiety way way above the inconvenience to your PIL.

YABU. You need to think of others more. It will also help your mental health.

tbh sounds like your anxiety is making you self centred.

i understand very well severe anxiety. It’s not an excuse to make other peoples lives revolve around your dysfunction - I’ve seen it happen a lot and it’s unreasonable.

particuoarly given that you expect them to do all this driving - leave their dogs unlooked after - becaue you won’t manage your anxiety.

i imagine this is not the first time

Turning up and making it clear you’d rather be anywhere else and completely resent being there is as bad, if not worse, than not turning up at all.

Spiteful to suggest iIi send your inlaws a bunch of flowers and thank you note?

heavens. You have a different understanding to spiteful then… well, anyone I know! 😂

Well they couldn’t not look after their dogs.

I know it’s stressful but I’m not sure why you needed 6 adults to look after 2 children.

I'm really sorry that you've had a scary situation with your child and that you are struggling with your mental health but I'd hazard a guess that your MIL was a bit miffed at maybe having to cancel her own plans, leave the dogs and travel all that way when your child wasn't even still in hospital.
All presumably, at very short notice.

I hope your child is ok now but I do think you should show some gratitude and send them some flowers or something to say thanks for dropping everything.

My mum and dad (and their respective other halves - they are divorced and remarried) are only 30-40 miles away and neither would have come in this situation, whereas my in laws who are a similar distance away would be there in a heartbeat. I've learned that it's wasted energy trying to change that or getting upset about it.

I do feel for you but I think your anxiety is colouring your expectations of others.

This.

Your anxiety meant you had more of a reaction to your DC being in hospital. DC would have been OK with one parent overnight. That's what the majority would have done if they were as tired as you said.

Your issue is that your MiL did help out but she didn't carry herself with enough concern and worry for your liking? Ok.

Yes, I do think it was a long long way for them to come. I wouldn't have asked. By that point, your littlest was no longer in danger. The only remaining problems were that the four local adults were completely exhausted and still very upset after the frightening episode.

At that stage the four of you could have coped somehow.

I can imagine that they knew they couldn't really say 'no' to this, but felt duty bound to come. I would have tried to have cover up any negative feelings in their position to spare yours, but some people aren't good at doing that I guess. If it were my parents at that distance, I know my mum would come without hesitation under those circumstances (and leave my dad behind who wouldn't be much help) and if it were my ILs they would... probably come but might be a bit grumpy about it; or my MIL would just be so upset about the ill child that she wouldn't be much help, so I probably wouldn't ask them in the first place.

You weren't wrong to ask for help on this occasion, but I think it's a sign not to again, and please God you will never have to anyway.

Hope your little one is making a good recovery.

I agree with this. You can't expect them to behave or think or feel things that you want them to. My family would be similar and I'm used to it so I wouldn't think much of it and I would definitely ask for help in the future if I wanted it, making sure that they knew it was optional.

Only one parent staying is actively encouraged by hospitals and indeed most actually ask that only one stay

These situations are indeed worrying and I hope your child is fine but I think family dynamics are an odd thing, my parents would drop everything if one of us even sneezed, some not so much.

Royal free for example

Staying overnight in hospital with your child
One parent or carer can stay overnight with their child.

Reclining chairs are provided for you to sleep beside your child.

But they did do it. Perhaps they had to cancel a hospital appointment or a much-anticipated arrangement with friends or day surgery for cataracts or something. Perhaps they have health issues that they don't share. Perhaps they have difficulties driving in the dark and avoid it as much as they can. And as the owner of an elderly dog who can't just be dumped for the day with a neighbour, this trip to help you out for a few hours may have cost them serious money. No idea how many dogs they have but short-notice kennels aren't cheap.

There are innumerable genuine reasons why they might have seemed less than thrilled. Perhaps they spent the hours with you worrying that they were going to have to drive home in the dark and poor weather. Perhaps when they got there things seemed under control and they couldn't understand why you'd called on them, at such cost and inconvenience, when a friend or neighbour could have helped out. Where are your friends and neighbours, OP? Why was there no one locally who could have stepped up?

With all the posters saying that one parent was enough in the hospital (I'm not disputing the enough btw but find it very understandable that both parents wanted to be there)....

Why are we pretending that the grandparents couldn't have simply split up?

One with the dogs, one to go to OP. Seeing as 1 adult is generally enough to look after 2 dogs.

I do not believe that the OP (or her DH?) was wrong to ask if they gave the grandparents all the facts. (Child back home, other grandparents there etc.)

I think they probably felt a bit unclear on what you needed, and the emergency had passed? So they were there to do the tea and sympathy bit rather than anything practical? Plus for a lot of people a short admission isn't a big deal, depending on their own past experiences. So maybe they didn't really see the need when they got there and unfortunately MiL showed that her priorities had reverted to the dogs now there was no 'crisis' with the gc?

YANBU I can imagine ourselves in this situation , I wouldn't even class ours as close families but if our only DS was in hospital, especially something as traumatic and life threatening as an asthma attack. All his grandparents and most of his aunties/uncles would be falling over themselves to help

Honest
y, I wouldn’t drive 130 miles for you, and with dogs at home too. Sadly dogs cannot just be left.
Ive had children in hospital too, and not the luxury of my own mother coming over, as she doesn’t drive, husband and I have just coped, my mother did have the other child at her house, while husband at hospital too, then he collected her, on his way home.
I’ve come out of hospital after having a baby, got home and had to put washing in the washer, and just get on with everything generally, as have most of us.
I think it was too much to expect them to make such a huge drive.
And they were very good sports for having done it too, no matter how much they love you all.
im not that old, but find long journeys a real pain now.