Page 24 | Was it OK to ask family for help in this very stressful situation??

JumpingFrogs12 · 2023-01-15T08:46:39+00:00

We had an emergency this week. One year old dc2 had to be ambulanced to hospital. It was very sudden and terrifying. We have another child who has special needs and stayed with one set of grandparents while we were at the hospital. Dc2's condition took a while to stabilise but we were discharged the following day. Had to go back in a few hours later unfortunately but then discharged again. Dh and I were absolutely exhausted. Whilst in hospital, we asked the other set of grandparents if they'd be able to come to us and help at all. Especially with dc1 to give myself, dh and his other nan a break, get some sleep, look after dc2, etc. These grandparents live 130 miles away so not local. However, they do drive, are retired but in good health to our knowledge. They said they'd come the next day for a few hours. When they arrived, I could just tell there was an edge to them. Fil asked a bit about about dc2 but MIL didn't. She wasn't empathic at all, no hugs, nothing. I felt like we'd put them out for the day. She was also very eager to leave once they'd done their help with dc1. We appreciated them coming. They've driven to us in a day and back before but on their terms, not because we've asked. After the week we've had, I've been an emotional wreck and maybe I'm just being sensitive but it puts me off asking for help in that way again. I really felt like they resented coming even though their grandchild had been seriously ill in hospital. When they come to see us, they come for the arranged well in advance nice bits. But if you can't ask family to help when there's been an emergency and everyone's struggling, when can you? Were we wrong to ask? Should we never ask again?

User359472111111 · 17/01/2023 10:26

katepilar · 17/01/2023 08:56

I think it at least partly is a cultural thing. Family ties are kind of loose in lots families in the UK in my view.
I am not surprised though, when I realise that a/lots of babies sleep a room of their own and many are sleep trained b/ maternity leave is short and nursery starts at very young age c/ school starts at very young age and school days are generally long d/ young people usually move out to universities far away and dont see their families very often.

Show quote history

Agree. It’s so sad.

ChamberLink · 17/01/2023 10:35

This thread continues to shock me.

TheYChromosome · 17/01/2023 11:35

JumpingFrogs12 · 16/01/2023 21:28

I think it's time I step away from this thread. I'm questioning myself as to why I did it in the first place.

It's just making me feel depressed and worse about myself. Sometimes I come onto mumsnet in order to anonymously put my feelings out there thinking it will help, and it can feel freeing in the moment but as a pp said, you have to be thick skinned for the responses. And I'm not that person at the moment.

In the last few months my mental health has spiralled. I have a multitude of mental health issues and they got really bad around Christmas. My anxiety and ocd has been overwhelming, self harming has increased, difficulty sleeping and I have lost a lot of weight. Plus the pressure of caring for my dcs and working.
I was at the priory last week, my meds have been increased, I'm receiving therapy. My anxiety is so bad that my gp and therapist ask me about my support network and I've been told by them not to be alone. Therefore, I think it was right that my dh was with me in the hospital.

I hope that should the situation arise again and we had an emergency, maybe I would have coped better if id been stronger. After reading about pp's on here saying how they coped on their own in tough situations, it makes me feel ashamed of myself.

As far as I'm concerned now, my inlaws are not part of mine or my families support network. We'll keep contact on their terms and if they want to see us when they want to, we'll keep it at that. Bottom line is, no more asking. Mil showing her resentment at coming to us so obviously, isn't what we needed. It's really effected me.

What I need to focus on, is the fact our dc2 is getting better now, that I do have my dh and parents and that I need to get myself better. Why am I letting my mil and nasty people on mumsnet bring me down even more?!

Thank you to everyone who has been understanding and kind.

@JumpingFrogs12 I haven’t read the whole thread and read very quickly your updates but as some said do ignore some of the people who responded, those that ranged from unkind to just vicious.

I can only imagine some of them are not in a good place themselves, life treated them unkind and might feel that you are still lucky despite of your situation being far from ideal. And I guess there are those that just like to be nasty for the sake of it. The level of nit picking and opinions, again haven’t read the full thread, also suggest some people have their own experiences and reflect and project it onto you.

The posts on here can always only give a snapshot of a situation, no-one will ever from reading a post understand the full dynamics of one’s whole extended family.

You asked your in-laws for help, albeit, it was a decent drive. Maybe some people wouldn’t even think to ask someone to drive that distance, and that is fine. Equally it is fine if you do ask. It didn’t quite work out in this specific situation and based on that you decided what you would do in the future. All of that seems perfectly fine to me.

What is very unfortunate is that there are so many people, as mentioned above, who are in a bad place themselves and project it onto others, in this case yourself. And of course then those who just like to be nasty. Unfortunately, posts on MN will not solve their problems.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 17/01/2023 12:05

ChamberLink · 16/01/2023 21:38

I'm still reeling from what feels like the majority of these responses. I'm irish & this simply wouldn't happen in my own family. Is it a culture thing? I genuinely don't get it? I feel terribly for you OP - please don't let these bizzare responses bring you down
Honestly it's like the misery Olympics here sometimes.

I'm Irish too and there definitely is a difference, we live in Scotland close to in laws who WILL help but for exampl last hospitalisation retired in laws had our youngest for a few hours once and visited hospital once, we were very grateful but MY family? They'd have been at the hospital taking the baby and they'd have shared it between them and we'd have had nothing but the odd photo message while she played with her cousins. I think I've learnt not to expect that in the UK

leatherboundbooks · 17/01/2023 13:35

OP I'm ten years older than your in laws and in a situation like yours I'd have come and helped as much as I could, and I wasn't even retired. I get the dogs have to be taken care of, you can't just leave them so either one of them come, or bring the dogs and Mol takes them for a nice long walk and they kip over. They are not too old to sofa sleep or airbed sleep. Well I'm not and certainly at their age unless infirm they can. Ten years ago (so similar age to them) I did have to jump on a train for an emergency and can't imagine not doing that. As for your dad, what do you think the response would have been on here had someone had a loved ones funeral not gone as it should because he wasn't there and the reason was one that could have been dealt with by someone else who was retired, maybe there were loved ones being ministered to and he couldn't just drop things.
I had I laws that didn't help in difficult times and they were closer than yours and early retired. I had to learn that help would never come however hard things were, oddly when they wanted help they made sure they got it, even from us who were not retired, even for things where there was loads of voluntary help, and easier ways of doing things. Some people are just takers
I hope those who are criticizing you never end up in a difficult situation that they genuinely need help with, as they will. Find it hard to do as they say you should do.
I grew up in a family that would help each other in difficult sutuations and find it hard to understand why some don't if they are able to

ColdAndSuch · 17/01/2023 13:58

JumpingFrogs12 · 16/01/2023 21:28

I think it's time I step away from this thread. I'm questioning myself as to why I did it in the first place.

It's just making me feel depressed and worse about myself. Sometimes I come onto mumsnet in order to anonymously put my feelings out there thinking it will help, and it can feel freeing in the moment but as a pp said, you have to be thick skinned for the responses. And I'm not that person at the moment.

In the last few months my mental health has spiralled. I have a multitude of mental health issues and they got really bad around Christmas. My anxiety and ocd has been overwhelming, self harming has increased, difficulty sleeping and I have lost a lot of weight. Plus the pressure of caring for my dcs and working.
I was at the priory last week, my meds have been increased, I'm receiving therapy. My anxiety is so bad that my gp and therapist ask me about my support network and I've been told by them not to be alone. Therefore, I think it was right that my dh was with me in the hospital.

I hope that should the situation arise again and we had an emergency, maybe I would have coped better if id been stronger. After reading about pp's on here saying how they coped on their own in tough situations, it makes me feel ashamed of myself.

As far as I'm concerned now, my inlaws are not part of mine or my families support network. We'll keep contact on their terms and if they want to see us when they want to, we'll keep it at that. Bottom line is, no more asking. Mil showing her resentment at coming to us so obviously, isn't what we needed. It's really effected me.

What I need to focus on, is the fact our dc2 is getting better now, that I do have my dh and parents and that I need to get myself better. Why am I letting my mil and nasty people on mumsnet bring me down even more?!

Thank you to everyone who has been understanding and kind.

OP - you’re doing really well. You don’t need to justify yourself. You were right to ask, and some of the responses on this thread are really, really depressing.

Madamum18 · 17/01/2023 14:43

LaDamaDeElche · 16/01/2023 20:40

What a truly awful person you are to post something like that.

Show quote history

Dear me PersonnonGarter !!!

GrinAndVomit · 21/01/2023 22:41

ColdAndSuch · 17/01/2023 13:58

OP - you’re doing really well. You don’t need to justify yourself. You were right to ask, and some of the responses on this thread are really, really depressing.

Show quote history

Totally agree.
I don’t think it’s too much to ask your in laws for support when they’re both retired and your mum is struggling. They didn’t both need to come if the dogs needed to be stayed with.
It’s not too much to expect them to be concerned for their grandchild being rushed to hospital with breathing problems.
It’s not too much to expect them to be concerned for their son who is going through his baby being rushed to hospital with breathing problems.

We really do live on a miserable little island.

I hope you start to feel better xx