Was it OK to ask family for help in this very stressful situation??

[JumpingFrogs12]

We had an emergency this week. One year old dc2 had to be ambulanced to hospital. It was very sudden and terrifying. We have another child who has special needs and stayed with one set of grandparents while we were at the hospital. Dc2's condition took a while to stabilise but we were discharged the following day. Had to go back in a few hours later unfortunately but then discharged again. Dh and I were absolutely exhausted.

Whilst in hospital, we asked the other set of grandparents if they'd be able to come to us and help at all. Especially with dc1 to give myself, dh and his other nan a break, get some sleep, look after dc2, etc. These grandparents live 130 miles away so not local. However, they do drive, are retired but in good health to our knowledge. They said they'd come the next day for a few hours.

When they arrived, I could just tell there was an edge to them. Fil asked a bit about about dc2 but MIL didn't. She wasn't empathic at all, no hugs, nothing. I felt like we'd put them out for the day. She was also very eager to leave once they'd done their help with dc1.

We appreciated them coming. They've driven to us in a day and back before but on their terms, not because we've asked. After the week we've had, I've been an emotional wreck and maybe I'm just being sensitive but it puts me off asking for help in that way again. I really felt like they resented coming even though their grandchild had been seriously ill in hospital. When they come to see us, they come for the arranged well in advance nice bits.

But if you can't ask family to help when there's been an emergency and everyone's struggling, when can you?
Were we wrong to ask? Should we never ask again?

And yet here you are also.

There are some grim people around tonight. Thinking of you OP, hang in there.

Hey OP
Hope you and your family are getting better.
For what it is worth , my money is on them having a row in the car on the drive to your place. Probably nothing to do with you. Maybe he dug up her favourite hyacinth bulbs. Who knows?
When you feel better, ring and thank them for coming and then forget about it. Nobody is at their best when there are sick kiddies about.
Don't cross them off your list of helpers as they did make the effort , and if you end up in a similar situation ( speaking from experience here where it went on for years) then you will find that many people drop away very quickly. In-laws tend to hang around - not always in a way you want but they tend to be there.
Best wishes.

Phenomenally good advice here. Act with grace and remember that they do care for the same people that you do (dc, dh).

130 miles each way because, essentially you needed to catch up some sleep is too much. No wonder she was pissed off.

Still no mention of why OP's dad, local and in a caring profession and calling, did nothing to help. And got a complete pass on that.

OP, is your MIL aware of all this? No, you don’t owe it to her to tell her your private medical info. But, equally, if she didn’t know she can’t be blamed for not knowing and acting accordingly. I’m guessing your own parents know, or know better?

I think the title of your thread was leading and misleading. You didn’t really need help with the DC. You both work, your eldest has special needs, you need medical attention, and yet you are normally getting through life okay. Things got worse around Christmas and you sought help. Sounds to me like you’re doing what you need to be doing. You’re looking after your own DC.

Really what you needed over the weekend was help for yourself. The children were being looked after. But you struggled to cope. If you’d asked whether it was okay for you to ask for help for yourself, given you’ve just been discharged from the priory, you wouldn’t have got the “it doesn’t take 6 adults to look after two children” replies.

And, if you hadn’t told your MIL you needed help for you, and specifically what type of help you needed (hugs, reassurance, comfort etc) she can’t be blamed for not giving it to you.

You write with steeliness and logic, but it does seem as though you’re lashing out at your MIL (why aren’t you hauling your own Dad over the coals? Why isn’t your DH figuring more in all this?). You seem to have had a specific expectation of her which wasn’t met.

My god - why are people still asking about OPs dad? She's explained that he works & works in a v sensitive area so asking him to leave work would presumably be a v last resort. She also says her dad did help out when he finished work. Her mum minded their ds

Her inlaws are retired & in good health & they asked if one of them could assist her mum with their shared grandson who has special needs. They, for their own reasons, opted to come together

I seriously can't believe that the OP, despite openly admitting to her own poor health, is continuing to receive such a hard time. Why do people have so little empathy? It's actually disturbing!
Do posters think the OP should have only asked for help from her own parents & asked her dad to leave his work in preference to asking her dcs other grandparents if they could help? I don't get it..

Exactly this and I would be contacting the in-laws to thank them.

OP, I just wanted to send you a handhold (if you're still reading). You did nothing wrong and I hope your DC is recovering.
Also I hope you'll start to feel better soon.

very well said.

I'm really sorry to hear of this challenging time on a number of fronts, OP. I wonder whether (and this is meant in the kindest possible of ways), that you need to find some more resilient and reliable ways forward for support. Many families don't have the luxury of both parents being able to concentrate on one child (for example, my father was forces, and left Mum with the 3 of us, all under 5; no close family nearby/or with a relationship.)

So, maybe you look at having some other respite care, which might be able to be accessed in an emergency for DC1, and/or you work towards your health being better, so that you and your husband can tag team with the kids. I know that won't be workable for you right now, but sounds like your support from family will continue to be limited, so maybe it's best to plan for coping without them.
Wishing you all improved circumstance.

They were there less than 24 hours and insisted the “emergency” necessitated elderly relatives drop everything for a 260km round trip. Less than 24 hours sounds like constipation or a typical cold & flu virus. It’s not like the child swallowed a button battery or had meningitis. The OP is demanding and utterly ridiculous.

I think it was fine to ask for help, but they also were being asked to do a lot - they have dogs to look after, and a long round trip to make. TBH, once you were home from hospital I can see that they might think that making the trip just to give you a break was asking a lot.

But the point really is they turned up, as asked. My Mum always behaved pretty much the same as your MIL - she is now gone (six weeks ago) and I wish I had been less frustrated with what I thought was unreasonable, and seen things more from her point of view.

best of luck.

it's quite astounding that there are a lot of nasty comments about a MIL who did a 260 mile round trip (but wasn't overjoyed to find when she arrived that Defcon 1 had been downgraded to "we need to nap") and none at all for OPs father who spent time ministering to non-relatives while his daughter was in a complete panic. Even though as it's his job he would have been the best person to be there for her.

Sexism and ageism. Plus ca change, MN, plus ca change.

Why should he have to leave work when there are retired people available to help?

saraclara
Still no mention of why OP's dad, local and in a caring profession and calling, did nothing to help. And got a complete pass on that.

I would think op is used to her DD job coming before her .

My husband had a really bad accident, really really bad, badly enough for several surgeries,

his mum, “we won’t come back and ruin the week away, (less than 100 miles away) you’ll be fine, see you next week”

me 😮

its not just grandparents; these people are amongst us!

Are you just deliberately ignoring the information given in her updates and quoted in other responses in order to justify your bitterness. Her PIL are in their 50s. Her dc had breathing difficulties and I’m not sure where you got less than 24 hours hours from.

I think you’re really struggling and resentful for what you went through with your dc and the fact that you had to do it alone. I too sometimes have feelings of resentment that others have families who would do anything for them and I was given parents who at times have made me feel like I’ve needed to apologise for being born. However, I’m also fully aware that these are my own issues I need to work through and I think you could really do with some therapy before your trauma does you further damage

I think it at least partly is a cultural thing. Family ties are kind of loose in lots families in the UK in my view.
I am not surprised though, when I realise that a/lots of babies sleep a room of their own and many are sleep trained b/ maternity leave is short and nursery starts at very young age c/ school starts at very young age and school days are generally long d/ young people usually move out to universities far away and dont see their families very often.

@JumpingFrogs12 Dear OP, I’m so sorry for the situation you found yourself in and for some off the horrible responses you’ve had on here. It’s obvious you’re very emotionally vulnerable at the moment so for people to pile in is just horrible. I guess it demonstrates we aren’t all the same and can’t all be compassionate and perhaps your mil falls in that category.

when I read your post I couldn’t believe you would think it was unreasonable to have asked your family for help. If I had a child with additional needs and then one that went into hospital I know without doubt my parents and in laws would swoop in, help out, cook meals and generally cushion us with support for as long as we needed. Add in the mental health issues you’ve also been experiencing and I cannot understand why they wouldn’t be desperate to help and support you in any way they could.

Your experience in covid sounds awful and it’s not surprising you’ve got some ptsd from it. I hope your little one gets better and I hope you have time and support to heal.

No matter how inconvenienced your mil was I can’t believe she couldn’t hide that and ask how you and dc2 are and want to care for you all. The issue is very much with her not you.

take care of yourself x

I wonder what OPs husband thinks of his Mums reaction. Maybe she was a bit sour but it's not a reason to react like the OP has and essentially write her off. It wouldn't be surprising if the OP hasn't read the MILs mood right. It was a stressful and tiring situation. Maybe the OP and her husband came across as rude in their tiredness.

In stressful situation everyone should just try and be as gracious and accepting of everyone else as possible.
The OP is blowing this up.

If the MILs in her 50s she's probably menopausal!

Only on planet mumsnet is being in your 50s elderly and your child not breathing is not an emergency.

Ask MN to shut the flipping thread down @JumpingFrogs12. There are some unpleasant people on this thread who live sad lives of loneliness and meanness who have decided to try to teach you to be more like them. Don’t let them get to you.