Was it OK to ask family for help in this very stressful situation??

[JumpingFrogs12]

We had an emergency this week. One year old dc2 had to be ambulanced to hospital. It was very sudden and terrifying. We have another child who has special needs and stayed with one set of grandparents while we were at the hospital. Dc2's condition took a while to stabilise but we were discharged the following day. Had to go back in a few hours later unfortunately but then discharged again. Dh and I were absolutely exhausted.

Whilst in hospital, we asked the other set of grandparents if they'd be able to come to us and help at all. Especially with dc1 to give myself, dh and his other nan a break, get some sleep, look after dc2, etc. These grandparents live 130 miles away so not local. However, they do drive, are retired but in good health to our knowledge. They said they'd come the next day for a few hours.

When they arrived, I could just tell there was an edge to them. Fil asked a bit about about dc2 but MIL didn't. She wasn't empathic at all, no hugs, nothing. I felt like we'd put them out for the day. She was also very eager to leave once they'd done their help with dc1.

We appreciated them coming. They've driven to us in a day and back before but on their terms, not because we've asked. After the week we've had, I've been an emotional wreck and maybe I'm just being sensitive but it puts me off asking for help in that way again. I really felt like they resented coming even though their grandchild had been seriously ill in hospital. When they come to see us, they come for the arranged well in advance nice bits.

But if you can't ask family to help when there's been an emergency and everyone's struggling, when can you?
Were we wrong to ask? Should we never ask again?

This is the best response. I think the MIL is a saint for coming all that way at the drop of a hat when asked and arrived to find 4 other adults there and 2 children. No wonder she was miffed when she realised there were 4 of you already there.

Well I think you are unreasonable. And what exactly did you expect the inlaws to do with their dogs? It isn't that they 'take priority ' it is that they need to be cared for, they couldn't be left overnight.

And six adults for 2 children is excessive, four adults for 2 regardless of illness is a luxury. Splitting between hospitals even in the worst of times is the reality for most families with other children.

You have had a stressful time but it isn't your MIl fault.

Who did the asking, and how did that conversation go? Might they have felt a bit coerced during that conversation? I think it's only decent to help family out, but if I'd already said "no I can't", I wouldn't like to be pressured into it (if that's what happened).

This. Absolutely ridiculous.

They were asked, they came.

They drove a long way, probably sharing the drive. They probably wanted to get back before late (older people’s eyes are not so good driving at night)

They have dogs, who they had left for a number of hours in order to prioritise your children.

I’d say thank you to be honest.

Perhaps your MIL was on edge about the dogs as I'd imagine they weren't able to access kennels for them. Either way I'd ask your DH to thank them and stress how much of an emergency it was for yourselves. Perhaps they've just not picked up on how serious the incident was although it does seem very obtuse of them.

Why did you need them, was there a good reason why your parents could not have continued to help? I think you were unreasonable to get them to travel for this, and I have had a child in hospital and you do just have to tag team. But you didn't even need to do this as you had people nearby.

That's a hell of a distance to ask someone to come and help...let alone someone with their own responsibilities. Their dogs weren't given the priority, otherwise they would have said no. They came and helped. You can't just leave dogs all day like that. I suspect your MIL was worried that the dogs had been left one for a really long time. Do you expect them to give the dogs up to be available to help other members of the family?

Op, your inlaws sound just like mine in the past. The mother in law had a backstory of resentment so anything like this would be done grudgingly. The father in law just acted more normal. I think you just need to remember they are different and next time don't rely on them. In these cases, sometimes people have a bitterness which is all consuming.

I'd be annoyed too, if I'd driven that far to help out, and found that the other grandparents were there already. What on earth did you all do ? 6 adults looking after 2 kids is ridiculous.

Op won’t be back

but I hope she’s got the message loud and clear

send your inlaws a bunch of flowers and a thank you note for downing tools, arranging emergency dog care and driving 130 miles to join 4 adults looking after 2 children on the grounds that one of them has been on hospital for 24 hours and then discharged

you won’t though will you Op

I’ve just realised I misread and thought you had 5 adults where you actually had 6! I get that it’s scary, as I said I’ve been through this myself. But I think you were a bit OTT.

I’ve spent my fair share of time in children’s A&E and the vast majority of children are accompanied by only one parent. We felt extremely lucky that mum was visiting and DC2 was such an easy baby so we could both go in for the first 24 hrs. At the same time we were in hospital there was a single mum of 3 kids with a child with a chronic illness. She said it was their 4th admission that year.

Quite shitty of people to turn up in a sneery mood - even if they have come far - when their actual grandchild is in hospital! YANBU OP

Oops, just reread your post, so there were lots more adults there? Then perhaps she thought you should have coped yourself and didn't realise how serious it was.

Take it you didn’t read

4 adults
2 children
child discharged within 24 hours

OK, lesson for me - read the OP properly 🤣

Didn’t realise there were already 2 adults watching the other child, plus a parent who could be there when not as hospital. I think you maybe over reacted OP (understandable, it’s a scary thing to have happen)

You did nothing wrong imo. And it is IMO perfectly understandable that both parents wanted to be with their younger child when said child was in a critical condition! (really not sure why some poster's seem to find that unreasonable. What if the child had died?)

Anyhow, in regards to your inlaws:

I believe that asking was perfectly fine. If they felt coerced or similar? that does however seem like a conversation issue.
Did you ask them or did your DH? Your DH should probably be the one to (primarily) communicate with them.

I believe that you may simply have incompatible views in regards to family and child rearing. They had to do it alone and therefore expect you to struggle alone as well.
You and your side of the family clearly don't see it the same way... The solution is to just not ask them if a similar situation were to reoccur.

I am however assuming that you told the inlawas what you told us here.

And that it wasn't some sort of "DC2 in hospital, we need help" kind of message.

read the Op

4 adults
2 children
hospitalised child discharged within 24 hours

I personally wouldn’t have asked them to travel that distance to help out, it’s different if they had offered.
You already had one set of grandparents there. I’d be pretty miffed travelling that distance to see that you had plenty of help.

I don't really understand why you needed them tbh. Sounds like the immediate emergency was over and and it was just that you were tired. They did it though didn't they? I think you are being unreasonable criticising them.

I think you were unreasonable to ask them to come so far in the circumstances. It wasn't an emergency. You needed to sleep in shifts.if you were both tired.

Absolutely this. Ridiculous ask.

I’m not quite sure what the problem is. You asked them to come. They came. They maybe couldn’t see why they needed to come given there were 4 adults looking after 2 kids, but they did. God knows, I am not a dog lover - but if they have dogs they would have needed to get back to sort them out if they hadn’t arranged dog care (and given you asked them at very short notice, this probably wasn’t possible). Hope your sick child is soon much better; these situations are awfully upsetting. I think you’re maybe judging them a bit harshly through this lens, though.

I would drop everything to go and help with my nephews (who live 4 hour drive away) in this situation. In hindsight with knowing DD2 would be fine maybe one of you and DH could have stayed with DC1, but at the time when it felt serious of course you both wanted to be there. If I’d gone to help I would only be relieved if it turned out not to be anything serious and nephew was discharged after 24 hours.