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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen do dilemma

266 replies

Soon2bemumoftwo · 13/01/2023 03:15

i am currently a mum to a 21 month old and 2 and a half month old which has its obvious challenges and stresses however recently I got into a discussion with my
husband which has really saddened me and want to know everyone else’s opinion.
Before having my second child my friends began organising for our friends hen do which will take place 4 hours away from
home and over a 3 day period which I agreed to. As it has gotten closer my husband has become anxious about being left with the kids and is now saying he will look after them but believes at 4 months old for the youngest I shouldn’t be going as they are too young to be away from for this amount of time.
I will add he attended a wedding abroad for 4 days whilst I was 8 months pregnant with a toddler to look after at home with no issues and when asked about his friend who also attended the wedding leaving a 2 month old and 20 month old at home he said he didn’t think there was anything wrong with that either as it was a wedding not a just a hen/stag do.

i would love to go spend time with friends and relax a little but now I feel maybe they are too young and I am being selfish leaving them for 3 days….thoughts?

OP posts:
twinkletwinkle89 · 13/01/2023 03:20

Absolutely go! It's just your husband not wanting to do his fair share of the work! Xx

Dowhahdiddy · 13/01/2023 03:21

Personally I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my baby when they’re that young.

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 13/01/2023 03:26

I wouldn't personally leave a 4 month old for a 3 day piss up either, but if I did make that decision I wouldn't expect their father to be guilt tripping me about it. Especially one who thinks it's fine for men.

Mumofoneson5 · 13/01/2023 03:28

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 13/01/2023 03:26

I wouldn't personally leave a 4 month old for a 3 day piss up either, but if I did make that decision I wouldn't expect their father to be guilt tripping me about it. Especially one who thinks it's fine for men.

same!

JaneorEleven · 13/01/2023 03:31

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 13/01/2023 03:26

I wouldn't personally leave a 4 month old for a 3 day piss up either, but if I did make that decision I wouldn't expect their father to be guilt tripping me about it. Especially one who thinks it's fine for men.

Agreed.

ItsGettingCold · 13/01/2023 03:35

I would be ridiculously saddened to leave my children,although I personally would never do that.
This is my personal opinion and I realize every mother feels different on how they raise their children. And this is OK.
Your husband leaving while you are expecting is not even remotely the same thing.

FrodisCapering · 13/01/2023 03:39

I wouldn't leave my children for this. They are 4 and 2. But that's just me.

If you want to go then you should go. He'll have to get on with it.

3luckystars · 13/01/2023 03:40

Do you want to go for the full 3 days?

ScottishMum03 · 13/01/2023 03:41

Yeah @StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf said it well already. Personally, I wouldn’t leave them for 3 days for anything other than an absolute emergency. But every parent is different and if you choose to go (which you’re absolutely entitled to do!) then he certainly shouldn’t be commenting on it at all!

SchrodingersKettle · 13/01/2023 03:48

As this is an AIBU not a WWYD then I say yanbu. If your dh lacks confidence with the kids, could a close family member take the 2 yo for the weekend? Or come and stay to help out?

If you think he is just being lazy then tell him to buck his ideas up, you’re going regardless and make sure he gets lots of practice doing nights on his own.

No issue at all being left 8 months pregnant with a toddler, assuming pregnancy was normal and he helped you plan what you’d do in medical emergency while he was away. Point out to him how you took that in your stride without complaint, because that’s what adults on relationships do.

I do think it is harder work with a newborn and a toddler so take all the household stuff and the night shift fully yourself for both kids in the week and the weekend
before you go to give your Dh a good rest from everything.

FeinCuroxiVooz · 13/01/2023 03:52

i think it depends on how much day to day care your DH is doing already. does he do a significant share of night-waking resettling, bedtimes and daytime care or is all that mostly done by you with only modest support from him? whilst the latter scenario would leave you more desperate for a break, it would mean a much more dramatic break from normality for the kids if mummy disappeared for 3 days, whereas if things are already more equal then there shouldn't be too much problem for daddy to be in charge for a little while. I don't think other people's opinions on this are going to be that helpful for you because each answer whether positive or negative is going to be coloured by the responders opinion on equal coparenting vs a more differentiated split between nuturer/provider roles, and the balance for where you are on that scale is a choice that your OP doesn't touch on at all, but even if it did you'd still get reploes from people with a very different attitude in one direction or the other.

Summerlark · 13/01/2023 03:54

At that age, I went on a 10 day tropical holiday with my husband. The children stayed home with the live in nanny we hired for the 10 days. We kept that up for a number of years and the children had a great time with their nannies - we left plenty of money for outings and trips and food shopping etc. Apparently, our annual job was highly sought after at the nanny agency.

ThePalace · 13/01/2023 04:03

I'm pretty lax but I don't think I could leave a 4 month old baby for a 3 day jolly

Yesthatismychildsigh · 13/01/2023 04:10

I agree with pp’s. I couldn’t have left mine at that age for three days.

PyongyangKipperbang · 13/01/2023 04:15

Lots of missing the point here!!!

The OP asked if she was BU that her husband doesnt want her to go away for 3 days when the kids are at home alone with him, when he did the same when she was 8 months PG (so potentially could have gone into labour) and with a then 18-ish month old.

She didnt ask if you would go away yourselves!

YANBU. Whether you want to go or not is beside the point, the fact is that he thinks thats its ok for him and his mates to do it, but not you....I wonder why? Would that have anything to do with the fact that he doesnt want the live in nanny to have a weekend off and he would have to step up to something he has never done, because he has managed to push it off onto you. Just a guess but ...."they settle better with you" "You are better at bedtime than I am" "The little one cries when I hold her/him" "It works better when there are two of us" "But you are on maternity and I have to work".......

If you dont do this now, put your line in the sand, then it will always be him having lads weekends and you pulling up the slack....just browse MN to see women a few years down the line from you who havent had a days rest in years and then being called selfish by their "D"H's when they want it.

Ponderingwindow · 13/01/2023 04:17

I wouldn’t have left mine at that age.
the key difference here is my dH wouldn’t have left either.

Snellytheelephant · 13/01/2023 04:18

Yes, go! You've already agreed to go, knowing that you will have children at the ages they are at, so you will have been factored into pricing etc surely, so you'd likely end up paying your share regardless. Also, if you feel ready to enjoy a weekend away then do it! Are grandparents in the picture? If so, maybe help to arrange a day out with them for the kids to give your husband a bit of a rest or help. Or aunties/uncles/friends etc.

20viona · 13/01/2023 04:18

I would absolutely go.

amylou8 · 13/01/2023 04:18

Go! Babies need to be cuddled, fed and kept clean. As long as they're not reliant on your boob dad is just as capable as you, whatever he or the mighty Mumsnet might try and tell you.

StoppinBy · 13/01/2023 04:19

If baby isbottle fed or you have built up a supply of BM in the freezer and baby takes bottles then I don't see it as as a problem.

I just think your husband doesn't want to do it.

If you are comfortable going then tell DH you are going as planned and go and enjoy yourself.

StoppinBy · 13/01/2023 04:19

If baby isbottle fed or you have built up a supply of BM in the freezer and baby takes bottles then I don't see it as as a problem.

I just think your husband doesn't want to do it.

If you are comfortable going then tell DH you are going as planned and go and enjoy yourself.

StoppinBy · 13/01/2023 04:22

Sorry, I only submitted the post once, not sure why it posted twice.

Smileandtheworldsmileswithyou · 13/01/2023 04:22

Is your youngest breastfed? I wouldn't have left my children at that age and have a similar gap, but my two were breastfed so it wouldn't have been possible. Could you go for 1 night instead of 3?

Undertheoldlindentree · 13/01/2023 04:22

This is all about the OP and her DH, nothing (apart from one post), about the impact on the baby and toddler. If I was normally primary carer, I wouldn't leave such young children for 3 days, just for a hen-do.

BloodAndFire · 13/01/2023 04:23

agree with others, I think it is too young for you and your baby to be separated for so long, but I don't think that's why your husband is objecting.