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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hen do dilemma

266 replies

Soon2bemumoftwo · 13/01/2023 03:15

i am currently a mum to a 21 month old and 2 and a half month old which has its obvious challenges and stresses however recently I got into a discussion with my
husband which has really saddened me and want to know everyone else’s opinion.
Before having my second child my friends began organising for our friends hen do which will take place 4 hours away from
home and over a 3 day period which I agreed to. As it has gotten closer my husband has become anxious about being left with the kids and is now saying he will look after them but believes at 4 months old for the youngest I shouldn’t be going as they are too young to be away from for this amount of time.
I will add he attended a wedding abroad for 4 days whilst I was 8 months pregnant with a toddler to look after at home with no issues and when asked about his friend who also attended the wedding leaving a 2 month old and 20 month old at home he said he didn’t think there was anything wrong with that either as it was a wedding not a just a hen/stag do.

i would love to go spend time with friends and relax a little but now I feel maybe they are too young and I am being selfish leaving them for 3 days….thoughts?

OP posts:

Ohgodthepain · 13/01/2023 04:48

It's got nothing to do with whether you would be comfortable or not to leave the children with their father , it's the fact that the father isn't comfortable with the op going to the hen do .

Flatandhappy · 13/01/2023 04:53

He is their dad, he needs to man up. You not going makes his life much easier, lazy sod.

Nosleepforthismum · 13/01/2023 04:59

Absolutely go! The kids will be fine. A 4 month old is easy to look after as at least they stay in one place. Your DH is just being a bit of a knob and panicking about looking after them both. Enjoy your time with your friends and don’t let anyone guilt trip you into cancelling.

JudgeRudy · 13/01/2023 05:01

Do as you would have done before he said that. You were comfortable being away from your children for a few days knowing they're in the care of their father. He's not concerned about their welfare, its just dawning on him what work is involved. Don't let him guiltvtrip you. Eachvtime it's brought up say 'but they'll be perfectly fine with you. You're their dad......unless you think you're incapablevofvlooking after your own kids..."

lifeinthehills · 13/01/2023 05:04

It's not something I would have done but, if you're comfortable with it, just tell your husband what you wrote: "I will add he attended a wedding abroad for 4 days whilst I was 8 months pregnant with a toddler to look after at home with no issues"

If it's good enough for him, it's good enough for you. My husband wouldn't have gone away at that stage, except for work, but even that he wouldn't have done at 8 months pregnant.

lifeinthehills · 13/01/2023 05:06

BTW, it's good for them to be in charge sometimes. I went away for a couple of nights when I had children a few years older. My children remember him stating, "I don't know how your mother ever gets anything done." Good for them to be aware just what we do all day.

BadNomad · 13/01/2023 05:22

A 4-month-old isn't going to care as long as they are being fed and cared for by someone they know. Do not let your husband project his issues on to you. He doesn't think 4-months-old is too young, he just doesn't want to have to look after them himself.

RambamThankyouMam · 13/01/2023 05:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

junebirthdaygirl · 13/01/2023 05:33

I went at that stage leaving a 4 month old/ 2 years and 5 but only for one night. My friend was also in the same situation. Lunch time Friday to Saturday afternoon. Both babies were breastfed so we had to express while away as well as leaving a supply at home.
Both dhs in charge which they had no issue with as hands on dad's. If your dh has never been solely in charge l think one night might be enough at this stage. From your dcs point of view 3 nights might seem very long.

yepmetoos · 13/01/2023 05:37

Life is short- I would go in a heartbeat!

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 13/01/2023 05:39

I'd be outta there. If the baby is breastfeed I probably wouldn't go but otherwise yea please. I'd make sure he'd organised his mum for help with bedtime. And maybe only one night. But I'd be all for going. I left my first at 4 weeks for an overnight.

Shoxfordian · 13/01/2023 05:40

He’s just being lazy - you should definitely go and have a good time

LoudSnoringDog · 13/01/2023 05:46

@RambamThankyouMam how is it “chavvy”?

I would go.

PatientlyWaiting21 · 13/01/2023 06:01

I’m not sure why people are saying it’s not what they would do, that’s not what’s being asked.

OP if you’re happy with the arrangement go and enjoy yourself, your husband needs to get on with it!

TrianglePlayer · 13/01/2023 06:10

I went away for two days / one night when my youngest was 6 months and I had two other under 3. My husband didn’t once imply I shouldn’t go or that I was selfish. He did get his mum to come and stay but I was glad for that as they were quite a handful. I wrote pages of instructions just in case (looking back it wasn’t really necessary…). I had an amazing time away with my best friend celebrating something significant in her life and I’m so glad I didn’t miss it.

StClare101 · 13/01/2023 06:15

I went away for two nights when our eldest was four months. I think it was great for the Dad/baby relationship. Baby was completely formula fed by that stage so it was easy.

Anyway your DH has double standards no doubt driven by laziness.

Jollofrice · 13/01/2023 06:16

You should go if you want to. Some parents have not spent one day away from their children up to 16. Some cultures leave their children with grandparents for months whilst they work in other cities. Personal choice....I would personally do it, children are robust unless breast feeding I can't think of a other reason?

Parkermumma07 · 13/01/2023 06:16

If you want to go then you should
however if you don’t want to go then you shouldn’t
whatever you decided your husband should support you and if that means he has to look after the children for 3 days then he should. It’s daunting for him I’m sure but he will manage.

Username6194 · 13/01/2023 06:24

Absolutely go. He will be fine, as will the children. Do you have friends or family near by that can he can call upon if he was struggling ? Just for his piece of mind.

Dinodigger · 13/01/2023 06:25

YABU. Most mums wouldn't dream of being separated from such a young baby for such a long time. But, you do you, I guess.

Zanatdy · 13/01/2023 06:26

At my friends hen in Spain one friend left a 4 month baby for 3 nights. I didn’t see a problem with that. She was bf and had to keep expressing so she didn’t explode. When she got back she said baby didn’t want to bf anymore and guess her supply was affected but she didn’t regret it. We had the most amazing time. My ex went to the Caribbean when our baby was 8 months and other child 4 for a rugby tour. No-one questioned it, but bet they’d have challenged me about it. I’d go, why should parenting just fall to you, your OH needs to step up and stop guilt tripping you. Bet he wouldn’t think twice about going if invited on one this year

Zanatdy · 13/01/2023 06:28

PatientlyWaiting21 · 13/01/2023 06:01

I’m not sure why people are saying it’s not what they would do, that’s not what’s being asked.

OP if you’re happy with the arrangement go and enjoy yourself, your husband needs to get on with it!

Because they also want to guilt trip the mum. Not sure why people feel the need to do that? If you wouldn’t go, fine, but the issue here is that OP does want to go and is being guilt tripped by her double standard husband

Sometimeswinning · 13/01/2023 06:32

Why are people saying what they would do? Literally avoiding the question to guilt another mum. Raise the bar ladies, your husbands can also parent!

Dh will be fine op. Remind him about his little jollys and how anxious you'd have been and how you got on with it so he could have some time away.

TenoringBehind · 13/01/2023 06:34

Just go! Your baby and dh will be fine. It will do your dh good to step up.

Starryskiesinthesky · 13/01/2023 06:35

Perfectly reasonable to want to go away and your husband sounds totally unsupportive and selfish. I don’t understand why he should not be capable of looking after his 2 children for the time you are away.

I really think it’s pathetic when men act like this. Women do it all the time.

I would go and enjoy yourself and not let him (or other women on here) guilt trip you about this.

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