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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen do dilemma

266 replies

Soon2bemumoftwo · 13/01/2023 03:15

i am currently a mum to a 21 month old and 2 and a half month old which has its obvious challenges and stresses however recently I got into a discussion with my
husband which has really saddened me and want to know everyone else’s opinion.
Before having my second child my friends began organising for our friends hen do which will take place 4 hours away from
home and over a 3 day period which I agreed to. As it has gotten closer my husband has become anxious about being left with the kids and is now saying he will look after them but believes at 4 months old for the youngest I shouldn’t be going as they are too young to be away from for this amount of time.
I will add he attended a wedding abroad for 4 days whilst I was 8 months pregnant with a toddler to look after at home with no issues and when asked about his friend who also attended the wedding leaving a 2 month old and 20 month old at home he said he didn’t think there was anything wrong with that either as it was a wedding not a just a hen/stag do.

i would love to go spend time with friends and relax a little but now I feel maybe they are too young and I am being selfish leaving them for 3 days….thoughts?

OP posts:
PatientlyWaiting21 · 13/01/2023 07:11

IhearyouClemFandango · 13/01/2023 07:10

A foreign wedding leaving a toddler is very different to primary carer leaving a 4 month old, to be fair.

Oh you must have misread, OP would have her HUSBAND, also primary carer.

Ibouncetothebeat · 13/01/2023 07:11

However! If he is saying he doesn’t feel comfortable with being left alone I would support him to make sure he feels comfortable - that would include asking family members to pop in or leaving him alone at different time in the run up when I’m still close to home.

Enko · 13/01/2023 07:12

Yanbu. Op. Your dh is worried about doing it on his own. Not about your youngest. He knows that won't go down well so he dresses it up.

Ragwort · 13/01/2023 07:12

I'd be embarrassed to be married to a man who couldn't care for his own children for a few days .... what happens if you are rushed into hospital or drop dead?

And yes, I would feel the same about a woman who couldn't cope if her DH was on a golf weekend or whatever.

sizeofahippo · 13/01/2023 07:13

twinkletwinkle89 · 13/01/2023 03:20

Absolutely go! It's just your husband not wanting to do his fair share of the work! Xx

I think it's probably this too.
I would go. Although maybe compromise and go for a shorter time if YOU feel that is best.

I went on my own hen do when my baby was 5 months old. We went on a 3 day honeymoon when she was 6 months old and left DD in the very capable hands of my mum.

ImBlueDab · 13/01/2023 07:13

If you want to go op, then go. It will do you the world of good to spend time with your friends.

Your dh is being unreasonable and needs to step up, as you did when he went away .

OhCobblers · 13/01/2023 07:14

Cosycover · 13/01/2023 07:10

Put it this way. If he had stag booked he wouldn't even be considering not going.

I was just coming on to say this

Absolutely go OP!
He's being lazy not anxious I bet.

I left my youngest when they were 5 months old for a weekend abroad with best friends, leaving my DH to look after them and our eldest who was just over 2.

PatientlyWaiting21 · 13/01/2023 07:14

IhearyouClemFandango · 13/01/2023 07:11

We can't ignore that mums and dads are different, in the early days.

A 21 month old and 4 month old is not early days, they aren’t 4 days old.

This thread is so full of guilt tripping and thinking the mum is the superior primary career, dads are also primary carer, they are a parent. It’s nothing short of lazy!

guaranteed all these more holy than thou mothers are screaming “but he never helps/ I never get a break” because you don’t let dads be a dad!!!

I’m out, OP enjoy your “chavvy” weekend 😂❤️

rwalker · 13/01/2023 07:15

Depends if it’s down to laziness or lack of confidence

IhearyouClemFandango · 13/01/2023 07:17

PatientlyWaiting21 · 13/01/2023 07:11

Oh you must have misread, OP would have her HUSBAND, also primary carer.

Show quote history

Don't be deliberately obtuse, it isn't cute.

Unless their family set up is different, he is presumably back at work now, so to the 4 month old she is the primary carer. 4 months is still v young.

I've already said that this is up to the OP and the husband should support her decision. But likening a mother leaving a 4 month old to a dad leaving a toddler is disingenuous.

Riverlee · 13/01/2023 07:18

Enko · 13/01/2023 07:12

Yanbu. Op. Your dh is worried about doing it on his own. Not about your youngest. He knows that won't go down well so he dresses it up.

Yes, that’s what I was thinking. He’s feelings are perfectly valid - he’s feeling nervous.

Quite often you see threads on mn with the reverse situation, husband is going away leaving the mn-etter with a young baby.

NumberTheory · 13/01/2023 07:19

There are two aspects to going -

There’s whether your DH can cope for 3 days with a toddler and baby. Most people would find this hard and if he hadn’t been happy to leave you with a toddler at 8 months pregnant I’d be asking if this is the way you both want your partnership to be. But he’s already put his eggs in the basket on that question. But is he competent? Has he looked after them both for a weekend while you’ve been away? Has he put them to bed on his own? Are his concerns down to nerves or is he just baulking at the fact it’s going to be hard work? If the former, get him practicing. Once a week you do them both at night and he gets a night to himself and once a week he does them both and you get a night to yourself. Have him take them both for a day at the weekend. Go away overnight a few times. Help him develop the skills.

The other aspect is whether your baby is too attached to you for this to be fair on her. If not, then if you would enjoy yourself, go. If she is, maybe having him do a lot more as suggested for improving his skills will help enough and maybe it won’t. You’ll just have to judge it. But there is no set rule that says every baby will suffer if left with their loving father for a few days when they’re 4 months. You need to judge how your baby will do. And if she won’t cope well, be assured there will be other times to go away with friends if you want to. You’re only missing one hen-do.

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/01/2023 07:20

A lot of this is your husband not wanting to pull his weight and do the childcare tbh. This is the classic deflection men use when they are scared of having to actually step up and do something with their kids.

That said, your kids are quite young and I probably wouldn't feel wholly comfortable with it either so I don't blame you for being apprehensive.

If men more routinely did what they were supposed to do and looked after their kids we wouldn't have this ridiculous guilt about this. Unless a child is breastfeeding there is no other practical reason to feel guilty other than male uselessness.

Could you go just for one night?

mummyh2016 · 13/01/2023 07:21

What's with all the guilt trippers on here? Those who are sitting on their high horse 'I wouldn't personally leave them' how long is it okay for do you think to leave the children? An hour/6 hours/a day/2days? Or not at all?
I left my 3 month old for a hen do last year. Yes DH found it hard at times but they survived. I also found it hard 2 weeks later when he were on the stag do but again we all survived. It's important to take time for yourself here, according to MN you shouldn't leave your children until they're at least 16 but in reality I don't know anyone that feels that way.
If you want to go OP then go. Does DH have family or friends that can help if he is struggling?

moose62 · 13/01/2023 07:22

Go and enjoy yourself. Yes, your baby is young but your DH is the father. He should be able to look after his child for 3 days. You will probably miss your children more than they miss you. Perhaps go for 2 days instead so he only has one overnight. He is probably objecting because he doesn't feel up to it but won't admit it. My DH would have been very happy to do this for me if I wanted to go and certainly wouldn't have guilt tripped me into staying.

Original poster
Soon2bemumoftwo · 13/01/2023 07:22

UPDATE : Thanks for all the responses, I especially liked the ‘such a chavvy thing to do’ 😂😂 I have decided to go for one night meaning DH will only be left for a night and a day really with them.

I had a really horrific birth and PD with my first baby so because my second has been such a different more positive experience and I feel so back to my normal self I forget in the grand scheme of things she is still very little.

For those asking, baby is bottle fed and I am the parent who does most of the heavy lifting in relation to the kids and 100% of it concerning the baby so I understand to an extent the shock my husband will probably get when he has to take that on but I also agree with a lot of the latter comments that if I don’t go at all I will be setting a precedence for him to do everything he wants but I am not able to attend anything as he views it all as ‘mums role’ to be there 24/7. He is a wonderful dad and our toddler and him have a beautiful relationship so I know he will be fine with her but the baby is fussy and whilst I know her cues, he is a little later off the mark to catch on so I think this decision is the best of both worlds for us.

thank you for replying everyone and a little note, I am a very confident person/mum and was just curious about everyone else’s thoughts but some of the bitchy and judging comments on here are very harsh and if that was said to a woman not as confident of relaxed as myself it could easily send her spiralling and questioning herself as a parent. We all have the same end goal (to be the best parent/person we can be) so let’s remember that when leaving unnecessary opinions that are just itching to irritate instead of help.

OP posts:
IhearyouClemFandango · 13/01/2023 07:25

That sounds like a fair compromise. You do need to draw a line in the sand that he needs to take this responsibility, but 3 mights for a 4 month old may be a stretch.

BadNomad · 13/01/2023 07:26

The reason the OP is getting a different response than if it was the father who was going away is because it is usually the mother who does the majority of the childcare every day. Then, when dad fucks off on a jolly, her stress intensifies.

In this situation, dad only needs to step up for 3 days, then it will go back to mum doing the majority.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 13/01/2023 07:27

Why not have a chat and say you understand his reasons and why this may not be the best time to go, but once the hen do is done with you are going to book a girly holiday for next year when the children are older. This will be telling about where his head is at with it.

WonderingWanda · 13/01/2023 07:30

Goodness me, I can't believe all the people joining your husband and casting judgement on you going away. Women, know thy place! How dare you take time off from your children. Clearly your dh thinks it's ok for fathers to go away but not the mothers. His comment about someone's trip being for a wedding meaning it was ok is very telling. He isn't objecting to you going because your children will struggle without you, he is objecting to you having a life and inconveniencing him in the process.

Op, you are not leaving your children alone, you are leaving them with their other parent. He is more than capable of looking after them and providing the same levels of love and comfort as you are and if you want to go then please do go.

He says he is anxious? What part of looking after 2 other humans is going to be hard for him? They eat, sleep and need a bit of entertaining. None of that is rocket science. He just means it will be hard work for him.

Ryin · 13/01/2023 07:30

All the people saying I wouldn't I wouldn't.....thats not what the OP asked!! OP, definitely go! You want to go, you've been looking forward to it. If they are old enough to stay with you on their own for a few days then they are old enough to stay with their Dad for a few days. He shouldn't be guilt tripping you! Go and have fun, life as a parent is hard, you deserve your fun xx

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 13/01/2023 07:30

Sorry just saw your update OP- glad it was sorted!
Ignore the judginess on here OP. The silliest of things are raked over the coals here. How dare a woman enjoy her life!

jays · 13/01/2023 07:32

Soon2bemumoftwo · 13/01/2023 07:22

UPDATE : Thanks for all the responses, I especially liked the ‘such a chavvy thing to do’ 😂😂 I have decided to go for one night meaning DH will only be left for a night and a day really with them.

I had a really horrific birth and PD with my first baby so because my second has been such a different more positive experience and I feel so back to my normal self I forget in the grand scheme of things she is still very little.

For those asking, baby is bottle fed and I am the parent who does most of the heavy lifting in relation to the kids and 100% of it concerning the baby so I understand to an extent the shock my husband will probably get when he has to take that on but I also agree with a lot of the latter comments that if I don’t go at all I will be setting a precedence for him to do everything he wants but I am not able to attend anything as he views it all as ‘mums role’ to be there 24/7. He is a wonderful dad and our toddler and him have a beautiful relationship so I know he will be fine with her but the baby is fussy and whilst I know her cues, he is a little later off the mark to catch on so I think this decision is the best of both worlds for us.

thank you for replying everyone and a little note, I am a very confident person/mum and was just curious about everyone else’s thoughts but some of the bitchy and judging comments on here are very harsh and if that was said to a woman not as confident of relaxed as myself it could easily send her spiralling and questioning herself as a parent. We all have the same end goal (to be the best parent/person we can be) so let’s remember that when leaving unnecessary opinions that are just itching to irritate instead of help.

Very well said OP. Especially the latter section. Have a fab time!

Ellmau · 13/01/2023 07:34

Glad you've found a compromise that works for you, OP.

Would it not have been possible to take the baby with you, just leaving the toddler for your DH to look after?

dontpickupthemob · 13/01/2023 07:35

Are we any less surprised at the bitchy comments from the mum police!

Glad you've sorted a compromise OP. Being a mum doesn't stop you missing out on celebrating others.