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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen do dilemma

266 replies

Soon2bemumoftwo · 13/01/2023 03:15

i am currently a mum to a 21 month old and 2 and a half month old which has its obvious challenges and stresses however recently I got into a discussion with my
husband which has really saddened me and want to know everyone else’s opinion.
Before having my second child my friends began organising for our friends hen do which will take place 4 hours away from
home and over a 3 day period which I agreed to. As it has gotten closer my husband has become anxious about being left with the kids and is now saying he will look after them but believes at 4 months old for the youngest I shouldn’t be going as they are too young to be away from for this amount of time.
I will add he attended a wedding abroad for 4 days whilst I was 8 months pregnant with a toddler to look after at home with no issues and when asked about his friend who also attended the wedding leaving a 2 month old and 20 month old at home he said he didn’t think there was anything wrong with that either as it was a wedding not a just a hen/stag do.

i would love to go spend time with friends and relax a little but now I feel maybe they are too young and I am being selfish leaving them for 3 days….thoughts?

OP posts:
Devon1987 · 13/01/2023 06:37

Go. Your husband is a lazy selfish shit. So it’s fine for a man to go away but not a woman?! He helped make the children he can help look after them.

atteatimeeverybodyagrees · 13/01/2023 06:39

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 13/01/2023 03:26

I wouldn't personally leave a 4 month old for a 3 day piss up either, but if I did make that decision I wouldn't expect their father to be guilt tripping me about it. Especially one who thinks it's fine for men.

This 100%

BMrs · 13/01/2023 06:40

YANBU

if you want to go, then go! It sounds like your husband doesn't want the hard work. But if you let him off this time, he will try to get out of it time and time again. I would put your foot down.

If he feels he needs some support, is there a family member who could give him a hand? I understand some dad's can feel nervous as when working full time they just don't have as much hands on experience as us.

Also to add, I'm sure you will have a fantastic time away! Me and my husband both go away with friends or each other for the odd few days and the kids are absolutely fine!

atteatimeeverybodyagrees · 13/01/2023 06:41

Dinodigger · 13/01/2023 06:25

YABU. Most mums wouldn't dream of being separated from such a young baby for such a long time. But, you do you, I guess.

its not about "most mums" if OP wants to go then who cares what "most mums" would do. I wouldn't have done it as I wouldn't have been able to as I'd have been anxious the whole time. But if OP wants to go then I think a break is a good thing. You can lose yourself a bit when you have a baby.

LemonDrizzles · 13/01/2023 06:43

He can look into hiring a babysitter, even a one day nanny for help. Maybe he can get help for two of the four days

Have a great time!

WestBridgewater · 13/01/2023 06:43

There was a post last week I think where the husband wanted to go on a golf holiday and practically everybody said he shouldn’t go. Interesting responses to this post where mum is looking to go away. A lot of you are saying that you wouldn’t go which I expected but I am surprised at the different attitude towards her father here where people think that mum should go despite the similarity that the parent being left to care for the children feels that they won’t cope alone.

LemonDrizzles · 13/01/2023 06:44

And yes to the pp who says typing up instructions if you think that will help :)

atteatimeeverybodyagrees · 13/01/2023 06:44

PatientlyWaiting21 · 13/01/2023 06:01

I’m not sure why people are saying it’s not what they would do, that’s not what’s being asked.

OP if you’re happy with the arrangement go and enjoy yourself, your husband needs to get on with it!

Because even though I wouldn't have done it myself it doesn't mean OP shouldn't. I felt it was important to explain why DH or others might think its "too soon", because some mums would feel that way. Only OP knows how she feels about it and she should be supported to get a break.

atteatimeeverybodyagrees · 13/01/2023 06:45

WestBridgewater · 13/01/2023 06:43

There was a post last week I think where the husband wanted to go on a golf holiday and practically everybody said he shouldn’t go. Interesting responses to this post where mum is looking to go away. A lot of you are saying that you wouldn’t go which I expected but I am surprised at the different attitude towards her father here where people think that mum should go despite the similarity that the parent being left to care for the children feels that they won’t cope alone.

Was the dad in that case doing the majority of the looking after the children day in day out?

hmmmintereting · 13/01/2023 06:50

PyongyangKipperbang · 13/01/2023 04:15

Lots of missing the point here!!!

The OP asked if she was BU that her husband doesnt want her to go away for 3 days when the kids are at home alone with him, when he did the same when she was 8 months PG (so potentially could have gone into labour) and with a then 18-ish month old.

She didnt ask if you would go away yourselves!

YANBU. Whether you want to go or not is beside the point, the fact is that he thinks thats its ok for him and his mates to do it, but not you....I wonder why? Would that have anything to do with the fact that he doesnt want the live in nanny to have a weekend off and he would have to step up to something he has never done, because he has managed to push it off onto you. Just a guess but ...."they settle better with you" "You are better at bedtime than I am" "The little one cries when I hold her/him" "It works better when there are two of us" "But you are on maternity and I have to work".......

If you dont do this now, put your line in the sand, then it will always be him having lads weekends and you pulling up the slack....just browse MN to see women a few years down the line from you who havent had a days rest in years and then being called selfish by their "D"H's when they want it.

Yes, this. People are so quick to jump to judgement.

BeeDavis · 13/01/2023 06:54

If you don’t go on this trip then you are setting yourself up for a life of misery. He can look after his own children for a couple of days, how does he think us women do it 24/7? He sounds pathetic. If women started holding men to their responsibilities the world would be a better place. Just tell him to suck it up.

GoTeamRocket · 13/01/2023 06:54

Op. 75% of people who voted, said YANBU. There are a few judgy pants on the thread. Ignore them. YANBU.

WestBridgewater · 13/01/2023 06:57

atteatimeeverybodyagrees · 13/01/2023 06:45

Was the dad in that case doing the majority of the looking after the children day in day out?

Show quote history

How is that relevant? You have a parent with a toddler and a baby. Mum’s concerns regarding being not able to manage were validated on here yet the father’s are dismissed.

BeeDavis · 13/01/2023 07:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Are you serious 🫣🫣🫣

yorkshirepudsx · 13/01/2023 07:02

I personally wouldn't leave mine this young/for this long.

I do also feel the need to say, your husband is not in the wrong for airing his concerns with you.
Yes he went away when you was pregnant/had a toddler to look after, but did you explain to him beforehand that this was a problem? Or was it not a problem until now?

He may just feel like he can't do as good of a job as you, etc. and it is ok for him to feel like this.

atteatimeeverybodyagrees · 13/01/2023 07:03

WestBridgewater · 13/01/2023 06:57

How is that relevant? You have a parent with a toddler and a baby. Mum’s concerns regarding being not able to manage were validated on here yet the father’s are dismissed.

Show quote history

Ah right. I'll try and find that thread to see it.

WordtoYoMumma · 13/01/2023 07:06

Just speaking from my own experience I would have hated being left on my on for 3 days when mine were so little and I probably would have asked DH not to go!

PatientlyWaiting21 · 13/01/2023 07:07

Parkermumma07 · 13/01/2023 06:16

If you want to go then you should
however if you don’t want to go then you shouldn’t
whatever you decided your husband should support you and if that means he has to look after the children for 3 days then he should. It’s daunting for him I’m sure but he will manage.

Why would it be daunting?! It’s his children!! Stop making excuses for your lazy husbands!!

IhearyouClemFandango · 13/01/2023 07:07

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 13/01/2023 03:26

I wouldn't personally leave a 4 month old for a 3 day piss up either, but if I did make that decision I wouldn't expect their father to be guilt tripping me about it. Especially one who thinks it's fine for men.

This. I wouldn't have done, but it's a personal decision and he should support you.

yorkshirepudsx · 13/01/2023 07:08

I bet if a man came on here saying he wanted to go away with the lads for 3 days & his partner didn't want him to - everybody would be siding with his partner.

I think regardless of who the primary cater is, if he's simply not comfortable with you going away he's allowed to say that.

Ibouncetothebeat · 13/01/2023 07:09

Definitely go! It’s 3 days, you are not abandoning your children. Don’t let him guilt trip you if he would happily leave for 3 days without looking back. He is their father he should be able to take care of them. You will miss them, but as long as he take good care of them they will not feel like “mummy has abandoned them”, or “mummy has disappeared for a piss up”. I don’t think it’s right to shame mothers for doing something for themselves for a couple of days in the early years.

Babyenroute · 13/01/2023 07:10

If you feel comfortable, go! My husband is going on a stag when ds will be four months and if I had a hen doo to go to, I would absolutely go. He can batten down the hatches at home if he feels more comfortable, it's only one weekend

IhearyouClemFandango · 13/01/2023 07:10

A foreign wedding leaving a toddler is very different to primary carer leaving a 4 month old, to be fair.

Cosycover · 13/01/2023 07:10

Put it this way. If he had stag booked he wouldn't even be considering not going.

IhearyouClemFandango · 13/01/2023 07:11

We can't ignore that mums and dads are different, in the early days.