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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen do dilemma

266 replies

Soon2bemumoftwo · 13/01/2023 03:15

i am currently a mum to a 21 month old and 2 and a half month old which has its obvious challenges and stresses however recently I got into a discussion with my
husband which has really saddened me and want to know everyone else’s opinion.
Before having my second child my friends began organising for our friends hen do which will take place 4 hours away from
home and over a 3 day period which I agreed to. As it has gotten closer my husband has become anxious about being left with the kids and is now saying he will look after them but believes at 4 months old for the youngest I shouldn’t be going as they are too young to be away from for this amount of time.
I will add he attended a wedding abroad for 4 days whilst I was 8 months pregnant with a toddler to look after at home with no issues and when asked about his friend who also attended the wedding leaving a 2 month old and 20 month old at home he said he didn’t think there was anything wrong with that either as it was a wedding not a just a hen/stag do.

i would love to go spend time with friends and relax a little but now I feel maybe they are too young and I am being selfish leaving them for 3 days….thoughts?

OP posts:
bluebird3 · 13/01/2023 07:37

YABU. Caring for 1 toddler is hugely different than caring for 2 kids solo, especially when one is a newborn. So I don't think it's comparable to when your DH went away when you were pregnant. I am the primary carer for my two small kids and would not be happy to be left alone with them for 3 days/nights. If he's saying he's worried about coping that is valid. It's different if they were 6 and 4 and he just couldn't be bothered.

I agree with the pp who said if you are the primary carer this will be a huge shock to the children and while they will survive, they will be much more distressed by your absence.

For a compromise I'd bring the family and have DH stay at a hotel nearby so you can pop back for a few hours each day. Or only go for 1 night.

piedbeauty · 13/01/2023 07:38

I do think it is harder work with a newborn and a toddler so take all the household stuff and the night shift fully yourself for both kids in the week and the weeken dbefore you go to give your Dh a good rest from everything

Really, @SchrodingersKettle ?

Do you think op's h does the same for her?

pictoosh · 13/01/2023 07:39

I have a question for the naysayers that couldn't bear to leave their baby at four months, with their dad for a few nights? Especially those who have seen fit to be bitchy to the OP.
What do you imagine would happen as a result of it? There must be some terrible possibility in your mind to be so judgemental. What is it?

ZenNudist · 13/01/2023 07:40

I would absolutely go. Don't be guilted by dh or people here. He needs to learn how to look after his dc.

Can't believe he left you with a toddler at 8m pregnant. Even if going into labour wasn't a risk then its so hard on you.

Please do go and don't feel guilty.

Ryin · 13/01/2023 07:41

For a compromise someone would bring the family and stay in a hotel close by? Are men really this incapable of looking after children when if this was the man going on a stag do people would be saying just let him go you'll be fine. MN is a strange place.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 13/01/2023 07:41

Yes! Glad you’re going, parents finding time to relax and have fun is really important.

Also very glad you didn’t let all the judgy mums comments put you off - shame on all of you that jumped on to bestow your higher maternal powers without being asked, so much for women supporting women. Slow hand clap.

Moomoomeemee · 13/01/2023 07:54

Just adding to the voices saying that if course you should go.

It doesn't matter what other people would do. You want to go. There is another parent at home who is available to care for his children. There is no reason for you not to go and I'm glad you've decided to go. Hope you have a lovely time.

Wallywobbles · 13/01/2023 07:54

I would absolutely do it. I left my DD1 for a weekend at 8 weeks. Admittedly I'm not in the UK and people don't think twice about it here.

SchrodingersKettle · 13/01/2023 07:55

@piedbeauty i think, the OP loves her dh and wants a compromise. I think her dh probably works full time and is knackered too and the idea of looking after both kids when he isn’t used to it is freaking him out. It’s not a business relationship and a sometimes doing more to support your partner, pays back huge dividends.

I think if she wants a long weekend away, she should offer something in return. He can’t stop her going, but equally she can’t stop him sodding off and leaving her with the kids every weekend. It’s not a race to the bottom.

Also I remember agreeing to a ski holiday before my first baby was born, and then when it came to it, I was terrified at the prospect of driving to the Alps with a three-month old baby and spending a week in a poorly equipped flat trying to keep the baby quiet so we didn’t upset our neighbours. And I remember my partner being kind, encouraging me to give it a try. And I remember the massive boost of confidence it gave me - felt like I could do ANYTHING after that. I’m kinda hoping the OP goes away for the full weekend and her dh gets that big boost - with the right set-up, it could completely change the way their parenting works.

PS DH and I became equal parents of kids and DH has done most of the work with dc2. We give a lot to each other, and the giving seems to multiply the goodwill. Rather than squabbling over who is working hardest, who is most tired, etc.

thedancingbear · 13/01/2023 07:58

It's worth remembering that the conventional advice given here to mothers of newborns when their DHs want to go on extended stag dos is 'he's an arsehole, don't let him'.

Wellshellsbells · 13/01/2023 07:58

Sometimeswinning · 13/01/2023 06:32

Why are people saying what they would do? Literally avoiding the question to guilt another mum. Raise the bar ladies, your husbands can also parent!

Dh will be fine op. Remind him about his little jollys and how anxious you'd have been and how you got on with it so he could have some time away.

One million percent! I was just waiting for the ‘I personally couldn’t leave my kids for ten seconds because I’m such an amazing fantastic mother who would rather flog herself in the street than leave them with the other person who created them to enjoy myself on a pre arranged trip with friends in case he might be inconvenienced or the kids might forget who I am because I’m not in their peripheral vision for a few days…….but you do you ,hun!
give it a rest!

savethatkitty · 13/01/2023 08:00

Go! You're baby won't know you've gone.

PumpkinDart · 13/01/2023 08:04

If it's something you want to do and you feel comfortable going then I see no reason why their dad can't look after them. Irrelevant what anyone else would do in this situation your husband is being unreasonable.

Hi20 · 13/01/2023 08:05

I think your husband doesn't have the confidence and this is why he thinks he can't cope with you going away for 3 days, you need to be less hands on with the kids to build his confidence up, I don't know your home life or if you work, but if you do and had to go away for work meeting or training how would he cope then, Employers would not like the excuse sorry but husband doesn't have the confidence to look after his own kids.

Babyclb · 13/01/2023 08:08

You’re allowed to have a life outside your children OP. Don’t let all the mummy martyrs who couldn’t bare to be away from their babies for a second make you feel bad.

Your husband thinks it’s fine for him to go off, he thinks it’s fine for men to go off but it isn’t fine for you because in his mind it is your job to always be at home looking after the children.

Of course looking after a baby and a toddler for a weekend is hard work, I’m sure it’s hard work when you do it! But they are his own children, you aren’t asking an acquaintance.

latetothefisting · 13/01/2023 08:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Chavvy?? What a bizarre comment
If anything in my experience its the richest families who most often leave their children with others (i.e. the nanny) - both from tradition and because they are the only ones who can afford to do so!

Laughing at the posters saying "what about the children..." op is leaving them with their father, who should be the most capable and appropriate person (alongside her) to care for them, not dropping them at the local kennels for the weekend

Pandorapitstop · 13/01/2023 08:14

What a pathetic example of a dad he is

thislittlehouseofmine · 13/01/2023 08:15

thedancingbear · 13/01/2023 07:58

It's worth remembering that the conventional advice given here to mothers of newborns when their DHs want to go on extended stag dos is 'he's an arsehole, don't let him'.

This

YANBU that he "should" be able to parent both his young children for a couple of days

Reality is that most fathers can't - not for want of trying I'm sure but your youngest especially will know no one but you surely as you'll be with them 24/7 on maternity leave and she recognises you as the main care giver not him.

HolidayHun2020 · 13/01/2023 08:16

YANBU he has no right to make you feel guilty OP. Being a parent, especially a mum is the hardest job in the world and we all deserve a break. In my opinion being away from our children makes us better parents as we have time to recharge and feel a bit more like ourselves! They won’t remember you being away but they will remember being tired, frazzled and overwhelmed being stuck with them all the time and feeling resentful as you’ve had no time to yourself (you might not feel like that but I certainly do at times). Tell him it’s booked in and he’ll just have to cope as you do EVERY DAY. Not sure of your situation but as soon as my DH is left alone with our DC my MIL is round within the hour ‘to give him a break’ so is there anyone who can help? If you’re looking for a compromise can you maybe cut the trip down? GOOD LUCK OP and please go and enjoy yourself! You deserve it!

Lalliella · 13/01/2023 08:21

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 13/01/2023 03:26

I wouldn't personally leave a 4 month old for a 3 day piss up either, but if I did make that decision I wouldn't expect their father to be guilt tripping me about it. Especially one who thinks it's fine for men.

^^ this absolutely

Whatwhatwhatnow · 13/01/2023 08:22

I realise you've already reached a compromise but I was going to say it depends so much on the individuals. I couldn't have done it as at that age I was breastfeeding to sleep. But I know someone else who did go away for three days (baby was bottle fed) and had a lovely time.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 13/01/2023 08:23

Have a great time

NeedToChangeName · 13/01/2023 08:26

This thread is pretty depressing. Surely a capable competent father can look after his own children for a weekend?!

No need for family to swoop in to help, hire a nanny, OP leave step by step instructions or feel she must stay at home.........

Scalottia · 13/01/2023 08:28

To all the posters saying that they wouldn't leave their baby - do you have a reading comprehension problem? OP asked if she is BU to leave the baby with her husband, if she is being selfish - she is not asking for your little guilt trip responses that she is wrong to even consider it. Babies can survive without their mother for 3 days, they won't even remember it. Parents aren't evil if they go on holiday without their children.

OP - go if you want. If your husband can, why can't you? Don't ask, tell.

Ryin · 13/01/2023 08:30

Wellshellsbells · 13/01/2023 07:58

One million percent! I was just waiting for the ‘I personally couldn’t leave my kids for ten seconds because I’m such an amazing fantastic mother who would rather flog herself in the street than leave them with the other person who created them to enjoy myself on a pre arranged trip with friends in case he might be inconvenienced or the kids might forget who I am because I’m not in their peripheral vision for a few days…….but you do you ,hun!
give it a rest!

Show quote history

Exactly! The comments on here are ridiculous as expected for MN. But I feel the same when a man has said they want to go away for the weekend and all the advice seems to be don't let him he's a selfish fucker....blows my mind. People don't need to be so controlling, and just live a little and let each other have a slight life outside of the family home. Parenting is hard, especially with little ones, why can't people have a little fun. (My journey was different my child had medical issues so needed 24 hour care, so before people say...no I didn't jet off here there and everywhere, I never left him because I couldn't, but I wouldn't begrudge someone a weekend of fun).