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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen do dilemma

266 replies

Soon2bemumoftwo · 13/01/2023 03:15

i am currently a mum to a 21 month old and 2 and a half month old which has its obvious challenges and stresses however recently I got into a discussion with my
husband which has really saddened me and want to know everyone else’s opinion.
Before having my second child my friends began organising for our friends hen do which will take place 4 hours away from
home and over a 3 day period which I agreed to. As it has gotten closer my husband has become anxious about being left with the kids and is now saying he will look after them but believes at 4 months old for the youngest I shouldn’t be going as they are too young to be away from for this amount of time.
I will add he attended a wedding abroad for 4 days whilst I was 8 months pregnant with a toddler to look after at home with no issues and when asked about his friend who also attended the wedding leaving a 2 month old and 20 month old at home he said he didn’t think there was anything wrong with that either as it was a wedding not a just a hen/stag do.

i would love to go spend time with friends and relax a little but now I feel maybe they are too young and I am being selfish leaving them for 3 days….thoughts?

OP posts:
Dowhahdiddy · 13/01/2023 13:04

ReluctantCourier · 13/01/2023 12:29

First formula was evidenced in 1725 and sold commercially a century later… how old are you @Dowhahdiddy ?! Kudos on chilling by the pool in your 500th year…

Believe it or not, people can still breastfeed. It’s not something that was only done in the 1700 hun but you tell yourself whatever you need to😉

Dowhahdiddy · 13/01/2023 13:05

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · Today 03:26
I wouldn't personally leave a 4 month old for a 3 day piss up either

Me neither.

ChipsAreLife · 13/01/2023 13:06

I left mine at 4 months for a hen do for 3 nights. She was breastfed, she just had expressed milk and I pumped. Absolutely fine and I had a great break!

But DH had help from my family as he was a bit unsure of it all.

I hate all the judgement of mums or dads having a break. I think it's healthy to realise that you need some space for you! Have a great time!

Sunnytwobridges · 13/01/2023 13:08

Definitely go! I would've loved a 3 day break from my kid when she was that age, it's only a few days. Your DH is just being lazy and not wanting to take care of the kids during that time, so he's trying to guilt trip you into not going. He's a selfish, lazy arse.

Dowhahdiddy · 13/01/2023 13:09

Babyclb · 13/01/2023 12:28

@Dowhahdiddy Uh no. I wouldn’t leave my baby with my mother, my MIL, my sister, or a female childminder. My babies were ebf until they were toddlers, they never left my side. Each to their own though I know some mums who left their babies when they were just days old because ‘they deserved a break’. Like they didn’t realise what having a baby entails and it’s too hard for them.

Imagine being this much of a dick!
Ironically I'm sure you think you're mother earth full of gentle parenting ... yet you are disgustingly judgemental about other mothers who dare to separate themselves for a minute from their children and the rude accusations that it means motherhood is too hard for them because they want a break.

By the way you either didn't "exclusively breastfeed until they were toddlers", from about 6 months your children had plenty of food and water. Nothing 'exclusive' about the BF... its actually just supplementary.

Exclusive as in they’ve never had a bottle. Only ever had bm directly from the breast as nature intended. I understand that some mothers need a break, motherhood is hard work and some women just aren’t cut out to be full time mums 😉

Scalottia · 13/01/2023 13:18

Dowhahdiddy · 13/01/2023 13:09

Exclusive as in they’ve never had a bottle. Only ever had bm directly from the breast as nature intended. I understand that some mothers need a break, motherhood is hard work and some women just aren’t cut out to be full time mums 😉

Show quote history

What about women that are unable to breastfeed, @Dowhahdiddy? I guess nature didn't intend that for them. How is the view from up there on your high horse?

Guess what - if you have a child, you're a full time parent. Where do you get your idea that some people aren't? Going away for a weekend without your children means that you aren't a full time mother? You said yourself that yours went to grandparents at 4 years old. So you had a break from your children also. Does that mean you're not a full time mother? Did they, as older kids, never go to sleepovers at friends? Please help me to understand the definition of full time mother...either I am not getting it, or you are contradicting yourself. <Insert smug winky face here>.

VioletaDelValle · 13/01/2023 13:22

I understand that some mothers need a break, motherhood is hard work and some women just aren’t cut out to be full time mums 😉

Wow. You have just won the award for the most dickish comment on the thread.

Imagine actually thinking like this. FWIW all mums are full time mums. You don't cease to be a parent the second your child leaves your side.

Doone21 · 13/01/2023 13:26

I doubt your husband feels confident to manage that long. Can't you compromise? All go to a hotel nearby then you're not far if there is a problem.

Babyclb · 13/01/2023 13:34

@Dowhahdiddy I understand that some mothers need a break, motherhood is hard work and some women just aren’t cut out to be full time mums

Lovely.

Do you really think having a break from your children means you aren't cut out to be a mum or that you are somehow a 'part time mum' or are you just trying to be inflammatory on a thread where a woman with a toddler and a young baby is looking for advice?
Presumably you never had a shower on your own during your children's childhood? Never went to the corner shop or supermarket on your own? Never attended a personal medical appointment where children were not allowed?

Or do you just get a kick out of being a grade A see you next tuesday to other mothers?

ReluctantCourier · 13/01/2023 13:37

Why do you think they were inventing substitutes for bm hundreds of years ago? Believe it or not there are a diverse range of reasons why women might need to feed their babies in different ways.

ReluctantCourier · 13/01/2023 13:38

Also ‘nature intended’ a level of infant mortality most are uncomfortable with 🙄

AmazingBouncingFerret · 13/01/2023 13:39

For the past two years your life has been pregnancies and babies.

You should go for the three days. It’s not going to hurt them. I can’t imagine your 4 month old will be sitting in a therapy office 20 years down the line droning on about being abandoned with their father for three whole days.

It’s natural to have some apprehension about looking after two on your own, I remember about 13 years ago I posted on here my own feelings of nervousness about my then husband going on a stag weekend and leaving me alone with the two children, I think they were 3 years old and 7 months old, maybe a little younger. I was quite rightly told to woman the fuck up and get on with it because it was just one weekend and you know what, it was fine. Tiring. But fine.

AWomanKnows · 13/01/2023 13:42

I’d go, men leave their babies all the time to go on trips.
There is absolutely no reason your DH can’t look
after his own DC.

pictoosh · 13/01/2023 13:44

pictoosh · 13/01/2023 07:39

I have a question for the naysayers that couldn't bear to leave their baby at four months, with their dad for a few nights? Especially those who have seen fit to be bitchy to the OP.
What do you imagine would happen as a result of it? There must be some terrible possibility in your mind to be so judgemental. What is it?

Sorry to quote myself but it saves me typing it out again.
The baby is bottle fed. What is the problem?

Scalottia · 13/01/2023 13:46

I have decided that no real parent could be as arsey and judgey as @Dowhahdiddy and that this person is probably a bored troll, I will not be feeding it anymore.

PollyPrissypants · 13/01/2023 13:48

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

JussathoB · 13/01/2023 13:57

I’m fairly new to Mumsnet and tbh I’m pretty shocked at the level of anger and exaggeration that’s on display in this thread. There are some people who are doing a good job of giving constructive suggestions and also reassurance but far too often it is just plain bigging up the argument. There’s a range of views on both sides, plenty of encouragement for the OP, but there’s no need for all the vitriol.

JussathoB · 13/01/2023 13:58

Oh I see, I hadn’t realised there might be trolls on here

HaggisWurst · 13/01/2023 14:35

I wouldn't be comfortable leaving my 4 month old, but that being said, if you decide to go, your husband needs to get on with it...he's their dad.

Dowhahdiddy · 13/01/2023 14:55

More chips than Harry Ramsdens 😂 😂

MajorCarolDanvers · 13/01/2023 15:15

@Dowhahdiddy

total under bridge dweller.

Scalottia · 13/01/2023 15:16

Dowhahdiddy · 13/01/2023 14:55

More chips than Harry Ramsdens 😂 😂

Interestingly I have just seen your post on another thread about things that people are jealous of. You wrote on there the following response in regards to what you are jealous of:

'People who get loads of free childcare from their parents or in laws. People who get weekends to themselves. People who get to go on date nights with their partners because the grandparents are having the kids.'

Do you know what contradiction means? You said full time mothers shouldn't want to be away from their kids. Date nights? That's usually without kids (I would hope!). Perhaps it's you with the chip on your shoulder because you never got weekends to yourself. Jealous of other parents that have lives as well as kids. I am sad for people that have no life outside of being a mum. I hope that you don't have daughters.

PoIIyPandemonium · 13/01/2023 16:42

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

billy1966 · 13/01/2023 17:02

OP, I left my EBF 3rd child at 6 weeks for 8 days for an emergency hospital stay.

My husband did it all, including bottle feeding a baby as my milk was being expressed and dumped.

He was their father, of course he should be able to look after his children.
The newborn was tricky though, but he just did it.

I think it is extremely selfish, lazy and manipulative of your husband to begrudge you a small trip after you have had such a hard time, AND you do most of the heavy lifting.

Raise your standards.

A good man, husband, father, would want this for his wife, whom has been through so much.

That he skipped off for 4 days whilst you were 8 months pregnant and left you with a toddler, yet has the nerve to try and guilt you, shows you exactly the type of man he is.

He's really no prize.

Claretmum · 13/01/2023 19:07

Go! We went away after our wedding for four days when our son was almost 4 months. Guess what? He's a perfectly normal functioning 18 year old.