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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen do dilemma

266 replies

Soon2bemumoftwo · 13/01/2023 03:15

i am currently a mum to a 21 month old and 2 and a half month old which has its obvious challenges and stresses however recently I got into a discussion with my
husband which has really saddened me and want to know everyone else’s opinion.
Before having my second child my friends began organising for our friends hen do which will take place 4 hours away from
home and over a 3 day period which I agreed to. As it has gotten closer my husband has become anxious about being left with the kids and is now saying he will look after them but believes at 4 months old for the youngest I shouldn’t be going as they are too young to be away from for this amount of time.
I will add he attended a wedding abroad for 4 days whilst I was 8 months pregnant with a toddler to look after at home with no issues and when asked about his friend who also attended the wedding leaving a 2 month old and 20 month old at home he said he didn’t think there was anything wrong with that either as it was a wedding not a just a hen/stag do.

i would love to go spend time with friends and relax a little but now I feel maybe they are too young and I am being selfish leaving them for 3 days….thoughts?

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 13/01/2023 08:32

@thislittlehouseofmine

Reality is that most fathers can't - not for want of trying I'm sure but your youngest especially will know no one but you surely as you'll be with them 24/7 on maternity leave and she recognises you as the main care giver not him.

As long as the idea that fathers "can't" look after their children persists, men will never learn to parent their children.

You say "not for want of trying" but how much has he actually been trying if she's taken all of the parental leave? If the child recognises the mother as the main care giver that's a sign that the father isn't doing enough, not a reason to roll over and say "oh well, just to take that".

The only reason I could see to feel like this would be if the child was breastfed, which doesn't apply here.

Babyclb · 13/01/2023 08:33

No wonder the relationship boards are a fucking train wreck. Some of you have such a low standard for men and fathers and no doubt you’re passing that attitude onto your sons and also daughters. Depressing.

MajorCarolDanvers · 13/01/2023 08:37

Go Op

You are leaving them with Dad. He needs to Dad up and pull his weight.

SomethingOriginal2 · 13/01/2023 08:38

Yeah sorry I could not have left my 4mo baby for 3 days for a piss up. My DH went away for 4 days at about 3 months but baby couldn't give a shit about him at that point. It's different as mum, my baby would have been hysterical if I left.

MajorCarolDanvers · 13/01/2023 08:39

Is anyone actually reading the OP.

So many completely missing the point.

Alwaystheplusone · 13/01/2023 08:41

Go! Bloody enjoy yourself x

JinglingSpringbells · 13/01/2023 08:41

I don't get this at all.

I think the 'baby will miss you' line is really more 'I will miss my baby' from mums.

Do babies of that age really care that much? 3 days?
I don't know if there is any evidence for that.

Luckygreenduck · 13/01/2023 08:44

I think 3 days is a long time with such a young baby and 2 year old. I don't think the father should be going away for anything non essential either but I do think it's different (hate it but it is). Your baby is surely used to spending all its time with you day and night at the moment. I would go for 1 night, dad should 100% manage for that but save longer trips away till the children can understand and know your coming back.

I do caveat this with I breastfeed and maybe it's very different if not. At 4 months I know my baby needed me and leaving him for an evening felt long enough.

JinglingSpringbells · 13/01/2023 08:44

if I don’t go at all I will be setting a precedence for him to do everything he wants but I am not able to attend anything as he views it all as ‘mums role’ to be there 24/7. He is a wonderful dad and our toddler and him have a beautiful relationship

You sound put upon and even controlled.

Being a wonderful dad doesn't equal being a wonderful husband.

Mamai90 · 13/01/2023 08:46

I wouldn't leave a 2 month old for 3 days, but I wouldn't expect my DH to either (he wouldn't) so I guess if it's OK for him then it's OK for you too. It is a lot to ask I think though when you're just getting to grips with having two. It's basically a toddler and a newborn so not easy!

Babyclb · 13/01/2023 08:46

SomethingOriginal2 · 13/01/2023 08:38

Yeah sorry I could not have left my 4mo baby for 3 days for a piss up. My DH went away for 4 days at about 3 months but baby couldn't give a shit about him at that point. It's different as mum, my baby would have been hysterical if I left.

Where exactly does it say OP is leaving her baby to go for a piss up? Or does it just make you feel better to be a dick?
The plan is to go away for 3 days, that’s literally all the info you know.
I’ve been on a skiing hen, a lounging by the pool, a spa hen with lots of afternoon teas etc.
There is no rule that a hen means a piss up, maybe you need to broaden your horizons.
Same with it being fine for dads to go away but “it’s different as a mum”. Nope, it’s perfectly fine to have an equal parenting relationship where both parents have freedoms. It’s a choice to be a mum who ‘can’t’ do things.

luckylavender · 13/01/2023 08:49

Dowhahdiddy · 13/01/2023 03:21

Personally I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my baby when they’re that young.

How helpful

SuperHandss · 13/01/2023 08:51

YANBU.

It doesn’t matter if PP’s would leave their children. If you want to go then your husband should be capable of looking after his children. I’m sure if it was the other way round this convo wouldn’t even be happening.

JimHensonWasAGenius · 13/01/2023 08:52

DH and I left DS at 6months with my Dsis for a 2 week trip to the USA.

Go OP, not to sound morbid but if you were to drop dead he would have to step up pretty sharpish.

luckylavender · 13/01/2023 08:53

PyongyangKipperbang · 13/01/2023 04:15

Lots of missing the point here!!!

The OP asked if she was BU that her husband doesnt want her to go away for 3 days when the kids are at home alone with him, when he did the same when she was 8 months PG (so potentially could have gone into labour) and with a then 18-ish month old.

She didnt ask if you would go away yourselves!

YANBU. Whether you want to go or not is beside the point, the fact is that he thinks thats its ok for him and his mates to do it, but not you....I wonder why? Would that have anything to do with the fact that he doesnt want the live in nanny to have a weekend off and he would have to step up to something he has never done, because he has managed to push it off onto you. Just a guess but ...."they settle better with you" "You are better at bedtime than I am" "The little one cries when I hold her/him" "It works better when there are two of us" "But you are on maternity and I have to work".......

If you dont do this now, put your line in the sand, then it will always be him having lads weekends and you pulling up the slack....just browse MN to see women a few years down the line from you who havent had a days rest in years and then being called selfish by their "D"H's when they want it.

This

FrangipaniBlue · 13/01/2023 08:54

The excuses being made on this thread for the "poor menz" as to why they can't possibly do just as good a job parenting their own DC as the women in their lives is quite frankly, depressing.

Go on the trip OP.

luckylavender · 13/01/2023 08:55

How judgemental are people on this post. No wonder women lack confidence. The OPs choices are nothing to do with any of you. We're all different.

SomethingOriginal2 · 13/01/2023 08:57

Babyclb · 13/01/2023 08:46

Where exactly does it say OP is leaving her baby to go for a piss up? Or does it just make you feel better to be a dick?
The plan is to go away for 3 days, that’s literally all the info you know.
I’ve been on a skiing hen, a lounging by the pool, a spa hen with lots of afternoon teas etc.
There is no rule that a hen means a piss up, maybe you need to broaden your horizons.
Same with it being fine for dads to go away but “it’s different as a mum”. Nope, it’s perfectly fine to have an equal parenting relationship where both parents have freedoms. It’s a choice to be a mum who ‘can’t’ do things.

Show quote history

Woah OK then . Really weren't being a dick. A holiday, a jolly whatever you wanna call it. Rather than a work trip or an ill relative that needs urgent care.

Of course a baby's relationship at 4 months is different with their mother and father. It's pretty dense to try to pretend otherwise. Especially as OP says she does most of the legwork with the kids anyway.

It's not about division of labour, it's about how the baby will feel. I absolutely agree that parenting should be equal labour and equal breaks and if the baby wasn't so young I'd say go, but it wouldn't be fair on such a young baby to suddenly have their mother and primary care giver disapear.

Ryin · 13/01/2023 08:57

I'd be guided more by the 79% saying YANBU rather than the batshit comments on here. Thank god me and my husband are not controlling weirdos like some of the MN posters.

BlueBooh · 13/01/2023 09:02

Not sure why people are telling you what they would do. So what? That's not what you're asking!

Yes you're husband is definitely being unreasonable. For the love of god. He's their dad! If he can't look after them for 4 days he's a useless waste of space!

BlueBooh · 13/01/2023 09:04

IhearyouClemFandango · 13/01/2023 07:11

We can't ignore that mums and dads are different, in the early days.

Is this the 1950s???

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/01/2023 09:09

@SomethingOriginal2

Of course a baby's relationship at 4 months is different with their mother and father. It's pretty dense to try to pretend otherwise. Especially as OP says she does most of the legwork with the kids anyway.

If that is the case (and often it does become the case) it's a sign that the dad isn't doing enough. Not that there's anything biological about it.

This is always trotted out as a get out of jail free card for fathers: the idea that there's some special biological bond with the mother that the father can't replicate. The only area where the mother has a closer biological bond is when she is breastfeeding (which doesn't apply in this case).

Situationally it is true that many babies see the mother as primary caregiver because the mother has been the primary caregiver from birth. Often because the man can't get out of dodge and back to work fast enough after the child is born and dodges a lot of care-giving responsibilities from that point onwards on the grounds that he's "tired". But that doesn't mean that there's anything innate about it.

Excluding breastfeeding, there is no reason on earth why a father can't conduct all of the parenting tasks and the sooner they get used to it the easier it will be for them. Pretending there's some special mum magic which doesn't exist between a man and a child is just handing them yet another excuse to pile more and more of it onto the woman.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 13/01/2023 09:09

I'd maybe not choose to go for 3 days but that's not to say it's wrong.
I'd start helping him get the hang of it by booking myself into a nice little hotel overnight!

GiltEdges · 13/01/2023 09:11

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 13/01/2023 03:26

I wouldn't personally leave a 4 month old for a 3 day piss up either, but if I did make that decision I wouldn't expect their father to be guilt tripping me about it. Especially one who thinks it's fine for men.

Ditto.

grumpycow1 · 13/01/2023 09:16

I left my eldest at 3 months old for a night. He was absolutely fine! Your DH needs to start stepping up and bonding with baby, we’ll this is the perfect chance. You need a break and when else will you get the chance.