Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend wants a baby or will leave

321 replies

Nymeria6 · 12/01/2023 03:54

Been with DP for 8 years, lived together for 3. We have both just turned 38.

He wants a baby and I have been making excuses and delaying for 2 years. He has now given me an ultimatum saying he wants a family and I'm unfair if I don't and I have been stringing him along.

I have ongoing mental health issues which he can find difficult. I'm also left to do the bulk of the house work/decorating and totally responsible for our cat.

I'm exhausted all the time. I don't think I could deal with a baby right now. He's said or basically ordered me to get my coil out when we are back from our hol.

I don't want to lose him

OP posts:
MintyFreshOne · 12/01/2023 03:59

Gentle suggestion—let him go. He wants a baby and you aren’t ready and maybe will never be. You both want different things in life and that’s okay.

ShippingNews · 12/01/2023 03:59

There are often posts on MN about couples where the man has been stringing the woman along for ages, with promises of a baby some time. The answer is normally " leave and find a man who also wants a family". I'd say that the same applies in your situation - if he wants a baby and you don't, he should find another woman who also wants a family. At 38 he still has plenty of time to fulfil his desire .

Ihavehadenoughalready · 12/01/2023 04:01

Move out with the cat, then. I don't see how you can reconcile your viewpoints.

You say you don't want to lose him and you don't want a baby and he's made it clear that doesn't work for him. Maybe the best thing is to let him go.

I'm so sorry.

BigChesterDraws · 12/01/2023 04:02

You both want different things. This isn’t a partnership. It’s not even a relationship. Let him go before you bring a baby into this unhappy situation.

Ponderingwindow · 12/01/2023 04:02

If your boyfriends life goal is parenthood and his long-term partner is 38 and unlikely to want join him on that path, he should leave.

at no point should he pressure you to plan for a baby if that isn’t your dream.

you also should not feel any guilt about not wanting to go along with his goals. You can want something else in life. He also hasn’t demonstrated that he values the commitment to you or financial stability for this family he imagines because he does not suggest marrying before ttc.

drpet49 · 12/01/2023 04:05

Well he’s not wrong, you have been stringing him along for 2 years.

Rainbowqueeen · 12/01/2023 04:06

A man who wants a baby but leaves his partner to do the bulk of the housework is not a man who is ready to be a father.

Dont have a baby. You are absolutely correct that this would not be a good idea. Not just because of how you feel but also how he acts.
A loving partner would have a discussion with you about timelines and issues that need to be resolved before TTC not issue an ultimatum.

CheshireDing · 12/01/2023 04:11

i exh what others have said. RainbowQueen puts it perfectly

Goodread1 · 12/01/2023 04:15

Hi plenty of better fish men in sea than this one,

say next be more choosey selective next time when on dating scene, by improving your self esteem confidence,

Look at reasons why you struggle with mental health issues too and address them even turn to therapy/Therapies for support help for address these emotional issues.

Plus he doesn't sound even like good Partner material let alone father to be,

He doesn't even help you with housework etc,
If you allowed yourself to be Coerced into becoming pregnant, you would end up doing vast amount of childcare needs to,

Bloody hell, I think you having lucky escape from this one Op

Take care
Best of Luck

There is better out there for you, just believe in this in so many ways
I know it may not seem like it now,

It be like taking of a plaster or having a injection a quick bit of fleeting pain then it's over wit too

Stompythedinosaur · 12/01/2023 04:28

You have to split up. There is no resolution to this issue.

I think you've been unfair to strong him along, though I do understand people sometimes kid themselves that they will want dc in a couple of years.

WoofWoofWoofMudToys · 12/01/2023 04:37

So often these 'desperate for a baby' men decide it's not what they thought it would be.

then you'll be left to be. Single parent to a child you love but didn't actually want the responsibility of in the first place.

Any bloke ordering me to get my coil out would be one that was shown the front door!!

yes you've 'strung him along because you didn't want to lose him, that's pretty poor, but now you need to tell him straight, you're not ready & he needs to go.

it will be hard, but you'll end up wondering why you didn't do it sooner.

your MH will improve!!

MintyFreshOne · 12/01/2023 04:46

OP—everyone is telling you to let him go/

Dont be tempted to have a baby to keep him for all the reasons outlined in Rainbow post as you will definitely be doing the heavy lifting

NaturalBae · 12/01/2023 04:47

I also think that you should split up.

Nothing wrong in changing your mind but you shouldn’t have strung him along for the last two years.

He’s lazy so will most definitely expect you to be the main carer for the child.

Big red flag is that he so desperate for a baby but doesn’t appear to have offered you the security of marriage before trying for a baby.
If you work and decide to go PT after Maternity Leave, no doubt he’ll expecting you to reduce your working hours or leave your job to care for the child, which will reduce your earning potential, pension contributions, etc.

Protect your MH. If you’re not ready, you are not ready.

If you ever think that you may be ready one day in the future - you haven’t got much time left at 38. Personally, my cut off point was 40. I had my last two DC at 35 & 39. First DC at 20. Parenting was so much easier in my twenties, even whilst also working PT and studying at Uni. Had more energy.

Suzi888 · 12/01/2023 05:00

You admit to stringing him along.
I would say you need to let him go, you don’t want the same things.
He’s given you an ultimatum, which is good as otherwise you’ll keep lying /finding excuses. He’s lucky he has plenty of time left to have a child, so let him go and live his life and find someone else.

It’s either that or have a child that you will probably resent and if he’s lazy you’ll end up doing the bulk. It would be irresponsible for you to have a child that you’ve already said you don’t want.

CheesyCrumpet · 12/01/2023 05:00

OP, you say that you don't want to lose him, but you will lose him anyway one way or another because......

Either he will see that parenthood isn't all it's cut out to be and walk.

You will get fed up of his laziness and controlling behaviour and you will walk.

You don't have a baby and he walks, but at least you won't be left holding a baby.

Personally, if a man tried to get me to have a baby and demanded I stopped using contraception, I would walk anyway.
Set your bar higher and let him find some other mug to be his baby machine.

FlowerArranger · 12/01/2023 05:10

He is ORDERING you to get your coil out???!!!!!!

You are exhausted NOW. How do you think you'll cope if you have a baby.

He is not doing his share of the housework...

Don't believe him if he tells you he'll step up. He won't.

He will NOT change.

I also note that he has not proposed marriage,...

He could just walk away, leaving you with a baby you didn't really want.

How many reasons do you need not to do this?

You and your cat will be fine! 💐

marcopront · 12/01/2023 05:13

You say you don't want to lose him but haven't mentioned any good points about him.

Nicecow · 12/01/2023 05:15

Do not do it. People who want babies and have help can barely manage at times. If you are already struggling it will break you

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 12/01/2023 05:17

He already sounds useless and will get worse if you have a baby. Just look at the gazillion threads on here. You should've left him based on what you've already written. Sounds like you already have a big baby anyway, you don't need another one

dolor · 12/01/2023 05:23

TO THE BIN WITH HIM.

Oblomov22 · 12/01/2023 05:29

Don't.
But, what are you doing to address your MH. Do you actually want a baby? When do you think that's going to happen? I completely disagree with shipping; " he should find another woman who also wants a family. At 38 he still has plenty of time". You haven't got plenty of time though have you. To address your MH, meet a new person, and have a baby, say pre 40?

Shoxfordian · 12/01/2023 05:31

Tell him to leave then; an ultimatum is not how he or you should become parents. He sounds useless anyway; you’re better off without him

Nudity · 12/01/2023 05:31

It’s telling that he doesn’t look after the cat. That’s usually a good indicator you’ll be left to do 100% of childcare.

barmycatmum · 12/01/2023 05:32

Oh hon. If you are exhausted now - your gut is telling you correctly, do not have a baby. Especially not with a man who already is leaving the bulk of the work to you.

Let him go. Let him go so firmly, and shut the door COMPLETELY behind him- I know it’s really hard, but your body is not to be held hostage as a baby making machine for some dude who won’t even help with the housework.

your health, mental health and well being are the most important things in your life, and it’s easy for him to make his demands and issue ultimatums when his body won’t be changed forever, and his strength won’t be taxed in ways he can’t even imagine.

please get free of him.

ComfortablyDazed · 12/01/2023 05:32

Let him go.

And tell him that next time he wants to convince a woman to have his baby, he needs to SHOW her he’s a capable parent, and not just tell her what he wants. He might not waste so many years, that way.

Impossible very, very simple step he can take to ensure success.